My husband age 57 told me to go fuck myself

[Curly50]

Hi .I need some advice ,I suffer on and off with depression and the way it affects me is that maybe twice a year I shut down I just go quite and go away to my room and stop for up to 3 days ,I absolutely hate it,I have been to GP and they prescribed medication which seems to keep me balanced for long periods of time. 7 weeks ago my elderly mum passed away and I had cared for her 2 days out of a week for a long time before she died.then a week ago my brother whom I adore age 60 told me he has terminal cancer,I said to my hubby I wasn't feeling great and cud we maybe do breakfast or something as for he previous 2 weeks he was out with his friends at weekends anyhow he said he hadn't the time and was too busy with work.
I felt so exhausted and unmotivated so took myself to my room for 3 days and slept ,I also had bloody sinus infection.
So after taking myself off for 3 days and not communicating with anyone other than I'm OK just don't mind me. The families life went on whilst I tried to deal with my bloody head then I got up showered and tried to start again and was making tea and 1 of my adult children gave me a barrage of abuse probably well deserved about how I only want attention and I don't do anything and I don't clean and don't cook and she isnt going to pay mammy tax of 30 pounds a week anymore becauseshe had to buy toilet rolls and clean kitchen i normally am ok with housework and stuff .i asked my hubby to intervene he said oh u want to talk now go fuck yourself.i tried to explain i cant always control my mental health but think the loss of my mum and sadness at the thoughts of loosing my lovely bro in the next few months probably made me want to be alone etc ,he just was yelling at me and then he and daughter went for a drive.2 of my other adult children told him it was unfair ,he shouted some more and watched tv
What should i do i feel like il have to leave because he wont but am scared any advice would really be appreciated

Wow, that's a lot to cope with. Your daughter and husband have behaved appallingly. You have only just lost your mother and that will be devastating for you. They should be treating you with kindness and compassion not shouting at you.

In your place, I would take my things and go and stay with your elder daughter. You need looking after and space to grieve and come to terms with your brother's news too.

I think you need to consider long term options, but now may not be the right time. Having said that, losing my parent brought my life into very sharp focus and I realised quite quickly that I needed change. I separated from my now ex about 2 1/2 years later. I am now much happier and I no longer have depression or anxiety. In fact, I felt great relief as soon as we separated. It was as if a great weight had lifted.

I really hope you go to your daughter's house and have a good break from the entitled bad tempered dh and younger daughter.

And yes get some counselling to work through your grief and sadness, but also to help you work out what you want from life going forward.

Tbh it sounds like you need a large patio and an alibi.

Your husband should not have sworn at you but in every other respect he and your DD are right

Probably you don’t see it but you need to address your mental health pdq

You cannot afford to imagine that you can be in your bedroom and isolate yourself and not speak to your family and there is no issue

If my mother took herself to her room for three days I wouldn’t be telling her to fuck off and moaning about toilet roll. I’d be making her cups of tea and making sure she’d eaten. I’d be coaxing her out with talks of going out to do things I know she enjoys. I’d be running her a bath and encouraging her to take small steps in coming out. I’d be caring. Because I’m not a fucking monster. How anybody can think the OP is in the wrong in any way is beyond me.

It is worth bearing in mind that your dh and dd have lost a MIL / granny too maybe they are grieving too & perhaps not being able to show as much compassion as they normally do at the moment. Living with depression is hard but it is not much fun either living with some-one with depression and for it to work both sides have to show understanding. I guess it depends how often the depressive episodes happen and how good things are at other times. I don't think it is an admirable character trait but I do get carer fatigue every now and then especially if dh is oblivious that I am having to take up the slack if he is in a bad phase.

OP, ignore this bs.

PP, this is a woman who has provided care for her mother to her death only 7 weeks ago. This woman is grieving. Now she learns her brother has a diagnosis of terminal cancer. She suffers from depression, her family know this, so in these circumstances they should be stepping up to look after her. Not complaining their domestic appliance is faulty in whining about toilet paper and having to clean and cook for themselves. THEY ARE ADULTS ffs!

This is a disgusting take.

You are wrong. Plenty of people never shout. I don't, neither of my parents ever did and my adult kids never shout.

Telling someone to go fuck themselves is obnoxious.

I'm sorry but if my husband had lost his mother id be expecting whole days where he sat alone and mourned. It is natural to grieve. If you had kids under 12 and he was coping alone then Id sympathise with him but he has no one but himself to care for. The least he could do was give a shit.

I think you would find your mental health imporved significantly without him in your life.

