Have you ever withheld stuff from partner

[namechangerforthisoneplease]

Yes I'm aware its not a normal thing to do in a relationship and it's not something I always do but there are certain times the most innocent of things cause my partner to overthink or come up with accusations or say rude things or become so enraged or give total silent treatment for days, that sometimes I find it better to not tell him certain things that I know will set off an argument. He doesn't argue in a healthy way, he can say some nasty things that sometimes cut to the core. Or for example if he has an opinion on something and I may not agree with it I don't argue my case or go into depth on it because he can be so hard to communicate with. I would say he's a very black and white way of thinking.
I have something that I know I should communicate to him about but I'm worried to do it. Worried about him blowing up and a huge argument happening. I'm no good with confrontation or sticking up for myself. And I always come away from the situation blaming myself. This is something I should be able to say "oh by the way this happened yesterday" and tell him the story but I can already hear his response and reaction and it's not good. Im made feel like I'm a liar and untrustworthy but I've tried explaining to him I became the way I did because of his reactions and the way he handles things. And because I already know the response I'm going to get I already don't want to disclose it with him but if I don't and he happens to find out I'm called a liar and untrustworthy again. I hate living like this. I just want to be able to be open and honest with him but over the yrs and experiences I learned that I'm damned if I do tell him, damned if I don't and he hears the info. I just wish he was easier to communicate with, that I didn't feel this total anxiety in me about telling him something and wondering how will he take this, what's he going to say etc....
For example if I was in a grocery shop and let's say Andrew a guy we both know to speak to says hello how are you etc
If I told my partner oh I ran into Andrew at the shops I was speaking to him briefly....
9 times out of 10 the response would be
Why were you chatting to him, how long were you chatting, then it would lead to him sulking or silent treatment OR going on the defence and saying hurtful things. Just making something out of nothing! Therefore sometimes I found it better to just not say about saying hello to someone even if it was the most innocent thing. It saved the bs!! But then it annoys me because I know I haven't done a damn thing wrong and I should be able to disclose normal things without him making stupid assumptions.
I dont know what to do... Hes told me if he doesn't get full honesty from me then he's calling quits on our marriage and I understand what he's saying I do feel like a liar or untrustworthy BUT I've actually nothing to hide, it's simply because of his shitty reactions and how it all makes me feel that sometimes I think its best to say nothing because it is nothing, but I don't want to be seen as this untrustworthy person anymore in his eyes, I want to be open but I know the reaction this is going to cause for me

At @Attelina you'll never understand unless you are in that position.
I was a strong woman before him, successful, confident, happy.. This all slowly built up with a person I made an entire life with. He's also not this bad person all the time. I don't spend every day having arguments like this. I do understand you're point of view put its not really a helpful one. I'm glad you've never been in this position to understand where I'm at. I cant help that I fell in love with someone and this is the dynamics years down the line. I didnt see it coming and when I did notice anything I was in the thick of it and so was my heart because this man became my home. Yes I understand you're seeing him as a shitty person I do too in moments or I wouldn't be on here talking about it.
I was strong once upon a time until I give my heart completely to someone. IMy relationship isn't a shitshow all the time, it's probably why I'm finding it hard to leave and questioning myself because I do actually love this person. You are lucky you've never experienced anything like this

@Attelina What a load of bullshit, you have absolutely no idea how this kind of treatment can develop over time, how they can just chip away at your armour to leave you doubting everything you know is true.

Your reply really isn’t helpful in any way. I’m over a decade out of my abusing marriage which was exactly the same and you’ve managed to make me feel like absolute shit, never mind how you’re making the OP feel. If you can’t be supportive, say nothing.!

It’s not you it’s HIM. You are doing nothing wrong.

I don’t tell my husband everything cos there is no need but he would never yell at me about who I spoke to or make accusations or sulk.

I went through this thread praying there wasn't any kids in this shit show of a marriage, to find there is a boy who's being trained up to be like this specimen. Poor buggers future partner doesn't stand a chance.

Please read 'It's not you', by Dr Ramani, and watch some of her videos on YouTube. It really isn't you. He will not change, so you need to find some way of leaving. My stbxh also threatened divorce over something minor. I've grasped that offer with both hands. Grey rock/radical acceptance. Sending you strength.

