Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

Saying this kindly , you are allowing him to invade your head .
It sounds like you are remembering past deeds , past actions , and all the times he has hurt you . STOP NOW . It is in the PAST, old news , times gone by etc.
You are not with him now , nor do you have plans for him in the future . You are not his next of kin . Don't answer numbers you don't know. He's not your problem .

I love your words of encouragement. So thank you and I am greatful. Its just not that simple or easy to turn your brain off after 4 years plus of trauma. I wish I could x

I think you have to stop beating yourself up, and frame it as: You are a kind and caring person. It would not be natural to switch this off overnight. It will take time...
...but will be worth it
and is definitely the way forward, for him as well as you. x

Sorry for the slow reply. I got my eyebrows shaped. Back tomorrow for eye lash tints.

I have definitely learned that now. Since June I've been onto the mental health teams and his gp. Paramedics. Everyone but unless he is happy to go to the mental health department in another town an hour away he will not get any further support. You ate correct. The NHS is stretched as it is. Sadly we do loose people to drugs and addictions. I've just been to the shop for milk and 2 men maybe up to early 40s were behind me talking fast so I moved to one side and they went past. Off their faces and stumbling about. It's always going to be a thing. Sad they are someone's children. But we can't control it. I'm starting to let go of my fears of being blamed for not helping him. I have realised I won't get the blame.
Your exes sound wonderful dont they. Your not to blame though. They blend in well at first. Come across nice and all the right stuff. They just cannot keep it going forever. You are very wise and I appreciate you sharing your knowledge and wisdom with me. It helps me. Infact I cannot explain how greatful I am to this post. How lucky am I that so many people are there for me with words of encouragement and support. I expected to be destroyed with why I'm an idiot and this has reinstalled my faith in humans. I would love one day to be able to help others go through this. I think it should be taught in schools. People need to speak up more as the loneliness is often what keeps a person stuck.

I wish I could like your post 100 times OP 💗💗💗

You can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!

It goes against the grain, and feels completely unnatural/traumatic. But you know the healthy way forward, and it involves not being dragged down by him x

Great job!! You’ve done so well. I am sure it is tough being on your own this week so make a list a things you would love to do and just havnt had the time and head space. Eg. I’ve always wanted to try wild swimming, or volunteer at the local animal shelter. Get a really good book to read. Any local museums or attractions to visit?

unless he is happy to go to the mental health department in another town an hour away he will not get any further support
I'm afraid this is the big snag 😬

As far as he's concerned, everything is just fine and dandy!

How are you doing @A1m52 and good luck with your lashes!

Hello I had my lift and tint. Very happy with that.
I have been to the Dr's today as I had a couple of swollen glands in my neck and armpit. Having bloods tomorrow but I should be OK as no other issues.
After the Dr's I went to the local park to the cafe for lunch with my friend and a good chat. I've just got home now. So tired! I'm doing alot of processing. Dreaming alot I guess at the moment.

Well that sounds like a much better day! Well done! X

Sounds really positive. And probably ideal for you right now- recuperation is tiring. I hope you have a peaceful evening and sweet dreams.

Hello update.

He came up to collect his remainder of tablets. He was carrying a set of keys with an address on the keyring on a posher estate. I asked who they belonged to. He tried lying and lying. I noticed his fingers were burned and knuckles were cut. He started telling and picked up my drink off the side. Kicked it across the floor then picked it up and smashed it. Called me a weirdo then screamed I was always suspicious. He began shouting He had just found the keyring. I pointed out it was a whole set of keys for another house. He then tried to say it was one of his scummy mates who lives with 3 others in a shared house in a poor area. He then walked out slammed the door.

I'm OK. But so distressed he's been lying and staying elsewear.

That’s a horrible interaction to have. But he came into your home and behaved violently: please, please, cut him off, report to the police, never have any contact with him again and certainly never let him into your home. Get a door camera thing. He is a nasty man and he means you harm, you cannot trust him not to hurt you. Please. This is your physical safety at stake now.

