Leaving a suicidal person

[A1m52]

Boyfriends mental health has controlled our relationship. His illness has a side effect of being reckless and making rash decisions. This causes him to spend all his money and then ask me for help. He's lied alot this year and some of his behaviour has disgusted me.

I've had to call him paramedics 3 times since May.. overdoses and hallucinations. He never gets kept in and refuses to go to the mental health team.

He's loosing his house today but he's not responded to the section 8 at all and not contacted the council.

He's uncontactable alot..sleeping alot. Heavily depressed. I'm suffering too though as I wake up to nothing from him message wise. I go to work and often only just hear from him in the afternoons. He's online throughout the night. This morning seeing he was online at 4am but didn't reply to my messages at 9pm Last night has made me once again message him saying you clearly talk to someone online in the night (he denies it everytime)

I have just blocked his number. But I feel so cruel! I am exhausted and tired of him leaving on me. I do care so deeply. But I feel he's turning to someone else and he's up all night chatting.

You have done everything you need to do as a handover. You do not need to do anything more.

You need to stop now and let others take over. It will slow your recovery if you keep stepping in. There is nothing more you need or can do.

Well done OP, I hope the mental health team will step in but I agree with pp that as you’re not married or anything you don’t have to be his next of kin, you can ask that they don’t treat you like that (and I would, actually. I heard a woman on the radio whose daughter’s abusive boyfriend (with whom she had split up) was released from prison into her house with no prior warning- condition of parole that he stayed there. It was horrific. You don’t want him sent to live with you!).

anyway have a nice day, outdoor time with a friend and a dog sounds a good idea. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Well done op you've done the toughest days 💕 now it's time to rest, recover and reclaim your life. Glad you're getting out in nature and seeing friends etc, those are the things that will set you free 🦋 Don't underestimate how long it will take to feel better and be prepared for really shit days. But over time you'll think of him less and the good will outweigh the bad, until one magical day - the bad ones will be gone 🪄

I was having bad dreams recently and realised I hadn't drunk any water since the previous morning, just cappuccinos.

Are you staying hydrated and eating properly? You absolutely may not feel like eating but nutrition and exercise and fresh air and what daylight we have at the mo will all help.

Please get it in writing from all concerned that you are not next of kin. His adult family members should be contacted.

Stay resolute. Any self harm threats that might come your way - straight to the police. They are the emergency services, not you. They can get help his way faster than you can and they can use the law to do that. It's part of their job:

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/social-care-and-your-rights/mental-health-and-the-law/mental-health-act/

Thank you. Luckily I am a girl who loves her food. I am drinking plenty of cups of tea and coffee but I have a glass of water every night too with my vitamins. I am perhaps not cooking as I normally would though. Sticking to pasta and egg on toast etc. Things that don't require effort.
Today's been alot better than yesterday. I went to a garden center earlier for an hour. Didn't buy anything but looked at all the plants and Christmas stuff. Cooked a fry up for My friend and her 2 kids earlier. So I've made Today busier. Not cried yet. I have a mild headache though and ready for bed. It's a week today. Other than the odd message I've done OK ish. These dark nights don't help do they.

You’re doing so well 💪

You’re doing brilliantly, OP. It’s not surprising you have a lot of conflicting feelings. You’ve lived with his drama for a few years and become over-adrenalised (if there is such a word!!!) and hyper-vigilant as a result.

In some ways, you’re going through your own withdrawal process and it’s going to feel painful and difficult but it’s getting you to a much better place. This guy’s been poisoning your life for a few years now - it will take a while to get all the toxin out of your system. I think dreams like the snake dream could actually be quite helpful in that regard.

Onwards and upwards, OP.

In many ways, autumn/winter is symbolically a very good time to go through this. You’ve escaped a toxic relationship. You’re letting it wither and die as things do in winter; you can spend some time quiet and doing things that restore you. Then, in the spring you can start completely fresh and new.

@A1m52 👏 tho I like the autumn, the dark nights are so closed down and restricting. Don't feel safe going out for a walk.

I don't know why but I wrote some stuff down today about my mum. Some painful memories. I want to show you them to get your thoughts. But I'm afraid of the full picture not being there. My mum wasn't horrible to us. She was there and didn't physically hurt us. She was kind enough. But these are my memories of her and my feelings towards her. I felt upset yesterday because my parents don't know I've stayed in this relationship. But they keep telling me I need to find a partner 😩 It's all playing in my head this morning.

It's like i feel I've let myself down anyway and now I'm worrying about what I need to find and should have because I feel being alone at my age is pathetic and they think I'm not normal

I needed specific counselling around the ‘Mother Wound’ to help me with my feelings, which took decades to come up in the first place. It did help. Internal Family Systems also helps me as a form of therapy.

I’m so sorry you are going through this- but the only way out is through. I’ve started to think that trying to save someone else, or win their love, is another way of avoiding feeling our own feelings- or it’s a way of feeling familiarity, if your mother’s love was conditional or unreliable. You will get there. It takes so much work and pain, but it’s better on the other side 💐

How did your mum treat you? I feel small and like a useless adult around her. She has always been abit shitty if I get any sort of compliments online. If someone calls me beautiful on a photo she will bitch about it. Saying its all fake and false acting like that. She has never been there when I've cried as a child or teenager due to boys etc. She just carries on cleaning etc. Never felt normal in her eyes. They hold me back as an adult. Because they are quite forceful with their opinions. If I want to do something my mum will always talk me out of it. I end up snappy and defensive sometimes. Because I want to do something and she finds all the reasons it would be a problem. Or she says think about xyz first. It's hard.

as a child I wasn’t allowed to express myself, disagree with her or be angry. Her way was the only right way. She used to use the silent treatment as a punishment, sometimes for really minor things. As an adult, when I told her about some ways I had as a teen of coping, she wasn’t upset that I had gone through that, she was upset that I’d told her. I made her feel bad by telling her. She put me down in various subtle ways similar to what you describe.

