My husband age 57 told me to go fuck myself

[Curly50]

Hi .I need some advice ,I suffer on and off with depression and the way it affects me is that maybe twice a year I shut down I just go quite and go away to my room and stop for up to 3 days ,I absolutely hate it,I have been to GP and they prescribed medication which seems to keep me balanced for long periods of time. 7 weeks ago my elderly mum passed away and I had cared for her 2 days out of a week for a long time before she died.then a week ago my brother whom I adore age 60 told me he has terminal cancer,I said to my hubby I wasn't feeling great and cud we maybe do breakfast or something as for he previous 2 weeks he was out with his friends at weekends anyhow he said he hadn't the time and was too busy with work.
I felt so exhausted and unmotivated so took myself to my room for 3 days and slept ,I also had bloody sinus infection.
So after taking myself off for 3 days and not communicating with anyone other than I'm OK just don't mind me. The families life went on whilst I tried to deal with my bloody head then I got up showered and tried to start again and was making tea and 1 of my adult children gave me a barrage of abuse probably well deserved about how I only want attention and I don't do anything and I don't clean and don't cook and she isnt going to pay mammy tax of 30 pounds a week anymore becauseshe had to buy toilet rolls and clean kitchen i normally am ok with housework and stuff .i asked my hubby to intervene he said oh u want to talk now go fuck yourself.i tried to explain i cant always control my mental health but think the loss of my mum and sadness at the thoughts of loosing my lovely bro in the next few months probably made me want to be alone etc ,he just was yelling at me and then he and daughter went for a drive.2 of my other adult children told him it was unfair ,he shouted some more and watched tv
What should i do i feel like il have to leave because he wont but am scared any advice would really be appreciated

is this a pattern of behaviour with your DH
or had she just reached his limit and snapped

You sound absolutely drained op. Go to your dds for as long as you need. Sleep as much as you need to.i line up some counselling in the meantime. Don’t make any big decisions now. I couldn’t stay with a msn like this, your mother has just died of course you sre sad and depressed, anyone would be.

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd what a load of claptrap. She wasn't around him, giving him the silent treatment, she was in her room where she could cope. He was probably angry the domestic appliance had broken, like her daughter. And she didn't expect them to be chatty?? She was preparing food/drinks and her daughter started in on her, she asked her husband for help. I don't know what your chats are like but that's not a chat to me.

Living with someone with depression is exhausting, because depression is an incredibly selfish condition where the person suffering has only themselves in mind.

This can bugger off because it's discriminatory shite. Yeah, that can be true. It is absolutely not always true and it's fucking offensive for you to say it is.

Oh gosh poor diddums had to COOK AND CLEAN for HIMSELF

She is fucking grieving get over yourself a real partner would have supported her he would have gone for breakfast with her and listened too her instead she gets ignored so she deals with it herself alone then she gets abused ffs

This is really harsh, OP is grieving, she is looking down the barrel of losing her brother. Why should she keep cooking and cleaning for others? Why is she not allowed to retreat for a bit. She’s not a servant.

In a loving home if thats how one person copes then the spouse is supposed to say something like “don’t worry love, you get some rest and when you are ready you come back out”. I had a horrible cold recently and took to my bed for 2 days over a weekend and Dh just took care of everything. I would do the same if he needed me to. If this was my DH I’d be worried about him but I would leave him in peace and just pop my head around the door to make sure he’s eating and does he want a cup of tea.

There are no small children in the house, they are all capable of cooking and cleaning themselves.

We all cope with things differently and this is how OP copes with things. It’s not comfortable for everyone when someone withdraws and stops talking but I would be leaving her to it with a quick hug here and there.

OP have you posted about your DH telling you to F off before?
Have you ever been diagnosed with PTSD before or have you ever had significant previous significant trauma? These can cause a sufferer to freeze and become very withdrawn. For anyone having a go at you, you can’t help it and need help. You aren’t going it on purpose.

