Disappointed by DH's reaction to bereavement

[Twistingcaravan]

Hi all. 3 weeks ago I lost my sister to cancer. It wasn’t unexpected but sudden at the end. I was very close to her: we lost our mum during Covid and our dad died when we were little. My DH and I have 2 DSs (sorry - just background).

DH has always been a bit thoughtless. Not in a malicious way but self centered. He’s self employed. Went straight back to work the morning after our first DS was born. Leaves me to cope. He is a little helpful around the house but in a very short cutty way (will do some laundry but leave piles of it around for weeks - it never makes it away. Takes weeks to do a job he’s promised IYSWIM).

Since my sister died, he’s had a terrible cold and honestly I have not heard the end of it. I feel sorry for him but it’s got to the point where I want to scream “I don’t care about your f cold!!! My Neice had her birthday a week ago and he just sat there looking sour faced cos I didn’t want to go to the bar to order a drink. He’s been making the odd inquisitive remark about how much the funeral will cost (“ it won’t pay for itself - you need to think about it”: I’ve told him I don’t care. I’ll use savings or her dH will pay or I’ll use the funeral home loan. I just don’t want to think about it. I certainly didn’t 3 days after the death!!!!)

anyway - I’ve just had this niggling feeling that I’m done since my sister died. I know I’m grieving but there’s a voice in my head (that’s now taken on my sisters voice) telling me: nah - F this.

it’s made all the worse by my sister’s husband being the sweetest most lovely man I think I’ve ever met: he loved her so much and looked after her all the way to the end and even now is considerate and kind. And me? I’m left with some ‘meh’ man who is a self centered pig.

Is re evaluating your relationship a common thing in grief or have I just realised I’m married to someone I don’t want to be?

Just a small point re the money - there’s no “should” with funerals - I absolutely can pay for hers entirely or at least offer to if that’s what feels right.

I totally understand this. I paid for my brother's funeral as his widow was left in a temporarily very tricky financial situation until the life insurance could be sorted out, and I was just glad and grateful to. If my DH had objected I'd have been beyond angry and hurt, but fortunately his only reaction was to ask if I needed him to contribute too.

I lost my lovely sister to cancer in May so I know your pain all too well. It is kind of you to want to share the cost of the funeral - it's the last thing you can do for her. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions about your relationship yet, but it does make you reevaluate everything. I don't have patience with people as much any more, everything feels trivial to my sister dying aged 32. Sending love and strength

I’m sorry for your loss OP

Your H sounds completely self centred.

Give yourself a year before making a big decision. If you think you will leave his sorry arse then do some research in the background - housing/child support/work etc. just don’t tell him.

Yes and the cherry on top "wait until you've finished grieving"!!! Tone deaf, ignore that one OP. Lots of other sound advice on this thread.

With my first husband, I always thought that however unkind and selfish he was, he'd be there for me when it came to the crunch. Sometimes it's a shock when it comes to the crunch and you realise you gave him credit for something that was never there.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and your mum and that your husband has not been more supportive. I think death can really focus the mind.

So sorry for your loss @Twistingcaravan

I think that we see the true essence of someone in situations like you describe. Your H being less than utterly supportive in the face of such grief almost certainly is the end of a marriage.

It's a warped form of jealousy isn't it? Selfish people can't bear to be confronted with the fact that you care about anyone other than them.

I divorced my husband after his reaction to my bereavement. There were other issues but it was the final nail - I saw that he was never going to put me and the kids' wellbeing above his job (I was a complete emotional wreck, he worked away but had the option to wfh and didn't).

wow so very sorry for your loss its awful-wen i lost my mum my dh booke time off work i dont think i was functioning properly-hes not great with emotions but he was there at least an woulnt even mention a bloody cold

and if you have separate finances wtf has it got to do with him if you want to contribute

i would at least tell him how you feel just to get it off your chest

I am very sorry for your loss OP.

When my DDad died I decided then and there that I was not going to spend the rest of my life with my husband. It took me a further 3 years to say our marriage was over but I knew I was done from the moment my DDad died. That was 9 years ago and I’ve never once changed my mind on that decision I made so long ago. I do think grief and death puts a lot of things into perspective.