He's my rock my best friend
you've an odd idea of what a friend is, he is not your friend. He's a controlling abusive man, leave and enjoy the rest of your life.

I see you're twisting yourself in knots trying to work out how to get him to understand your position. The thing is with these people is that you can't explain your position because they don't want to understand you.

The only way to survive these people is to stop trying to justify yourself, stop believing that you have to be perfect in order to not be abused, put the pieces of this horrible jigsaw down and walk away.

Sorry if I've missed it but I'm not sure if you work or not, I'm guessing not as that would involve having to talk and socialise with people, even go to leaving drinks and Christmas parties. So I'm guessing you're a SAHM as you need to look after the DC, you still need time to yourself to do what you want though.

When I asked the question about going out I knew exactly what your answer would be, that it would be he hasn't told you not to go out but he makes it so difficult for you that you don't bother, he has you where he wants you.

If you were to decide you want to join a book club or go to a pub quiz once a week the thought of telling him you want to go out once a week fills you with dread so you just won't do it. Do you see family or has he cut you off from them too.

Before I met DH I did a hobby that attracts more men than women and I have male friends who I often meet up with, DH says, 'that's nice, you enjoy yourself' he is a normal loving husband who encourages me to have time to do my own thing.

I think deep down you know you shouldn't have to defend yourself for having a quick chat with a man, you asked for help here so you know it's wrong. I hope you get things sorted out to leave.

There isn't a magic set of words that will make him understand where you're coming from, because, crucially, his behaviour gives him what he wants.

He wants a stick to beat you with, emotionally. You're running around trying to placate and soothe him, he is the permanently offended "victim" in need of your attention.

He wants to control you, and it has worked, because you don't go on nights out and you worry about how you interact with other people and limit your social life.

I'm sure things are great between you when you're doing what he wants.

I was you.
It got worse, picking fights at my brother's wedding, because I was making polite convo with the bride's brother. (Complete stranger/ married.)
I ended up leaving early, rather than dancing & celebrating with my family.
He also didnt didn't like my outfit.. Why ? Because I looked great
Then he wanted sex when we got back to the hotel....Like really ?

As the kids got older, I decided I would go & join a tennis club & play for an hour once a week, to do some sport & keep fit... you know where this is going.....

I took the kids away skiing with their ski club for a week end with the other kids & parents, he had to come he diesnt ski

He objected to me going home to my home country, to visit family & friends because he didnt want me to have time to see how unhappy & downtrodden he made me

He built a house & didn't want a spare room, because he didnt want any of my family or friends visiting from the UK

Accusing me of affairs. He actually knew who my OM was... he wasn't, he was just a divorced nan at the tennis club

No amount of explanation will make your vile bully believe the truth. He doesn't really even think you are looking for male attention.
The focus is HIM.
only HIM.
You cannot fix this. Dont be me.

Do you & the kids look forward to him coming home?
Do you dance in the kitchen?
Buy yourself Daffodils because it makes you happy?
Do you cook mostly meals he likes?
Have your hobbies & habits changed to fit with what he likes?
Do you have long convos at home with friends, when he is there?
Do you go out with the girls?
Does he sulk when you have a work meal ?
Does he like your family?

OP this is one of the sadest things I've read on MN. 😔

The only thing that MIGHT make this man feel secure is you never leaving the house,EVER !

Then he'll probably accuse you of fancying men on TV.

Then he'll accuse you of fancying men online.

Then he'll accuse you of looking out the windows at other men.

Nothing you do or say will ever change him.
He's convinced you he loves you so much that his behaviour is normal.....but its not.

Unfortunately, you've decided he's right and you're to blame.

Such a shame your children will grow up to see their Mum treated like this.

absolutely this !

Well yeah, if you put yourself in the shoes of thinking 'If I were a Nazi...', all the racist, eugenicist and Anti-Semitic shit they came up with to justify the wholesale, industrialised murder of millions of people makes sense.