Also many a woman works, cooks and cleans for way more than 3 days at a time without suffering a MH crisis. We are talking about adults here. There are no actual children in the house. We are talking about a bunch of adults expected to cook and clean for themselves (as they should already be doing) for 3 days. It is ridiculous that they can’t manage that.

I have definitely gone through patches where I haven’t cooked or cleaned for 3 days. Nothing awful happened.

You poor thing. I don’t have depression but I think losing my mum and getting the news about a sibling would also affect me badly within that time period. Be kind to yourself, it is an appropriate and normal way to react to such circumstances. Your DH and younger daughter are being very selfish.

I find this unbelievable. His lack of empathy is astounding.

My dh occasionally has episodes where he needs to withdraw. I usually tell him to take his time, we'll be there when he gets back.

It's really not such a big deal for us, compared to what he is going through at the time. I wish he would allow us to support him by talking to him about he's going through, but that doesn't work for him, he just needs to be alone. Fair enough.

I think you will get a lot of criticism for this comment but you make some good points. The OP does seem to be unwell (and in need of help) and it is having a huge impact on her family. Withdrawals like this can be a form of emotional abuse (particularly when a parent withdraws from their children) and it sounds as if that is how the family is experiencing these periods when the OP shuts herself away for days and won’t speak. Everyone is suffering here and they are reaching the end of their tether.

Are you seriously suggesting because he had to cook/clean for 3 days, this would result in him having MH issues? Dear God, I must be needing a straitjacket and a padded cell then…

You say your youngest is 19. And has issues with keeping a house in check and buying toilet roll for 3 days?! Seriously! And that is with the help of her father. Just for 3 days!

For what he said, he was hurt you did not talk to him. Not good and he used horrible words, but they were on the silence for the 3 days. Not on you taking time off or not doing the housework.
Your DD..... not good. Not good at all. She is rather inmature for a 19 year old.

Just write to them how you felt during these 3 days, how bad things are with recent loss and your DB terminal cancer, plus you felt physically sick, on top of it. And you needed some rest to process it all.

It is not easy to be dismissed when someone in your close circle is down. It makes you feel unwanted. It takes a lot of maturity to stay calm and focus on the other person and their need for space. Neither your DH or your DD seem to have it. But neither you dealt with this properly. You should have told them, including the sinusitis. Natural thing would be that they come to cuddle and comfort you. Somehow, they seem to have felt rejected. It is lack of good clear communication, I think.
And you are thinking of leaving your husband because of this, so maybe they do indeed have a good reason to feel rejected? At least it is part of a pattern where he shows no care for you at all, I think you need to gather control of your thinking and emotions, then look at this again.

Since the " kid" is 19 that's crap...the pair of them are capable of looking after themselves.

If this happens periodically they should know the routine and duration. How difficult is it to understand.

No, withdrawals caused by someone needing to take care of themselves are not a form of emotional abuse!

Unexplained withdrawal can be emotionally damaging for children, it is up to the other parent to explain that it is due to the withdrawing parent's needs rather than due to the children themselves, in which case they are perfectly able to cope with it. 'Mum/Dad needs a bit of time to herself and we'll work together to make that possible' is not something that will damage even a young child, let alone a teen or young adult.

Mumsnet at his finest. If you’re ill for three days and don’t cook and do the housework, your DH and adult child will suffer mental health issues and actually, you being ill in the first place is selfish and abusive.

OP sorry for you loss. You have been through and going through a lot.
Sounds like you run after the rest of the family all the time then they don't like it when you are not doing it.

Tell them not to speak to you like that. Tell your daughter if she can find somewhere else for £30 per week she is welcome to go.

I would go and stay with your other daughter. Let them get on with it.
Also as another poster said you are entitled to at least half of everything.
Good advice here on seeing the GP and websites to get help.

