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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Should expose brothers abuse or keep quiet

127 replies

OddTrek38 · 22/10/2024 20:02

I don't know where to start with this or even if I shld share.
Been viewing this site for years but something has clicked today and I need advice.
Will try not to drip feed.
I'm nearly 50, have a wonderful husband and child but am struggling with historical child abuse issues and am drinking way too much to help me forget it.
But I dont forget and am getting worse the older I get.
My brother sexually abused me for years between ages of 8 - 10 and much as I've tried to forget it, its raising its head more the older I get.
Not sure what I'm asking for, has anyone had this and has advice

OP posts:
ThisJadeBear · 26/02/2026 10:09

I read the book recently of Gisele Pelicot’s daughter. I know that Gisele Pelicot went through horrific abuse at the hands of her husband.
When her daughter said she had also been abused by him, Gisele could not take it in.
So the daughter felt disbelieved and rejected and her words were very striking - because of my father’s actions I also lost my mother.
I know your mother has not been abused but for whatever reasons, she clearly cannot cope with the truth of what her son has done to you.
She may feel immense guilt, shame, she wants to keep up a family facade.
That is absolutely horrific for you as you need your mum.
You really need some help and support now away from your mum, from somebody impartial who can hear you, and you alone.

OddTrek38 · 26/02/2026 12:52

ThisJadeBear · 26/02/2026 10:09

I read the book recently of Gisele Pelicot’s daughter. I know that Gisele Pelicot went through horrific abuse at the hands of her husband.
When her daughter said she had also been abused by him, Gisele could not take it in.
So the daughter felt disbelieved and rejected and her words were very striking - because of my father’s actions I also lost my mother.
I know your mother has not been abused but for whatever reasons, she clearly cannot cope with the truth of what her son has done to you.
She may feel immense guilt, shame, she wants to keep up a family facade.
That is absolutely horrific for you as you need your mum.
You really need some help and support now away from your mum, from somebody impartial who can hear you, and you alone.

I think you've hit something there as I completely get how this news will have affected her, that's what makes it hard for me to comprehend her lack of care for how I've been feeling for years.

I will be reaching out for professional help on this, so many of you have said that so I need to take the advice I asked for.

OP posts:
Netcurtainnelly · 27/02/2026 13:35

OddTrek38 · 22/10/2024 20:47

Thank you all so much, I feel embarrassed by this but emboldened by support.

I would expose him to be honest. Why should you live with this secret.
It might have happened with other people too. You might be the only one.

Hhhwgroadk · 27/02/2026 15:28

Please tell the Police along with getting as much professional help for yourself as possible. You are so strong but unable to recognise that. All this has been eating away at you and making your life unhappy. Cleanse your mind, do whatever you must, you are really a great and good person. Put yourself first and stop trying to mask your true feelings. Hopefully your life will now be turned around and you will walk in sunshine soon.

Netcurtainnelly · 27/02/2026 20:15

OddTrek38 · 22/10/2024 20:47

Thank you all so much, I feel embarrassed by this but emboldened by support.

I would expose him to be honest. Why should you live with this secret.
It might have happened with other people too. You might not be the only one.

SENDChaos · 01/03/2026 03:32

Speak to a specialist or professional. You need to weigh up how heavy keeping this secret is for you with the possible outcome of speaking out.

whatever decision you make, do it with no regrets and remember none of this is your failt

AnonymouseDad · 01/03/2026 08:11

OddTrek38 · 22/10/2024 20:49

And how do I continue to hide the hate for him?

Dont hide it. Do not let it have any further power or influence over you. Do not feel shame. Do not let him get away with it.

I say this as someone who went through very similar.

My dad abused both myself and my sister when we were kids. Violently, sexualy and mentally.

I have had therapy and it does certainly help. Talk to your GP. There are people they can put you in contact with.

I had a break down too. Many years ago now. I dont know what triggered it but the memories all came flooding back at once. I had blocked them all out and very rarely spoke of my childhood at home. I would talk about being out or at friends houses but never much at home.

It came as a shock to my wife. I opened up to my sister and she had blocked it all too.

Therapy helped explain how thatbwas a defense mechanism and how it worked. Still seems bizarre to me that a mind can do that.

Both myself and my sister cut all contact with our dad. It did get messy with extended family but we later found out that was because our dad was putting pressure on people in the family he'd lent money to.

Lots came out. I opened up to what was going on to my oldest and best friend and her husband. As she was around from when we were tiny. We spoke to her parents who were not surprised. They always thought there was something nasty about my dad and there was a reason 99% of the time I stayed over or played at there house when I was a child.

I felt so much better for cutting contact. I do wish police could have been involved. But they did investigate at the time and made a mistake by asking a leading question that spoiled the case. Again I cant remember any of that.

No contact was the best we could do and letting others know the truth.

A couple of years back on christmas my sister and I had a call from the hospital about him. It was the first contact for many years. We went in not knowing anything but almost morbidly curious if he was dying. It turned out he had already passed. He was still on the ward. His christmas dinner was still there along with a christmas cracker. We pulled the cracker over his corpse and walked away.

