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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband age 57 told me to go fuck myself

107 replies

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 02:41

Hi .I need some advice ,I suffer on and off with depression and the way it affects me is that maybe twice a year I shut down I just go quite and go away to my room and stop for up to 3 days ,I absolutely hate it,I have been to GP and they prescribed medication which seems to keep me balanced for long periods of time. 7 weeks ago my elderly mum passed away and I had cared for her 2 days out of a week for a long time before she died.then a week ago my brother whom I adore age 60 told me he has terminal cancer,I said to my hubby I wasn't feeling great and cud we maybe do breakfast or something as for he previous 2 weeks he was out with his friends at weekends anyhow he said he hadn't the time and was too busy with work.
I felt so exhausted and unmotivated so took myself to my room for 3 days and slept ,I also had bloody sinus infection.
So after taking myself off for 3 days and not communicating with anyone other than I'm OK just don't mind me. The families life went on whilst I tried to deal with my bloody head then I got up showered and tried to start again and was making tea and 1 of my adult children gave me a barrage of abuse probably well deserved about how I only want attention and I don't do anything and I don't clean and don't cook and she isnt going to pay mammy tax of 30 pounds a week anymore becauseshe had to buy toilet rolls and clean kitchen i normally am ok with housework and stuff .i asked my hubby to intervene he said oh u want to talk now go fuck yourself.i tried to explain i cant always control my mental health but think the loss of my mum and sadness at the thoughts of loosing my lovely bro in the next few months probably made me want to be alone etc ,he just was yelling at me and then he and daughter went for a drive.2 of my other adult children told him it was unfair ,he shouted some more and watched tv
What should i do i feel like il have to leave because he wont but am scared any advice would really be appreciated

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 17/10/2024 09:32

So much disgusting talk about depression on here. As if sufferers choose to have it or something. She shuts herself away - big whoop, they know exactly why and instead of helping her, they swear at her. You try living with this condition which by the way medication/counselling often does not cure.

if someone had a physical condition that flared up a few times a year leaving them bedbound would it be understandable for a spouse and family member to tell them to go fuck themselves? You know because it’s so hard living with ill people.

Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 09:32

Helpnifoseeker · 17/10/2024 08:52

Hi OP, I'm sorry for your trouble, you really are going through grief for your mother and now the terrible news about your poor brother!
I'd echo a lot of the advice from PPs, go and stay with your eldest DD for a few days, go and see your GP and ask to be referred for counselling but with the state of the Irish health service, you could be waiting a while, so I recommend a service called "Turn2Me". It's an online counselling service here in Ireland, you get 6 free sessions and do them over the internet, sort of like a FaceTime. Then you can continue as a paying client if you need to and can afford it. I know there are plenty private therapists in Ireland but not everyone has 60 odd Euros a week to spare for them! I sure didn't!
As for your young one giving out about "Mammy tax" and having to buy toilet roll, pity about her! I suspect your H is giving her bad example of how to treat you? I'm glad your eldest one does appreciate you- go and stay with her and get the bit of peace you need , so you can make decisions about what you want to do in the future. Do your H and DD have form for being so unkind and ignorant towards you?

Yes my daughter has a little streak which is cruel at times and I've spoken to her wen she was younger about talking ill of people, I would describe her as spiky especially with me

OP posts:
NotbloodyGivingupYet · 17/10/2024 09:37

Widowedyoung83 · 17/10/2024 09:16

Cut yourself some slack.

Your mammy has died and the only other person to share this feeling has terminal cancer.

Your daughter is a little entitled madame and your husband is just a dirtbird.

Pack your shit a months worth and go to your daughters. Your already brave. You cared for your mammy and you now need to build your strength to help your brother and his family.

Take any help your other children want to give.

Also what kind of knob is your husband out with mates when his wife's mammy has just died and your brother is terminal stop looking at what you're doing wrong. Look at what they are doing wrong.

Start opening your mouth. Stop being scared and yes it's easy find that grief and strength and give the fuckers what for.

But seriously pack your bags and go to your daughter and turn your phone off. And have you ever thought your depression wouldn't be this bad if your husband wasn't such a cockwomble.

Stop putting your self down your stronger than you know.

This.
You just lost your mum, had devastating news from your brother and your DH can't even take a morning off his weekend socialising to have breakfast with you? Your daughter should have been looking after you and making you cups of tea, not yelling at you about toilet rolls.
I'm going to make a guess here that over the years your contribution has been taken for granted and belittled, and your illnesses ignored and barely tolerated. So instead of being able to explain how you feel, you withdraw. They have got you thinking it's all your fault.
Whose name is the house in?

Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 09:38

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 17/10/2024 09:16

@Curly50 - It seems to me that you are responding only to posters who are critical of you and not taking on board the many women who are supporting you and understanding of you. (Do I imagine a huge helping of Catholic guilt here?) I am so sorry that you are suffering like this and I urge you to look after yourself and be as understanding and kind to yourself as I am sure you would be to a friend or a daughter of yours who was suffering in the same way. Please, take the first step and go and stay with your eldest daughter and let her take care of you, the same way you've been taking care of your own mother all this time.

Edited

Huuuuge amount of guilt re the depression and effects on my being. I used to be a 40 hr a week worker wen kiddos were small and a goer ,I'm soo aware of how selfish it seems but I honestly can't help it

OP posts:
Original poster
Curly50 · 17/10/2024 09:41

Helpnifoseeker · 17/10/2024 08:52

Hi OP, I'm sorry for your trouble, you really are going through grief for your mother and now the terrible news about your poor brother!
I'd echo a lot of the advice from PPs, go and stay with your eldest DD for a few days, go and see your GP and ask to be referred for counselling but with the state of the Irish health service, you could be waiting a while, so I recommend a service called "Turn2Me". It's an online counselling service here in Ireland, you get 6 free sessions and do them over the internet, sort of like a FaceTime. Then you can continue as a paying client if you need to and can afford it. I know there are plenty private therapists in Ireland but not everyone has 60 odd Euros a week to spare for them! I sure didn't!
As for your young one giving out about "Mammy tax" and having to buy toilet roll, pity about her! I suspect your H is giving her bad example of how to treat you? I'm glad your eldest one does appreciate you- go and stay with her and get the bit of peace you need , so you can make decisions about what you want to do in the future. Do your H and DD have form for being so unkind and ignorant towards you?

I'm going to contact that group il try anything at this stage thank u

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 17/10/2024 09:45

You’ve been treated badly here and his language isn’t ok. However you need to be proactive in seeking counselling etc because removing yourself from life for several days is scary and overwhelming for your family. My Mum used to do this to deal with anxiety and it was terrifying and I’d often be angry with her to mask my fear.

TypingoftheDead · 17/10/2024 09:48

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:31

Yes my eldest daughter gave out strongly to them both and she is a gem and wants me to come stay with her for a bit ,but I'm reluctant to leave my home but maybe for a while like a few weeks might be no harm

I’d go ahead and stay with her. Sounds like it would be a better environment for you - your H and other DD aren’t going to help you get your head around things. I’m absolutely appalled by how your husband and other child have treated you. Losing your mum, then being told your brother is terminal would hit most people for six. I’m so sorry, too.

AutumnLeaves24 · 17/10/2024 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yeah, but anyone half decent doesn't shout at their wife a few weeks after losing her Mum & hearing her brother has cancer unless they're a complete cunt.

@Curly50 'mum tax' £30 pw?? A small contribution to household expenses, she's not employing a housekeeper, cheeky little brat. Get her told, selfish little madam!

go to your other daughters. Go for as long as you need & when you're a bit rested, think about the useless wanker you're living with. Your mum just died & you've just found out about your brother & cunty chops 'doesn't have time' to have breakfast with you. Struggling to see what the point of him is.

if you decide to leave him, make sure you have a good solicitor & sort your own head out re YOU having earned the money so he could do the diy!!

look after yourself x

Ohhbaby · 17/10/2024 10:11

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 17/10/2024 05:05

OP I am sorry you’re going through a hard time.

On the face of it, if this was a one off, then your DH would absolutely be being unreasonable.

But, this sounds like it’s a long line of instances where you regularly shut yourself away for days at a time and then expect everyone else to be chatty when you want to. ‘And tbh I can see why that pisses people off.

Living with someone with depression is exhausting, because depression is an incredibly selfish condition where the person suffering has only themselves in mind.

I agree some counselling and a medication review is a good idea here. But if this was a woman posting about her husband’s moods the response would be to cut him some slack on this occasion because of the circumstances, but that things needed to change going forward because shutting himself away and giving the silent treatment for days at a time just isn’t ok. In fact there would be people calling that abuse, and while I don’t necessarily subscribe to that view, I do think it’s pretty close.

Yeah I always wonder what we would hear if we got the other side as well.
I mean sure he sounds bonkers for shouting at a poor depressed mother doing her best, but I'm willing to bet the better part of what I own that there is more to this story. ( Especially since the daughter felt the same as dad. ) Is this a regular occurance, has she been left to fend for herself?.
Obv sad story all around, and I have sympathy for the OP. Depression is no joke, but neither is living with someone who has it.

Coalsy · 17/10/2024 10:21

Both your husband and daughter are disgusting.
Pack a bag and stay with your other daughter.
I think you need to get legal advice.
Good men do not behave like this.
Tell your daughter to pack her bags and find somewhere else to live.
That is your house.
You have had a bereavement and of course it will be very hard.
Do not tolerate being abused in your home.

