Have you ever withheld stuff from partner

[namechangerforthisoneplease]

Yes I'm aware its not a normal thing to do in a relationship and it's not something I always do but there are certain times the most innocent of things cause my partner to overthink or come up with accusations or say rude things or become so enraged or give total silent treatment for days, that sometimes I find it better to not tell him certain things that I know will set off an argument. He doesn't argue in a healthy way, he can say some nasty things that sometimes cut to the core. Or for example if he has an opinion on something and I may not agree with it I don't argue my case or go into depth on it because he can be so hard to communicate with. I would say he's a very black and white way of thinking.
I have something that I know I should communicate to him about but I'm worried to do it. Worried about him blowing up and a huge argument happening. I'm no good with confrontation or sticking up for myself. And I always come away from the situation blaming myself. This is something I should be able to say "oh by the way this happened yesterday" and tell him the story but I can already hear his response and reaction and it's not good. Im made feel like I'm a liar and untrustworthy but I've tried explaining to him I became the way I did because of his reactions and the way he handles things. And because I already know the response I'm going to get I already don't want to disclose it with him but if I don't and he happens to find out I'm called a liar and untrustworthy again. I hate living like this. I just want to be able to be open and honest with him but over the yrs and experiences I learned that I'm damned if I do tell him, damned if I don't and he hears the info. I just wish he was easier to communicate with, that I didn't feel this total anxiety in me about telling him something and wondering how will he take this, what's he going to say etc....
For example if I was in a grocery shop and let's say Andrew a guy we both know to speak to says hello how are you etc
If I told my partner oh I ran into Andrew at the shops I was speaking to him briefly....
9 times out of 10 the response would be
Why were you chatting to him, how long were you chatting, then it would lead to him sulking or silent treatment OR going on the defence and saying hurtful things. Just making something out of nothing! Therefore sometimes I found it better to just not say about saying hello to someone even if it was the most innocent thing. It saved the bs!! But then it annoys me because I know I haven't done a damn thing wrong and I should be able to disclose normal things without him making stupid assumptions.
I dont know what to do... Hes told me if he doesn't get full honesty from me then he's calling quits on our marriage and I understand what he's saying I do feel like a liar or untrustworthy BUT I've actually nothing to hide, it's simply because of his shitty reactions and how it all makes me feel that sometimes I think its best to say nothing because it is nothing, but I don't want to be seen as this untrustworthy person anymore in his eyes, I want to be open but I know the reaction this is going to cause for me

Oh op, I’m sorry, but you cannot “make him see” he has to want to and understand that this is his problem and not yours.
Unfortunately you have tied yourself in knots trying to placate this man and it will never, ever work.
Unless he is prepared to admit he has a problem and seek immediate help (which I think is unlikely given this seems to be entrenched behaviour in your relationship) I really think you need to start taking steps to leave. He is controlling and abusive and that is on him, not you, tiptoeing around him is no way to live your life. You can talk to whoever the fuck you want in the supermarket!
Speak to Women’s Aid, get some therapy and make a plan, for your own sake and that of your child, to get out, because this cannot continue.

Good response 🙏🏻

Thankyou everyone...
For the last number of years I've questioned if it's abuse, if this type of thing is normal in all men wheb they feel insecure or jealousy etc. I had come to believe that maybe this is just how the opposite sex deals with things if I'm honest. I had looked about coercive control a while ago, I actually watch a lot of Dr ramini things and her podcasts. At times yes I very much think this isn't normal and other times I think I made him this way as he states and it makes me feel like I'm the issue, I need to fix myself. Sometime I believe it's me that's the problem so then I try my best to rectify what I can. Sometimes I see it as abuse, sometimes I don't and its very confliting. And I have all these thoughts of he won't be like this with anyone else, and it's probably because I have allowed so much bs. I allowed him to have that ownership of me in the hope it would settle his fears...

Another member wrote an excellent reply to me on here. With a list of questions. And it all really stood out to me.
I think the main reason why I wrote this post is because I'm trying to figure out is what I'm doing normal (within a relationship like this)
I know it's wrong of me to withhold things but is that what other women in situations like this do, in order to avoid that sort of treatment, is what I'm doing an actual coping mechanism instead then???

I've been reading all the replies and everyone seems to be of the same opinion, which I was already questioning anyway, am I with a controlling man. I've been saying were good in every other way, he's my best friend and someone made a comment about I bet its good when I'm following his requests and not rocking the boat etc, and that really stood out to me as well. It's awful how you mind can scream at you this isn't right and then having you second guessing yourself the next thinking it's not that bad and I love him.

