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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband age 57 told me to go fuck myself

107 replies

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 02:41

Hi .I need some advice ,I suffer on and off with depression and the way it affects me is that maybe twice a year I shut down I just go quite and go away to my room and stop for up to 3 days ,I absolutely hate it,I have been to GP and they prescribed medication which seems to keep me balanced for long periods of time. 7 weeks ago my elderly mum passed away and I had cared for her 2 days out of a week for a long time before she died.then a week ago my brother whom I adore age 60 told me he has terminal cancer,I said to my hubby I wasn't feeling great and cud we maybe do breakfast or something as for he previous 2 weeks he was out with his friends at weekends anyhow he said he hadn't the time and was too busy with work.
I felt so exhausted and unmotivated so took myself to my room for 3 days and slept ,I also had bloody sinus infection.
So after taking myself off for 3 days and not communicating with anyone other than I'm OK just don't mind me. The families life went on whilst I tried to deal with my bloody head then I got up showered and tried to start again and was making tea and 1 of my adult children gave me a barrage of abuse probably well deserved about how I only want attention and I don't do anything and I don't clean and don't cook and she isnt going to pay mammy tax of 30 pounds a week anymore becauseshe had to buy toilet rolls and clean kitchen i normally am ok with housework and stuff .i asked my hubby to intervene he said oh u want to talk now go fuck yourself.i tried to explain i cant always control my mental health but think the loss of my mum and sadness at the thoughts of loosing my lovely bro in the next few months probably made me want to be alone etc ,he just was yelling at me and then he and daughter went for a drive.2 of my other adult children told him it was unfair ,he shouted some more and watched tv
What should i do i feel like il have to leave because he wont but am scared any advice would really be appreciated

OP posts:
username3678 · 17/10/2024 02:58

I'm sorry about your loss and your brother 💐

You've got quite a lot going on but it boils down to being treated very disrespectfully by both your daughter and your husband.

Why are you scared?

PaminaMozart · 17/10/2024 02:58

Ignore him as much as possible, for the time being.

As a first step, can you get some counselling for yourself?

Once you have regained your equilibrium, can you focus on...

  • what YOU want, for yourself;
  • what you need to do and can do to make it happen.

Reading between the lines, your husband seems to be a bit of a useless <-> abusive tw@t. I imagine there's quite a backstory?

orangegato · 17/10/2024 03:27

Oh OP what a nasty husband/daughter you have. I’m not sure what to suggest but you deserve better. Is there anyone that’s there for you in all this?

Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:29

Thank you both for your answers il definitely take on board taking some time out for myself with counselling and see were to go from there
Yes I was scared and still am a bit I just feel ganged up on and bullied but I do feel somewhat responsible as I must be difficult to live with having depression and unmotivated .the lack of motivation is going on quite a while xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:31

Yes my eldest daughter gave out strongly to them both and she is a gem and wants me to come stay with her for a bit ,but I'm reluctant to leave my home but maybe for a while like a few weeks might be no harm

OP posts:
username3678 · 17/10/2024 03:32

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:29

Thank you both for your answers il definitely take on board taking some time out for myself with counselling and see were to go from there
Yes I was scared and still am a bit I just feel ganged up on and bullied but I do feel somewhat responsible as I must be difficult to live with having depression and unmotivated .the lack of motivation is going on quite a while xx

It might be an idea to see your GP and have a check up and talk about how you feel.

I agree that counselling would be very helpful. Are you in the UK?

username3678 · 17/10/2024 03:33

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:31

Yes my eldest daughter gave out strongly to them both and she is a gem and wants me to come stay with her for a bit ,but I'm reluctant to leave my home but maybe for a while like a few weeks might be no harm

Go and stay with your daughter.

Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:34

Normally he is OK ,quiet ,but I just didn't behave as he wanted I think and it has made me rethink things ,I m not sure if I can take being shouted at for I'm not sure what

OP posts:
Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:37

No not in UK but wish I was at this moment lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:38

U know what I will thank you all as sometimes you don't know what to be doing

OP posts:
username3678 · 17/10/2024 03:40

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:37

No not in UK but wish I was at this moment lol

Are you in Ireland? I'm trying to find organisations to help you.

mm81736 · 17/10/2024 03:41

So where does your dh sleep when you are ensconced in the bedroom?
I feel like your husband and daughter would have been more understanding of your sinusitis if you had not asked to be taken out for a meal right before going up yo your room for 3 days.

Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:46

He chooses not to sleep in bed most nights as he usually watches tv late after work then wakes at about 4 and comes to bed ,I had no problem with him coming to bed I just wasn't very chatty
I didn't want to go for a meal particularly I was thinking breakfast so he wouldn't miss too much work .I never told him about my sinuses

OP posts:
Copperoliverbear · 17/10/2024 03:47

Firstly sorry for your loss and sorry your brother is ill, I'm also sorry for the fact you are living with uncaring abusive people.
Maybe go back to the dr and get some counselling and maybe see if you need to up or change your medication.
Go and stay with your daughter and maybe see if you can if somewhere permanent to stay with out your husband and unsupportive child, that's if you want to.
I have a feeling your mental health might improve if you didn't have to live with such selfish people.

