Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

Thank you for your encouraging words. This was the way things ended with his ex too. A combination of drink, cheating and financial irresponsibility. She was very troubled and stayed to support him as a friend. Not sure it would be wise for me to be there as a friend because he tends to find other females for validation and I don't think I could cope with wondering and being put in drama triangles. His ex was always in our relationship at first because he was leaning on her still. But for me as the new woman it was soul crushing at times. I never felt enough and felt she kept poking him to remind him of their relationship so he couldn't move on.

Oh also - if you do get messages about how he can’t cope without you and threats of suicide, call the authorities every single time. Whether that’s emergency medical care, police welfare checks, or report him to adult social services. He sounds like he would benefit from a support worker/supported housing.

Yes he's always been a liar. The lies are so damaging. He has his daughter on a pedestal. Her mum is an alcoholic and was violent. Her dad (my now ex) left them as kids but cheated and used to leave the family home amd return. She's had it tough growing up. But she wants her parents. So she tends to hang out with them and loose touch then return. She has mental health issues. She's no stranger to being sectioned etc. So I don't think she sees through her dad and sympathises with him. Especially when her family members are trying to support her when she's poorly. She will turn on them and come to her dad. They've been back in touch about 7 months now. She wasn't on the scene for 3 years of us being together. So I've only just met her this year. His other daughter told him 5 years ago he's a grown man and to sort himself out.. he'd borrowed money of her and she took a loan out. He betrayed her and stopped paying her back as he was at the time an alcoholic. He's earned enough since to return the money but never did.

I'm not sure how he truly feels for his daughter he talks to. He would probably put her above me on his favourite person list now. She can relate to how nobody understands them and people are selfish etc. They wallow together. But he is selfish for leaning on her. He's not 24 so her reactions in adult life are age appropriate. He wants to be the same but at his age its a major problem. She has a partner and house and job. She's outgoing and sociable. Although older sister did say to me she thinksyoungest DD is going to end up like their dad.

It's a toxic relationship really all her family don't want her to talk to him.

Thank you. I will do. He's gone silent I saw he was online at midnight before I blocked him.so he's chatting to people. So I think he will not use threats of suicide at the moment. I dont know what to expect over the next 48 hours but I'm going to keep going. I have got no choice now. I can't go back.

@A1m52 - not RTFT so not sure if it’s been mentioned but you might find it helpful to read “Women Who Love Too Much”. I feel sorry for this man’s daughters - what ill fortune to have him as their father.

Don’t try to be friends with him. It’s not possible and too dangerous emotionally and psychologically. He’s a bad person who will even fleece his own children. He chooses not to try to fix himself. This is all on him.

I feel sorry for her too. You'd feel sorry for the eldest if you saw how she was pushed out and accused of being a horrible person because she's put boundaries in place. They have both been massively failed but both have become very independent. The youngest just needs to see through it. She deserves to have a dad who will cone help her do DIY and buy her a birthday present. Not one that rings her because he needs to talk about his struggles. My dads always been there for me.

I will look at the book. Thank you. Reading is going to be one of my new things.

You have done so well to get to this point!!! Some great ideas from pps about starting new hobbies and routines. Things like crochet and knitting are great in that it keeps your hands busy and away from texting. Wishing you all the best - you deserve so much more!

Are there support groups for the families of addicts? I think you could benefit from one. It’s really hard giving up or changing thought patterns, well done for taking it one hour at a time.

Well done 👏 keep going . It will get easier and you will think about him less and less.
His drug addiction will always come before you . It really sounds like he used you for money and attention which would then make you feel sorry for him and he could get some more money out of you with lie ...which you know went on drugs.
Same with his daughter
The younger daughter does sound like she will end up like him.
You need to stay away from all of them. You are to young for this to be your life .

I looked, there's no freedom programs in the area. I had some therapy in april and may as I wanted to leave him. But at £60 a session and me not being able to get away fully or maybe I wasn't as ready I needed to be.