I wish you well OP. Be gentle with yourself x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I rarely reply on threads but what you said about things being in sharp focus really resonated. I too have lost parents and a sibling. My ex husband was always fairly useless at being supportive. I went through a particularly difficult time and he was useless. Turned my trauma into his, somehow. That was it for me. Once that sharp focus was turned on - it never went off.

However, you are In The middle of something huge and you don't need to make any decisions in a rush. Again I'm so sorry.

Yes this. A friends mum died and he decided very soon after, that after 20 years he wanted to marry his DP.

It really focuses the mind on what we really want out of life. I think this is what OP is experiencing.

So sorry that you are having to cope on your own OP Listen to your sister and get rid of him. Life, as you are aware is far too short to put up with a crap partner.

@Twistingcaravan massive squishes.

maybe it’s the grief, maybe it’s the last straw, maybe it’s - life’s too fucking short for this shit…

Do you want another 20/30 years of settling and accepting your husband in all his glory?

or would you rather call it a day and live life your way and be happy doing your own thing without a mood hoover around.

So sorry for your loss. I do think that when you lose someone close to you it does make you reevaluate your life and realise that this is it. It isn't a rehearsal. Take time to grieve but listen to your gut feelings.

OP, your DH does indeed sound like a pig. Very close bereavement makes you consider your own mortality and the fact that you only have one limited life. Your sister's death has done just that and this is perfectly normal. Don't waste your life with this selfish, unpleasant man. You own your own home, you have nothing to hold you back.

OP I am so sorry for your loss.
He is being a self-centred pig, as you say in your OP.
If you want to and can afford to pay for part of the funeral then that's your decision as you say you have separate finances.
Shock and grief change everything and you will never be the same again (you will recover with time, but everyone is changed by a bereavement like this). That means you also don't see other people the same way. This was certainly true for me after my mother died. I saw some "friends" for who they really were.
However, you do need to give yourself time to process what has happened, to have the funeral and to continue to go through the grief process.
I wouldn't walk out on the selfish pig right now, but in a few months time you should reassess whether you want to be with him and how to go about splitting if that's what you decide to do.

Don’t make any decisions. Ask your DH for a hug. Sending love to you x

Don’t be too hasty just yet, it’s not been long since your dear sister passed, and it takes quite a long time to settle into life without thinking or crying or being upset and going through the various stages of grief.The clarity is thre, but it will be clouded by your grief. I know, I’ve been there too, though I had another two major medical emergencies 2 months after my sister passed, which took over my grief, very difficult to process anything. It took me several years to process her passing, she was my best friend my twin..Recently I lost my dear mother, (the last of my wee family unit)I had a total lack of empathy from dh…they help in other ways, driving, doing a bit here and there, usually practical rather than emotional..but what they don’t do is glaringly obvious as you are in a high emotional state of mind.
Just give yourself time, and reassess later in the year/new year.
Tell him how you feel, don’t accuse, just say how YOU feel and what you would like from him. See how it goes.
See a counsellor or therapist. It can help, if it doesn’t find another therapist. One size doesn’t fit all with them. Take care of yourself too. Your sister wouldn’t want you to be unwell.

Sorry for your loss op. It does make it so hard when you get let down at so difficult a time.

Thank you for your kind words everyone. It seems that so maybe of us have similar experiences. I won’t make any hasty decisions - I haven’t got the energy right not but I do need to consider this is the final straw. I can’t just kick how I feel under the carpet. This isn’t the first feeling : it’s just it should be a time I can lean on him and it’s just clear I can’t. X

Did you read the post at all? You seem to have missed the whole point. I also have no idea what you mean by ‘finished grieving ’.

OP the death of my sibling did bring clarity on a few things. I’d be holding on to the clarity and just let it sit in the back of your mind right now. It will guide you in the future.

I’m really sorry you’re suffering this pain.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I lost my sister too and its absolutely horrible.
What I would say is dont make any big decisions right now. There's no rush. You're still deep in grief and its an emotional roller coaster.
Your feelings are all absolutely valid, but I would let yourself process and get through the funeral and if its right to leave, start to make plans.

I also have no idea what you mean by ‘finished grieving ’.

I picked up on this as well. Hopefully it was just clumsy phrasing and what they meant was less raw or not in shock. Because grieving doesn't finish as far as I can tell.