MaidOfAle · 17/10/2024 10:30

It wouldn't matter if OP was shutting herself away because she decided that she wanted to spend three days in bed with a good book twice per year, it doesn't excuse the entitled behaviour of her husband and daughter. They are adults and can cook and clean for themselves.

OP, you deserve better than being treated like a "wife appliance".

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 17/10/2024 10:34

historyrepeatz · 17/10/2024 04:26

Sorry for your loss op. Caring for your mum would have taken quite the toll and losing her also had an impact of losing that 2 day a week looking after her which can be disorienting.

It sounds like you look after everyone else almost all of the time. Occasionally you shut down / burn out and recharge. Your H and D then get upset because their skivvy isn't doing her job through illness and bereavement. They don't seem to have any care, respect or empathy for you. They were angry they had to do some of the stuff you do.

Going to your other daughter gets you out of that environment for a break but what then? You go back home after and how will they treat you? I'd consider using time at your daughters to make plans for yourself.

I agree with all of this, OP. Your husband and daughter shouldn’t be abusing you any time, let alone when you’ve just lost your mother and are facing your beloved brother’s illness and death.

Do go and stay with the daughter who loves you, while you set up appointments with your GP and seek counselling. Above all, start considering how you want to live the rest of your life. I suggest a home of your own, where husband and daughter can only visit if you invite them.

Puffalicious · 17/10/2024 10:46

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 17/10/2024 05:05

OP I am sorry you’re going through a hard time.

On the face of it, if this was a one off, then your DH would absolutely be being unreasonable.

But, this sounds like it’s a long line of instances where you regularly shut yourself away for days at a time and then expect everyone else to be chatty when you want to. ‘And tbh I can see why that pisses people off.

Living with someone with depression is exhausting, because depression is an incredibly selfish condition where the person suffering has only themselves in mind.

I agree some counselling and a medication review is a good idea here. But if this was a woman posting about her husband’s moods the response would be to cut him some slack on this occasion because of the circumstances, but that things needed to change going forward because shutting himself away and giving the silent treatment for days at a time just isn’t ok. In fact there would be people calling that abuse, and while I don’t necessarily subscribe to that view, I do think it’s pretty close.

I agree here. You've had a terrible time with your mum & brother's news, so if this was an isolated incident I agree your DH & DD's responses are very poor, BUT the regular 3 day non-communication would be very, very hard to live with. I wouldn't live with it personally. If my DP did this I'd be saying to get help or I'd be considering my options. That pattern of behaviour is seriously not okay.

Frenchie01 · 17/10/2024 11:01

Pack a bag go stay with your daughter for a couple of weeks at least and take care of You, if they are all adults they can all take care of themselves, tell your daughter to put her mum tax payment towards toilet rolls groceries whatever she needs and if any of them don't like it tell them to go fuck themselves, good luck love.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 17/10/2024 11:02

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 17/10/2024 05:05

OP I am sorry you’re going through a hard time.

On the face of it, if this was a one off, then your DH would absolutely be being unreasonable.

But, this sounds like it’s a long line of instances where you regularly shut yourself away for days at a time and then expect everyone else to be chatty when you want to. ‘And tbh I can see why that pisses people off.

Living with someone with depression is exhausting, because depression is an incredibly selfish condition where the person suffering has only themselves in mind.

I agree some counselling and a medication review is a good idea here. But if this was a woman posting about her husband’s moods the response would be to cut him some slack on this occasion because of the circumstances, but that things needed to change going forward because shutting himself away and giving the silent treatment for days at a time just isn’t ok. In fact there would be people calling that abuse, and while I don’t necessarily subscribe to that view, I do think it’s pretty close.

Also so sorry you are dealing with so much OP.
I do have to agree with above poster though.
When you are on the other side of this, with a partner who has such bad depression they cannot talk and sleep constantly for days it is very hard to deal with.
Your DD and DH shouldn't have spoken to you like that, but please see a GP for some help for your sake.

BunnyLake · 17/10/2024 11:35

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:31

Yes my eldest daughter gave out strongly to them both and she is a gem and wants me to come stay with her for a bit ,but I'm reluctant to leave my home but maybe for a while like a few weeks might be no harm

I think that sounds like a good idea. 💐

Ghostcushion · 17/10/2024 11:36

Nothing wrong with being vulnerable, it’s only human. What wrong is people taking advantage of your vulnerability and then in turn you feeling guilty for having a vulnerability and letting them off for their awful behaviour. Sounds like your daughter has learned some awful behaviour from her father unfortunately. Lack or empathy perhaps.

Swedemom · 17/10/2024 12:03

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 03:31

Yes my eldest daughter gave out strongly to them both and she is a gem and wants me to come stay with her for a bit ,but I'm reluctant to leave my home but maybe for a while like a few weeks might be no harm

You go stay with your daghter and then get your own place and start divorce procedings. You don't need abuse from your family. They have no empathy and seem like horrible people. Don't stay with people that hate you! You need to take care of you and your grief. Only three days is not enough time to rest and no wonder you are depressed with a family like that.