I don't know how I feel about him now. I feel like a horrible rotten person saying I don't love him now. But I feel like perhaps I've stopped loving him. So maybe that's helped me stick to this now. I've tried to leave so many times. Not lasted a day before he's chasing me back. But he doesn't chase me back begging etc. He says he knows he's in love with me but cannot handle the way I am. So he blames me.

I'm going out at half 11 with my friend and her kids to an outdoor play area to keep her company. Maybe the fresh air will help.

Part of the problem OP is that you are struggling to understand him. Because it is really hard to understand a zombie parasite. We keep expecting them to respond as a living human with feelings, and when they don't we wonder what we're lacking instead of accepting that they are a zombie parasite.

He has picked drugs and infidelity over his partners for years. He's had some good chances to be happy. He didn't go for it.
Believe me, his version of happiness looks nothing like yours/ours. When I was about 5, I gave an earthworm a bubble bath and left it to dry in the sunshine on the kitchen windowsill. I was horrified to discover it dead. Some creatures prefer very different conditions than what we consider desirable.

Why do we tend to think about stuff that wasn't that great really thinking ah that's a shame?
Because we also try to make sense of ourselves, so revisiting the good times reassures us that it wasn't all crazy. You wouldn't have been there if he wasn't carefully grooming you to accept the bad times because there had been good ones. It's good that you can also remember your anxiety and the hidden reality.

You can't be "friends" with someone like him. He is incapable of friendship because he only sees other people as convenient sources that he can plunder.

And he will never wake up one day and appreciate all the loving care you have shown him, because he is a zombie parasite.

His other daughter told him 5 years ago he's a grown man and to sort himself out... he'd borrowed money off her and she took a loan out. He stopped paying her back. He's earned enough since to return the money but never did.
See?! - that was his DAUGHTER!!!

Thank you. It does feel like he's used me all along. The list is endless. I've bought him curtains bedding kettle, clothes, shoes, aftershave, hoover, plants, food every week. I adopted his dog he could no longer keep and covered all its food. The dog now lives with one of my friends who has kids and it loves the kids so it's happy now. I found him the flat he's about to loose. I got the crises team for him. I've bought him a replacement phone. I've paid bills for him.

I'd say he's had £10,000 in 4 years. I shudder to think.

I think sometimes his BPD asked him feel slightly high on life and that's when he will compliment me and say what I mean to him. But it's short term. He does think he loves people. I know he battles himself alot about his ex. He told me sex with her was a drag and her boobs didn't do it for him at all. Funnily enough he wanted sex daily with me for a while then a few months in it was once a month. Then it was every few months. Then he stopped doing certain things he claimed he loved doing. He is so odd with intimacy. A few months ago he was watching older women in stockings. He's always had younger women but he seems to have some fetish now about women past menopause trashy clothing.

So much weirdness. Sorry I've gone off on another rant. It feels Like I'm clearing pent up energy though.

I don't know how I feel about him now. I feel like a horrible rotten person saying I don't love him now. But I feel like perhaps I've stopped loving him. So maybe that's helped me stick to this now. I've tried to leave so many times. Not lasted a day before he's chasing me back. But he doesn't chase me back begging etc. He says he knows he's in love with me but cannot handle the way I am. So he blames me.

100% like my ex, who I believe is a covert narcissist. No addiction issues thankfully, but this type of person will never be proactive in changing the status quo if there is any possibility of them getting a negative consequence. And they’ll never do anything for you unless there is something in it for them.

It took me nearly two years to leave. I gave him chance after chance, always drawn back in. But when I did leave I was able to be happy. I hadn’t been happy for about 2.5 years of our three-year relationship. And the emotional abuse will completely destabilise you and leave you doubting yourself about everything.

You also mentioned your mum was a bit unsupportive. I discovered in therapy that things about the way my mother parented were responsible for a lot of the difficulties I have struggled with around boundaries and being able to put myself first. She used to call me silly, too.

He told me sex with her was a drag and her boobs didn't do it for him at all.

This is just horrible, reducing her to a piece of meat. Why was he having sex with her, then? Oh, let me guess...

