Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

Absolutely this. Don’t answer calls from unknown numbers OP you know it’s just him desperately trying to wear down your boundaries and go back to supplying him.

Oh I so sorry you are going through this. I can understand the love you have for him, at the same time mixed in with great fear. But you are not responsible for his actions and what he does, I hope he doesn't put that on you and use that as a manipulative tactic to draw you in, when or if you have hit your breaking point. He needs care that you are not required to give, and if you are a Doctor or Nurse your job is to help the people who want to receive and come in for help. This is a scary and nerve-wracking situation to be in. Are you in counseling? Does he have parents or siblings? All of this shouldn't be on you.

This is drug inducted paranoia.

We can always make choices in life. Taking drugs, drinking, cheating, lying will always lead to chaotic life which will further worsen mental health. And mental illness is not an excuse for those behaviours.

You also have a choice. A choice to leave destructive relationship and have a healthy life or a choice to continue engaging in this toxic mess with huge consequences for yourself.
It's not an easy choice but it is a choice OP.

You know what you have to do and everyone would support you in deciding that you're worth more then that.

He has two daughters if I’ve read the posts correctly so he’s not without family.

Please quote and show me where you see this?

I would have to read through the whole thread. Just click on the OP’s posts and read them for more background.

She’s said several times she’s contacted his daughter who is fully aware of the situation.

Next time, call the police, not an ambulance.

Tell his daughters, as his next of kin.

Well done for not getting drawn in.

I agree it would be wise to change your phone numbers, and call-screen unknown numbers. A Ring doorbell to check up on who's at your door.

Okay, well I just read this post and gave my input. His two daughters shouldn't have to go through this either, or see their parent like this, especially if they are minors or even young adults. I was just more so asking, because OP stated that he takes her money, ODs and has had to call the paramedics 3 times. So I was saying that is a lot to put on one person.

Don't waste the time of ambulance people. He obviously is never going to go with them .
He just wants your attention .
I agree with the other poster who said call the police. That will be more practical and may scare him into to stop crying wolf all the time.
You sound like you are going through enough and don't need his drama on top of it.
As for your mum well she does sound like hard work . It's weird how parents can make you feel so small.
But I bet if you had a husband and so on she would still find somthing negative to say.
Being in a relationship doesn't automatically make you happy or complete. Reading posts on here should show you that .
You sounds like a really decent kind person and your parents should be proud of you for that

He was in crisis but of sound enough mind to call you from a different number?
He really was trying to manipulate you and nothing else.

Quite!

Honestly, next time he pulls a stunt like that I'd be tempted to reply in kind.

Talk gibberish and say I can't help him because the giant pigeons are floating around my head and won't let me use the carnival.

Don’t let there be a next time! Either only answer calls from numbers you know or change your number.

Morning everyone. I feel a little sad and anxious. I need to get out today. I'm debating going to get my eyebrows waxed and have a patch test done to have my eyelashes lifted and tinted. I'm not sure if it's worth it. Has anyone had this done.
Definitely need to avoid being home alone too much. It's frustrating being off work this week is needed. I'm so drained. But I can't get joy out of things. I planned on doing a deep clean and stuff which I probably will this afternoon. But the house just makes me feel even more lonely.

Thank you for riding things out with me. I know it feels frustrating that I helped again yesterday. But it's because I just want him sectioned and helped. It's only going to get worse until he is.

Great that you have plans. FWIW I like having my eyelashes tinted, saves using mascara. And it’s ok to focus on small wins- if not joy, some satisfaction for the cleaning, or enjoy your favourite dinner.

Wrt your ex, I think you getting involved will only encourage him to persist in trying to get you back. It will make things harder for you. Particularly when I don’t think they will section him, unless he does something in public. I don’t think he’s that unwell, I think he’s putting it on or exaggerating it madly, exactly to manipulate you and worry you and get you to be involved. He is not your problem, you can’t be the solution. Sending gentle hugs.

