Work collegue feels like she's stalking me

[Mangopineapplejam]

I'm 36 female with 2 children. Live on my own.started working a year ago at a job I love. There's a 24 year that doesn't seem quite right to me and her behavior is starting to stress me out. She lives at home still. Full house of 6 siblings. Some are autistic. I dont know if she is although she's never said she is..but she has absolutely no idea about boundaries.

She seemed harmless but slightly too friendly when I first started. Waiting outside the cubicle on my first shift when I went for a wee made me feel awkward. I gave her my number and she added me on Facebook. Then the daily WhatsApp messages began. 3 or 4 or 5 times a day. You OK? You OK? You OK? I would reply yes are you? To Then get back everytime yes I'm tired though.

Then she began ringing me all the time. I ignored 90% of her calls as I was too busy. But to manage her I'd answer sometimes and she would just talk about work and tell me what she had done etc. This was boring and eating into my days off. She'd see me online and message. Then if I replied she'd begin ringing. I'd be cooking etc so ignored her or told her I was doing xyz.

Luckily I've swapped shifts and not working with her now. But she upped the stalking. She started messaging me saying I was ignoring her. So I thought I was clear turning off My last seen on WhatsApp. She's messaged me today asking if I've turned my status off on WhatsApp. So that's proof she's watching me going on and offline.

I lied and said it was because of a man I've had an off on thing with. She then started she has given my opinion on all that and what now. I replied nothing to report I'm fine.

She won't leave me alone. I'm simmering with anger that someone is stalking me and thinks they have the right to constantly harass me.

I go on to message people I enjoy talking to and she catches me. I have nothing in common with her. She does not understand parenting or running a home. She is just too much. Idont know what to do. I feel like crying because she thinks this Is acceptable. I dont want work to be uncomfortable

Some people who are ND, need to be spoken to in a direct manner. I don't mean being rude, but direct in a way that your meaning is crystal clear. Considering her family history, I'd say that this young woman is ND herself. She doesn't have self-awareness or understand boundaries, and can't read others intentions through body language etc. In this instance, you need to be direct with her. She may be mortified, and be upset, but ultimately just hinting isn't helping her and most definitely not you.

She is likely to be autistic if all her siblings are. Subtle hints will not work here, she is unable to recognise appropriate boundaries and actions.
Tell her that she is not to keep bothering you and if she continues to do so this will jeopardise any friendship she had with you.
If she continues, block her.

Gosh this is full on.

I would tell HR to let them know the situation. Ask them for a steer. It is relevant to them that this is how she’s behaving towards a colleague. It could actually be extremely helpful for her in future to understand that this is not okay in the workplace or in fact in any sphere.

I do think you will have to be direct either by text or in person. Clearly she’s not able to read the social signals and they may have got a bit cloudy in your efforts not to offend. You are going to have to weather a bit of discomfort in the process of calling out her behaviour.

It is not up to you to come off all social media or whatever as some posters have suggested. She is the one behaving inappropriately.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I had my own difficult work situation many years ago and it still makes me cringe. Let us know how you deal with things so we can give you support along the way.

Hi OP, I think you need to work on your boundaries. You got yourself to the point where this girl affects your life to the point you are crying and feel stalked, but you never seem to have talked to their or tried to explain to her you dont like this. The girl well could be autistic and not aware she is doing something harmful. You need to speak to her first and tell her, gently, to stop messaging and calling you as its too much - it makes you feel uncomfortable. Be polite but firm. If she responds, fine. If not, block her and then report to your HR.

I'm not anti-HR involvement if needed but depending on the HR dept culture or individual HR person in question they may start with being punitive, which would be overly harsh at this point given that OP has yet to be clear and direct with the person in question, and that we also suspect that they may be being ND not naughty.

OP is a grown up and as such it would be really nice if she communicated a clear request for cessation of behaviour before escalating to HR.

I had this with a bloke I'd met in a pub. It was constant. I tried being polite at first then I had to do something I first told him to stop, he didn't, i then blocked him on everything and he still made his way through. I then told him I had records of everything and I would go to the police if he didn't stop he then made out like I was being dramatic and still didn't stop. So I ended up deleting all social media and it finally stopped. It's honestly one of the most horrible things, everytime your phone goes of you physically feel it, and you start to feel so paranoid and unsafe

Please don't "go to HR" or "report to HR" as a first / early step. They're not playground monitors, nor do they want to mediate between 2 people who on the face of it appear to be friends.

You've been giving her mixed messages (confiding in her about a made-up man?) Start with telling her very clearly to stop. There are lots of great suggestions above. If she persists, block her number and block her on social media.

If she tries to get around being blocked, then you're into harassment territory. You should have a policy at work that covers it (harassment, or dignity at work, or similar). You can make a formal complaint. That's something HR can actually assist with.

This but slightly more formal.

no please

• I am asking you to stop x y z with immediate effect. Do not contact me on social media or via my personal phone or about non work related queries or out of office hours.

Do not discuss your personal friendships or the time you have out of work.

if she continues copy and paste the above message again and then to HR.

