Have you ever withheld stuff from partner

[namechangerforthisoneplease]

Yes I'm aware its not a normal thing to do in a relationship and it's not something I always do but there are certain times the most innocent of things cause my partner to overthink or come up with accusations or say rude things or become so enraged or give total silent treatment for days, that sometimes I find it better to not tell him certain things that I know will set off an argument. He doesn't argue in a healthy way, he can say some nasty things that sometimes cut to the core. Or for example if he has an opinion on something and I may not agree with it I don't argue my case or go into depth on it because he can be so hard to communicate with. I would say he's a very black and white way of thinking.
I have something that I know I should communicate to him about but I'm worried to do it. Worried about him blowing up and a huge argument happening. I'm no good with confrontation or sticking up for myself. And I always come away from the situation blaming myself. This is something I should be able to say "oh by the way this happened yesterday" and tell him the story but I can already hear his response and reaction and it's not good. Im made feel like I'm a liar and untrustworthy but I've tried explaining to him I became the way I did because of his reactions and the way he handles things. And because I already know the response I'm going to get I already don't want to disclose it with him but if I don't and he happens to find out I'm called a liar and untrustworthy again. I hate living like this. I just want to be able to be open and honest with him but over the yrs and experiences I learned that I'm damned if I do tell him, damned if I don't and he hears the info. I just wish he was easier to communicate with, that I didn't feel this total anxiety in me about telling him something and wondering how will he take this, what's he going to say etc....
For example if I was in a grocery shop and let's say Andrew a guy we both know to speak to says hello how are you etc
If I told my partner oh I ran into Andrew at the shops I was speaking to him briefly....
9 times out of 10 the response would be
Why were you chatting to him, how long were you chatting, then it would lead to him sulking or silent treatment OR going on the defence and saying hurtful things. Just making something out of nothing! Therefore sometimes I found it better to just not say about saying hello to someone even if it was the most innocent thing. It saved the bs!! But then it annoys me because I know I haven't done a damn thing wrong and I should be able to disclose normal things without him making stupid assumptions.
I dont know what to do... Hes told me if he doesn't get full honesty from me then he's calling quits on our marriage and I understand what he's saying I do feel like a liar or untrustworthy BUT I've actually nothing to hide, it's simply because of his shitty reactions and how it all makes me feel that sometimes I think its best to say nothing because it is nothing, but I don't want to be seen as this untrustworthy person anymore in his eyes, I want to be open but I know the reaction this is going to cause for me

Mate relationships aren't supposed to be like this, this sounds utterly miserable. He's controlling and abusive and he's got you well and truly running on his hamster wheel.

You should respect yourself enough to want better than this abusive car crash of a marriage. How easy would it be for you to leave, do you have kids? This is truly no way to live.

There is no solution other than leaving.
He is jealous & insecure & abuses you to control you.

Honestly I think it’s time to call it quits yourself.

I know my husband wouldn’t be happy if I was hiding things from him and then he found out later, he probably would think I was untrustworthy, but the difference is I know I can tell my husband anything and he would never react in the way you describe. He is my rock, we confide everything in each other, neither of us has ever given the other any reason to have doubts or worries, and I’d say we are both pretty good communicators even if/when one of us is angry.

I’d walk away from this, life really shouldn’t be this hard.

I've questioned if it's controlling or abusive but I also know I'm part to blame because I do withhold things if I know the reaction or thinking space it might set off esp when I know its absolutely nothing he should be worried about. I also know it's not normal. We're a fantastic couple together bar this crap which is why I want to show him I can disclose stuff to him because I know its normal stuff its just however his mind adds 1 and 1 together and comes up with 36. And before I know it he's making out that the situation is something completely different from what it is! I do it to save the bs... its not because I've anything to actually hide like cheating or someone flirting with me etc but these are the assumptions he jumps to when it's not the case. I love him dearly, I've been with him over 15 years and we've 2 children. He's my rock my best friend I love him but I'm fed up with being called untrustworthy but I know when I do bring up or tell him certain things how it will blow up. I feel like I can't win

What happens if you go on a night out with friends and you chat to a man, does he make you feel bad or stop you going out in the first place.

My love you're not to blame at all for the things you withhold to protect yourself from his abuse. You're doing it because of how he's reacted in the past - and that's why he does it, so he can blame you for him abusing you.

