Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

He never even got on that train to his daughters, he took the money from all three of you by lies and manipulation, went to his dealers and went in a nodding off state on the drugs for six hours and physically couldn't answer his phone.

He will try all the techniques in the book to get in contact with you, convince you he loves/needs you or is in desperate times for money because hel be panicking at losing his cash cow. Sadly, he doesn't love you and won't love anyone as much as he loves his drugs.

Last week I noticed a man nodding out on the grass across from my house. Went over and he was completely out it and had been sick. I put him in the recovery position and went home to get my phone and water. When I came back he'd sat up and was babbling he was just tired as he hadn't slept all night. Got up and wandered into the road leaving his phone, hoody, body warmer and vape. I returned them to him and a male neighbour came out and guided him off the road and said he'd deal with it. An hour later my 11 year old ran up from the park and said there was a man unconscious in the road so I called 999. This is the reality of an addict and how they lose things, are so "tired" as they're awake all night and just chaotic. You deserve so much more.

Reading your update OP it’s clear that you are also upset he may be in contact with another woman/women.
I would think it’s possible but the thing is even if he is, he’s just looking for more sources of stuff - attention, assistance, money.
Please understand the addiction comes first over and above everything. He will lie and cheat to get what he wants. He lives in utter chaos.
I have been around someone whose life is being impacted just like yours and a whole family has been decimated by this behaviour. No amount of money, love or support helps. They raised money for a private rehab and the addict walked straight back out to using.
You are traumatised by all of this. You can’t just forget about it as your mind and body have been on 24/7 alert for so long.
I would go to my GP and tell them what you’ve been through. You could access some counselling.

You need to look after your mental health too.

I would think it’s possible but the thing is even if he is, he’s just looking for more sources of stuff - attention, assistance, money.

This ^

When I said he's keeping his romance options open, I doubt he sees it as romance. Just more useful sources. Tossing you the occasional crumb of a text message, OP, is just to make sure you don't withdraw your investment.

His life is fucked, and he won't hesitate to drag you down with him if that's what it takes to sustain his habits.

Listen, to everyone here. We all give you permission to leave him. Do it now by blocking him on everything. Do it now

He’s been using you plain and simple and you have enabled him. That’s why he continues.

You wait, once he realises you’re not falling for it anymore, you won’t see him for dust.

And he’s not been contacting his daughter in the middle of the night, that’s just an excuse to appease you.

The best thing you can do is ignore him and move on with your life. You can’t fix him.

It's not your job to be like a mother looking after a toddler because physically or mentally a toddler can't look after themselves. This man is drinking to much, taking drugs, has no money and has no future due to their behaviour. As a former boss of his said to you if you stay with him he will drag you down. He is not willing to acknowledge his behaviour and seek help to improve his own life because it's easier due his looks to get some woman to come along listen to his waffle and help him pay his bills, his drugs ect.
It's all about him and what he wants.

I am glad to see that you have finally realised what he is like. Keep blocking him. Tell your friends that you have done this. Met up with friends and start to make plans for days away, nights out or even a short break away. Start to work on building up a life that you deserve and don't worry about being single for a while. Do the freedom program as well so that in the future you can avoid men like him.

Now you can see as well that the drugs and drinking are effecting his look's and his decline over the past few years. He is going to find it harder to get a new woman to replace you so you can expect him to try contacting you. Tell him if he keeps this up you will ring the police to report him.

Hope your day has been ok @A1m52 and you are feeling a bit better tomorrow x

Please don't let his eupd be the excuse of his behaviour. I myself have eupd/BPD which is the Same thing. Thing is with bpd people they can be very manipulative and they no what there doing but they can also be loving he knows if he tells u he's suicidal your come running he 100 percent knows what he's doing he knows your triggers because he's studied them he knows how to get things. My advice ring police or ambulance police will do a well fair check and make him go somewhere. Cut ties and know you've done everything you possibly could he won't change this is his behaviour but please don't feel sorry for him because he has eupd he knows what he's doing and he can controll it with the proper help x

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words and support. It helps to feel stronger somehow.

Today's been OK. I've slept a little. Watched a film. I have some candles lit. I ordered a minky cloth bundle of tik tok (saddo) I'm going to read the last few pages of my book shortly.

I'm a little restless this last hour. Not had any contact at all so I'm working through the anxiety/fear of overdoses and him being really sad. I keep trying to speak to myself and remind myself that I've tried and tried and nothing I do holds him up long term. So if he's that broken amd doesn't ask for help it's not my fault. I've got him help many times now and I've told the GP surgery and the mental health teams so many times the state he's in. I've told them I'm struggling to support him. I've told them he needs more. But they are not able to help because he won't stay in hospital. There's nothing readily available so by the time support comes it's too late.
It's out of my control. I saw a tiktok earlier about letting go of what I can't control. That's exactly that.

Almost through another day.

Don’t set yourself on fire trying to keep somebody else warm.

I've just blocked his WhatsApp now so he's fully blocked. I'm going to sleep now.

You are his mommy. He is using you. I'm sorry.

Well done!