Doesn't make you a Nazi, it's literally what we are taught in school, how to decipher people's thoughts and reasoning - 'why do you think Macbeth said this?', 'How did Othello's attitude towards his wife change after Iago spoke to him?', 'Write a persuasive letter to a Head Teacher as though you are a 57 year old accountant from Tring who is fed up with school parents parking across her driveway to drop their children off at school'.

You've done exactly the same in trying to understand the thought processes behind an abusive prick. Doesn't mean he's right though, does it?

You can not and won't ever win this one, because the goalposts will continue to shift. You won't ever get it right, or be good enough, because it's an illusion.

the most innocent of things cause my partner to overthink or come up with accusations or say rude things or become so enraged or give total silent treatment for days

You didn't need to say another word past this, this says it all. This is not a healthy dynamic. You can sit in it for as long as you like, doing the dance until there's nothing of you left, or you can leave and get it over with.

Leave. End it. It's not normal. Stop trying to work out why, that's not your business. Put your energy into working out why you're putting up with being treated this way instead.

Op, are you actually reading any of the replies??

Why do you need to tell him who you saw in the supermarket in the first place? It's hardly riveting conversation. Or is he quizzing you?

No, no, no. None of this is your fault. You are being manipulated and controlled. He's very, very good at it and you are so deep in it, that you cannot see it. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. He reacts badly to perfectly innocuous things. You don't want to upset/trigger him, so to avoid that you don't tell him everything. He can then accuse you of withholding and make out its all you. It isn't, it's him. It's all him.

He wants you to think it's you though, because that gives him power over you. You doubt yourself, you don't go out, you worry about his reactions, etc etc etc. He controls you, you are right where he wants you at the end of the strings and he is the puppetmaster.

Get hold of Lundy Bancroft's book - Why does he do that? It will explain it to you far better than I can.

Someone who loves you does not do this. The only person he cares for is himself. I'm sorry this is happening to you, it is shit, but things can and do get better once you leave. Seven years out for me and life is good and happy.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

@namechangerforthisoneplease op you are a victim .
It’s hard to accept and see but sadly you are .
You are the victim in a manipulating , controlling abusive relationship .

Jesus Christ. Can I tag someone who isn’t on the post, yet? I’m not even sure where to start with this one, so sending out a bat signal for @Watchkeys.

You MUST know that what you’re describing is an abusive relationship, OP.

What do you love about this person?

How else can I make him see this

You don't. You walk away. You are not responsible for parenting this manchild.

in every other sense we actually are good together.

Other than that minor issue of him abusing you, you’re great together. Other than you feeling sick with dread over simple things and being unable to go out anywhere, other than that it’s all great. And non of that matters because you probably deserve to be abused since you randomly ran into Andrew at the shops and didn’t immediately call dh to ‘confess’ it all to him.

youre bending over backwards to blame
yourself and minimise his wrongdoings

He's also not this bad person all the time.

Read up on how alternating reward and punishment causes traumatic bonding. He shouldn't be "this bad person" any of the time.

Look, @namechangerforthisoneplease , I've not read the whole thread - I've not even read all your many, very lengthy posts. Because the following is all anyone needs to know:

there are certain times the most innocent of things cause my partner to overthink or come up with accusations or say rude things or become so enraged or give total silent treatment for days, that sometimes I find it better to not tell him certain things that I know will set off an argument.

So you are walking on eggshells. You blame yourself. You think of ever more convoluted ways of 'keeping the peace' and avoid anything, anything at all that might 'set him off'.

This is deeply unhealthy. You are being abused. You may not see it that way because the way all this came about was so insidious...... look up 'boiling frog'! He is so clever and skilled at chipping away at every last shred of your self-esteem, and he won't be satisfied until you are nothing but a shell.

But you love him, and you are convinced that, deep down, he loves you too. Because when things are going well you feel so happy! All you wish is that things could be like this ALL the time. And so you think of ever more ways in which you can pretzel yourself to become his perfect partner........ so he won't hurt you anymore.

Not going to happen. Not ever. You must act to save yourself.

Here are a few resources for you.

• Woman's Aid
• the Freedom Programme
• counselling
• Dr Ramani's talks on YouTube
• Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft (free PDF online)..... I see someone has already posted the link upthread!
• Women Who Love Too Much, by Dr Robin Norwood.