If he can describe her that way, I'm afraid he probably says similar things about you.

As for what he says on the "BPD" highs, I'm afraid with people like this it is hard to separate drug highs from other highs, and impossible to locate reality. If there is a reality to be found anywhere in their fucked-up confusion.

Zombie parasite.

Oh, sorry - edited to add:
he wanted sex daily with me for a while then a few months in it was once a month. Then it was every few months. Then he stopped doing certain things he claimed he loved doing. He is so odd with intimacy.
He made his investment upfront, job done.

Thank you. That made sense. I dont want to be in my own head. But I spend alot of time ruminating and going over things in random orders. Hopping from this to that. Its not healthy but I know its because of the mental abuse. I have a few events that have left me pretty distressed.

Over a year ago now he bad nowhere to live but he was working. He'd work away then stay at the local premier inn at weekends. I'd go stay. I wasn't really aware of the extent of his drug use back then. But I sort of suspected. We had been in a restaurant in the service station and we were walking back to his van and this man approached us saying your from (inserts Town we live in) have you given "bob" his money back yet. This man looked at me. Then at him. He eventually said yeah yeah it's all sorted. He said as long as it is, then walked off. Then we got in the van. I was mortified and worried and he said he had no idea who that was or what it was about but it wasn't him.

Family party in Feb. He got £200 out of me. He still wasn't going to admit it was hard-core drugs. He said he owed weed money and they would break his legs if he didn't pay. I was heartbroken handing it over but how can you let someone you love get their legs broken.

When these situations were happening I was so distressed for him I was just doing what protected him. But I was not ready to realise the true extent of what was and still is going on.

I cannot go back now. It would be so wrong.

The more you write about him the worse he sounds.
He obviously speaks very poorly about women in general. And just uses them for money/attention/sex. Then moves on once they see him for who he really is.
It doesn't matter what diagnosis he has. Especially given drug addicts are brilliant at telling stories and lies. Who knows what he has said about you to others . I suspect it's not all nice.
Even though you have obviously tried to help him a lot.
But he is not your responsibility or anyone's!
And it was not a relationship . He has probably found someone else who is giving him money.

You need to focus on yourself. Build up your confidence and self worth. I bet he knocked both of them down.
You sound like a really nice person . Who doesn't need all this stress

Let it out.

We're here.

Going to play with friend & kids in the park sounds like a brilliant idea! Fresh air, being playful, having fun, watching examples of happy relationships - lovely. Hope there's coffee & cake in the mix too.

Friends, activities, keeping busy, staying off your phone will be good for you.

A thought - as the clocks have changed, it might be that it affects your mood with the darker evenings. Keep an eye on that.

Have a fun day.

@A1m52

“I don't know how I feel about him now. I feel like a horrible rotten person saying I don't love him now. But I feel like perhaps I've stopped loving him. So maybe that's helped me stick to this now. I've tried to leave so many times. Not lasted a day before he's chasing me back. But he doesn't chase me back begging etc. He says he knows he's in love with me but cannot handle the way I am. So he blames me.”

See - I think there’s a clue in you saying you feel horrible for no longer loving him. In fact, it’s terrific that you no longer love him. You’re not his parent.

Love between adults is supposed to be conditional. If someone repeatedly treats you badly - no matter what their ‘excuse’ - you have a responsibility to yourself to take your love back. That’s as it should be. And actually it doesn’t help the wrongdoer to be repeatedly forgiven and welcomed back.

This man has left a trail of serious harm behind him (including quite possibly his first wife). Remember - he’s choosing this. He’s choosing not to go into hospital, not to seek treatment. He feeds off women including his own daughters as he prefers to do this. He’s a vampire.

It’s actually irrelevant how he feels about you. He doesn’t know how to love and anyway this man’s love is a curse not a blessing. A healthy love relationship lifts you up - it supports you; it makes you feel inspired, warm, contented and at peace. That’s what a relationship should give you.

It’s a good and healthy sign that your love has died.

