Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

Thank you. Someone else has suggested that. Is it on amazon? Yes he's rotten to women. He makes every woman a threat to his partners. He's had flings when with his ex and those women have also been mentally battered by him. He's cruel really. Not sure what he gets out of it. His daughters friends mum is getting on abit. She's not what he'd chase after at all. But he still led her on. She'd always messaging him as he'd flirt with her. There was clearly no desire for her but he enjoyed her chasing him I guess.

It’s all about power with him. Control.

@A1m52 - yes, it’s on Amazon. It may be me who has suggested it upthread - I’ve posted a few times. Hope you read it. I think you would find it helpful.

Women who love too much

Why does he do that?Why does he do that?

My family dont know I'm with him anymore. I know so much about his life and past and he's knows pretty much nothing about me
He's never asked me about my life. He tells me he's not interested and he finds me weird that I talk about other people.

I have a work friend colleague I mentioned a week or 2 back. I am with her my whole shift so we have hit it off as friends. She's invited me to her house etc. Her partner makes and installs gates. When I mentioned the above he went all spiteful and said do women just blurt out aload of crap to eachother as you seem to know alot about this woman's life. I was so taken aback. Ofcourse we talk we do a hard job and we see alot of difficult stuff. She feels like a friend I see her more than most people as I spend work with her.

He's utterly poisonous OP.

I had this too with a drug addict, he went around telling people all kinds of lies about me. It was just an isolation tactic so that he could control everyone.

Please cut him out of your life asap. He’s taken far too much from you already. Spend your money on yourself instead (therapy).

I will thank you. I'm reading the twisted series at the moment. I think reading in the evenings will help me put my phone down. I'm so excited to get away from all the stress. I'm a little scared for the future. What if I'm alone forever. But I don't want a rebound or anyone yet. I'm not in a rush. I just hope maybe one day. I have gone away with friends and kids twice this year. I'd like to take my niece to London for a day so I may look at that soon.
Thank you for everything you've suggested and taking the time to read such a long complex thread.

He’s not interested in other people because he only cares about himself. He’s weird but he can’t see it. He’s horrible.

You say friends would describe you as an innocent. I agree you sound a bit vulnerable and I confess I’m over-invested now and desperate for you to start looking inwards at how to develop your shark cage so that you don’t end up being ruthlessly exploited by another abuser. The books which have been recommended should supply some great insights.

https://www.thesharkcage.com/

It highly unlikely you’ll be alone forever but better alone than with a monstrously selfish and destructive man, surely?

As PPs have said - focus on yourself for a bit. You need to mend. You need your own recovery to get healthy again. Having him in your life is like having some hideous illness - a very nasty and extended case of COVID for example. You will need time to get completely healthy again.

Start focussing on you again.

What if I'm alone forever

Well, that's not going to happen. But learning to be happy alone is key to enjoying life, and ultimately finding the right person instead of just "filling the gap" with drama.

And being alone is a whole lot better than having your life utterly capsized by a zombie parasite.

I agree with PP about being alone forever.
As I’ve got older I have realised you have to learn to be alone, in your own company, to heal. If you search for it in other people, you keep getting hurt.
Counselling definitely helps.
Another thing which is great is using your caring nature where it can have real benefits - helping out a local food bank is brilliant. They are always looking for volunteers.
You have to get to know yourself - what do you actually like to do?
Because you get lost in someone else’s problems.
Talk to your family. Be honest. Get their support.
So many posters on here have escaped an addict, recovered, felt better, met someone else eventually.

Have you ever read Rachel’s holiday? Her addition is drugs and alcohol but the main part of the story is the gaping hole inside herself that she uses a man (any man) to fill.

It is a fun read and some of it might resonate. You are in recovery as well (to a very different addiction) so you need to take the time to heal before you start worrying about ‘being alone’.

I haven't but will have a look for it thank you.

Thank you. I've got stuck. That's for sure. A local woman died in my town 4 years ago due to emotional amd physical abuse to a man similar. He did drugs etc. But he physically hurt her. She died from the stress it made her heart stop not long after he'd shouted at her and left her house. The case has just been reopened and when I read the articles and evidence I really understood her torment. Other than the violence. I think she's inspired me even though she had a health issue that caused her death it was under control. The stress killed her. I could end up like that if I don't wake up.

I'll read the shark cage link. Thank you. I appreciate everything. I can't put it into words but if people on here gad told me off and hadn't supported I may have caved. You are holding me up and I so need it.

