Have you ever withheld stuff from partner

[namechangerforthisoneplease]

Yes I'm aware its not a normal thing to do in a relationship and it's not something I always do but there are certain times the most innocent of things cause my partner to overthink or come up with accusations or say rude things or become so enraged or give total silent treatment for days, that sometimes I find it better to not tell him certain things that I know will set off an argument. He doesn't argue in a healthy way, he can say some nasty things that sometimes cut to the core. Or for example if he has an opinion on something and I may not agree with it I don't argue my case or go into depth on it because he can be so hard to communicate with. I would say he's a very black and white way of thinking.
I have something that I know I should communicate to him about but I'm worried to do it. Worried about him blowing up and a huge argument happening. I'm no good with confrontation or sticking up for myself. And I always come away from the situation blaming myself. This is something I should be able to say "oh by the way this happened yesterday" and tell him the story but I can already hear his response and reaction and it's not good. Im made feel like I'm a liar and untrustworthy but I've tried explaining to him I became the way I did because of his reactions and the way he handles things. And because I already know the response I'm going to get I already don't want to disclose it with him but if I don't and he happens to find out I'm called a liar and untrustworthy again. I hate living like this. I just want to be able to be open and honest with him but over the yrs and experiences I learned that I'm damned if I do tell him, damned if I don't and he hears the info. I just wish he was easier to communicate with, that I didn't feel this total anxiety in me about telling him something and wondering how will he take this, what's he going to say etc....
For example if I was in a grocery shop and let's say Andrew a guy we both know to speak to says hello how are you etc
If I told my partner oh I ran into Andrew at the shops I was speaking to him briefly....
9 times out of 10 the response would be
Why were you chatting to him, how long were you chatting, then it would lead to him sulking or silent treatment OR going on the defence and saying hurtful things. Just making something out of nothing! Therefore sometimes I found it better to just not say about saying hello to someone even if it was the most innocent thing. It saved the bs!! But then it annoys me because I know I haven't done a damn thing wrong and I should be able to disclose normal things without him making stupid assumptions.
I dont know what to do... Hes told me if he doesn't get full honesty from me then he's calling quits on our marriage and I understand what he's saying I do feel like a liar or untrustworthy BUT I've actually nothing to hide, it's simply because of his shitty reactions and how it all makes me feel that sometimes I think its best to say nothing because it is nothing, but I don't want to be seen as this untrustworthy person anymore in his eyes, I want to be open but I know the reaction this is going to cause for me

@namechangerforthisoneplease how can you be good together ? You are conditioned .
If you tell him every detail he uses it against you and abuses you.
If you don’t tell him he abuses you in a different way and blames you of being a Lier and untrustworthy.

You have lost your 20s don’t loose the rest of your 30s or more.

Do you work are you allowed to work ?
You are not allowed friends or a life or nights out and you can’t even go to the shop ffs.

OP it reminds of sleeping with the enemy. He doesn’t care about you only about controling you.
He knows your u happy and still does it to you .

You need support to leave .

I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I was with my exh for over 20 years, he was exactly the same, jealous, insecure and controlling. He never said don’t go out, but he’d make the atmosphere so horrible that I just stopped going out. I couldn’t talk to or smile at another man without the third degree. I also stopped telling him things, I never knew what his reaction would be. So I just stopped sharing anything, big stuff and small stuff. I never knew how he was going to take it, whether he’s surprise me and be ok, or more often that not he’d have a rant and then the silent treatment. It eroded my self-confidence and my sense of self so much, I felt like I was disappearing.

I was always the one to apologies, and beg for forgiveness, until almost 23 years in I realised I couldn’t live the rest of my life like that. I was scared I would do something really stupid and hurt myself so decided however hard it was, I had to leave. That was 10 years ago now and it was genuinely the best thing I ever did. It feels so good to be able to just be me.

I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but I do think you need to consider making an exit plan. Life will be so different when you don’t have to worry about his reactions. Sending you a hand-hold.

I will read all this properly later but this has been my life for 17 years and finally told him I was done with the marriage. I felt claustrophobic! I remember bumping into an old school friend who was male. We talked for a few minutes and then left. My youngest son was with me and he asked at dinner if front of my dh who was that man I was talking to earlier. My dh couldn't understand why I stopped to talk to him, gave me the third degree over why I did it, thought it was weird that I spoke to him and then had the hump over it. Jeez

I'm not one to toot my own horn but I've always been faithful to this man, for years, honestly I'd have no interest in other men at all. This man really does have someone who loves the bones of him and would never be unfaithful to him. Its just so deflating that you love someone that much but they have to question everything so much and cause this type of toxic Ness even though you know in your own heart they are so wrong about you and your intentions.