Sadly some people aren't very understanding about depression and how it hits different people in different ways. The very fact that your mum died so recently is reason enough for your husband and daughter to show some compassion. My mum died over a year ago and I still have big problems coming to terms with it. Like you, I was her carer and I honestly think it adds an extra layer of complexity to the grief. It's intense looking after someone and can affect every area of your life, including relationships with your family. Definitely go and stay with the lovely daughter who clearly understands you. Give yourself time and space to heal. I'm sorry about your mum and your brother

@Curly50 - I am so sorry to hear about your mother's recent death and your lovely brother's terminal diagnosis. I echo the advice here to put yourself first, see your doctor and ask for help and counselling and take yourself off to stay with your sensible, helpful, understanding eldest daughter. If you feel you need and want to, I would also suggest getting a solicitor's advice about a potential separation and/or divorce. Thinking of you, I feel so sad on your behalf, I hope you can get the help you need.

OP, it's entirely normal for you to be suffering so close to your DM death. I am astounded that your DH and DD treated you like that, it's disgusting. They are both adults, they both know you suffer from depression, they both know your mother died very recently and now your brother has a cancer diagnosis. That is SO MUCH to deal with. Then they have the gall to complain that you stayed in your room for 3 days and they had to cook and clean for themselves? why tf did neither of them show empathy and consideration? IMO they should have been checking on you, supporting you, giving you cuddles and food while you clearly grieved.

They appear to be treating you like a domestic appliance. Unacceptable.

Take up the offer of staying with your older DD. Take some time to start the grieving process. I'd then sit the ones remaining in the house down and lay down some ground rules, use the words "domestic appliance", point out they're all adults and quite capable of cooking and cleaning for themselves. IMO each adult in a home should be doing an equal amount of work to keep the home running.

I'd stop doing anything for them at all and go back to work. But hey, I'm a hard ass bitch and ridiculously independent.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. If you are finding decision making difficult at the moment, and the way forward isn't clear, can you just take some time for yourself? Try and look after yourself, see GP, counselling, get outside, try and eat well, one foot in front of the other, either at home or at your daughter's. Then maybe things will look a little clearer?

Go and stay with your daughter. Start divorce proceedings. Your husband and younger daughter sound absolutely awful. I am so sorry for your loss and your brother's illness.
You need a long term plan though. Staying with your eldest dd should be just a stepping stone.

Please ignore this post. It's a load of rubbish OP and probably from one of the men who frequent this site to wind us up.

TBH I'm not sure you even have depression. At least not the type that continually affects others. I think you get burn out from looking after everyone and being bullied by your family. Getting counselling is a good idea as is doing the Freedom Programme and staying with your daughter.

Incidentally normal grief can cause people to need extra rest and time out.

This.

1 of my adult children gave me a barrage of abuse probably well deserved about how I only want attention and I don't do anything and I don't clean and don't cook and she isnt going to pay mammy tax of 30 pounds a week anymore becauseshe had to buy toilet rolls and clean kitchen i normally am ok with housework and stuff
It wasn't deserved at all and your DC should stop behaving like a spoilt brat and grow up. I'd say this even without everything that you have going on. All adults should be contributing and doing things like buying loo roll and cleaning the kitchen. If you're an adult and your mum's just lost her mum and found out her brother has terminal cancel you pitch in and you support her and you do what needs doing because you're glad to be of some little help in such a hard time. Or at least thats how any half decent person behaves.

Whatever has gone on in your marriage before now doesnt make your husband's behaviour less appalling. I'd treat my abusive XH better than that if he lost his mum. If you do decide to stay put for the moment, when you're feeling a little better please don't jump in and start doing everything for them both again, they don't deserve it and it's past time they both grew up and acted like adults. I do think at some stage your life needs some major changes, like losing the dick head husband, but you probably need go be in a better place to deal with all of that. I think going to stay with your eldest would be a good idea. You've been caring for others, you need someone to look after you for a change.