Great recommendation by @OhBeAFineGuyKissMe - Rachel’s Holiday is brilliant.

@A1m52 - there are ways of abusing people which don’t involve physical violence and which are still incredibly harmful. Do not underestimate the impact of emotional and psychological violence. It is hugely damaging generally and I know cases of women driven to suicide to escape it. There was a report quite recently of a young female soldier (Jaysley Beck) whose boss sexually harassed her. In the end she killed herself because she saw no escape.

centreformilitaryjustice.org.uk/emilli-beck-sister-of-gnr-jaysley-beck-on-international-womens-day/

I feel irritable today. Going to order the books.

What if I'm alone forever.

Dont think of being single as being alone because that’s the mind set that makes you vulnerable to creeps like this loser.

Think of being single as time to prioritise you, clear your head, learn to love yourself and be at peace with your own company. Sorbs time with friends, do hobbies, binge watch Netflix, listen to music - do what makes YOU happy without worrying about a useless man.

Yeah I definitely need to feel happy and clear of him first. I guess it will just take time and some faking it to make it. Just feel irritable today will feel better later on.

Have nice things lined up for yourself so that there is always something to look forward to. Whatever floats your boat- a hot bath, a walk in the woods, a day retreat, a trip to a bookshop, getting nails done, find an exercise class you enjoy… whatever it is try to have at least one thing coming up soon so that the bleakness can be kept at bay.

I also recommend reading Rachel’s Holiday (by Marian Keyes). There is also a sequel and some of her other books also deal with addiction- she’s in recovery herself. But they’re pretty funny too, very good reads in themselves.

Just a quick post to offer support @A1m52 . I hope that now you’ve seen his behaviour through the eyes of many others you won’t be susceptible to his version of events any more. Keep him blocked.

I've ordered both books. No contact has taken place. I've had a massive cry after I got back home. It felt like anger sitting in my chest whilst out. I just cried the minute my key was in the lock. You have all helped me. I dont miss him I'm just angry today. Feel alot of crappy emotions.

You're doing well OP, every minute that passes that you don't give in to his manipulation is another minute that brings you closer to a healthier, happier, balanced life.

You know that thing about giving up smoking, they say you should get a moneybox and put in the money you'd normally spend on fags, and at the end of a month treat yourself to something nice?

Why not do something similar here - you're kicking a self-destructive and costly habit. Now and then, set aside the £££ that would normally be drained into his "welfare" - the things you'd be buying him, the loans, the £10,000...

Use it to invest in yourself. Something you've always wanted. A nice holiday. A beautiful book. New clothes. Whatever you desire. You deserve it. He doesn't. Fuck him, seriously.

Interesting what a PP said about the indifferent mother having such an impact on taking ourselves seriously. I think I might have had similar. I read a book about this, and it said something along the lines of growing up expecting to have to work really hard for crumbs of attention and care... makes you accept that in a loving relationship you have to work really hard for very little return. That rang a bell, but I've never really unpicked it. Especially now that I got my happy ever after. As you will one day.

Love that idea. I think I should do that. My bank balance will look alot healthier in a months time!

Yeah my mum is massively awkward with being affectionate and showing any soft emotions. She isn't comfortable in her own skin. She hasn't worked most of her life and she's never been the life and soul. She tends to bring up her early 20s when she did go out and have friends. She's 72 now. I dont recall her being a fun mum. She never did us a party or took us to the cinema etc. She didn't even take us to the park. We played out though and did that. She just wasn't your best friend and if you cried or got nervous she would make you feel a prized prat. I think she just doesn't know who she really us so makes out other people are pathetic in their emotions.

My mum never did anything either, but was of a generation where this was not expected of her. In her day, childcare was not given the status it has nowadays: her parent's generation were just grateful if their children survived into adulthood, and among her peers in the 1950s/60s it would be normal to just push the pram out into the garden for a birthday. She is appalled (I think rightly) by our generation hiring a village hall to shower a 1-year-old with gifts they don't even understand.

The perception of emotions as embarrassing and stupid is something I can really relate to. Her working-class upbrininging was very much "You're upset? Try scrubbing the kitchen floor."

I totally respect how she brought me up, but I can see how it helped me to discount my feelings, especially in favour of someone else's needs as females were expected to "be kind."

I suppose it doesn't really matter how we ended up like this. The main thing is to be aware of it, and make choices that are more rational.