Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

I haven't had sex or physically spent any time with him for weeks. I've made huge progress. Huge. I just let him get medication and I reacted to the keys. But I was shocked because he was out and about ignoring me and now I know why.

Don’t be hard on yourself @A1m52
It is so upsetting that he has had you and his DD so worried.
You have done really well so far - keep going, and being kind to yourself.

It's such a complete headfuck realising the gap between what we are led to believe, and reality. There is no truth or reality with someone like this, unfortunately.

Well done OP, another day!

Just don't let him back in, ever
Worried for your safety.
He's given you a taste of what could be next.

Does he have keys for your place? If he does you need to change the locks.

Really glad to read your updates. You’re doing so well and it’s great to see.

He doesn't have keys I have the only key. He said he's moving away on the 19th but isn't telling anyone where.
Said his benefits have been sent back and his banks been shut down so he can't get any money.. I shouldn't see him again now as he's leaving apparently. So that should be it. I feel like I want to go to sleep and give up. Why do I feel terrified

Instinctive response to threat of abandonment? I can’t remember if you said you were in therapy but I would recommend some if you’re not.

Let yourself feel the feelings and if you want to go to sleep, do it. Or give yourself a nice bath or a soothing tv programme? Take care of yourself.

Well it is kind of terrifying to see someone mess their life up so dramatically. It's a slow car crash, or maybe even a fast one. Hard to look away, but you can only dare to peek between your fingers.

The thing to remember is that he's not really interested in living the kind of life you'd like him to have.

You might also be terrified because your unconscious is wondering what trick he might pull next. Trust your instincts. Take whatever measures you can to protect yourself from any crazy shit he might spring on you.

@A1m52 the date, him moving the whole narrative is based on lies. He probably can’t remember what he says from one minute to the next…

I feel like he's arranged to move away and stop with someone. But with no source of income that person will be providing for him. He seems to be planning on getting unkversa credits to transfer him so he doesn't have to live here. I half suspect it's bullshit.

I feel like my chest is going to explode. I keep getting stupid annoying nostalgic memories and I hate it. Songs triggering me remembering falling in love with him or going to see him. Ughhh

Don't worry I am not back tracking. Just grieving. I feel like I want to sleep and not wake up again.

Look at how far you've come already!
I was in an abusive relationship and I genuinely felt like I loved him more than anything and the breakup was devastating for me. I look back and I realise I was just extremely trauma bonded to him.

I honestly never thought I'd get over him and felt suicidal but here I am, 12 years later with an incredible husband and 2 wonderful children.

I promise you it WILL get better and you will have your happily ever after but only if you permanently shut the door on him.
Keep going! You've got this xxx

Wise words @Incakewetrust
Hope you got some good sleep @A1m52

I've barely slept. I need some help. Someone to talk to right now. I can't think of anyone that can help me 😔

So sorry to hear this sending you a hug.
I have found the Samaritans have been brilliant in times of need.
Could you call one of your friends?
Sorry if these sound like daft suggestions!

Here if that’s of any use- writing hugs and reading your thoughts?

@A1m52

Please read back all your posts in this thread as if it was your best friend or sister writing them . What would you think ? What would you say ? I think you know the answer . You deserve better .

Thank you. I think I've hit a really low point with him moving away. It kind of confirms I'll never ever see him again and there's never ever going to be an us again. Which is exactly what needs to be. But it feels absolutely terrifying and I don't know why.

For a long time this man, and caring for him, has become your life.
It is not just a break up, it’s different to that.
You forget what a normal life can be and become a hostage to another person’s needs.
You will never know where he really is because that’s how he likes it. It’s power to him leaving you confused, and it is cruel.
The person you once loved left a long time ago. And you got left with someone else almost trying to bring them back to life.
It is grief but it gets better in time. But staying in it, with him, would ruin any chance you have of happiness.
You have made a brave choice.

The sad thing OP is that there never really was an 'us'. What you saw was a construct, a fake front that crumbled and is now revealing the truth about about who and what he really was all along.

The fake was what made you happy, and he knew this and played it up in order to get what he wanted out of you. The personality defects and the addictive self-centered behaviour soon came out.

I think the healthiest thing to do is to realise and accept this fact, put it in a mental box marked fake and focus on creating a real life for yourself.

Tell us about what YOU love doing. What you enjoy, your hobbies and interests?

Start focusing on you instead of him because, as they say, he's not worth it.

I think one thing is that his demands have become so all-consuming, for so long, that you have quite literally forgotten what to do with yourself. I remember being faced with a whole empty weekend and going into an existential panic. How would I make proper use of all that time? How could I possibly ever justify the "sacrifice" of the person I had once loved? (because, of course, I had not yet learned to consider myself worthy of love or care).

Again I'm going to recommend this book, a 12-week course that will give you a different daily focus and help you find out what YOU want next, how to fill the enormous gap left by no longer caretaking someone who is out of control.

The other thing, which I'm not sure how to put, is that because you are used to doing everything for him, you are probably also trying to "do" his feelings for him as well. So, you are probably fraught with anxiety imagining all the emotional pain he is going through. When actually, he is quite likely just getting on with things the way he normally would, i.e. taking advantage of everyone and everything, with a steady focus on parasitic networks of support that he can drain. That's what happiness looks like to him. It sounds as though he has lined up his next victim(s) easily enough, so as far as he's concerned it's business as usual in his life.

Grieving "us" is only natural, but I hope you understand that it meant something completely different to him. Attributing him with the emotional capacity to love you is a bit like expecting a reptile to show the same affection as a golden terrier.

Do you believe him, OP?

Sounds like he's after money from you.

Don't kick yourself when you're already down, if you weren't ready then you weren't ready, the fact you are recognising his behaviour as wrong shows you have strength, you just needed that little bit extra to make the jump! We were together 4.5 years then he was diagnosed, like yours, he got progressively worse and used it as a get out card. 5 years in total together before I kicked him out.
I knew there was good in him and he treated me well 90% of the time so I was happy to take the chance and try again if he worked on himself.
The differnce is though, yours doesn't seem to treat you well the majority of the time, and nothing you have said suggests he's acknowledging the condition other than for his own gain and manipulation of you. We tried so many things to help, leaving him to suffer and deal with it alone is the only thing that worked.
Don't feel guilty for anything, step away when you are ready and take care of yourself first. Same goes for him, he needs to learn to take care of himself before he can be good for you and a relationship, and he needs to learn that the hard way

Yeah he's moving in with his female cousin that deals with all his drama and slags him off then defends him. I'm reading all your messages now. I'm back at work today so hoping I'll feel better.

Yes you are right. I have become hostage to his drama and problems. I need to work harder now to disconnect. 100% there's no going back now. It's over forever. Whilst I'm weirdly sad he's going to this cousin because she's caused enough trouble wiping his arse then slagging him off. I'm also relieved because he won't be my responsibility anymore. Not that he is! But it fully relieves me from responsibility mode forever. I'll never have to feel guilt again!

Yeah he has a plan. But it's a rubbish one. He can't even take his plants with him. He's going to leave all sentimental bits and decor and just take his clothes. Between them they don't have a pot to piss in. She is always broke and in debts with utility bills. But he will get shagging an old school friend or whatever fairly soon. He will be fine once there. Its where he grew up and he used to flirt with half his old school friends on Facebook. He's probably exhausted all his options here and he will die if he stays so I have to be happy for him in that respect.