Work collegue feels like she's stalking me

[Mangopineapplejam]

I'm 36 female with 2 children. Live on my own.started working a year ago at a job I love. There's a 24 year that doesn't seem quite right to me and her behavior is starting to stress me out. She lives at home still. Full house of 6 siblings. Some are autistic. I dont know if she is although she's never said she is..but she has absolutely no idea about boundaries.

She seemed harmless but slightly too friendly when I first started. Waiting outside the cubicle on my first shift when I went for a wee made me feel awkward. I gave her my number and she added me on Facebook. Then the daily WhatsApp messages began. 3 or 4 or 5 times a day. You OK? You OK? You OK? I would reply yes are you? To Then get back everytime yes I'm tired though.

Then she began ringing me all the time. I ignored 90% of her calls as I was too busy. But to manage her I'd answer sometimes and she would just talk about work and tell me what she had done etc. This was boring and eating into my days off. She'd see me online and message. Then if I replied she'd begin ringing. I'd be cooking etc so ignored her or told her I was doing xyz.

Luckily I've swapped shifts and not working with her now. But she upped the stalking. She started messaging me saying I was ignoring her. So I thought I was clear turning off My last seen on WhatsApp. She's messaged me today asking if I've turned my status off on WhatsApp. So that's proof she's watching me going on and offline.

I lied and said it was because of a man I've had an off on thing with. She then started she has given my opinion on all that and what now. I replied nothing to report I'm fine.

She won't leave me alone. I'm simmering with anger that someone is stalking me and thinks they have the right to constantly harass me.

I go on to message people I enjoy talking to and she catches me. I have nothing in common with her. She does not understand parenting or running a home. She is just too much. Idont know what to do. I feel like crying because she thinks this Is acceptable. I dont want work to be uncomfortable

Have you told her to stop? Explicitly, not just hints?

Don't respond at all. Ever. She'll move on.

If she asks you in person just say you're too busy for a friendship

Yes, ask her to stop. Then block. I think you also need to tell HR that she has been contacting you in an appropriate way.

I think you need to tell her directly. I am very busy and don’t have time for messaging/ chatting. Or you could say happy to chat once a week.

I would tell to stop and then block.

If she's still hassling you then speak to your manager.

You're being way too nice about this and she's not taking the hint.

Same as others have said - you need to tell her explicitly. She may well be autistic (especially if it's in her family) and if so, may be struggling to understand boundaries

"Look Laura, I joined [company name] to work, not to find a new best friend. My life is busy and I don't feel we have that much in common as we're at different life stages. Please respect my boundaries and stop messaging and calling me."

If she doesn't stop then talk to your HR dept.

Well she's not said anything weird or been too clingy really so you need to stop lying to her or bringing up fake men/info about your life as she may think you're closer than you are now.

I'd just mute her convo and only open it once per week or something, really crap replies and hope she will pull away.
If she asks then just say something vague as above "I'm just not on my phone/ don't have the time with a busy house and Xmas soon, you know what it's like, ha ha" breezy smile and exit fast

Tbf you had the perfect opportunity when she started asking if you were ignoring her to tell her you aren't on your phone much and are too busy for chatting or friendships nowadays.

There was a girl like this I went to college with in my 20s I had a family too. She had suffered with mental health issues and I befriended her but there were no boundaries in that if she was having a bad day night she'd message constantly if I didn't reply in 5 minutes she'd start calling it got to a point where she was calling me in the middle of the night. I ended up telling her she had to stop calling me in the night she didn't take it too well. I explained that I had a family I had to study and need rest and time. Half the time there was nothing to say it was drama and attention she wanted it seems. Anyway it continued and in the end I blocked her and told her straight I'm sorry but I had to put myself and my family first and to leave me alone I could no longer be friends. I felt terrible because I knew she wasn't 100% but she was completely ruling my life. I remember one night she came knocking at 2 am. She had family other friends but I think I was possibly too kind and understanding at the beginning looking back and so it wasn't her fault. But I had to cut her off for my own sanity. Tell her straight to stop bombarding you with messages your a colleague and it's no longer appropriate.

