Work collegue feels like she's stalking me

[Mangopineapplejam]

I'm 36 female with 2 children. Live on my own.started working a year ago at a job I love. There's a 24 year that doesn't seem quite right to me and her behavior is starting to stress me out. She lives at home still. Full house of 6 siblings. Some are autistic. I dont know if she is although she's never said she is..but she has absolutely no idea about boundaries.

She seemed harmless but slightly too friendly when I first started. Waiting outside the cubicle on my first shift when I went for a wee made me feel awkward. I gave her my number and she added me on Facebook. Then the daily WhatsApp messages began. 3 or 4 or 5 times a day. You OK? You OK? You OK? I would reply yes are you? To Then get back everytime yes I'm tired though.

Then she began ringing me all the time. I ignored 90% of her calls as I was too busy. But to manage her I'd answer sometimes and she would just talk about work and tell me what she had done etc. This was boring and eating into my days off. She'd see me online and message. Then if I replied she'd begin ringing. I'd be cooking etc so ignored her or told her I was doing xyz.

Luckily I've swapped shifts and not working with her now. But she upped the stalking. She started messaging me saying I was ignoring her. So I thought I was clear turning off My last seen on WhatsApp. She's messaged me today asking if I've turned my status off on WhatsApp. So that's proof she's watching me going on and offline.

I lied and said it was because of a man I've had an off on thing with. She then started she has given my opinion on all that and what now. I replied nothing to report I'm fine.

She won't leave me alone. I'm simmering with anger that someone is stalking me and thinks they have the right to constantly harass me.

I go on to message people I enjoy talking to and she catches me. I have nothing in common with her. She does not understand parenting or running a home. She is just too much. Idont know what to do. I feel like crying because she thinks this Is acceptable. I dont want work to be uncomfortable

for me, if i sent a text and they took days to respond then i would leave it a few days before sending the next one or id just do a have a weekend text and then add any chat items from the week as needed so then it keeps texts to a min

however when a person does make the effort to ask for permission to text then both parties need to agree on boundaries and what's acceptable text wise etc otherwise you get situations as the op has where it is too many texts etc

I wouldn't go to HR - you can be clear and not unkind:

Hi X, I am getting in touch to ask you to please stop messaging and calling me. I am sorry if I gave a different impression but I already have a very busy life and need to protect my time better, for example I feel like I don’t have enough time to respond to you. When I'm at work I prefer to just get on with my job and not engage with colleagues outside working hours. Just so you know, I think it's best if we're no longer connected on Facebook and I won't be able to text or take calls from you outside work from now on. I didn't intend to hurt your feelings or make you feel ignored but I just can't give the time to the sort of friendship you seem to want so it's best if you don't contact me any more. Best of luck with everything.

Then block her number, and unfriend her.

I don’t understand why are you lying to her then complaining about why she keeps contacting you. Hey Jane i prefer to unplug from work don’t want to chat/message colleagues outside of office. Then I friend her and block her. If you see her in work, polite and friendly but keep it brief, back to work. If she oversteps beyond this speak to a manager

Absolutely this.

I have had this a couple of times with neurodiverse people, I never had to do anything extreme. One was before internet was common so it was many handwritten letters. When I moved away it stopped.

Another is probably still ongoing, she messages me occasionally. I am very busy so don't have so much time for her but I recognise this is a fragile person who needs empathy/love/care.

With the second person she had a terrible relationship with her mother as well as being neurodiverse so I think she was just looking for love and acceptance. Her relationship with her mother has improved recently fortunately so thats prob why I am not hearing from her.

You just have to be very direct but kind at the same time.

I appreciate your messages, but I’m very busy right now and can’t maintain regular contact. It’s best if we don’t stay in touch moving forward. Take care!

Keep it friendly, but firm. She probably doesn't understand boundaries so you need to make it clear

A few years ago, my New Year’s resolution was to be less friendly to people, as I had ended up with too many “hanger-ons” in my life that I didn’t actually have much in common with

Emily, please stop contacting me. I find your constant calls and messages oppressive and inappropriate and I don't want any further contact. Goodbye.

No, this isn't clear. This leaves the door open to her. Shut and bolt it!

Agree with others. You need to be direct and say that you don't want to be contacted at all hours of the day, but you are happy to have a quick chat at work (and it sounds like you don't have the same shifts now so that won't happen).
this sort of thing would drive me bonkers and I'd be blocking them on FB and on WhatsApp if they didn't stop after I had told them to.
Yes, some autistic people don't pick up on social cues, but this seems more than that.

Put her on mute. Then when you do see her messages reply very blandly with no invitation to start up a conversation. Ignore most of her messages.
I was on the Peanut app, got talking to a younger woman in America. I think she wanted life advice and someone to chat to but as soon as I gave her my number she started what you're describing. Going into detail about bad things that had happened to her and that she's suicidal. I talked to her for a while and tried to help but eventually I had to block her as it was draining me and I didn't know what to say. I've got 4 kids and didn't have time to be someone's 24/7 helpline. I don't think she ever asked me one question about myself and would often message and try to call early hours of the morning. All this from someone I don't know and will never meet.
It's more difficult if you work with her though. If after ignoring her you think she's still harassing you, you could talk to your manager?

