Should expose brothers abuse or keep quiet

[OddTrek38]

I don't know where to start with this or even if I shld share.
Been viewing this site for years but something has clicked today and I need advice.
Will try not to drip feed.
I'm nearly 50, have a wonderful husband and child but am struggling with historical child abuse issues and am drinking way too much to help me forget it.
But I dont forget and am getting worse the older I get.
My brother sexually abused me for years between ages of 8 - 10 and much as I've tried to forget it, its raising its head more the older I get.
Not sure what I'm asking for, has anyone had this and has advice

Another thought to hold on to- you are sorry for causing your mum distress, but…she has caused this situation by passing your information along and choosing not to manage her relationships with sensitivity, preferring to try and sweep it under the carpet, to hide it.

She has ignored your needs. You aren’t obliged to prioritise hers. I’m so glad your DH has your back.

Has your mother replied yet OP?

Stay strong. You’re taking back your power.

I havent had a reply, to be honest I'm not surprised and do expect it to be ignored. Similar has happened in the past, anything difficult to deal with is swept under the carpet.

The difference this time is I refuse to do that. I refuse to carry on as if everything is fine.

Update for all of you who have supported me.

My Mum replied to my message and we just had a 2 hour phone convo. Not the way I wanted it to happen but have told her everything. She was shocked, saddened and disappointed in herself but I think we have got to a point of moving on.

I've said what I need from her and am hopeful.

Thank you again to all if you who have given me this strength. It's taken me 40 years to get here and the weight that has been lifted is isdescribable

Oh well done! That’s amazing. Step by step on a new path.

So an update tho not what I was expecting

The mothership invited herself here for Xmas which I agreed thru guilt of her having no where else to go.

Nothing was spoken about and I drank wine at levels to be able to ignore

Since then nothing.

No call text nothing

So am again overthinking

Maybe I should have kept quiet and accepted the abuse.

Am angry at a level off the scale.

Hate the idea of distancing myself from my mother but her lack of support or anything is abhorrent to me.

Any ideas or suggestions greatly received to save me going mad

I said what I needed from her and she's done nothing.

I got the invite for the wedding I told her to stop.

She doesn't give a shit does she?

This is unfortunately very common with relatives esp when they are the parent of the abuser. It is too hard for them to deal with the knowledge and so they avoid the topic and hope that it is never brought up again. It's completely unfair since you cannot help but deal with the knowledge and they are leaving you to deal with it alone.

Someone close to me went through this as well, it is horrendous, you have my full sympathy and you did NOT deserve what happened to you and no, it doesn't mean that you did wrong by disclosing to her. I am sorry she can't support you in the way that you need.

There are sexual abuse/rape victim support charities in many areas. The person I know found it incredibly helpful when they reached out to a charity like this and were able to receive counselling relative to the abuse. Unfortunately there are often waiting lists, but at least getting on the waiting list is one positive step. If you have the funds, private therapy would probably be quicker but you would definitely need to identify a practitioner who has understanding of this issue.

Looking at alcohol addiction support groups too can be helpful, ultimately you will not be the only one using alcohol to self-medicate the effects of trauma. Managing alcohol use is best done under medical advice as I understand it. It might be that there is a safer form of medication which would help you to cope and perhaps allow you to rely less on alcohol.

I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from her op. I'm sure this is hard for her and her generation were very well practised in rug sweeping but really none of that excuses her because sometimes as parents we have to do hard things no matter how uncomfortable it makes us.

I haven't been in your situation op but I have a long history of my mum not providing any emotional support when needed. Quite the opposite at times in fact. And what I would just say is that it makes it very important for you to carve out a support network of your own that works for you. Be that a really good counsellor who you feel safe with, a good group of friends who lift you up or a support service. You deserve to have your voice heard, to be validated and to be supported in a consistent way. If she, for whatever the reason, cannot show up for you in that way then you need to find your people who will and then there's a process of almost grieving the lack of mothering you should have got when you were in a vulnerable place.

Lots of grace for yourself and self care op. You've done nothing wrong and I think you showed massive strength and I think - even though its not the reaction you wanted or needed- you have at least been true to yourself and there's bound to be something healing in that on some level. It just might take a while for you to feel that as everything is probably still very raw right now.

Thank you for ur reply I appreciate it so much. Just feel lost right now and want to lash out.

Am feeling so angry after 2 months of nothing. Shld I send a text and if so what do I say? Am lost on this.

I could have written this thread. I am so sorry for you. It never goes away and it never gets easier.
I could never reveal my ‘secret’ It would blow my family apart. I have tried therapy but the secret keeping is a huge part of the problem and that will never change for me.
Sending you lots of love xxxx

I came on to suggest NAPAC which I know has been really helpful in supporting people who were abused in childhood.

It’s really important that you know you did nothing wrong. What happened was not your fault. If others find it hard to deal with, that is their own issue. What I hope matters to you is finding some support, compassion and eventually peace. I wonder if you were maybe seeking validation and understanding from your mum-which is a perfectly reasonable thing to seek. But she hasn’t given you that and has seemingly pushed it back under her carpet. Having opened things up, and not received what you need, I really hope you can seek it elsewhere and get the support you deserve.