FGS OP you say you are furious, feel like crying, you're being stalked...yet at no point have you actually used your words and told this girl to leave you alone. You have even said you suspect she may be autistic and therefore not get your (total lack of) hints. Why on earth invent a man and make it look like you're confiding in her when she actually asked if you were ignoring her - there was your opportunity on a platter! "Yes, I haven't wanted to talk as honestly I'm too busy for another friend, I'm sorry but I don't have time to talk to you".

You are doing this girl no favours by not being honest with her and honestly I don't think you have the right to be upset with her for not being a mind reader.

Put your big girl pants on and tell her you don't have time for another friendship, you don't have time to talk or message and then block her.

Unfortunately you've rewarded the behaviour - she knows if she keeps trying you'll message back or pick up the phone eventually.

Why lie and say you've turned off your status because of a man, if she's the reason? By saying that, you're giving her the impression you're confiding your troubles in her = creating the impression of closeness.

Just say "sorry, I don't feel like we've got a lot in common and I don't want to continue this level of contact with you, so bye, all the best" or something. And block if she doesn't take it on the chin.

Some very good advice on this thread.

Come off all social media / What's App phone connection, don't answer, block.

We can't know but everything you say suggests she is autistic and probably trying to do what she thinks is necessary to have a friendship.

You being polite, being nice, being accommodating is not helping.

You're angry and scared, and that's no way to live.

Don't drop hints or make stuff up.

Just tell her you don't want to be in contact with her outside work.

And ensure your line manager and HR know what's been happening, that you don't want to associate with her too much, and that you've told her to stop, just in case anything should happen.

Uh oh this is only going to get worse.

Block and tell her in no uncertain terms to f*ck off when she asks you why at work.

If it continues, contact HR and the police.

You need to log all these interactions and keep a record. First port of call, tell her to stop. After that....HR if it doesn't and do it swiftly. It sounds like it's gotten way too far already

This dropping hints crap is just ridiculous. I'm sick of it. Why can't people just be honest.

You can say kindly ' I need you to stop doing x, y,z. It's very overwhelming for me to be contacted repeatedly like this. Please can you stop calling repeatedly. I have no time for friendships outside of work at the moment unfortunately'.

I believe she is Autistic based on the strong family history and theres a significant issue with boundaries and self awareness. If that's not the case it still doesn't matter. You're saying it as it is if you're just honest.

People need to learn to speak their truth instead of hints, subliminal messaging bollocks. You've come on here complaining she's a stalker but can't even tell her to stop. Sort it out. I don't know why this has annoyed me but it has.

Ok why are you pussy footing around this?

Just block her and tell her nicely to stop messaging you...

ND is a spectrum and I'm ND. But I would easily know you weren't interested. It's obvious to me but I don't message like that either.

However, some ND people are very literal and you have to be direct. Just be brave and put an end to this.

@Tittat50 this with bells on. @Mangopineapplejam No need for dramatic flouncing or blocking. Just tell her that she’s a work colleague and that you’d like to keep your relationship professional and work based.

This doesn’t feel like stalking to me, but it does feel slightly harrassy tbh.

I would just be upfront & direct and explain clearly that you’d like to communicate less outside of work and you’d like to keep your relationship professional.

It sounds like she’s lonely, and trying to engage in a friendship with you. I guess it’s not the right way to go about it, but maybe she hasn’t got good social skills, and certainly not good boundaries. As others have said, she may well be on the autistic spectrum.

Next time don't give out your number or add work colleagues on FB until you know them better, if at all.

block on FB then text and say something about you needing her to stop contacting you outside of work and to only contact you through your company email address.

I would also tell HR in case she gets angry

Slowly cut contact - so two messages a day, then only one, then alternate days, then twice a week,

Alternatively don’t answer any calls and stop messaging but text her one last time to say you’re very busy at the moment and quite overwhelmed with all the texts so will stop texting for now.

You haven't been clear enough.

"X I'm sorry but I don't have the time to speak as often as you would like. Or to commit to a friendship at this point. Please stop contacting me"

Then if it doesn't stop you need to block her.

Goodness me it sounds like she is lonely and you've been nice to her.
I would gradually respond less.Try that and hopefully no need to demonize her.
Ok standing outside the loo cubicle is odd .
The rest just sounds like she looks up to you.