I think its going to kill me to leave. He's all I've known from teens. But I cannot deal with all these silly accusations anymore and the atmosphere within the house when he has all those paranoid thoughts. I'm fed up proving myself and constantly pleading with him to believe me. I think I need to take some space for a while from all of this so hopefully my head can properly assess the whole thing rather than living a roller coaster of really bad moments mixed with really good moments. I cant make sense of anything, he has me in floods of tears one day to tear of joy the next. That's why it's so difficult to work out is it abuse because it's not always bad and that's what I'm trying to explain to people on here who wonder why i can't see it for what it is. You can in the moment when they are treating you badly and how you feel, but when Its all temporally swept under a rug and we are enjoying each other it's like your brain tries to erase those moments, kind of like Rose tinted glasses is the best scenario I can explain.

That's how I've read the replies here basically telling me to take off my Rose tjnted glasses when I'm saying I love him, he's my best friend etc... Im just so scared because I built a life and a home in this person, I made children with him. He's a good father to his children and I'm scared of learning to cope as a single mum. I've never lived and survived alone, never mind learning all that again and having 2 small kids in tow. But I think something has got to give at this point from me. Yous have all confirmed things I've been thinking and then second guessing myself on.
Thankyou everyone for taking the time to respond

He won't change.
If you don't change, nothing changes.
This will be your life.
Forever.
Is this what you want?

(And what do you think this dysfunctional shitshow of a relationship does to your children as they are growing up - do you really want this for them?)

When some you love and trust is telling you how he wouldn't be this way if you hadn't done this or that... It DOES make you think you're the weak link, the problem. I have gaslit myself into thinking he's right and he won't be like this with anyone else, he'll trust the next person and she'll live the happier times I had with him but she'll have that version all the time. He's made me believe if I had of done things differently he would be this person and sometimes I find myself thinking is he right???
I'll find it extremely difficult if I see him move on. It scares me. But it also scares me to think what if my small kids grow up seeing mum not having a life outside this front door or why I've no friends or the atmosphere when he's annoyed at me. I cant just think about my happiness here, I have to think what's healthy for them to see! The thought of me breaking up our family terrifies me because the kids won't understand anything yet as they are still under the age of 6 and love him to bits. It's scary to know I'm the one that they'll probably blame for while until perhaps they see dad's bad side themselves and then understand why mum left. I've been doing this song and dance with him for so many years now deep down I know the situation isn't going to improve.

As one person wrote in the comments next thing I'll be accused of looking at other men from the window (in some sense yes that's happened I'm too friendly with the men neighbours) although I don't think he actually believes that bit I think he's saying it to just vent at me. But to whoever it was that wrote the post that massively clicked with me asking me lots of questions, thankyou!! Everyone's replies resonated with me but that one in particular hit me hard and made me see there is coercive control in some form in my relationship and how I have dwindled away from the girl I was at the start to the woman I have become now and my life. During lockdown in covid is when I began to question control because lockdown didn't make my life feel much different from what it normally was... And that's when all these little light bulbs went off. He doesn't see anything wrong with his treatment of me when he's angry, he thinks he completely justified. I'm seeing my situation will never get better, I've tried everything I can. I basically of my own choice give up an outside life in order to keep someone happy and it didn't stop the accusations or insulting behaviour from him, so nothing will. I just can't believe I have to leave someone I really loved and someone I've worked so hard with for so many years. And for leaving I already know I'll be punished by him probably hooking up with someone else. I already know exactly what's going to happen or be said to me before it even happens. I know I'm going to be putting myself through so much more shit by ending my relationship and having to try and rebuild a life from scratch with two kids and no friends for support. My family have had an idea for a long time, they've mentioned it a few times but I think they've been waiting until the penny finally drops with me, that it's a conclusion I'd to come to myself.

Thankyou everyone

I have been reading this thread but hadn't replied because honestly I found your responses to other posters so disheartening OP.
But with a more recent update I can see you're taking it all in which is take good news.
You said " I think its going to kill me to leave.", but from experience I want to let you know that leaving him will be the making of you and you'll be able to live your life.
It's scary and things will go wrong, but you will be better off without him. Be strong OP, your life is about to start!

And for leaving I already know I'll be punished by him probably hooking up with someone else

I get it that this feels like a visceral threat to your entire being - after all, he is all you've known! - but you need to reframe it as the price of your freedom!

You are unlikely to be able to do this on your own. You are too enmeshed. You need counselling. Please, whatever you do, make therapy a priority.

It is very scary... im terrified.
But ii think reading all the replies made me see that my situation is never going to improve. I've pulled myself away from so much to save these accusations and so he can feel secure but it hasn't changed a thing, its time I let it sink in that it never will.
I know the guys potential, I know when its good he's amazing and that's the part that will break me but I qlso recognise I don't have the good version of him without the bad version. Do I really want to each 50 and regret my life more than I already do when I'm 37 now. And do I want my kids to see this unhealthy behaviour no I don't. I used to always think it will get better, I'll prove to him that I only have eyes for him but it's just not enough. Nothing is ever going to make him feel at peace with me so my life will never be peaceful. I'm overwhelmed at the responses here just because they are all pointing at the thing I was thinking it was but just wasn't able to convince myself 1000%.