Please take a look at Women Who Love Too Much. You could find it very helpful.

I've always felt like financial abuse is explained wrong. They always say its controlling the money. Not giving you money etc. Stopping you working so you rely solely on them. There's never any acknowledgement of financial abuse being asking and asking for your money and using your resources for their own gain.

OP, try to think about other things - we can help you with that.

Freedom programme do an online course. Also ChatGPT can “act” as a therapist, obviously not perfect but it is available at any time and it can feel a bit like a conversation.

Books are great - what do you like? Pop over to the book section on here and start a thread for recommendations. See if your local library/ bookshop has a book club (don’t worry if everyone is much older than you, multi generational friendships can be great, different from peers)

Exercise is really helpful, YouTube have some great videos you can do in your house, or the couch to 5k programme (there is one which is story based and you are running away from zombies), or as someone else said swimming is great for clearing your mind, yoga or Pilates might also help.

As part of your recovery make yourself busy with things that interest you - do an online course in flower arranging, or a real life one if there is any adult learning nearby. Something totally random that you wouldn’t have done before.

He feels very nasrcisstic. Which is why when he got his EUPD diagnoses it clicked. All personality disorders cross over to an extent. Manipulation and lying at the core. Unhealthy attachments. He acts very narcissistic in terms of having supply. I'm quite liked in life. If anything I'm a people pleaser. But I'm happy go lucky usually. Abit daft etc. My job I am in a role where I look after others. So I'm naturally out there like that. If people were to describe me I'd be kind. Probably innocent. Random. Lovely etc. The only people who have ever seen me in a negative light are people he knows. Those people have been told I've stolen from him. I stalk him. I won't let him be friends with his ex. I'm jealous of the attention he gives his dogs. I'm sex mad. I go through his phone. I create scenarios. I look for problems. I'm a nightmare with my phone.

True story. He stares at blonde women. It's so obvious and makes me feel angry if I'm with him and he's gawping. We was away on the only weekend we went away. A very fake tanned blonde walked past. His remark was look at the state of that. I Said to him she's blonde and pretty ofcourse you are thinking she's a state.
His boss told me on his return to work that the weekend was good until he told a woman she was alright and could go for a drink with him. To apparently I responded with anger screaming and going nuts in the street embarrassing us both.
I mean wtf? He made that up. Its actually really disturbing.

@A1m52 - his hideous treatment of women is all desperately disturbing. Thank God you’ve got away. When you can, it would be good to take your focus on him and put it on you to start looking into why you stuck around, why you thought this was all you deserved.

Women Who Love Too Much could give you some really helpful insights in this regard.

Yeah I asked him once if she didn't want sex. He said yeah she did want sex with me. He said to me once people had said to him before he could never relax in sex. I think he had issues. Sex was really intense in terms of what stuff he was into but then he'd not go near me for months like I say. I'm trying not to be too crude. He seemed obsessed with me for a year where it was several times a day and then it became non existing. This really made me loose my confidence. I felt deprived and starved and when all that's stopped you feel more under threat. Then I couldn't understand why he was on dating sites under fake names with no photos.

I echo @OhBeAFineGuyKissMe . I’d also suggest Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it was super helpful for me back then (and I came out from my relationship with my narcissistic ex and thought I had learned enough after a year to date again, but I hadn’t and I got into another bad situation, luckily I had the means to escape. I was single then for many years and when I met my now OH I was able to see clearly enough to get involved- he is my happy ending and you can get one too, but it’s so important to arm yourself with knowledge about these men but also about your own triggers and habits around protecting yourself, your boundaries, and so on).

Have a lovely day in the sunshine with your friend. And keep posting, we can help you and hold you accountable. A gorgeous life is out there for you- just stay on your path and away from the vampire ex.

OP you can’t be his friend.
What do your parents, family and friends think about all of this?
Please stop worrying about being replaced as his favourite person. Addicts use people to supply them.
In all of your posts you know so much about him, his life, his situation.
You are so young only in your 30’s there is a whole life out there to live for you.