Should expose brothers abuse or keep quiet

[OddTrek38]

I don't know where to start with this or even if I shld share.
Been viewing this site for years but something has clicked today and I need advice.
Will try not to drip feed.
I'm nearly 50, have a wonderful husband and child but am struggling with historical child abuse issues and am drinking way too much to help me forget it.
But I dont forget and am getting worse the older I get.
My brother sexually abused me for years between ages of 8 - 10 and much as I've tried to forget it, its raising its head more the older I get.
Not sure what I'm asking for, has anyone had this and has advice

Reach out and get trauma informed therapy.

Absolutely get the help you need and report them. You should feel no shame, you did nothing wrong and it’s ok to put it right. Sending support your way.

I read an article about this in The Times a while ago. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. There was a study about it, i think it was carried out by the government. This is the link. It has details about getting support also: www.sarsas.org.uk/projects/sibling-sexual-abuse-project/

I have no idea where to reach out to. I hide this shame but its eating me up the older I get.
Harder as Mother has no idea apart from my being no contact with that part of the family.
Feels easy to keep quiet but its killing me

Yes, reach out to a therapist who specialises in sexual abuse and takes a trauma informed approach. I can’t tell you it will be an easy road, but for me, it was incredibly healing to shine the light in on where the darkness had been for so long. Not surprisingly, I lost some people along the way who weren’t ready to face the truth, but I also realised how much support I had from people around me who I wouldn’t have expected. My life is in a much different place. I’m also 19 months sober. That’s also been life changing and very healing. I have absolutely no regrets.

Look for a therapist on the BACP website.

There is also a website called The Second Wound, which is American but may be useful for you.

Does your husband know? Is he aware that you are really struggling at the moment? Please seek some help, don’t worry about other people and what they will think. You need to take of yourself.

@OddTrek38

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.
If you husband doesn't know could yoy start by telling him, or do you have a close friend you could confide in?
Telling someone is the first step.
I agree with other posters that some therapy or counselling would help you. However finding the right one can be difficult so I would start by contacting your local rape crisis centre. They should be able to help you talk through your options.

My husband knows. I had a total melt down in 2018 when my father died and told him.
I try to forget but it consumes me

@OddTrek38 Sending you a virtual hug! That is a big burden to have carried alone for so long. Healing is not anything like as brutal as keeping the secret. I am guessing you feel too ashamed to tell anyone, but there are specialised therapists and they will not shame you, they will strengthen you and help you to heal.
Please search online for help. If you are not sure where to start, your local Women's Shelter will actually know who is a local specialised sexual abuse therapist. It is incredibly common, and mainly a family member.
My sister died recently, the shame and the secret literally became a cancer that destroyed her. It took her 50 years to tell me, though I had guessed due to various signs. You are absolutely not to blame, but you are one of hundreds of thousands, if not millions. Please get help, you are so worth it!! xx

I would start with having counselling.

Youre right that keeping that secret quiet, well hidden from everyone is eating you. But the best way to tell your story might not be to expose your brother etc… It might well trigger various reactions from people aroubd you with many who might not believe you and will chose to believe him. Like it’s unfortunately often the case when it comes to rape/sexual assault.

So I’d start with telling your story in a safe place and a good trauma informed counsellor, one that is used to work with rape survivors.
Then decide of you want to public.
💐💐💐

Thank you all so much, I feel embarrassed by this but emboldened by support.

It is commoner than one would like to think, sadly.

A brother makes it really nasty as there isn't any escape, and he could technically have ''babysat'' for you.

I was abused by a plumber that came to parent's house twice- I was 9yrs old, and parents had left me alone with him, asking that I ''be nice to mr Hull''

I had no idea what was happening, and it was awful.

I didn't ''tell'' as Mr Hull threatened bad things happening.

Parents when I eventually told them {in small detail, in my twenties just testing water} were horrified and tried to dismiss it.

Parents can react very strangely.

Guilt??

Who knows.

But please try to get proper counselling.{Specifically around child abuse as a victim}

I didn't get counselling and regret it.

It's normal to be thinking of it many years later, friends say the same.

Where do I reach out for support?

And how do I continue to hide the hate for him?

Wish I knew...I'd also go.

Someone may suggest somewhere affordable.

I wish there was a way of removing it from one's mind, but this doesn't seem possible.

Tell your mother...

Ironically when I told mine about the plumber, she said ''I thought he was behaving rather strangely when we came back''

It's terribly difficult- as some parents can start accusing the child of lying.

It's an absolute cesspit.

Abusers get away with it.

Don't be surprised if your mother tries to minimise it. {This seems common from speaking with other abused children as adults.}

The emotional scars of disgust and anger definitely linger.

Sorry thatcwas so short. I am a therapist—US—and I was starting a session. What I want to say is that you have a lot—a lifetime—of pain and grief and betrayal within the family to unpack. Its going to take time and you need support. Its a bit easier to work with an outsider who you don’t have to protect or shield from the difficult facts.

Oh god, I’m so, so sorry, I wish I could give you a hug. It got worse for me as I got older too.

I would strongly recommend getting therapy with someone who has a lot of experience in this area before you make any decisions, I can recommend someone if you’d like? You don’t have to see or speak to your brother, you prioritise yourself and what you need.

You know what, @OddTrek38 I heard something on the radio very recently {Either LBC or Radio 4} about the Police and they said they would look into childhood abuse, be it recent or 50 yrs ago...My abuser is dead, but your brother is alive.

WHY should he get away with it?

I regret so much not ''telling'' when my parents got home all those years ago.

Keeping secrets only hurts us.

Rape crisis is a good place to start. You can see a counsellor through them, even though I think the wait is quite long atm.

A counsellor, trauma informed. Look at the BACP and talk to the counsellor first. Ask them what sort of experience they have etc… do a trial session.
Dont assume that the first person you find is going to be the right fit fir you.

Im a CSA specialist therapist and happy to answer any questions you may have - feel free to PM if you don’t feel comfortable asking publicly

It maybe worth googling and contacting your local SARC and asking for their recommendations of local charities and organisations. Many will also have charities they refer to directly if you need free or low-income support.

Maybe you dint need to?
Maybe you can just avoid explaining why you hate him?

@IMBCRound2 is SARC not more for immediate support after a rape rather than long term support afterwards, which is what the OP is after?