That is not stalking and is an insult to actual victims of stalking. You say she doesn't understand boundaries, every one has different boundaries. You should have been clear with her about what your boundaries are but instead you ignored her and made up some fake story about the reason for ignoring her. If she is autistic, which it sounds like she very well could be, she isn't going to read between the lines and realise you don't want to be friends. Just be straight up and tell her that clearly. You should do the same for anyone regardless of any potential disability instead of assume they are mind readers

This is totally unacceptable OP and no wonder you feel stressed out by it, I would too. It's happened to me and it's awful.

Her being potentially ND or not is a red herring and really has no bearing on how stressful this is for you. It explains why she might struggle with understanding acceptable social boundaries (or it might not - her behaviour could be intentional).

Agree with PPs who have said your first port of call is to tell her she is making you feel uncomfortable, you don't want this level of contact AND you want her to stop contacting you. Do this across all platforms (written on messenger, whatsapp, verbally, face to face - every place she is contacting you). Then block.

Keep a record. Tell your line manager and HR. If it continues after, log a report with police.

Take care of yourself and your children. You don't need this shit.

You have made this into a a bit of a drama really.

Let it go on this long and becoming more and more uncomfortable with by it but at no point actually spoken to this woman and asked her to stop. You say she doesn’t understand boundaries - you haven’t given her any.

Just speak to her like an adult - explain you aren’t looking for a new friend as you are busy and that you want her to stop calling and messaging her as you won’t be able to reply.

Then don’t respond to her again.

Well it's not a red herring in terms of how to handle it - as clearly and directly as possible, no nuance, no expectation of reading between the lines.
The OP half responds at the moment, leaving the door open.
HR won't care unless the OP actually does something!

Your boundaries are terrible, at every stage I'm left thinking "why did she do that?"

You need to be clear instead of lying, evading, or rewarding.

Block her from your phone and whatsapp, and just say in person when she asks, you're feeling overwhelmed and need some space. She likes you and is already feeling hurt because your behaviour has been giving mixed messages.

OP, take a stepwise approach. HR are not an appropriate first step.

Firstly say 'Lucy, it's not personal but I'm really not someone who has the time or energy for such regular phone calls or texts. I find these quite draining to be honest as I have so much on with work and the kids. No hard feelings, but please can I ask that you stop contacting me outside work unless it's urgent?'.

If she continues block her contacts.

If she starts bothering you via other channels, then HR or her LM but you've not been clear. You're an adult and have given somewhat mixed messages. Don't get her in trouble for not reading cues. Be clear.

And it's definitely not stalking. If it was, stalking/ harassment via the phone this way, the police would want to know whether you'd made it clear that you didn't want to be contacted. You haven't (not suggesting this is a police matter but the OP has used the term 'stalking').

Tell her a version of the truth - that you are not the kind of person who enjoys texting and chatting on the phone all day long. You are way too busy and you have other priorities. Say that she seems to want far more interaction that you are prepared to give and that you are having a phone and screen purge for a while so wanted to give her notice that you won't be answering her messages or phone calls any more.

If she is autistic you might need to be very clear. I had an autistic student once who was a lovely young man but just didn't pick up on cues. He actually followed me into a toilet cubicle once, talking passionately about his obsession. I had to say very firmly: 'this is the Ladies and you are in my cubicle - that is completely inappropriate, leave right now!' He wasn't aware. Your woman waiting outside the loo for you reminds me of that. No instinct for other people's boundaries.

I'd be tempted to just message her and tell her you're incredibly busy and when not working your time is for your kids. Make it clear that you don't appreciate anyone monitoring your free time or questioning your message reactions. Tell her very clearly that as a working single Mother you don't have time for friendships that come with expectations, wish her well and block her.

I'd be tempted to follow up with an email to a manager, just so there is a trail of what has gone down so far and why you've felt the need to take action. That way any ramping of behaviour in or out of work can be added to.

She sounds lonely and in need of someone to take her under their wing BUT that's not a reason to be so pushy and demanding of you.

You have enough on your plate, OP. Put a stop to this now.

I don’t know her name, but so I’m just going to make one up :

Hey Kim,

Im not comfortable with the level of contact from you. I’m a busy mother and I have a personal life outside of work and I prefer to keep my private and work life separate. Please stop calling me and please stop texting me.

I appreciate your work friendship, but we’re on different shifts now. Keep yourself well and take care. See you around at work.

Then leave it at that. Remove her from social media and make your profile private.

If she continues with the phone calls and messages after you’ve told her clearly then you need to speak to your line manager.

If she is autistic, you need to set firm boundaries not drop hints. I find people with autism (my son is autistic) take most things literally. So if you've ever said something like "message anytime if you need to talk" she will take that literally and message whenever she needs to talk. You don't have to be horrible, just firm and explain you don't have time to message all the time. If she's not autistic she is a boundary pusher and still needs to be told firmly to stop

I think this message is good. Its truthful but not unkind and it says very clearly what it is that you are finding too much. You could add pp's phrases about need to focus on your work at work and your two children keep you too busy.

You say that you don't want to make it uncomfortable at work, but it already is. and it will get worse if you don't do something.

She won't like it, but you don't like the way she's treating you. She's ignoring all your hints. This is making you stressed and exhausted.. you need to prioritise your own health and sanity because you are the sole carer of your DC.

Too many mixed messages.

Why give out number if she preferred to keep work and home separate? Why say 'i appreciate your friendship ' and 'you make me uncomfortable ' in the same message? Is it because of the kids or because of Kim's behaviour?

Not being rude to you personally @phee
just pointing out how it's easier to keep it simple.

FFS typo in tag there, sorry!