I actually am waiting on therapy. I asked my sister to help me find a therapist who is trained in this sort of stuff in the hope I can rewire my ways of thinking because I gaslight myself like crazy. I start it next week. I've also been journaling things as well for the last yr so I can read the stuff written down in moments that I am questioning myself so I can remember that moment in time, how I felt, things he said, to try and show myself I'm not crazy

OP, this is such classic control and abuse that with your first post, I knew, before you actually said it, that the thing you were withholding was that you'd spoke to another person, probably a man.

It's text book. It's not unique. It' snot becuase he has had this specific, unique set of circumstances that make him insecure. It's just classic controlling, manipulative behaviour.

My response would be to ask him, "why are you with me if you don't trust me".

For the record, men like this are very evry good at targeting women who are strong and independent, and emphathetic. You can see his side, so you think maybe there's some reasonableness. But there's not.

It's also not that unusual for this to go on for a very long time before you really start to push back. In part, it's the boiling frog issue - ie that it builds up over time and you don't realise quite how bad it's got until it's too late. But also, partly I think it's becuase often when it starts, you don't feel the same need to push back. Youo're in the early stages of love so happy to spend all your time together. You're a bit insecure yourself. You have young children so not going out with friends isn't that big a deal.... and then slowly, you realise how insidious it is.

Also, it gets worse and worse over time so before maybe it was becuase you spoke to a man in a pub. Now it's becuase you smiled at a man on the school run.

Quick warning, when you push back you are probably going to get one, or more likely both, of the following:

Accusations that you are a terrible person, manipulative, toxic, dishonest. A terrible wife and mother. A bad person etc etc.
Lots of tears about how he can't live without you, that he knows he's a terrible person but he can' thelp it because of his "trauma" and that ONE time you did something mean to him 20 years ago that he's never been able to let go. Boo hoo hooo.

If you actually leave, or ask him to leave, these will ramp up - in the first case to even more accusations, aggressive behaviour (possibly violence), unfounded accusations, likely a smear campaign to friends and family. He'll go out of his way to make your life difficult - take your car when you need it for work, not come home in time to give the kids' dinner, not collect the kids from school on his day etc.

While on the victim side he'll probably claim to be depressed, refuse to work (lose his job), threaten suicide etc.

What do your family think of him,? If he's tried to keep you from them, I bet they see right through him.

I think this post and the replies I got esp from people who have actually lived my situation and understand have given me the clarification I needed in my heart. Some of the posts felt like they could write my story. They resonated so much. I was so overwhelmed yesterday by the responses I just had to sit alone with my thoughts last night and this morning. It's time I admit to myself it is an element of abuse I just hope I can conquer the self gaslighting I now do to myself. Any thought process I have always ends with what will he think, what will he say, what will the reaction be, I don't want to feel those things anymore I don't want to hear his voice or opinions I'm my mental head space anymore.

Quick warning, when you push back you are probably going to get one, or more likely both, of the following:Accusations that you are a terrible person, manipulative, toxic, dishonest. A terrible wife and mother. A bad person etc etc.Lots of tears about how he can't live without you, that he knows he's a terrible person but he can' thelp it because of his "trauma" and that ONE time you did something mean to him 20 years ago that he's never been able to let go. Boo hoo hooo.If you actually leave, or ask him to leave, these will ramp up - in the first case to even more accusations, aggressive behaviour (possibly violence), unfounded accusations, likely a smear campaign to friends and family. He'll go out of his way to make your life difficult - take your car when you need it for work, not come home in time to give the kids' dinner, not collect the kids from school on his day etc.@GingerIsBest you've literally wrote word for word what I'm thinking this is what I'm up against. I know him inside out. I already know what I'll have to deal with and yes you're correct and I know I'll be blamed even more, I know I'm going to self doubt myself again. This is why I need space away from him. The house fortunately is rented in my name only so it going to have to be him to leave which I'm then going to deal with how it's his home too and if I'm calling things off it should be me to leave etc I can already hear everything in my own head before I've started

maybe I'll create a new thread when I've done this to update the situation and maybe just for some moral support for the type of emotional turmoil I'm going to go through. A hand hold seeing as I've no friends as such. Because if I allow his thoughts into my ears I know I'll be sucked right back in. I need strength to do this ladies especially because its a longterm thing and all I've known and because he does know all the things to say wether it's to win me round or just devestate me

Might be helpful to speak to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services and get some support during the asking him to leave process.

The Freedom Programme is supposed to be quite good.

It's just not normal to have to constantly explain and defend yourself to your spouse.