We called round the family. All those people who tried to put pressure on us to get back in contact, who didnt believe what we said. None of them cared at all that he had died. Thats when we started to learn about his pressure on them.

We had him cremated at an unattended service. We had to write something in the eulogy as the computer wouldnt accept a blank page so we used a full stop. That was that.

We then had to tackle his house. Our childhood home. And it was awful. Looked clean and neat from the outside but inside it was just grime and hording.

We spoke to the neighbour who was there when we were children. She was a vicar and a lovely lady who used to give us lifts whenever she was driving out. She told us that she did wonder if he had died as his car was still there but she hadn't seen him in weeks. She didnt want to knock on the door though just incase he was allove as then she'd have to talk to him.
Kind of says it all when a vicar is happy your dead.
She also said that as he lived in the village he was entitled to be buried at the church. The way she said it was off. I told her he was to be cremated and his ashes put in the bin. She was relieved and said it would have been highly unpopular for him to have been buried at the church.

Got a bit off track there letting it all out. Point is. Cut all contact and do not look back. Abusers deserve no better. They do not deserve to still be influencing you life now.
Therapy helps more than you think it will.

OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 19:06

Hi Mumsnet
Am here again asking for support and advice.
I am listening to the advice but still struggling.
I know I need professional help to help me deal with this but my question today is how do I deal with Mother's day.
I've heard nothing so for the first time in 50 years am thinking I ignore it.
Is that the right course? Or am I being an arse??

OP posts:
OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 19:08

Thank you all again, I keep re reading your posts. Can't afford professional help so your advice and posts mean alot even if I don't reply individually x

OP posts:
OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 19:12

Thank AnonymouseDad
I hope you have found closure

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 10/03/2026 19:14

Sort yourself out then decide what to do about your brother from a place of strength.

Please seek help and try and stop yourself feeling shame. The Gisèle Pelicot quote from her husband’s rape trial always sticks with me:
“Shame must change sides”

By demanding an open trial, she declared that victims should no longer carry the stigma of their abusers: "It's not for us to have shame – it's for them [the perpetrators]".

Namechangerage · 10/03/2026 19:16

She has a book out too https://amzn.eu/d/044qKN9J

Should expose brothers abuse or keep quiet
Hillsmakeyoustrong · 10/03/2026 19:42

Do you want to acknowledge it OP? Or do you feel obliged?

OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 19:43

Thank AnonymouseDad
I hope you have found closure

OP posts:
OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 19:43

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 10/03/2026 19:42

Do you want to acknowledge it OP? Or do you feel obliged?

Feel obliged
But so angry

OP posts:
Mischance · 10/03/2026 19:46

You have no reason to feel embarrassed about it. You did nothing wrong .... nothing at all. You were a child, and the child that is still inside you is hurting.
Seek counselling please... I am sure it will help you.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 10/03/2026 19:49

IMHO...I think to acknowledge it through a sense of obligation and from a place of understandable deep anger, it would rub salt in the wound and I think you've been hurt enough. 💔

Mischance · 10/03/2026 19:50

In these circumstances some NHS regions provide counselling free. Also most private counselling agencies have a sliding payment scale which allows for free sessions for some people.
Individual counsellors tend not to provide free sessions.

ChirpyAmberLion · 10/03/2026 20:14

Hi @OddTrek38, I haven’t posted on your thread before now, but can relate as my brother did the same to me between the ages of 6 and 8 and then to an extent until I was 15.

We shared a bedroom until I was 10 when we ‘had’ to move (council property the rules of a boy & girl sharing the same bedroom was a no-no past the age of 14 (for the male/boy)).

Even once I had my own bedroom he’d still ‘grope’/push himself against me until I got to the angry teenager stage. I can’t remember what I may have said or done to make it stop mind you.

Saying that, and yes I was snooping, I found things, very explicit things, written about me in a notebook of his when I was 17. They were so graphically described I actually threw up. He was 21 at the time FFS!!

It’s been on my mind since, I’m now 51. ExH thought it was just ‘normal’ behaviour when I mentioned it to him (though I did leave out the graphics), but now DH was mortified and said I should tell my mother.

i haven’t and I ‘can’t’. She’s on her own now (widowed following death of D stepdad), and I honestly feel that if I tell her it will kill her off. Myself and my younger DB aren’t local to her anymore, but the elder ‘perpetrator’ lives 10 minutes away from her.

He’s a useless cunt, works 5 mins away from DM, but only visits about twice a year. DM always finds an excuse as to why he hasn’t popped in on his lunch break or visited when he’s not working. It sort of feels like a justification on her part because he’s the eldest, he’s busy, he’s a bloke etc..

I’ve told younger DB what he did to me (again not the graphics) and he’s fully supportive of me reporting it to the Police, which I have done, though only so it’s on record, as I didn’t want to take it further at that time. That’s not to say I won’t.

My only way of processing what he did is to go ‘postal’ on him after DM passes away. Myself and younger DB are executors of her will and estate, elder B not an executor because his wife is a money grabbing bitch, always has been and would def steer to the cheapest care home (if needed for DM if it came to it), raid the house before my mum is cold etc.