My goodness what a sad, pathetic and miserable life you lead with this awful man.

You sound like a trapped puppy whining from the bottom of a well.

After you've finished with him get some counselling and find ways to empower yourself so that you are never again reduced to being a snivelling wreck.

If you were my daughter and I read that I would be absolutely devastated at how low you've sunk.

He's plain abusive and has controlling jealousy issues. That's his problem, you are doing nothing wrong.
He got you to ditch your friends and so has isolated you.
How you describe your handling of it is classic 'walking on eggshells' to avoid confrontation. You have adapted your behaviour massively to avoid his wrath.
It must be exhausting having to manage him all the time.
The only way to get a happier life is to get out of the relationship, then reconnect with your friends. Are you in contact with any family? If so, what's their opinion of him? You've been controlled by him for a long time without seeing it.

You can’t “make him see” he knows OP he doesn’t care .
You to realise this . He likes his control over you
@namechangerforthisoneplease contact women’s aid get therapy and you can come back and tell us all of you think it’s abuse or not .

You need support.
Do you know what they don’t like you going out or especially having close friends . As then you would know this wasn’t normal as you would have friend to confide in .
He has isolated you .
You only have him to lean to and belive what he says . He is a nasty man

It’s nothing to brag about by saying that HE has someone who would never be unfaithful and someone who loves the bones of him.

Do YOU have someone who loves the bone of you and doesn’t question you or make you feel like you’re walking on eggs shells.

Dont be proud of how much you are giving someone or how loyal you are when they’re treating you like dirt.

@CoxwellHuge your reply reasontes with me a lot... So I'm not crazy,other people in my position have done the same thing as me??? Other people have done the sane thing to avoid the hassle??? Because he really has made me believe I'm nothing but a liar. He uses the term to me a lot about the boy who cried wolf because the boy in the story lied but then when he did finally tell the truth it was too late, the boy had caused too much damage that no one could trust him.... Hes made me think so little of myself because I made those decisions to not disclose certain things

He is gaslighting and controlling you. This is so textbook. You have lost all your friends and I’ll hazard a guess that he’s alienated you from your family in some way. You have been with him so long you actually believe that you deserve this treatment and it’s your fault. You need to get out of this.

It what happens all the time, people who can't cope with daily truths, get told the least because they can't handle it when they are told. It's how people manage these types. You've done all that anyone would because of his behaviour, that's on him.
No amount of explanation this to him will make him change his behaviour one bit though. You'd be banging your head against a brick wall.

YES this exactly this... this is the type of incident I'm talking about. Something so bloody innocent nothing to it but somehow it was blown into something else. Why did you stop to chat etc and he'd use the thing of saying our son was there and you're standing chatting up or flirting with some fucking man in front of him... Yes this right here is the exact type of incidents I'm talking about that I'd just think I don't need to tell him this we don't need to argue over this and then yeah my son would do the same thing and ask who was that man we were chatting to earlier... Then I get "the look" my son will get questioned on all the facts then I'm put through it and the first response from him is why would you not tell me this in the first place before unleashing his accusations or hurtful comments and then away off to sulk for the rest of the day and night. During those moments I want the ground to swallow me up. My stomach sinks ! Cause to him it looks like I'm hiding it for a different reason rather than its the fact of he makes something out of nothing. And I end up coming away telling myself I should have walked on and not acknowledged the person

He’s controlling and abusive and manipulative.

The threats to end the marriage – controlling. It’s all about getting you to do what he wants and maintaining control over you.

The sulking and verbal abuse if you say the ‘wrong’ thing – controlling. Again, it’s all about manipulating your behaviour and changing how you live your life to suit him. If you say or do something he doesn’t like, you get ‘punished’.

Early on in your post I was thinking to suggest relationship counselling, but having read it all I think you should probably leave.

Hope you are ok OP.

Nope, not crazy and not a liar either, despite what he’s trying to make you believe. I really don’t post very much on here but your post just took me back to my previous life and I just had to let you know that it’s definitely not you that’s creating this issue, this is all on him.

I won’t say it’s been easy leaving, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but I don’t regret it for a second. He still had a hold over me for a while, if I saw I had a text from him, my heart would race. As I got stronger and more settled into being me again, that settled though. I also still occasionally find it hard to start a discussion on anything big with my husband now, but he’s absolutely amazing and is always so patient if he can see I’m struggling.

As hard as it will be, do think about how to get out, and don’t be tempted to stay with his promises to change. I feel for that once, stayed another 8 years or so but the ‘new man’ he promised didn’t hang around for longer than about 6 months.

Always here if you want a chat with someone who’s been through it.