I once had a work colleague who was lonely and wanted to meet up out of work which I did once or twice but then she was overwhelmed with dumping her personal life shit on me and texts were every night. I did the above, she moved to coming in early and then wanting to talk for an hour before work - I ended up having to say I’m coming in at 7.30 to do work before work as I have children and don’t want to stay late - so I will not be talking to you in the mornings before we starts I’m doing work.

every time she talked about her mental health or marriage I passed it to HR

I do not understand why you would allow yourself to get stressed, just block her number! If she asked why at work just say you found her overwhelming and leave it at that!

Block her from all your SM, if she asks you why, just tell her she is messaging yu too much,you have hildren who need you and see what she does.

If she kicks off then speak to a manager as she has been stalking and follow the harassment policy. She's not the sharpest tool in the box.

No you do not go to HR for this they are not nanny's dealing with naughty children

Just be clear and tell her. You are busy with your life and family outside of work and don’t have time for messaging or friendships. Tell her you won’t be answering any more messages, and to stop hovering outside your cubicle, it’s overly intense and inappropriate.

If she doesn’t take a telling then by all means involve HR. But it is unfair to involve them before you give her that clear message. She is probably ND herself and not able to pick up on hints. For all of your sakes, be firm and calm and clear.

I’m surprised how many people find it easy to just tell someone straight. I would literally feel so awful and cringy I wouldn’t know what to say I literally couldn’t make my mouth do it. How do you become more like this?

If you haven't explicitly told her to stop calling you, messaging you, or waiting for you in your work space UNLESS IT'S SPECIFICALLY WORK-RELATED, then do so.

If she then doesn't stop, go to HR. Immediately.

I would talk to HR and tell them you are going to block her before you do so if she goes crazy you are protected. Tell them this is at the level of contacting the police if she continues another way once you block her.

Wow, I’d just be so blunt with her. Frankly, nobody has the right to do this to you, regardless of their needs. I wouldn’t feel bad in anyway telling her to do one or you will be going to HR. She’s not your problem, don’t let her do this to you.

A lot of people find it easy on mumsnet…not so much in real life 😊

Did no-one else catch this?
It is odd to approach a relationship by mirroring what the other person does. Just act like yourself. If you are someone who texts too much, then you won't get replies. That should then tell you, the person doesn't want to talk to you that much.
If they never instigate the texting, the likelihood is, they are only replying out of politeness.
Co-workers are professional relationships first. Texting or adding on Facebook shouldn't happen until or unless you are meeting up outside of work, not in work socials, but the two of you. If in your organisation it is the done thing to have a whatsapp group or add on fb, you STILL keep the messaging more professional unless it is VERY clear they are your personal friend outside of work.

It’s harsh to accuse her of “stalking” when you acknowledge she’s likely neurodivergent and you have given her very mixed messages. You gave her your number, added her to your personal social media and have talked to her about your personal life. For people who struggle with understanding social norms and boundaries (through no fault of their own!) this is very confusing behaviour.

You’re not wrong to want to stop contact but please do it kindly and without trying to put shame on her like previous suggestions to go to HR or tell her she is being inappropriate. For neurodivergent people these situations can be excruciatingly humiliating and painful.

Send her one clear message saying “I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this friendship right now and I’m finding it a bit overwhelming so need to go back to just keeping things professional”. Don’t reply to any further message or calls - this helps to keep the message consistent. Make sure all conversation at work is kept to the professional “I’d prefer not to talk about my personal life”, “I’m too busy to chat right now”.

If she still doesn’t take the hint and continues to message you, then it would be appropriate to talk to HR for advice on next steps.

If she is on the spectrum she won't pick up hints. You'll have to tell her to stop and be prepared to go to HR straight away if she doesn't.

Tell me you are neurotypical without telling me you are neurotypical 🙄

This seems obvious to you. However many people who are neurodivergent rely on mirroring behaviour because they don’t understand the unwritten social norms that exist in our society. They also struggle with subtle hints such as “only replying out of politeness” and would assume someone is replying because they WANT to reply.

I am constantly amazed by the number of dilemmas posted on here that just need some simple communication to solve.

TALK to her. Tell her stop all the messaging and checking on you immediately.
Tell her it’s inappropriate and is interfering in your life, and if she doesn’t stop you’ll be forced to talk to HR at work about her behaviour.

You are not in a tricky situation here. You are not trying to salvage a friendship or family situation. This girl is an outsider in your life, so just sort the situation out in a very direct manner.

Well sure @September1013 (except for my ADHD club membership). Mirroring is also a potential sign of several personality disorders.

I was laying it out clearly for the poster as his/her reply was worrying.

I always make a point of not telling any colleagues where I live or details till I suss them out and my FB settings mean I cannot be searched for by randoms. Anyone that asks for details immediately is immediately someone to be wary of.

@LittleMG My time is reserved for those I have genuine affection for or if honest who could be useful to me. plans can always go awry but I always had a life’s plan and time is an incredibly precious commodity and the one thing that can’t be truly bought.