Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

Maybe investigate the Mother Wound and see if it might benefit you to take it further. But I think Internal Family Systems or parts work might be helpful for you. Best thing I ever tried.

Well OP despite your mum’s challenges she’s done something right to have such a caring daughter. I know today has been tough on you.
I know it’s an entirely a different scenario but I looked after my late dad as his carer and my phone was on 24/7 for a number of years. I was always on edge, always chasing somebody up, it was like being on red alert. It took a long time to get over that feeling of being on call.
It might be hard but try switching your mobile off before you go to sleep.
You have done an awful lot of caring in the last few years and it’s become like a second job for you.
You will feel angry at all of time, love and resources spent on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
But you’ve done two days and that’s a big win!

Day 3... morning everyone. I am going to work shortly. I haven't had any contact. Around the 26th of every month his Internet usually gets cut off as he can't pay it until next week. He also ran out of phone minutes. It's possible his messages ran out aswel because its a 30 day thing. So I'm trying to keep level and on track. But a little bit of me thinks he won't have any of the things left now I get asked for every couple of days. Unless someone else is helping. So my anxiety of this being a point he may give up is slightly worrying me. Although I won't reach out as I feel in reality he knows where I live if he was that desperate. Plus I don't want to break no contact and I'm not supposed to be engaging.

I feel OK other than this so far. Can't believe how far today. I'm so tired but hopefully my shift will keep me busy and help the day go.

I do understand that it makes sense to me. It's your brain and routine. I never realised uncomfortable feelings can feel familiar. In the type of job I do aswel it's very much about what you describe here being on red alert and having to ring and chase all the time. Being in the caring/nursing profession is apparently the most stressful job. Let alone doing it for someone you love who raised you. I guess even though it's positive time it feels like there's loads of empty space for you to fill in. Hopefully within time our minds adapt and we remember that we lived like that before.

I haven't seen him really now for 2 weeks as a normal partner. Seen him once and he was allover. It did feel lonely and weird for 3 or 4 days because he was always at my place. But there was a day last week that I came home from work and it was so nice to just have a bath and eat dinner and watch a program I like that I couldn't watch with him here. I am more relaxed because he sleeps so much (although he appears to be awake all night lately) he'd usually be nodding off no later than 7.30pm. Then he'd often not want to function when my alarm goes off at 5am. So trying to get ready for work and tip toe about was annoying. Now I can whack the lights on and get ready in my room. Maybe I'm realising how un natural I feel when he's with me.

I worry today I will start stressing about his welfare. But he was on WhatsApp all night the night before last and it was his choice to not contact me (I don't want him to). I just want him to be OK and not harm himself.

I don't know which way to swing. Sometimes I think he's been moving on behind my back and likes being online all night so he must be having phone sex and talking to women and maybe one of them currently has his attention.

He goes through random stages where he will suddenly get obsessed with a snack and it becomes his favourite for a while. A couple of weeks ago he started going mad with excitement if he saw a twix. I know it sounds as mad as it is but I think when he's talking to a new person he will do this. Last year he started putting the milk in the tea first after 2 years of not doing that. He used to be obsessed with jammie dodgers and whispers once too. Maybe I'm going mad.

But then I fear he's awake all night because he's so heavily depressed he can't deal with the day time and shuts out the world. He may have gone over to his daughters or something though.

I sound obsessive maybe I still am but I'm working so hard to not worry and keep level headed.

You have been worrying about him for so long he’s become like your child rather than your partner.
You also know that living like this with him can’t continue - imagine another 10 or 20 years? You deserve, when you are ready, a partner to share your life with. Someone you can trust, have fun with, who works hard and puts you first.
The fact is that this man will run out of money. He may turn up at some point. He may talk to other women but it’s not romance, is it? He won’t be offering dinner dates or weekend breaks. He needs resources and women supply them.
I have been around addiction and had to walk away. I have spoken to addicts who have got clean (although they are rare!) and they say when using the drug or whatever they are using is all that matters. They have stolen from parents, their own children, partners, friends and they lie as easy as they breathe.
He will only get clean if he hits rock bottom and makes the choice to admit he has a problem.
It is your not your job any more to save him from that.
I know how hard it is but you are doing brilliantly and I hope work goes ok. Care for your own wellbeing today, too.

Thank you. He always wants more than he has. He hasn't learned any lessons from the past. I just need to keep going forward. But I do feel abit expecting of bad news.

Whatever happens, you did everything you could. He has chosen the life he has and he has worked quite hard, by the sounds of it, to keep it!

Whatever you do please try to harden your heart towards him and do not give him anything- not a bed for the night, not a pouch of tobacco, not the time of day. Grey rock and block him (and if he arrives in person, don’t answer the door but do phone the police).

What are you going to do today? Have you got something nice to look forward to?

@A1m52 well if he has been evicted then he has obviously found someone else to help him! just shows that you werent really that important to him at all. he was just using you for your money and charity!

Honestly OP I very much doubt that you were the only woman he was keeping dangling for what he could get out of you.

Addicts are masters at manipulation. Women tend towards nurturing. He's addicted to drugs, you're addicted to Being Needed.

Please get some therapy to uncover the cause of your unhealthy attitudes and behaviours so you can have healthy and fulfilling relationships in future.

He's always going to be bad news OP. Nothing new there.