OP can you see how you are contorting yourself trying to 'make him see' when it's blatantly obvious that he doesn't want to see, it suits him to have you making yourself and your life small for him. You said yourself that you've tried to explain the effect of his actions/reactions and he 'just doesn't see' but that's so clearly bullshit, he does see, it's just bloody convenient for him to have you always on the back foot and hyper focused on him and what pleases him! This is what coercive control is, his behaviour is textbook controlling abuser and you really need help OP, please contact WA, you need support to get away from him.

It gets worse ...

'your reply reasontes with me a lot... So I'm not crazy,other people in my position have done the same thing as me??? Other people have done the sane thing to avoid the hassle??? Because he really has made me believe I'm nothing but a liar. He uses the term to me a lot about the boy who cried wolf because the boy in the story lied but then when he did finally tell the truth it was too late, the boy had caused too much damage that no one could trust him.... Hes made me think so little of myself because I made those decisions to not disclose certain things'

You are a puppet on a string dancing to his tune.

You have allowed him to make you think so little of yourself.

Strong women don't put up with that kind of crap.

You need to question why you are allowing yourself to be treated so badly and why you are so weak and can't stand up for yourself?

What has led you to believe that you are so worthless that the only man you can get is an abusive lump of crap?

It won't have started with this man, you must have been very meek before this started with him and you've allowed him to further chip away at your self esteem.

That's why after you split with him that it's important you seek counselling to identify why you are so accepting of being treated badly and how to go forward to protect yourself from succumbing to annoy he abusive idiot.

I'm not bragging @DaisyChain505 I'm trying to say I'm not a cheater, I'm not an unfaithful person that he seems to think of me as.
It's hurting me that I'm looked at in that light by the man I genuinely only have eyes for.
I'd get it If I really was a flirt, or if I'd had an affair, of anything like that but that's not who I am. I'm insiluted that he views me this way when I know it's really wrong because I don't think I've done anything to deserve such accusations.
I'm not bragging about my love for him I'm just simply saying it hurts when YOU know you aren't the person that's being portrayed

You can't change him @namechangerforthisoneplease He is one of the worst kind of abusers. He's not violent, but he has emotionally broken you down until you are blaming yourself for everything. Afraid to tell him things because it will end in a row

Please leave this man

No way. It’s not normal for someone to sulk and throw insults and act like someone they live with doesn’t exist just because they’ve done something innocuous like have a conversation with another person.

Every time he does this it disrupts your life and your emotional state and it harms you. The choices you have (for the time you remain in the relationship) are to make your life so small that you don’t so much as speak to other people, and live according to someone else’s insane controlling dictatorship, or you just accept that he’s unhinged and don’t mention normal things that will ‘trigger’ him.

You’re not being dishonest about anything of consequence, you’re protecting yourself from the stress and harm he is causing you.

Of course he wants to wear you down till you detail every little part of your day, because then that gives him the opportunity to ‘punish’ you for anything that triggers his aggression and instability. He won’t be happy till you’re existing solely to meet his needs.

Don't waste time trying to get your abusive partner to understand your point of view. He never will. Concentrate on getting away from him.

@Attelina

Strong women don't put up with that kind of crap.

What a stupid comment.

that's how I've explained it to him. I feel like during disagreements I'm banging my head against a wall. Nothing of what I say makes anything better or helps him see why I've turned into doing that. I feel like I'm the abuser!! In fact he's told me I'm the reason our relationship has that toxic side to it. It's all my faults that are brought to light. He throws up 15 yrs of stuff in every disagreement, everytime I've lied or withheld stuff. It's like a huge list being thrown at me all the time that I just myself as the issue or the problem because its the same things being said to me in every argument that I forget what we're initially arguing about and it becomes something different and the result is me pleading saying I'm sorry you're right because in the moment that's all I can hear

I've often thought about relationship counselling thinking if he got told the same things said to him by a professional...other than me he'd see that he is being the one in the wrong in some ways. I fully hold my hands up that I've made mistakes and prob did make the situation worse but this is how I've learned to save an unnecessary argument that's all it is, it's not that I feel like I've anything bad to hide from him.
But in all honestly I think if someone sided with me he'd just think I made myself into a victim. I dont want to be seen as a victim I just want him to see that his own actions aren't right either. See where he's going wrong. See why I find it difficult to communicate effectively with him.

Your poor kids. My dad was just like your husband, my mum had to lie if she wanted to go shopping or meet friends for lunch because of his angry, abusive reactions. He was obsessed with liars, she was a liar, everybody was a liar, because he had to know and control everything. And whatever happened it was always her fault or our fault, never his.

It was a terrible way to grow up and very damaging for us as children.