OP so a few days ago he was calling you breaking down, refusing help from his DD and everyone else.
Now he has the resources to get to your home to get his meds.
Whoever the keys belong to doesn’t matter - he is abusing you. He is trying to mess with your mind.
Of course you have been suspicious in the past because he had betrayed you.
You are not weird.
Did he apologise for any of the harm done to you? Asked how you are? No.
If he has latched into someone else, even if it is a woman, he’s not going to turn up with romance, flowers and a date is he? He’s going to turn up a mess. He will take from anyone.
Please, please, please have no more contact with him or his family. You are never going to recover while he can call on you ‘one last time’ for something.

Blimey OP

Please be careful – I wouldn't let him back into your home again.

His victim delusional victim state quite likely sees you as the enemy now that he can't manipulate you. He is capable of anything. Don't give him the chance to make things even worse for you. He's done enough damage. Let him go.

Don't let him into your home again, OP.

Is there anything else of his left to collect?

Why are you letting him into your home OP? And why do you need to know whose keys they are and where he’s staying?

I know you’re finding it hard but you really need to go 100% NC because you’re still letting him live rent free in your head

You're prioritising his MH and wellbeing over your own. Stop engaging with him - he won’t stop so you have to otherwise this endless cycle will continue.

You really are in a bad way when your focus is that he's been lying and staying somewhere else that distressed you.

He behaved violently in your home. This was his reaction to a question about keys.

Why on earth you allowed him near your home again or how he contacted you to arrange this is baffling.

If he was collecting medication all that was needed was them to be left outside for him to pick up. You are allowing yourself to be treated like this. Until you stop that, no advise or support here will make any difference.

But we told you over and over that he was lying through his teeth and was just trying to use you again!

Why the fuck did you let him into your home? You could have left anything of his outside your door for him to collect!

Now you have seen for yourself that he's absolutely fine and not shivering in some doorway. You've just been a useful idiot to him and it's high time you bloody well stopped it.

You've been conned. Repeatedly.

This is the sign you need to divest yourself fully of him!!!

block everything, never answer a number you don’t know. In fact if you can change your phone number do this.

you are better than this. You are worthy of better! Xx

OP, I really feel for you because I know that all these posters pointing out that you are letting him live rent free in your head, that he was violent in your home, that it's not your issue where he's staying or that he's lying are right BUT I also know that you are still so enmeshed you can't help it.

You have to keep working at this. He is a liar. You know that. NOTHING will change it. Try to accept that, and stop looking for truths. YOu will never get them.

He is NOT your problem and you do NOT need to let him into your house, engage with him etc. If something bad happens to him, it is NOT your fault.

If you don't, this man will still be in your life, on the periphery, for years and years to come. I speak from experience of watching this with someone I love very much and how it has destroyed her.

But so distressed he's been lying and staying elsewear.

With respect OP

Who they keys belong to and where he's living is none of your business.

What he says about it is irrelevant.

Whether he's telling the truth or lying is irrelevant.

His circus, his monkeys, not yours.

What is relevant is:

Deceit: He tried lying and lying.

Aggressive/violent behaviour: He picked up my drink off the side, kicked it across the floor then picked it up and smashed it.

He began shouting

He then walked out slammed the door

Insulting: Called me a weirdo then screamed I was always suspicious.

Could you see that as the door slamming shut on a negative and closed part of your life?

No more access to your home. Your safe, private space.

Or to you. Controlling and frightening you is where he is.

Anything else he wants to get - leave on the doorstep, get someone else to take it round, send a courier.

Look to the future and focus on healing - and that means not allowing him in to mess with your head.

He's just reeled you back in hasn't he?

Why do you care? You should be rejoicing someone else has taken him on. He's done this deliberately.

No more communication with him. It's done. Why are you focusing on finer details?

So basically OP what we're trying to warn you is that this pathetic loser does not love you and never has. He has played that game to secure supply from you. Of course, in his drug-addled confusion he might have dreamed of romance, which would have been persuasive, but someone like this is not capable of loving anyone.

Now that his manipulation tactics no longer work, he could well resort to threats and intimidation to get what he wants from you. Please don't wait to find out.

Those of us advising you here have direct experience of this kind of shit, please take it seriously.

He hasn't reeled me in. I couldnt keep his medication that's all it was. There's nothing else here.
I was angry because he's been staying somewhere in secret whilst me and his daughter thought he was dying or overdosing. He looked horrendous. I couldnt leave them outside really but I get it.