Morning @A1m52 it sounds like being stuck in a place where you want to move forward but still have concerns.
You can’t switch off being a caring person.
He clearly is unwell but if he managed to get access to a phone yesterday and call you then he has some resources.
Refusing any resources which may help is now down to him. Refusing assistance from his daughter is his choice. Remember he is an addict and there is nothing more you can do.
It sounds to me like he wants to manipulate you into breaking so that you will turn up with resources.
It must be strange being in the house when you are used to him being a visitor but you have done really well.
Go and get your patch test done and do something for you. Have the best day you can and if you get any more unrecognised calls, let them go to answer phone.

Thank you. I'm not sure if I've quoted this above in the last week somewhere. But I'll always remember one of his cousins saying it was her fault to an extent that his ex stayed in touch for so long as she asked her to look out for him (cousin lives 2 hours away) she told me the ex had said "I want to help him. He breaks my heart though because everytime I start to move on he always needs me for something"

It's like im going through the exact same things now and can see why she was still lurking about. Although she did appear to be giving him false hope aswel.

OK I'll go get the patch test done and get them to sort My eyebrows out. I feel on edge waiting for the next problem I think. I'll be OK. Hope you both have good days too. X

Forgot to say 100% agree he's declined his daughters help. My help and the opportunity to get more support. If I felt as horrendous as him I would go to the professionals and let them support me. Surely it would be a comfort to have family around. Especially with loosing your home etc. If you are under mental health there's a larger chance of them helping you surely. So it's another sabotaging behaviour on his part.

Never been that ill but I did need help and readily accepted it.
But addiction is a real bugger. It makes decent people turn into selfish horrors.

It's on a spectrum isn't it like everything else. I have a lovely friend who hid a problem with cocaine from me. She's clean now. She's the kindest soul I've ever met. She just lost her way. She hasn't a single bit of manipulation within her.
I don't think I will ever come across someone like him again. There's not even words to explain. There's the addictions. Then there's the really difficult stubbornness and mood swings. Then there's the highs that are almost embarrassing because it's so temporary and you wouldn't want him around your family like that. Then there's the stealing. Then there's the victim mentality. Then there's this really destructive side where he sets himself up to loose and fail.

I get flashbacks in my head alot lately. About a year ago I found him on a dating site. Under this fake name. I had started going through his phone as I sensed he was up to something. He had browsers and browsers opened on zoosk with these older looking women that were old enough to be my mum. It was a sense of wtf. He had half exposed his identity. But half his details were fake. When he knew I had seen it he changed looking for a relationship to looking for friendship.
But at that time I'd just supported him to get a flat. I had rang the landlord and booked a viewing. He was never going to ring him. Then I cleaned it up etc. He lost his job a month later and he just went from being a worker to this reclused person who never went out. Its been over a year now. He puts it down to back pain. But he won't entertain any different work. He was really good at his job. Travelled all over the country for jobs and he made the best part of a grand a week. He just spent the last year getting up. Watching tele waiting for me. We were always together but for me it wasn't enough. He never joined in with me in life or arranged to go out so weird. I have to go out with other people. Just small things like shopping or a cafe for breakfast. A trip to the seaside. Even just a nice walk in the woods. He knew how much I wanted him to come walk with me I the local woods etc. Not once in 4 years. Its like he's in this world of his own with or without drugs. I'd be so unfulfilled. Weirdly he went to Greece when we were split with another woman. I remember she sent his things to my address after we got back together. He said they'd always just been mates. Sounds like they spent 6 months together though. She was engaged to someone else by the end of the year. She was the ex wife of one of his school friends. Very very weird. He went away with his ex to Italy, France etc. I am guessing she had a car and she arranged it all. Because he's never been away with me. I find it all odd.

Not sure what I'm writing really. Waffling no doubt.