I’m so sorry. Your rage and hurt are entirely justified. I’m afraid she has reverted to what she needs the world to be- one where we go through the motions and don’t have genuine relationships. Where we ‘look’ like family, and ‘act’ like family, but nothing is allowed to interfere with appearances-particularly not inconvenient things like ‘truth’ ‘pain’ ‘damage’ and ‘crime’.

She cannot give you what you need. I suggest you remove from her any opportunity to let you down again. Never ask her for anything, or feel obliged to do anything for her. Stop fulfilling the appearances that she asks for. Block her. Automatically forward emails/messages to your husband and let him be your safety blanket. He can decide if you need to know anything.

It’s possible at some point in future she learns and understands. Your husband can decide if he thinks she’s moved enough for you to risk seeing her again.

Turn your back, make your peace- despite her.

I looked after my friends teenage daughter after proven allegations of sexual abuse by the step father as the mother was woeful in stepping up to the plate.The mum spent the first few months in denial (even after he admitted it) because she felt guilty by association and for failing to see what had been happening under her nose, and after a few more months, she divorced him, but was still unable to come alongside her daughter as she should have. It has irrevocably altered their relationship. She had infact been sexually abused herself at a young age by her grandfather and had not dealt with it, it hugely distorted her views on sexual abuse (almost resignation "well, it happens to us all") and because she hadn't processed her own trauma, couldn't face her daughters. I'm absolutely not making any excuses because it irrevocably changed our friendship, I couldn't unsee what I'd seen. Im not suggesting its the same reason for your mother's behaviour but trying to (probably miserably) demonstrate that its not necessarily a lack of feeling (of love) but a lack of capacity. Truly, I am sorry you have suffered so hard and for so long, I hope you still doggedly pursue your freedom and healing through professional help because it is long overdue.

I’m sorry this happened it wasn’t your fault and you should have been protected

Why not write her a letter, you could get all your feelings out into it and then in the light of morning you can decide you want to shred/ burn it or send it to her or maybe you rewrite a filtered version and give her that. But it's a good idea to vent those feelings somewhere.

Thank you all so much for your responses. To know this is so common is horrifying.
I'm in abit of a daze this morning so will reply properly later but in a nutshell I realise expecting her to respond as I would do is never going to happen. I realise that's our relationship is effectively over which really hurts as I thought I meant more to her....obviously not.
I also know that I need professional help if I'm ever going to move on through this and not live it every day.
Again thank you all so much for the advice and support. Xx

How are you this morning, OP?
It might be helpful to separate her behaviour from ‘what you mean to her’. That would imply that she’s actively choosing actively choosing to ignore your pain, to fail you. She hasn’t weighed up what you need versus what she wants to give and what she could be doing instead. It’s more like when the doctor tickles your reflexes with his hammer. She’s reacting, rather than choosing how to behave. She may not have many skills/strategies available.

That’s no use to you, she’s still failed you, but that isn’t necessarily a mark of her feelings. Just of her inadequacy.

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I'm currently in therapy for self esteem issues. I'm coming to the end of a year of it and only last week told my therapist I'd been put in a very difficult situation by a man in a band many many years ago. Unlike you it wasn't sustained, it was two separate occasions.

I'd tracked the band down to a hotel and was invited to a party. I thought I was in love with this guy. When I got to the room he appeared naked and I thought he had just had a shower or something but no he expected me to have sex with him. I didn't go all the way but was coerced into what I was not supposed to do at 15. I just wanted him to be my boyfriend. Sounds stupid doesn't it?

I was thrown out of the room as he called me stupid. Months later I contrived to meet him again to put things right as I'd been depressed for months. It was the same thing but with more verbal abuse for not going all the way. I was also coerced by one of the crew who said he wouldn't allow me to see the guy unless I gave him a wank which I hadn't a clue how to do. He asked me to soap him down in the shower instead. I was still 15 and thrown out for being stupid and naive.

The therapist said she's going to signpost me to somewhere @IMBCRound2 probably someone like you.

I hope you get the help and support you need op. Thinking of you xx

@OddTrek38I feel for you. I had SA by maternal great uncle and when I eventually told my mother at 15 she said ' how do you think this makes me feel - this is really awful for me'. I didn't even get a hug. So I had to sit across him at the Christmas table that year.

Needless to say, years on, I'm no contact with her.

It's really helping hear what you are all saying and sharing, forgive me not responding individually but please know you are all helping me so much. To those that have experienced similar, I hope you have got to a place of peace.

I hate the thought of distancing myself from her but don't see any other option. I feel very strongly that the ball is in her court to reach out to me. At this point I don't believe she will do anything as such but just knowing she has my back and believes me would be better than nothing.

I'm at work so have my game face on!

I've decided to write a letter which I will likely never send but will hopefully help get some of this out of my head.

Just to say following your update: how you feel now isn’t necessarily how you will always feel. Right now it’s painful (and that may not change, I accept) but you can seek support to process your own feelings about the assault and also about your mother. I hope you can do that. It’s really hard when the people that should have your back don’t seem to but it’s her failing, it isn’t yours.

It’s so disappointing and disturbing that your mum isn’t able to respond as you need her to. As pps have said, sadly this is common. Writing a letter is always a good way to get your feelings out and get some clarity.

But remember not to let your happiness depend on what she does or doesn’t do. This is your life and you deserve to be supported in this. But if the reality is that she’s not the person to do this for you, it’s awful but it is the reality. Where else would you like to realistically get support from? Is it a friend? Is it formal therapy?