Helpnifoseeker · 17/10/2024 12:12

Curly50 · 17/10/2024 09:41

I'm going to contact that group il try anything at this stage thank u

Show quote history

Do, OP I found them really helpful last year when I was going through stuff. Do ask your GP to refer you to an HSE service and follow up on the bereavement counselling another PP found for you as well though!
Have you any close friends you can talk to in the meanwhile? And keep posting here, I think MNers really can be a treasure trove of info and support when people are going through hell with husbands and families! Mind yourself now, your H and youngest one are big and bold, they can mind themselves for a while, sure they can!

Fernticket · 17/10/2024 12:26

Rosscameasdoody · 17/10/2024 05:23

So OP is suffering from what sounds like a fairly severe form of anxiety and depression, feels the need to shut herself away for a couple of days maybe once or twice a year, and you think that’s abusive and selfish ? She’s lost her mum only a few weeks ago and is about to lose her brother. Yes, living with someone who has anxiety and depression can be difficult, but l would think most families would love and support them, and help out, not just leave them to get on with it, as seems to be happening here. I’d want to shut myself away permanently from a partner who told me to go fuck myself while l was going through such difficult circumstances.

Edited
Show quote history

This. OP, your family seem to expect you to get over your Mum's death in about 5 minutes! This is completely unreasonable of them. Depression is a horrible thing to suffer from. As for your husband, he is the one who should go fuck himself! I wonder if the attitude of him and your daughter is fuelling your depression. As someone who lost their Mum and siblings within a few months of each other I have a very good idea how you feel.💐 In your shoes I would take your other daughter's offer to go and stay with her.

Rosscameasdoody · 17/10/2024 13:41

Can someone please tell me how shutting yourself away for a couple of days a couple of times a year can be viewed as ‘constant’ ? Some posters are berating OP for constantly shutting herself away sand ‘giving her family the silent treatment’ when that’s clearly not the case.

Those people advising OP to see her GP - go back and read her OP. She has said her GP has prescribed meds which keep her on an even keel most of the time. Is MN really telling a woman with MH problems that it’s wrong to take a few days out of a whole year to address her mental health ? Or that it’s wrong to ask a family of grown adults to fend for themselves while she does it ?

Codlingmoths · 17/10/2024 13:46

Rosscameasdoody · 17/10/2024 05:23

So OP is suffering from what sounds like a fairly severe form of anxiety and depression, feels the need to shut herself away for a couple of days maybe once or twice a year, and you think that’s abusive and selfish ? She’s lost her mum only a few weeks ago and is about to lose her brother. Yes, living with someone who has anxiety and depression can be difficult, but l would think most families would love and support them, and help out, not just leave them to get on with it, as seems to be happening here. I’d want to shut myself away permanently from a partner who told me to go fuck myself while l was going through such difficult circumstances.

Edited
Show quote history

Also, they are living with someone with anxiety and depression…. Who’s had the babies and been the breadwinner and also clearly usually done all the cooking and cleaning from her daughters rant. That is totally completely another universe from someone who is being repeatedly carried by their partner. Op, it sounds like you’ve carried him while struggling with your mental health. You have a right to half the house. Go stay with your daughter and work up the energy to see a lawyer and understand your options. He doesn’t just get to decide he will keep the house.

PaminaMozart · 17/10/2024 16:56

@Curly50 - go stay with your sister for a week or two.

Try to clear your head.
Write things down.
Get counselling.
Make a plan.
Get all your financials together.
Read up about the divorce process.
See an experienced solicitor.
Get divorced.
Enjoy your new life.

One step at a time. You can do this.

Dweetfidilove · 17/10/2024 17:07

You have so much going on right now, O can see why you needed a break.

Mental health doesn't improve, however, when you're stuck with nasty people I'm your immediate surroundings, so take the opportunity to visit your daughter. You deserve some space from these people.

I hope the charities recommended upthread can help you to get to a place where you can shake off these deadweights.

Rosscameasdoody · 17/10/2024 19:48

Puffalicious · 17/10/2024 10:46

I agree here. You've had a terrible time with your mum & brother's news, so if this was an isolated incident I agree your DH & DD's responses are very poor, BUT the regular 3 day non-communication would be very, very hard to live with. I wouldn't live with it personally. If my DP did this I'd be saying to get help or I'd be considering my options. That pattern of behaviour is seriously not okay.

Show quote history

Given that OP said it’s about twice a year for two or three days, why do you think this would be hard to live with ? Her family are grown, they can look after themselves, and if this is what op needs to do to look after her mental health why shouldn’t she ?