My plan, given how infrequently elder B visits is to have DM’s funeral done and dusted without him & his wife, get DM’s house sold before he would even notice and cut him off. He doesn’t know where myself or younger DB live, or our contact details, and vice versa as I couldn’t give a shit about elder brother and have no contact with him at all, unless by complete accident he turns up at DM’s whilst I’m there, which has prob only happened 3 times over the last 25 years

Many will say I’m petty or spiteful but it’s my way of dealing with it when the time comes. I have had therapy, which has helped to an extent, but feel that my way is the justice I need to be able to move on.

Have you considered reporting him to the Police, even if you don’t want to take it further at this stage?

SeriouslyStressed · 10/03/2026 20:33

OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 19:08

Thank you all again, I keep re reading your posts. Can't afford professional help so your advice and posts mean alot even if I don't reply individually x

Have you explored what’s available locally? Maybe through your GP? In my town there is a rape and sexual abuse service that provides free therapy

Yerdug · 10/03/2026 20:39

Sorry if I've missed this - but does he have access to anyone else currently who may be at risk? That's a major consideration

OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 20:59

ChirpyAmberLion · 10/03/2026 20:14

Hi @OddTrek38, I haven’t posted on your thread before now, but can relate as my brother did the same to me between the ages of 6 and 8 and then to an extent until I was 15.

We shared a bedroom until I was 10 when we ‘had’ to move (council property the rules of a boy & girl sharing the same bedroom was a no-no past the age of 14 (for the male/boy)).

Even once I had my own bedroom he’d still ‘grope’/push himself against me until I got to the angry teenager stage. I can’t remember what I may have said or done to make it stop mind you.

Saying that, and yes I was snooping, I found things, very explicit things, written about me in a notebook of his when I was 17. They were so graphically described I actually threw up. He was 21 at the time FFS!!

It’s been on my mind since, I’m now 51. ExH thought it was just ‘normal’ behaviour when I mentioned it to him (though I did leave out the graphics), but now DH was mortified and said I should tell my mother.

i haven’t and I ‘can’t’. She’s on her own now (widowed following death of D stepdad), and I honestly feel that if I tell her it will kill her off. Myself and my younger DB aren’t local to her anymore, but the elder ‘perpetrator’ lives 10 minutes away from her.

He’s a useless cunt, works 5 mins away from DM, but only visits about twice a year. DM always finds an excuse as to why he hasn’t popped in on his lunch break or visited when he’s not working. It sort of feels like a justification on her part because he’s the eldest, he’s busy, he’s a bloke etc..

I’ve told younger DB what he did to me (again not the graphics) and he’s fully supportive of me reporting it to the Police, which I have done, though only so it’s on record, as I didn’t want to take it further at that time. That’s not to say I won’t.

My only way of processing what he did is to go ‘postal’ on him after DM passes away. Myself and younger DB are executors of her will and estate, elder B not an executor because his wife is a money grabbing bitch, always has been and would def steer to the cheapest care home (if needed for DM if it came to it), raid the house before my mum is cold etc.

My plan, given how infrequently elder B visits is to have DM’s funeral done and dusted without him & his wife, get DM’s house sold before he would even notice and cut him off. He doesn’t know where myself or younger DB live, or our contact details, and vice versa as I couldn’t give a shit about elder brother and have no contact with him at all, unless by complete accident he turns up at DM’s whilst I’m there, which has prob only happened 3 times over the last 25 years

Many will say I’m petty or spiteful but it’s my way of dealing with it when the time comes. I have had therapy, which has helped to an extent, but feel that my way is the justice I need to be able to move on.

Have you considered reporting him to the Police, even if you don’t want to take it further at this stage?

So much resonates.
Am sick of keeping quiet

OP posts:
OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 21:05

Needed to get this out of my head sonsent this email.

Thank you for your total lack of support.

Not a word from you since Xmas.

I asked you to do two things for me when I told you my deepest hidden shame of my childhood in Sept last year.

You've done nothing to support me or my family.

Thank you for your total lack of empathy.

Thank you for your disregard for me and my family.

I wasted a whole week of my life to support you last year.

For nothing.

I mean nothing to you.

My boys mean nothing to you.

Thank you.

OP posts:
ChirpyAmberLion · 10/03/2026 21:09

OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 20:59

So much resonates.
Am sick of keeping quiet

Honestly OP, for me, having it recorded on file by the Police despite me then saying I didn’t want to take it further at the time, has given me, rightly or wrongly, a sense of ‘control’ of what happened. Like having something in my back pocket.

Not saying that is something you should do on your journey of processing and dealing this horrific thing. I at least was listened to and felt the empathy given from the female officer, as well as having it stored somewhere official, in addition to therapy, which is generally only between you and a therapist. X

OddTrek38 · 10/03/2026 21:10

On one side I feel guilt for sending the above but on the other the relief is massive. I may well sleep tonight. Thank you all again for helping me

OP posts:
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