Every horrible relationship like this I see posted on here people always say "but we're a fantastic couple otherwise" or "he's great apart from this" No. Nothing about this is fantastic. Your marriage is awful, and no amount of loveliness outside the abuse makes it a fantastic marriage because it's an abusive marriage. There's no such thing as a fantastic abusive marriage. You're doing your children absolutely no favours modelling this as a normal relationship to them.

If someone offered you an incredible, delicious sandwich that's 95% prime, perfect ingredients and 5% dog shit would you still eat it because apart from the dog shit it's a fantastic sandwich?

Why not start the conversation with - "I know you are going to sulk for a week you big fucking baby - but"
Maybe he'll get the message!

And I think the thing that annoys me is that he's basically correct. If I look at things from his perspective I would agree with him, I do tend to keep certain things (again I've not done anything wrong as in flirting or chatting up men, even the thought of that repulsed me, I love my husband) but its how his mind jumps to worse case scenario or he says I'm disrespecting him by taking on a conversation or being "too friendly" to other men, I'm not overly friendly I'd call it polite I treat women the same way. I don't understand how saying hello how are you with a smile back means I'm a flirt or I want to jump on someone. I cant get it through to him that I only have eyes for my husband. I avoid telling him things so I don't set of that insecurity because I know I haven't done anything. When we argue I'm always the first to apologise for not telling him these things and admitting my fault and my blame and promise to not do it again, but then another situation comes about and I can feel the anxiety in me of oh shit here we go again. So technically he's right, if I didn't hide things then it shows him I can be honest but when I do tell him I'm up against this sort of behaviour over absolutely nothing. I wish he'd stop with all this insecurity over me, I wish he'd stop jumping to the most messed up conclusions and getting nasty. I just want to be able to tell him something honestly and for him to not blow a fuse. He's not abusive as in violent or anything like that. It's more the atmosphere and tension and things he says.. But then again he's right in feeling that I'm untrustworthy. I understand his view I wish he could see mine

Perfect 👌

@Bananalanacake I stopped going out a long time ago because nights out would end in a disaster. Yes if another man spoke to me most times he'd be very jealous, other times not so much. I stopped doing girls nights because again the accusations and I felt like he was more important to me than random nights out with my friends. Yes I lost my friends over doing that. But I wouldn't have been trusted on a night out alone . He's never said I don't want you going out or I can't go out etc but I'd be dealing with silent treatment, or ignorance from him that I then just wouldn't want to go because I knew what it set off and that he'd leave me. He meant more to be. I was trying to prove that to him. I understand how pathetic that all sounds. But I done that in my mid 20s with him I'm now in my 30s and it just became a way of life for me. It saved any arguments over nothing.. Looking back I realise I lost my 20s to his insecurities but him and making a life with him was more important to me. I genuinely love him to pieces so that's why I get so annoyed with his hurtful way of thinking and accusations. I've no interest in anyone else.

You are not lying. You havent told him Andrew was in the shop. Its not the same thing

You are in no way to blame! He is controlling and that is abuse.
Please take to a womens support service and get help to leave him.

Dear Op - sometimes I keep things from my husband, usually because I’m not ready to talk about it, never because I’m afraid of his reaction. Because if I find myself afraid of my partner, it’s not a healthy relationship. By the way, if my dh finds out something I hadn’t told him, his first reaction is compassion - he wishes I could have shared a burden, but he understands why I didn’t or couldn’t.

you are in an abusive relationship. Please start putting yourself first x

Literally read thay again as of it was another poster wrotting it. What advice would you give.

You are in such a controlling relationship.....

I would run for the hills personally

@Mix56 yes but that's not how he portrays it all back to me. After an argument I'm left feeling guilty and the person who's causing all the trouble in our relationship because I can't ne honest. An example he will say is "well if it's nothing to worry about then you should be able to tell me about it instead of not telling me and hiding it"
And all I can think is he's 100% correct.
But he doesn't understand how he jumps to every conclusion and then turns into a really hateful person. I've given him examples of when I've disclosed something and how he jumped the gun I've tried saying it's from experiences I've had with you that sometimes I feel uncomfortable talking about certain things.
He doesn't get it!! The blame is just always still on me and what I've done wrong and then he'll throw up other times I've done this and I'm left feeling like a piece of shit , that he's completely right because I could've saved myself hassle by just being honest. I understand his point view. He just cannot understand mine or look at his behaviour of is she right, do I jump at her too soon, do I say nasty things to hurt her, I'd just like him to accept he's part of the reason I'm doing this. He makes me feel like I'm the abusive one I'm the shitty one. I always accept the blame and apologise

He’s not your rock or your best friend.

