Work collegue feels like she's stalking me

[Mangopineapplejam]

I'm 36 female with 2 children. Live on my own.started working a year ago at a job I love. There's a 24 year that doesn't seem quite right to me and her behavior is starting to stress me out. She lives at home still. Full house of 6 siblings. Some are autistic. I dont know if she is although she's never said she is..but she has absolutely no idea about boundaries.

She seemed harmless but slightly too friendly when I first started. Waiting outside the cubicle on my first shift when I went for a wee made me feel awkward. I gave her my number and she added me on Facebook. Then the daily WhatsApp messages began. 3 or 4 or 5 times a day. You OK? You OK? You OK? I would reply yes are you? To Then get back everytime yes I'm tired though.

Then she began ringing me all the time. I ignored 90% of her calls as I was too busy. But to manage her I'd answer sometimes and she would just talk about work and tell me what she had done etc. This was boring and eating into my days off. She'd see me online and message. Then if I replied she'd begin ringing. I'd be cooking etc so ignored her or told her I was doing xyz.

Luckily I've swapped shifts and not working with her now. But she upped the stalking. She started messaging me saying I was ignoring her. So I thought I was clear turning off My last seen on WhatsApp. She's messaged me today asking if I've turned my status off on WhatsApp. So that's proof she's watching me going on and offline.

I lied and said it was because of a man I've had an off on thing with. She then started she has given my opinion on all that and what now. I replied nothing to report I'm fine.

She won't leave me alone. I'm simmering with anger that someone is stalking me and thinks they have the right to constantly harass me.

I go on to message people I enjoy talking to and she catches me. I have nothing in common with her. She does not understand parenting or running a home. She is just too much. Idont know what to do. I feel like crying because she thinks this Is acceptable. I dont want work to be uncomfortable

Yeah unfortunately it has to be that way if it goes to the HR level.

on one hand it’s saying don’t contact me privately and the other is saying we can be friendly at work.

It could be seen as the OP creating a hostile work environment where they aren’t approachable which could get them in equal trouble.

“Kim” the stalker will escalate which is why further contact should be discussed with the manager. Then the company policies will sort the rest.

OP would be seen as drawing a boundary on personal contact and professionalism.

I see where you're coming from but it's obfuscatory and not true, she doesn't really know her so doesn't value her friendship plus doesn't owe her friendship. I'd say best stick to something along the lines of 'kindly stop contacting me outside work, I'm too busy to manage the constant messages'. It's kind in that it explains why someone wouldn't want that level of contact so she understands but doesn't leave anything unclear about wanting to be friends in work.

I've been in similar situation, thought luckily didn't work with her.
Lack of boundaries was insane. I blocked her on everything. So she got someone else to message me. So I blocked them too. Some people can't take no for an answer

I’m confused, honestly.
You say she added you on Facebook but you must have needed to accept her friend request.
Why did you give some over-friendly random at work your phone number in the first place?
When she started stalking your what’s app activity you had the perfect opportunity to say errrr hang on, I’m not comfortable with this, byeeeeee….but instead you lied, pretended to confide in her about this pretend man drama, thus presumably fuelling her illusion that you’re closer with her than you are and you’re happier talking to her than you are.
And now you’re confused because she’s not getting your (incredibly inconsistent, very confusing) ‘hints’ that you don’t actually want to talk to her?

You need to be clear.

I know why it’s annoyed me- it’s typical of the way so many NT people so often communicate in hints, contradictions, saying one thing but doing another, or doing and saying one thing but secretly thinking the total opposite etc etc but when push comes to shove it’s always ND people who are told they’re the ones who don’t understand boundaries and have communication issues, and cast as the weirdos, but never the NT people who just need to flipping say and do what they mean.

@Sleepybeanbump my son is ND and it's only through this that I realise how utterly ridiculous many of our social norms are. When he couldn't comprehend why we lie and make stuff up sometimes, I just couldn't give him a better answer than ' it's ridiculous I know '.

On the other hand, I do feel there's space for tact and diplomacy in the honesty. I do try do that as much as possible. I appreciate my reply to OP was a little cutting; which isn't always helpful.

It is odd to approach a relationship by mirroring what the other person does.

It is? That's news to me. How do you know how often to message without mimicking the the other person?

'Could you stop messaging me please. I gave you my number for work, not for you to fill my inbox up jenna. Chill'.

why have you not told her not to do it? You know there is autism in her family so if she has traits of ASC she will not get your hints - you have to be explicit.

This in reply to Pinkbonbon's suggested response containing "I gave you my phone number for work". I forgot to press Quote.

I don't give colleagues my personal number. I don't friend them on any socials. I don't use Whatsapp, but if I did, I wouldn't use it for work.

If my employer needs me to communicate with my colleagues, my employer can damn well provision me with a communication toolset with which to do so. Work Whatsapp groups are a legal liability because of the risk of them being used for bullying and because, if your employer is telling you to use Whatsapp for work purposes, they almost certainly haven't got a written contract and data sharing agreement with Whatsapp and so are breaching GDPR.

There is no need for you to give a colleague a personal phone number and refraining from doing so is a great way to establish and maintain boundaries at work.

It's called protecting someone's feelings. The majority of people will take a hint. Yes it may well backfire. But I would prefer to take the kind rather than cruel approach.

It's not kind to give mixed messages.

The kindest thing would be to be clear, especially if she is ND. Tiptoeing and hinting and minimising is not helpful.

'Hello X,

I've noticed you're calling / texting / messaging me a lot.

I'm happy to chat at work, if I'm free, but I don't want to receive any more messages, especially not outside work hours.

Please stop doing it.

Have a nice evening, see you at work'

You dont have to be cruel to be honest. A lot of people over compensate and do get to the point where it is mean, but being upfront can be done nicely. Easier to do it in person though, as tone can be misunderstood in writing .