@namechangerforthisoneplease if youo're not married and its in your name, that's a good start but be prepared for even that to be a fight. When you're ready to end it, think about what is the time frame you think is reasonable for him to find somewhere new to go.... and then stick to it. eg 6 weeks.

Financially, you hvaen't said anything but in my experience, this particular type of abusive man is also often not much of a provider - financially or practically. In theory, that works for the woman as she's used to doing it all, paying for it all etc, but it's actually another way he uses it to control you because he'll give you sob stories about how he can't afford to move out, will be living in his car, will be homeless etc.

Do you have family you can talk to and who can help you to see what is and is not reasonable and rational? Are you ready to put in place cover for all the ways he's likely to let you and your DC down?

Watch Angela Black on Netflix - such coercion and control going on around us

Its interesting that you know he is not liked by your family... You need to get support from them & tell them the truth.
Yes, it will be hard to leave.
But imagine the bliss of freedom to be You & not just his possession"thing"

Just a warning. As you have mentioned, Generally abuse goes in a cycle,
After being increasingly unpleasant, there will be a period when all goes well.
(You would have left years ago if it was constant.)
If you tell him you aren't happy there are 2 paths this will take.
One is remorse, promises to change, tears, flowers, holidays, threats of suicide.
He won't. It's everything you want to hear, but its a lie.
The other is pure venom, the like of which you have not yet encountered.
He will make your life as difficult as possible, cutting iff funds, removing vehicle, emptying joint accounts, cancelling your bank card.
Threats of removing DC, lying ti DC & family. Calling Social services...
Flying monkeys, reputation damage.

So before this goes anywhere, you need to prepare.
Change all your passwords. Phone, bank account, social media, email account, mumsnet !
Copies if his payslips, mortgage, life insurance, pension, savings.
Hide ID, passport, birth certs, important documents OUT of the house, both yours & DC's give to trusted family member or friend.
Ditto any other important documents or personal items, photos & valuable items

Crossed with last few posts sorry

Hoorah, it's your lease & you're not married.
He needs to leave, the sooner the better.

@namechangerforthisoneplease he's controlling. You stopped going out because you didn't want the hassle. The definition of it.

@namechangerforthisoneplease

I've also been journaling things as well for the last yr so I can read the stuff written down in moments that I am questioning myself so I can remember that moment in time, how I felt, things he said, to try and show myself I'm not crazy

Be careful with this as he could be reading it. My ex was very similar to yours in his tactics, accusing me of withholding things from him and of being untrustworthy, constant accusations of cheating etc. What I didn't realise at the time was that he was also going through my things and following me when I went out, as well as contacting random people from my past probing them for information. Keep your journal and anything relating to your plans to leave in a very safe hiding place, ideally not in the property. Lock down your computer/devices and change passwords. Check you don't have any spyware on your phone. Women's Aid can help you with these things.

He has systematically picked you apart to the point you don't know which way is up and which way is down. The mixture of tears of despair and tears of joy are all part of it. You don't know where you are with them one day to the next, it's all part of keeping you on your toes, a cycle of building you up and knocking you down. They know that the more they knock you down, the more you'll feel like you need their 'love' to get back up again. He is controlling you completely.

When you start to make the steps to leave and he realises you're slipping out of his grasp, these behaviours will probably ramp up so I think it's important you have some professional support in place. Women's Aid can hopefully direct you to your local domestic violence service, who should be able to provide more practical support. They can also liaise with the police if necessary. You don't have to do this alone.

Imagine what it would be like to wake up in the morning knowing that the day ahead is going to be free of all this bullshit. That you won't have to answer to anyone, that you're not going to get into trouble, that you're not going to have to explain yourself, that your stomach isn't going to be doing somersaults and your heart isn't going to race. Maybe you can't imagine it because you've been in the relationship for so long, but please trust me that it feels bloody wonderful. Don't waste any more of your one, precious life trying to salvage this relationship because you can't. Just get the fuck out of there so you can start living again.

Me = I ran into Peter this afternoon
DH = Lovely, How's Sarah and the kids?
He's done such a number on you that you have to hide completely normal, innocent interactions, then you blame yourself for his abusive reaction.
You need to speak to Womensaid with a view to leaving this abusive prick.

Your post resonates so much with me. My husband is not a jealous person so mine is not exactly the same. But he has a selfish, low level controlling streak with money especially. Moans about everything I buy. So much so that when I for instance buy a £30 item, I’ll have to say oh it was £10 in the sale. Or I lost my confidence last year driving, took a driving lesson and paid £40 which helped me so much. I had to do it in secret because of the anger outburst I would get, that I am wasting money. And while I always say he is a good man, a good father, it is small things like that that destroys your soul bit by bit. Because we shouldn’t have to lie or withhold information to keep the peace.