GrumpyPanda · 17/10/2024 03:48

Don't be too hard on yourself. Everything else aside, sinuses can be utterly draining even while feeling that you're not truly, legitimately I'll.

Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:50

username3678 · 17/10/2024 03:40

Are you in Ireland? I'm trying to find organisations to help you.

Show quote history

Yes I am south

OP posts:
username3678 · 17/10/2024 03:56

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:50

Yes I am south

Show quote history

Here's some info on bereavement counselling services

Some information on domestic abuse. Towards the end of the page are organisations such as Women's Aid who can offer advice and support.

It sounds as though your husband is abusive and your daughter takes after him. I really advise you to contact Women's Aid and have a chat about the situation.

Definitely go and stay with your daughter.

Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 04:00

I'm going to now I'm glad of the advice as my head is still a bit all over the place x

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 17/10/2024 04:07

Bless you, OP. Sorry about your brother and other recent loss.

Living alone can be better than living with selfish people.

But I appreciate that that might not be easy.

Your daughter complaining about having to pay a ''Mum tax''....£30 a week... She had to buy toilet rolls because her mum was feeling bad and had forgotten to stock up??

{DS when he was here {Now got own house } could get through so much loo roll- I learned to keep an emergency supply hidden for the inevitable

''Muuuuumm! there's no bog roll!!''

I used to reply ''Then you'll just have to go to the shop!'' 🧻}

Sounds like your husband a daughter bully you.

Maybe go and stay with your older daughter as she has invited you.

Christmastinsel78 · 17/10/2024 04:16

Sorry for the loss of your mum and the news of your brother must have come as a shock. Could you visit the doctor and ask for a review of your medication? Well worth talking to some support groups that can support you.

historyrepeatz · 17/10/2024 04:26

Sorry for your loss op. Caring for your mum would have taken quite the toll and losing her also had an impact of losing that 2 day a week looking after her which can be disorienting.

It sounds like you look after everyone else almost all of the time. Occasionally you shut down / burn out and recharge. Your H and D then get upset because their skivvy isn't doing her job through illness and bereavement. They don't seem to have any care, respect or empathy for you. They were angry they had to do some of the stuff you do.

Going to your other daughter gets you out of that environment for a break but what then? You go back home after and how will they treat you? I'd consider using time at your daughters to make plans for yourself.

Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 04:45

Yes I'm thinking that too but it really upsets me to leave here but I don't think I have any choice because he would dig his heels in because he has done all the hard work on the house although I paid for it all as I was the main earner but haven't worked in a Yr re taking care of mum n family etc but youngest is 19 now so I could go if I get brave enough

OP posts:
NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 17/10/2024 05:05

OP I am sorry you’re going through a hard time.

On the face of it, if this was a one off, then your DH would absolutely be being unreasonable.

But, this sounds like it’s a long line of instances where you regularly shut yourself away for days at a time and then expect everyone else to be chatty when you want to. ‘And tbh I can see why that pisses people off.

Living with someone with depression is exhausting, because depression is an incredibly selfish condition where the person suffering has only themselves in mind.

I agree some counselling and a medication review is a good idea here. But if this was a woman posting about her husband’s moods the response would be to cut him some slack on this occasion because of the circumstances, but that things needed to change going forward because shutting himself away and giving the silent treatment for days at a time just isn’t ok. In fact there would be people calling that abuse, and while I don’t necessarily subscribe to that view, I do think it’s pretty close.

MadinMarch · 17/10/2024 05:22

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 04:45

Yes I'm thinking that too but it really upsets me to leave here but I don't think I have any choice because he would dig his heels in because he has done all the hard work on the house although I paid for it all as I was the main earner but haven't worked in a Yr re taking care of mum n family etc but youngest is 19 now so I could go if I get brave enough

Are you saying if you end up leaving permanently and divorcing, then you would just walk away with nothing?
You'd obviously be entitled to half the marital assets and would sell the house if necessary, or he could but you out etc.

Rosscameasdoody · 17/10/2024 05:23

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 17/10/2024 05:05

OP I am sorry you’re going through a hard time.

On the face of it, if this was a one off, then your DH would absolutely be being unreasonable.

But, this sounds like it’s a long line of instances where you regularly shut yourself away for days at a time and then expect everyone else to be chatty when you want to. ‘And tbh I can see why that pisses people off.

Living with someone with depression is exhausting, because depression is an incredibly selfish condition where the person suffering has only themselves in mind.

I agree some counselling and a medication review is a good idea here. But if this was a woman posting about her husband’s moods the response would be to cut him some slack on this occasion because of the circumstances, but that things needed to change going forward because shutting himself away and giving the silent treatment for days at a time just isn’t ok. In fact there would be people calling that abuse, and while I don’t necessarily subscribe to that view, I do think it’s pretty close.

So OP is suffering from what sounds like a fairly severe form of anxiety and depression, feels the need to shut herself away for a couple of days maybe once or twice a year, and you think that’s abusive and selfish ? She’s lost her mum only a few weeks ago and is about to lose her brother. Yes, living with someone who has anxiety and depression can be difficult, but l would think most families would love and support them, and help out, not just leave them to get on with it, as seems to be happening here. I’d want to shut myself away permanently from a partner who told me to go fuck myself while l was going through such difficult circumstances.