Work collegue feels like she's stalking me

[Mangopineapplejam]

I'm 36 female with 2 children. Live on my own.started working a year ago at a job I love. There's a 24 year that doesn't seem quite right to me and her behavior is starting to stress me out. She lives at home still. Full house of 6 siblings. Some are autistic. I dont know if she is although she's never said she is..but she has absolutely no idea about boundaries.

She seemed harmless but slightly too friendly when I first started. Waiting outside the cubicle on my first shift when I went for a wee made me feel awkward. I gave her my number and she added me on Facebook. Then the daily WhatsApp messages began. 3 or 4 or 5 times a day. You OK? You OK? You OK? I would reply yes are you? To Then get back everytime yes I'm tired though.

Then she began ringing me all the time. I ignored 90% of her calls as I was too busy. But to manage her I'd answer sometimes and she would just talk about work and tell me what she had done etc. This was boring and eating into my days off. She'd see me online and message. Then if I replied she'd begin ringing. I'd be cooking etc so ignored her or told her I was doing xyz.

Luckily I've swapped shifts and not working with her now. But she upped the stalking. She started messaging me saying I was ignoring her. So I thought I was clear turning off My last seen on WhatsApp. She's messaged me today asking if I've turned my status off on WhatsApp. So that's proof she's watching me going on and offline.

I lied and said it was because of a man I've had an off on thing with. She then started she has given my opinion on all that and what now. I replied nothing to report I'm fine.

She won't leave me alone. I'm simmering with anger that someone is stalking me and thinks they have the right to constantly harass me.

I go on to message people I enjoy talking to and she catches me. I have nothing in common with her. She does not understand parenting or running a home. She is just too much. Idont know what to do. I feel like crying because she thinks this Is acceptable. I dont want work to be uncomfortable

This is really difficult as I can see you don't want to upset her with the cold hard truth.

Unfortunately it's the only way to go, just tell her you are too busy with the kids, life and work for a friendship.

FFS you're making this big drama - Oh, this woman's stalkingnme

But you've never put boundaries in place regarding contact, in fact the message she's receiving is probably its OK to contact you

• you always eventually respond
• you tell her about fake boyfriends
• you have contact via personal social media

People who do not want to be friends outside work don't do any of these things.

Speak to her
Put in place clear boundaries
Remove her from all personal SM

I agree with all the comments to saying you need to be clear and polite. I'd message something like, "I don't want to talk or message you outside of work anymore. This is because I find it overwhelming. Please stop sending me messages."
Take it to HR if it's still a problem after that.

Only on mumsnet do I see people who are clueless about communicating with anybody neurodiverse people.

1. it's pretty obvious that it's highly likely that she is neurodiverse. So plan your interactions with her accordingly - by which I mean be clear and direct without being unkind. Whether she is or isn't autistic, clear and direct communication is the most likely to be effective thing in this scenario, and you absolutely do not need to be mean with it.

2. Tell her that she is contacting you more frequently than you can cope with. Tell her how often you CAN cope with messages (and expect her to contact you exactly that often). Tell her that you don't like her standing outside of your cubicle, and ask her to please not do that. Tell her that you <insert mild platitude, like enjoy exchanging pleasantries with her at the office> but that you are too busy with your children to keep in contact outside of work.
   Think carefully and thoroughly about your choice of wording and the outcome that you want.

@ThatAgileGoldMoose
excellent advice! Well put 👍

👏🏼

I know the feeling. I went no contact. She still tries to call me on a withheld number. I know it’s her because she’s repeating the behaviour she did to others who also had enough of her.

Agree because if this continues and you have to contact the police you have to make it clear you don't want her contacting you. I know it's hard feeling like your going to hurt feelings but you need to try stop her yourself. Then if she contacts you again after you make it very clear not to, contact the police and log it this could escalate.

This is what I would do.

Sounds as if she’s on the spectrum and is lonely.
You have to be direct if you want this to stop as harsh as it may seem.

This is part of the puzzlement when a co worker does add you, and you ask if it's ok to text etc but then even if you match the rate of responding and still get silence after a while its then puzzling as to what the true reasons are for the quietness etc

Just tell her.
Sounds like your boundaries aren’t great either - don’t give your number and FB to new aquaintances. People at work aren’t your friends - they can become them but not by default x

Tell her to stop contacting you. If she doesn’t, block her. If she keeps on harassing you, have a word with your line manager.

Standing outside your cubicle in the lavatories is just plain weird. It’s harassment.

You need to treat her like grown-us that you are both meant to be and just tell her stop the immature game playing

Is it 'Sent from my iPhone' Martha?

Here’s an idea of a message to send. The important bit is mentioning that this behaviour feels inappropriate as a colleague. She might already have been in trouble with HR before if this is repeat behaviour so it could make her back off more quickly, but if not, your next step will be to talk to them so at least you’ve warned her that’s how you feel.

“Thanks for making me feel welcome at my new job. I appreciate how friendly you are but this friendship has become too intense for me. My focus is my family and I don’t tend to message my friends more than about once per week. The amount of texting and calling from you is stressful for me and as a colleague, it feels a bit inappropriate. Please can you give me a bit of space and reduce contact to more like a text per week with major updates?”

If you want to stop communicating why tell her a made up story of a man messaging you too much? Seems odd. Just be honest, she deserves that and so do you.

It sounds like she is socially awkward which may be a sign she is neurodiverse - I will be transparent about your feelings in a polite way.

It sounds like she wants to be friends but doesn't really low how to go about it. Many autistic people don't pick up on social rules and need to be specifically taught about expectations. I can see that it's probably pretty irritating but please try to be kind, I expect she would be mortified if she thinks she's upset you.

You need boundaries

tell her to not ring outside work and to not message you so frequently unless it’s about work.

its strange you haven’t told her to stop.

Agree and you could get HR involved

I agree: you don't have to enter into details of not wanting to be her friend, etc. Just say you are off outside of work, and then avoid your contact with her while at work.
I would also be in contact with HR, just in case she decides to flip the narrative.
Stalking is no joke. I'm sorry you're goig through this and hope you come out of it soon 💐

I had a very very similar experience with a colleague.

Texting and calling me constantly outside of work and double messaging if I ignored her. I was newer to the role than her so I stupidly thought I had to answer and chat to her because I thought everyone else liked her and this was the work culture. It turned out though, she had been doing this to lots of other people and many of them complained. So your colleague may well be harassing others.

you absolutely have to be explicit, there are so many social cues she hasn’t picked up this far so she’s not going to get subtle hints to leave her alone. Also, if she has been doing this behaviour her whole life, she will have had people cut her off before or tell her to stop contacting them so you won’t be the first one.

I think it sounds more than autism though, I suspected my colleague had a personality disorder, she had other symptoms of this though.

Good. Concise, simple and to the point. But polite also.

I had exactly this with another mum.on the school run. The only thing that stopped her was when she found a new friend/victim. It's so weirdly violating isn't it? Like they feel entitled to your free time.