And I recognise that minimising of my emotions, I didn’t feel my emotions for years because they were never ever validated. I used alcohol and other harmful behaviours to suppress them. I got into relationships where I was pathetically grateful for crumbs of affection and would put up with all sorts of nonsense.

That's so sad. I have a really strange feeling towards life at the moment. Very much what's it all for. What's the point. I feel like I've failed in all areas. Yet I know that everyone's on a different path with a whole set of values thoughts and beliefs. No two people are the same. Yet why does it feel like there's a set of specific things we must have in place to feel OK.
I have felt for ages now that phones have e ruined us as humans. Nobody has the space and peace anymore. Its so easy for people to stray and crave something else. So I kind of view relationships now as what's the point in them. On relying on someone else to love you enough to not let you down In harmful ways. I believe men now are always looking for that beautiful manicured perfect woman that they are never content with what they have. Its sad I think like that.

My mums so fake online aswel. She acts like she's great and has a laugh with other women my age. My cousins etc. She would happily tell me I'm not like them and have no life in comparison. She's just odd.

Narcissist mothers see daughters as competitors, which explains the put-downs. She has to be better than you.

His life is not your problem. You're being coerced into being this man's life support and that isn't ok. He isn't a partner, he is a leech.

He isn't happy with his life and it is up to him to either improve it or.

I kind of view relationships now as what's the point in them. On relying on someone else to love you enough to not let you down In harmful ways.

This is going to sound really cringe, but the only relationship that really matters is the one you have with yourself. You have to learn to be able to rely on yourself to love yourself enough to not let you down in harmful ways (e.g. taking spiteful comments to heart, sacrificing your welfare by putting someone else's unreasonable demands first).

Some men are definitely on the lookout for the best available model female to hang on their arm. But there are plenty of nice men who are looking for a good relationship. My DH would certainly not have chosen me if he was going on looks! And I know he'd never swap me for anyone. 💗

But I lived alone for a few years before I met him. I'd just had enough of being exploited and run down by shithead blokes, and decided to build my own happiness that no one else could spoil. That worked really well. I can honestly say that by the time I met DH, I was perfectly contented. That's why it came as such as a surprise, meeting someone who genuinely improved the quality of my life instead of throwing a spanner in the works.

This is always worth a read (and a re-read) 😊

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

The Mother Wound is an interesting read. Lots online about it, including:

www.attachmentproject.com/psychology/mother-wound/

I got a call from him an hour ago of anorher number. He was delusional and seeing things. I called an ambulance. The mental health nurse rang him and because she did that he told her he didn't need an ambulance and she cancelled it. So no help is coming for him again and he's in crisis. I'm not getting involved anymore. I've passed him onto them enough times now for nothing to be done.

He's not really having a MH crisis. It's just another tactic to try and reel you in.

I'd bet my house on it, honestly.

I keep passing him to professionals. He was saying there were people watching him in the house opposite. He did this in June for a week. Thought I was being kidnapped and allsorts. He needs help from a professional regardless at this stage. It isn't normal at all.

You are very brave to write down and share anything. So feel free to share anything about your life, including your mum.
I had just turned 40 when my mum passed away. She was a lovely lady but was a bit obsessed that I was single at 40. She even tried to ‘pair’ me up with a doctor in her hospice. (He was gay, by the way!)
’Take your glasses off Peggy it’s Dr. Jones on this morning. You look so much better without them!’
It became a standing joke but not that funny for me.
My dad then used to joke in a similar fashion.
This is the only life lesson I have - I spent so much time trying to please them, but when they had gone I realised what an absolute bloody waste it all was.
If you had a daughter, would you want her to stay with an addict just so that she could have a partner?
Of course you wouldn’t!
There is a whole life out there for you, OP. You need a lot of time to heal, to get to know yourself as you are now, to spend resources and time and care on you.
Meeting a man doesn’t make you complete - there are lots of women on here in absolute turmoil who are coupled up, and lots of women living very happily without the turmoil.
You are skilled, caring and bright. You have a lot of love to give.
Give it to yourself first. And there are no failures in life, just experiences. None at all. You just go through things, and when you can, learn from them.
It is hard as women who have been brought up to please - oh yes, Peggy has a wonderful career, and a marvellous husband and two beautiful children.
Well Peggy never managed it through a series of remarkable messes which if I recounted, you probably wouldn’t believe me.
But I did learn from the messes eventually, met someone and got married closer to 50, but I know it’s not who I am.
It’s the only wisdom I have, if I have any at all. You weren’t born just to serve other people’s wishes…. you gotta learn to wish for yourself!

Would changing your phone number be an option? And don’t give it to anyone associated with him.

There is nothing you can do to help him now, you need to help yourself.

It’s not your circus, not your monkeys. His dramas, his choices. If he doesn’t want an ambulance then he isn’t that worried, he just wants to worry YOU enough that you’ll relent and go round there to bring him money and tobacco or whatever.