The only thing that needs to change is you feeling responsible for digging him out of the trouble he causes himself.

It's not your job.

You have ended up convincing yourself it is.

It's become a habit to wonder how he is and whether it's time to dive in to the rescue again.

You have to change these automatic patterns of thought and behaviour, and replace them with self-care.

OP, what do you love doing?

What are your hobbies and interests?

Your favourite books, TV, films?

Your sports and activities?

Places you love to visit?

Who are YOU?

All your posts are so utterly and minutely focussed on him, that it feels as though you have an addiction to being the one who helps and carries him.

Being in nursing says a lot about you being a caring person.

Is there anyone at work you can turn to?

Do you have a good line manager?

Any employee assistance programme that can help you access support to help you work through this?

Honestly, every time you start thinking or obsessing about him get up and do something else..replace a negative with a positive. So have a really full on cleaning session with music up loud, do a workout, go a walk, phone a friend, do a crossword, go visit a family member. Every single time you think of him replace it with something else. You need to train your brain to break out of the routine it's been in so long where he was your main focus.

Over the years, I've often wondered if the reason some of us get so trapped in this sort of situation is not just something to do with being brought up to "be kind" but also, possibly, even something to do with misplaced maternal instinct! I'm not joking!

OP, this is really hard but you need to get your head and heart around the fact that there is nothing kind or virtuous about your obsession with his welfare. It's as pointless, wasteful and destructive as his drug habits. You are neglecting your primary responsibility to yourself.

For me, I had to sort of trick my own mindset by reminding myself that you have to be cruel to be kind: not "helping" him was the only way to really help him. (Because of the intense focus on HIS needs rather than our own, it's easier to frame it like this rather than considering self-preservation, which has become distorted in our minds as "selfishness".)

So fake it till you make it, and over time it does get easier. One day you will look back and really scratch your head over how you put up with all this for more than 5 minutes, let alone had it rule your life. It's a bit like looking back on crazy drunken behaviour, I guess because similar perceptual distortions are involved! He has trained you very carefully!

Sorry to be over-invested OP, but when you go quiet I imagine you doing what I used to do, which is having him sprinkle fairy dust in your eyes and persuading you that everything is just love's beautiful dream!

If so, no shame in that... I think it's just a bit like giving up any habit, you fall off the wagon, you get on again. It's not the end of the world.

You're in a horribly uncomfortable position but it will become much less painful as you gradually adust to placing yourself, not him, at the centre of your world.

Being selfish is not being selfish, it is essential to everyone's true happiness, including that of the people around us.

Good morning. It's OK. I did have an email. But I have sat and thought upon it and yes I responded but I then ended it again in words. So I felt a little weak. He said he didn't want us to finish at all and was in love with me. He said he just wanted us to be happy. I asked him in a reply why there were 2 days in a row not long ago he ghosted me and was online all night (not that it mattered) he had no honest answers.just said he was asleep etc.

Then I replied. Look I know the truth now and I cannot stay in this anymore. I need to find something real for myself. Its over and there's no going back this time.

My books arriving today. So I do hope that will help me later. But in terms of me. I am not wanting him here. Not missing him. If he was here right now I'd be so angry at myself for giving in. So I'm determined.

I genuinely do think he's been having an affair It's really hitting me. Why I've become so unworthy to him. But today's another day. Keep going. Its still day 4 so I've come 3 days further than ever before.

Day 4 it is! The thing is OP ‘in love’ isn’t about words it’s about actions.
Well done on staying strong and I hope you have a good day x

Day four, good work! (That looks patronising but I don’t mean it to be.) it’s so incredibly hard to change these deep-seated habits and you can’t allow yourself to relax about them, but you are strong and wise enough to keep doing this.

Are you busy today, have you got plans?

I've just got to work. I feel so much anger right now. I'm trying so hard. Thank you.

I hope you have blocked his email now. Don't give him any more ways to contact you. He's a leech and a liar. He will manipulate you just like he always has if you don't cut off every means possible.
You've had your moment of weakness. You know he's fine, he was never going to do himself any harm.
Protect yourself fully now. It will be hard enough without him being able to have an input.

I can't find anyway to block his email I'm on outlook....

support.microsoft.com/en-gb/office/block-or-unblock-senders-in-outlook-9bf812d4-6995-4d19-901a-76d6e26939b0#:~:text=Select%20Settings%20%3E%20Mail%20%3E%20Junk%20email,Select%20Save.

I’d be amazed if he doesn’t have several other women he is in the process of ensnaring. It’s how scammers work - he’ll be chatting to lots of women looking for the next kind hearted person who thinks they can save him.

Enjoy your books, OP. Let him go. You can’t help him. Rescuing him doesn’t help him. He needs to learn independence, not more dependence.

Focus on yourself now. Find yourself and build yourself up. Get additional support IRL if you need it.

Hi OP, I have outlook at work and have to block unsolicited emails all the time. You just need to scroll down that tab with options on the left it's where junk mail appears as an option and just block.
I see a previous poster has sent a link to tell you how to do it. I'm clueless about this stuff as you can see! But I found it just by fumbling around you can to!
And well done on starting to break free from this soul sucking drug addict and all round nightmare.

Never believe what anyone TELLS you, believe what they SHOW YOU!!! Hang in OP, you can do this and you can be you again. 🤜🏻🤛🏼