It’s good to waffle - because it isn’t waffle. It gets it all out.
He clearly just uses people OP to get what he wants. He certainly has no care for anyone else’s needs. He should as a father be looking out for his daughters, not the other way around.
If he’s been good looking he’s clearly traded on that. But once the drugs kick in the looks go.
He has a sad, empty life. Nobody can fill that gap.
I don’t like diagnosing people as I’m not a doctor but a lot of those behaviours suggest mental illness that can’t be solved in the usual ways like antidepressants and counselling.
You have spent years babysitting him. Please don’t think he’s treated anyone better by going abroad with them.
It is like grief, and it’s so, so tough. But time is a great healer and every day you put yourself freedom counts!

You just sound very sad, and baffled. He has never been the person he pretended to be when you met him. But the fact that you fell in love with that persona means you’re always waiting for it to reappear- if you’re prettier, more amenable, more generous, more accepting of his “quirks”, more tolerant… it all comes back to the truth that you don’t believe fundamentally that you are enough as you are.
I understand and am/have been in the same place. It’s taken a lot of work to get to a slightly better place and I’m not out of the woods, but being single for years was a very good move on my part. It showed me (and my mother) that I was ok on my own, I was enough.

You are enough.

He is not who you think he is- that person never existed. Whatever you do will never get him to be that person. He has no interest in doing anything to change the situation he’s in, and he has no interest in you as a person. He’s terminally selfish. I’m so sorry. These moments are going to be so hard, but they will pass. You can get to a better place.

If you’re reading I suggest you try Rachel’s Holiday by Marian Keyes, which deals with addiction (but is funny and easy to read). There’s also a part of her book This Charming Man which describes alcoholism, which I find fascinating and keep re-reading (it’s a bit close to home), but the rest of the book (also very good) addresses domestic violence.

Maybe they see that he’s not as ill as he’s making out?

Or maybe mental health services where you are are broken 😔

Hmmm I didn't want to alarm you with this before OP, but don't place too much faith in "the professionals" to sort him out. I had a partner (another one, I didn't half pick 'em back in the day!) who went into full-on drug psychosis. I assumed the appropriate authorities would step in and see to it that he got proper treatment, but no one really seemed to give a shit. I expect they have enough on their plate without these groggy weirdos who aren't easy to diagnose, partly as they might have nothing wrong with them that's not of their own doing.

It's just so hard with these losers to know how to separate fact from fiction. They hardly know themselves, as they spend so long in a delusional drug state that reality must seem like a vague dream. With my ex-DP, I ended up having no idea who he really was. I was tortured by memories of the happy times we'd spent, but there was such a broad and extreme spectrum of behaviours that I just gave up trying to work out which one was "really him" - if indeed any of them were.

I am sorry to keep using harsh terms to refer to him, but in my experience being an addict does not mean being an arsehole, as your friend proved. It seems to me with blokes like this that they are primarily an arsehole and we just excuse them on the grounds of all the shit choices they then go on to make, which make their lives so much worse.

I also wonder if they kind of get addicted to being rescued, a bit like that Munchausen's by proxy thing where mothers harm their children in order to receive attention from healthcare services.

Just warning you that although you may long for the "professionals" to "fix" him, it is likely that he will just drift around making a mess of his life for ever. That is the sad story, I'm afraid. You need to accept it in order to let go. It is not your job to secure proper treatment for him, because it's quite likely that there is none, and/or no one is going to pay him that much attention. My ex attempted to kill someone, and even that didn't get him into proper care.

Sorry OP, I know how hard this is. I cried a river over him, and others! It felt absolutely devastating at the time! Now, I just wonder how I tolerated their shit for more than 5 minutes.

It's cathartic to get it all out, and you're also helping others to understand this type of person and how they operate.

You sound really lovely and intelligent, and you should be so proud of yourself.

It's only when things have panned out and we look back, that we learn, and know not to sell ourselves short again, so good does come out of bad 💐