Hi OP, I'm sorry for your trouble, you really are going through grief for your mother and now the terrible news about your poor brother!
I'd echo a lot of the advice from PPs, go and stay with your eldest DD for a few days, go and see your GP and ask to be referred for counselling but with the state of the Irish health service, you could be waiting a while, so I recommend a service called "Turn2Me". It's an online counselling service here in Ireland, you get 6 free sessions and do them over the internet, sort of like a FaceTime. Then you can continue as a paying client if you need to and can afford it. I know there are plenty private therapists in Ireland but not everyone has 60 odd Euros a week to spare for them! I sure didn't!
As for your young one giving out about "Mammy tax" and having to buy toilet roll, pity about her! I suspect your H is giving her bad example of how to treat you? I'm glad your eldest one does appreciate you- go and stay with her and get the bit of peace you need , so you can make decisions about what you want to do in the future. Do your H and DD have form for being so unkind and ignorant towards you?

Absolutely this!
OP- go to your daughter’s for some respite. H and D can cope. They’re adults!
Sorry for the loss of your mum

Oh please.

if the OP habitually isolates herself from her family when she has depressive episodes then it would go a long way to explaining the reaction of her husband and daughter

Depression and grief are normal reactions and most people are understanding but having recurrent episodes of not talking or isolating yourself will inevitably lead to poorer relationships with the family

Getting real about the effect of living with someone who is repeatedly like this is important and it’s easy to say for someone who does not live with it that’s unfair or unreasonable

Yes I'm acutely aware depression when in it feels incredibly selfish when you are in it ,and I'm acutely aware of what it is and can do to a family ,but rather than thinking only of themselves I find as someone who suffers with the dam thing that I just can't function when it happens, I wish I could but can't, complete exhaustion ,apathy ,self loathing and irrational thoughts and primarily huge guilt because I cannot be what I should be ,but for people to think it's abuse ,which is an intentional act is so sad but I take it on board thank u

Op I think your husband has checked out and your daughter sounds immature

remove yourself from this situation and go and see your other daughter

and also think about your future

recurring depression can keep you right where you are and if you stay you may never escape it

one life you have

Yes but I'm inclined normally to let it go as last time was few yrs ago

No absolutely not.

I’m saying we all deal with MH issues in different ways.

Some people go quiet (like OP) and some shout.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief or MH because we aren’t doing it consciously.

But unless there is a back story or he shouts at her often, then I wouldn’t end the relationship over this one outburst like PPs are suggesting.

We all struggle sometimes and I think unless there is a back story, OP moving out and ending the relationship is not going to be the best thing for her when she’s already dealing with so much.

I would let this slide because none of us are perfect.

@Curly50 - It seems to me that you are responding only to posters who are critical of you and not taking on board the many women who are supporting you and understanding of you. (Do I imagine a huge helping of Catholic guilt here?) I am so sorry that you are suffering like this and I urge you to look after yourself and be as understanding and kind to yourself as I am sure you would be to a friend or a daughter of yours who was suffering in the same way. Please, take the first step and go and stay with your eldest daughter and let her take care of you, the same way you've been taking care of your own mother all this time.

Cut yourself some slack.

Your mammy has died and the only other person to share this feeling has terminal cancer.

Your daughter is a little entitled madame and your husband is just a dirtbird.

Pack your shit a months worth and go to your daughters. Your already brave. You cared for your mammy and you now need to build your strength to help your brother and his family.

Take any help your other children want to give.

Also what kind of knob is your husband out with mates when his wife's mammy has just died and your brother is terminal stop looking at what you're doing wrong. Look at what they are doing wrong.

Start opening your mouth. Stop being scared and yes it's easy find that grief and strength and give the fuckers what for.

But seriously pack your bags and go to your daughter and turn your phone off. And have you ever thought your depression wouldn't be this bad if your husband wasn't such a cockwomble.

Stop putting your self down your stronger than you know.

I agree

Point taken onboard thank u

😆 oh

This is exactly how I see it too!

The OP not cooking for 3 days?

How very dare she??

She's been the main breadwinner for years. She's brough up her family and she's nursed her mother who she's just lost. She may lose her brother

And she shut herself away for 3 days? It's a wonder she hasn't had a complete breakdown

She's living with two very selfish, unkind people

She needs to get herself to the doctor for some help then she needs to evaluate whether she can continue to live with those awful people

But before going to stay with her other daughter I'd make sure I'd secured any precious items and paperwork because I wouldn't trust them not to go through them

Bless you OP, I think sometimes people don't understand proper depression. When I was a teenager, I didn't fully understand my mums depression because it had always been there and just assumed she was having a pity party and couldn't understand why she acted that way.

As I'm older and wiser, I very much regret feeling and saying awful things towards her. I'm not saying the way they act towards you it okay but they are probably very naive.

Maybe stay with your other daughter for a bit to get away from the atmosphere. Sorry about the lost of your mum and terrible news of your brother