Fantastic!

Well done! That counts for so much. You’re doing really well.

I feel so weird this morning. I've never got this far. This is the hardest bit for me because I feel really uncomfortable and cruel blocking someone who may be distressed. But he hasn't tried to call or text. Even when blocked it brings up a blue circle to say a blocked contact called me. I have got to let go of the worries now. I cannot fix his housing problems. Our "cosy" days together are gone.

Why do we tend to think about stuff that wasn't that great really thinking ah that's a shame? I don't want people to be frustrated with me. Until May this year I did all the chasing. I always walked to his house. I always walked in the dark to get to work on time. He used to walk to meet me. Than he stopped. I've always paid for our meals. So once I'd walked to his I'd then go to sainsburys and buy us a meal. It would often coast £25 once I had got meat, veg, snacks milk etc. He would often cook. He would be in his element then. I didnt see any drug use so back then I felt content. In his company. He would "look after me" and run me a bath and stuff. We'd play games and cuddle up.
But what sticks out to me is a couple of things. These "happy days" I would wait until he had gone in the shower or was asleep and I would go into the kitchen and climb up on his worktop as there was a place I'd often find a pipe high up. Sometimes it would be under the washer bit. Sometimes when he went to the shop I would run in his bedroom and find stuff in his bedroom drawers that was linked to drug use. Stuff was always appearing in his house and I didn't understand. I became so anxious I was looking for hairs that were females on his sofa. I found them Sometimes. I stopped going to his place months ago. I decided I couldn't do it to myself no more. So he's only been coming to visit me.
I've been so unhappy yet thinking we were doing well Sometimes. Yet we never really were. I never really knew him and I was never enough to distract him from that shit.

Well this is day 2 I guess. I have never got this far.

OP helping someone like this can become a dependency on itself. You desperately want to see signs of recovery, a chink of light that something like a normal relationship is on its way.
Anyone on here who has been around an addict will tell you how lonely it is - they just don’t have the capacity to care properly. They will exhaust you until there is nothing left.
You have got to Day 2. Take small steps. You have a lovely home of your own and you work, so you have a good base to build things on.
Have a toolkit to help - favourite book and film, a box set you enjoy, snacks you like, your favourite album.
In all of this, all of your needs and wants have been lost.
Now you need to channel all of that care into yourself. It’s not easy but it has to be a day-by-day thing.
Keep posting on here for support.

Please end this relationship. You are not responsible for him. He won't help himself, and can't expect you to.

You are going through your own withdrawal - your addiction to him

He is the drug that you need to never, ever, use again. It's not that it's he himself who gave you the "rush", but something in the relationship sparked this need in you. I suspect you like to "fix" people.

What was your childhood like? There's a reason why you got sucked into this and it'd help you recognise why so you can watch out in future.

Meantime, like all addicts in recovery, stay away from it, take one day at a time.

For both your sakes you have to step away (properly).
Tell him you'll support him as a friend (but not on 24 hour call) but that's it. No more paying for things, no more solving all his problems, no more being his parent and carer.

He needs proper help otherwise he will never take the steps HE needs to take to start improving his life. If he loves you he'll be prepared to get (and stay) well for you, but more importantly he has to want it for himself.

I can hear how much this is wearing you down - physically, emotionally, financially etc and in being kind and supportive, and trying your damdest to be a good girlfriend/partner, you're doing you both a disservice by allowing him to be completely dependent on you and that, in turn, is making YOU ill.

Self-preservation mode switched ON.

Put yourself first. Mo ifs, no buts.

You can't help him if he won't help himself, and he won't help himself whilst you're helping him to this degree.

You've been nothing but kind, loving, loyal and supportive. You've tried your very, very best, but it'll never be enough whilst he needs lots of professional help.

I have sympathy for him - depression and other mental health problems are utter HELL to live with but he has allowed himself to totally depend on you and now it's time for him to acknowledge that he needs to do things to help himself now.

This life for both of you is completely unsustainable.

OP I was surprised to read that you're in your 30s. I'd formed a picture of someone 20 years older and totally downtrodden by life.

Yeah in my mid 30s. Does that make me a bigger fool? I don't know how I got here.

Yes I've read that somewhere that you withdraw from what you've been doing to support the person and the highs and lows.

My parents are still married. Had a safe childhood. Happy enough. My mum wasn't very affectionate and made me feel silly at times. But overall all was normal.

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. You’re not responsible for him or his mental health issues. Someone can be both suicidal and manipulative at the same time, in fact threats of suicide if you leave is a common manipulation tactic.

Frankly it sounds like you’ve taken in a beggar off the streets - it’s ridiculous that he’s begging for money from multiple people for train fare, for a trip he never intended to take. I don’t think he’s as helpless as you think he is. He knows exactly what he’s doing. It’s likely he is an addict and is using the money for nefarious purposes.

If he is in contact with his 24 year old daughter he’s probably manipulating her as well. I’m the same age and wouldn’t know what to do if my dad was calling/messaging me every night at 4am threatening suicide. I’d be worrried and giving him money too. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.