Should expose brothers abuse or keep quiet

[OddTrek38]

I don't know where to start with this or even if I shld share.
Been viewing this site for years but something has clicked today and I need advice.
Will try not to drip feed.
I'm nearly 50, have a wonderful husband and child but am struggling with historical child abuse issues and am drinking way too much to help me forget it.
But I dont forget and am getting worse the older I get.
My brother sexually abused me for years between ages of 8 - 10 and much as I've tried to forget it, its raising its head more the older I get.
Not sure what I'm asking for, has anyone had this and has advice

@OddTrek38 Substance abuse is common, too amongst child sexual abuse victims as adults.
It appears{short term} to numb the rage and disgust, but eventually only hurts us.
A lovely young man I worked with {colleague} died as a result of drug use to blot out severe Sexual abuse at a children's home as a child.

There is a specific organisation (National Association for People Abused in Childhood or NAPAC) that has a website, and linked support groups-just taking to someone who understands what you have been through might help you to make some decisions about how best to care for you. Please remember that what happened was not your fault. You were a child, and someone abused your trust. It is their fault, not yours. You did not deserve this to happen to you. I wish you strength going forward. I hope you can now look after your young self.

Your GP may well be able to refer you to a psychosexual therapist.

You are so right, this secret is killing me .

This sums up my issue. I drink too much to try and forget but am sick of it

I'm a prison officer and the amount of men we are locking up for historical abuse is approx 5% of the(prison) population. It's never too late to report him and you'll probably find other women will come forward. However it's completely up to you. Big hugs and good luck

Try this charity
https://www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk

Sending you strength and courage to seek help

Rape Crisis. Most of the women they support aren't discussing recent rapes, but child sexual abuse. They will not judge or be shocked. It should be free, but there may be a bit of a wait due to demand. Sadly, you are not alone.

You don’t need to keep it a secret. It doesn’t need to kill you.

I wouldn’t tell your mother until you’ve had therapy and feel a bit stronger. It’s the worst feeling, when someone important reacts badly.

Tell people who will know how to react- health professionals, therapists, wise friends. Gather support.

Don’t expect everything to be resolved in one go. It will take a few goes to even feel like you’ve said it all, let alone unpacked and processed it.

How old was your brother?

After historic childhood sexual abuse from my father, I finally cracked when I had a daughter. I googled local sexual abuse charities and found one that gave me 24 sessions for free.

I was abusing my body by overeating (the thought of being unattractive helping) and got help for that too at the same time. My counsellor also helped with the huge anger issues I have but had hidden until then.

He was 15; I was 9

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Op I'm sorry that he put you through that. You did nothing wrong, you didn't deserve it and it should never ever have happened.

You deserve support with this and you can do that in whatever way feels best for you. You could look for a counsellor who specialises in trauma and abuse. You could get support from your gp around your drinking as well as a counselling referral (might be slower than going privately is the only thing) and possibly medication to help you manage until the talking therapy starts to feel beneficial if you feel you need it. You can choose who and how you tell and when. You don't need to disclose it to your mother if that would be more distressing to you, but equally this is not something that you have to hide if it's becoming too heavy either. And perhaps there are things you may want to ask your mother that only she can answer so I'd recommend exploring that in therapy so you can decide what is right FOR YOU.

I'm glad you have support of your dh and I'm glad you've distanced yourself from your brother.

The only thing I would say is that if he has access to children you may want to make an official statement to police/ social services to protect them incase he repeats the harmful behaviours he did to you.

If you decide to tell your mum I'd just say be prepared (and with good support around you) incase she doesn't handle it well as that could be very upsetting for you.

Ultimately op your feelings matter, what happened to you matters and you matter. This is an instance where its important to prioritise yourself.

So sorry this happened to you.
Please look into some of the therapy options other people have suggested, you don't have to report him to get help for yourself.x

A woman I knew said her swimming coach had been prosecuted {Pre internet era} and other women came forward.
She actually vomited when giving a statement.

When I googled just now, to see if there was a historic record of it, there were SEVERAL Swimming coaches around the World jailed for abusing children on their squads.

Unbelievable.

I remember there was a thread on here once started by a woman who had been sexually abused by her brother as a child and the number of people who said it had happened to them too was mind blowing. I think it's a huge unspoken about issue. It happened to me. I broke down and told my mum as an adult and she was horrified but has since brushed it under the carpet because she doesn't know how to deal with it. I spend every Christmas and bank holiday with this person feeling physically sick but playing happy families, the thought of these 'special occasions' fills me with dread. I know it sounds mad but I don't want to expose him as I don't want him to suffer as he's physically and mentally disabled and he's had a shit life. He's significantly older than me. Do you still have to see your brother?

https://connectcounselling.ie/

This is a free counseling service that provides support for any type of childhood abuse, it covers Ireland and the UK.

For books The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk is excellent for explaining how emotional trauma impacts physically.

Best of luck OP, I'm a fellow child abuse survivor if you need anything please message me.

yes that’s the primary purpose but they’d most likely be able to direct to the best local places if OP isn’t in a position to go private or wants some recommendations. It can feel a bit overwhelming to pick a random name off the BACP or UKCP websites.

Some charities need a SARC referral to accept a client because of the funding criteria so it’s often a way of accessing that. Admittedly most charities wouldn’t be in the position to offer long term support because of funding restraints but even short term work can be a good place to start.

My friend never wanted to expose her abuser {years of it} for similar reasons.

Yet her father {not an abuser} did warn her about ''Uncle *''. He said ''Be careful of Uncle **'' {Note a blood uncle, but a 'courtesy title' where she lived}

He wasn't an uncle, but a stalwart in the area where she lived, and he had an interesting house full of things children liked {flag🚩🚩🚩🚩} but had no children himself.

Kids were always allowed to play at his house in the holidays.

Makes me mad just thinking of it.

JUST STOP BLOODY ABUSING KIDS!

Maybe not possible to remove it, but it is possible to push it back into the past where it belongs so that you can live a happy life now without it dominating. Please take the advice given to the OP and apply it to yourself too.
In my case, telling someone and them spending two hours until they convinced me that it hadn't been my fault in any way was my first step to healing and feeling lighter. Best wishes xx

Sadly it’s not unbelievable. There are two women on this thread so far that have been abused by their brothers and two who were abused by their fathers (I’m one of them). That’s 4 women abused by immediate family on a two page thread. It’s far, far more common than anyone would like to think.

A friend was abused by her brother, but they were close in age.

I’m so sorry. At that age he had no excuse.

I believe there are many books by survivors that might be useful at some point. But definitely contact the organizations listed upthread for the UK. You are not alone! There are many women who will support and understand you! Don’t give up on yourself!

Hi, I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

I had EMDR therapy (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing). Really good but expensive now, I had it a few years ago.

My mother orchestrated abuse between me and my brother. I used sex, drugs and alcohol to forget in my teen years. Early 20's was rough but I got therapy. Really helped. The only thing that fully helped me heal was having a connection to God but that's a personal thing and some don't wish to entertain that which is fine.
Sorry this happened to you x