Hes controlled you and beaten you down for so long that you think he is.

I've questioned if it's controlling or abusive but I also know I'm part to blame because I do withhold things if I know the reaction or thinking space it might set off esp when I know its absolutely nothing he should be worried about.

You are trying to protect yourself from his unreasonable reactions to <re-reads thread> you going out for the evening or talking to a man you know in the supermarket. You are limiting your life, e.g. by not going out, because you fear his reaction. Fear shouldn't be part of your relationship.

You need to leave him.

He's abusive. It's not right that you're living in fear like this.

You're not in a fantastic relationship. You're not with a good man. You're in an abusive relationship where you have to constantly tiptoe around for fear of setting off his rages. You don't go out with your friends, you keep secrets, all to try to appease an utter cunt of a man.

You'll never manage it. You cannot appease him, he will never trust you. This will never get better.

The only way to improve your life is to leave him.

You're not to blame at all. He sounds awful and not like any best friend I'd like to have. You say partner - you're not married then? I would thinking about leaving. I know it's not easy with kids, but this sounds miserable.

Oh honey, just seen your message saying you're in your 30s! So young, you can't waste any more time on this asshole. Are your children young? I'm guessing so. I understand how scary this must be. Are you frightened of him? It sound like you are x

That gaslighting, stonewalling abusive arsehole has got you walking on eggshells, doubting yourself, and changing perfectly reasonable behaviour. He ticks so many abuse boxes it’s unreal.

He’s not your rock. Rocks support you. He undermines you.

hrs not your best friend. Friends lift you up. He puts you down.

Yeah, you are in an abusive relationship and so am I, but I'm further along than you because I've been in mine for 30 years. I finally recognise mine for what it is though, although it took years, and have plans to leave.
I did finally have enough of being accused of dumb shit all the time in the way you describe, before I recognised his behaviour as abuse. So I started turning it back on him because I got sick to the back teeth of always being in the wrong and always being on the defence. I stopped defending myself and instead said things like "So that's the way you behave is it? When you see Susan in the supermarket and say hello, it means you want to fuck her does it? So I can't trust you to go out without me is what you are saying? You are admitting that you can't be trusted, because you clearly think in the way you have just described about me and Andrew?".
He was visibly shocked the first time I did this, but couldn't really argue against it, because as I pointed out to him, the suggestion of inappropriate behaviour was from him, so it must be how he thinks of behaving himself.
It's not hard to turn dumb accusations back on them to give yourself some breathing space, but it's not a strategy for a successful, long term loving relationship.
Plan to leave, before you waste as much of your life as I have on the arsehole I am married to, because that's what your husband is.

I'm a very soft person and very understanding. I see his view on things which is why I'm being hard on myself. I feel sick at the thought of telling him this thing.. To anyone else they'd say why on earth are you worried about telling your partner that, that's how totally innocent it is 😢 but I just don't want that tension with him, I'm really bad at this sort of stuff which probably isn't healthy from my side. I tend to curl up in a ball and cry I'm very soft and quiet. I don't want to have drama when I don't need to have drama. But if I don't tell him this and someone else does I've proved I'm dishonest again.
I believe if he was to tell his version of things I'd sound like a horrible person, but no one would understand I had reasons to withhold the most stupidest of things. When you don't understand why I felt the need to just not talk about certain things it just looks like he's correct. Who'd want to be with someone who can't tell you the most innocent thing of Andrew came over to ask how the kids were and how you were etc.... if I can hide that then I must be hiding much bigger things... Thats how its portrayed back to me by him rather than listening to how I feel about it all and maybe trying not to explode or jump to conclusions!! I'm probably gaslighting myself a lot here as well.
I understand he gets triggered but it's how he behaves when he's triggered is the problem and the reason I feel so anxious talking about certain subjects. How else can I make him see this