Have you ever withheld stuff from partner

[namechangerforthisoneplease]

Yes I'm aware its not a normal thing to do in a relationship and it's not something I always do but there are certain times the most innocent of things cause my partner to overthink or come up with accusations or say rude things or become so enraged or give total silent treatment for days, that sometimes I find it better to not tell him certain things that I know will set off an argument. He doesn't argue in a healthy way, he can say some nasty things that sometimes cut to the core. Or for example if he has an opinion on something and I may not agree with it I don't argue my case or go into depth on it because he can be so hard to communicate with. I would say he's a very black and white way of thinking.
I have something that I know I should communicate to him about but I'm worried to do it. Worried about him blowing up and a huge argument happening. I'm no good with confrontation or sticking up for myself. And I always come away from the situation blaming myself. This is something I should be able to say "oh by the way this happened yesterday" and tell him the story but I can already hear his response and reaction and it's not good. Im made feel like I'm a liar and untrustworthy but I've tried explaining to him I became the way I did because of his reactions and the way he handles things. And because I already know the response I'm going to get I already don't want to disclose it with him but if I don't and he happens to find out I'm called a liar and untrustworthy again. I hate living like this. I just want to be able to be open and honest with him but over the yrs and experiences I learned that I'm damned if I do tell him, damned if I don't and he hears the info. I just wish he was easier to communicate with, that I didn't feel this total anxiety in me about telling him something and wondering how will he take this, what's he going to say etc....
For example if I was in a grocery shop and let's say Andrew a guy we both know to speak to says hello how are you etc
If I told my partner oh I ran into Andrew at the shops I was speaking to him briefly....
9 times out of 10 the response would be
Why were you chatting to him, how long were you chatting, then it would lead to him sulking or silent treatment OR going on the defence and saying hurtful things. Just making something out of nothing! Therefore sometimes I found it better to just not say about saying hello to someone even if it was the most innocent thing. It saved the bs!! But then it annoys me because I know I haven't done a damn thing wrong and I should be able to disclose normal things without him making stupid assumptions.
I dont know what to do... Hes told me if he doesn't get full honesty from me then he's calling quits on our marriage and I understand what he's saying I do feel like a liar or untrustworthy BUT I've actually nothing to hide, it's simply because of his shitty reactions and how it all makes me feel that sometimes I think its best to say nothing because it is nothing, but I don't want to be seen as this untrustworthy person anymore in his eyes, I want to be open but I know the reaction this is going to cause for me

Good lord

You need so much help. You need therapy and support to leave this vile man

But you won't leave, and eventually you'll simply die inside and live the rest of your life as a shell

The man is an abuser

You are being abused

Leave him.

Op you are in a classic coercive controlling relationship. The emotional abuse you are suffering is off the scale. You need to speak to women's aid for them to help you see this and leave him

OP, this is awful. A man doesn’t need to say “don’t go out” or physically bar the door, for him to stop you going out. He has made it impossible for you to go out by behaving so awfully when you do, that you have stopped. In fact, as a form of control it’s even more effective than telling you not to go out because you think you are making the decision for yourself.

By stopping you going out and maintaining friendships he is isolating you. This has two effects: 1) you don’t have friends who can tell you that what he is doing is wrong and 2) you are wholly reliant on him - which is likely a big part of why you think he is your rock and your best friend.

This isn’t about jealousy or insecurity - it’s about control. From our youth onwards we are told the lie that jealousy proves love. Absolutely not true. And have you stopped to wonder why, after all this time, he says he still doesn’t trust you? His demand that you tell him EVERYTHING is simply an extension of his control.

Read back what you have written. Would you honestly be ok if your daughter was in a relationship like this? If not, why is it ok for you?

I know you will need time to get your head round this, but your description of what he does is domestic abuse. I imagine you won’t accept that assessment from an anonymous stranger online, but I hope in time you come to realise this, and that you do not deserve to be treated in this way. It is not ok and it is not normal. When you feel able, I suggest doing the Freedom Programme. I think it would really help you to recognise what he is doing for what it is - and I bet you will find that there are even more of his behaviours than you have set out here that are also domestic abuse.

I am wishing you so much luck, OP.

Is it abuse but! I have withheld telling him things, I do have a part to play in this and him feeling like I've broke trust.. to me he does have a point and it sounds like I'm just trying to excuse myself out of a situation.
I know I'm probably being hard on myself but I know that's because I have to admit my fault in all of this but I do have my reasons for feeling uncomfortable regarding certain topics with him. This isn't something that happens on a regular basis every day of arguments. I wish I had more confidence within me to just say it out as normal as possible because its not like I'm saying hunny I've had an affair or I'm cheating or I want to be with another man. I couldn't give a shit about other men. But if I lied or withheld stuff in the past is he not in someway correct here and I earned this because I keep triggering him ??

No, OP, you haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t tell him the mildest of things because of his reaction. A calculated reaction to make your life smaller and mean you will think you are always in the wrong and walk on eggshells. It is classic control and abuse. All of this is HIS fault, not yours. He has made you believe it is your fault because that’s what abusers do. It is part of their coercion and control.

I was in a relationship like this for 20 years. Then he died and I found out all the accusations were because he was cheating on me. Messages to and from another woman in the hours before he died.
Having no friendships left made it very difficult when he was gone, I was 45. 4 years later it’s still hard finding my self esteem.
Leave him and get your life back.

You're only withholding stuff because of the fear of his reaction though. Its a learned response to his behaviour, not something you're doing because you're a bad person.

In a normal relationship, not mentioning that you've bumped into Bob in Sainsbury's isn't something that even crosses your mind. Maybe it'll come up in conversation, maybe it won't, you're not "witholding information" just because you don't happen to mention it.

@MoodEnhancer I know if I read this thread from a stranger or from my daughter yes I'd be saying the same things as you.
But part of me has made him worse by my own actions. Would things be completely different if I'd never "lied". To him trust is everything. I broke that trust. His feelings on as important as mine. We're 2 ppl in a relationship and that's how I look at it. But I find I take the blame for everything even when I know I shouldn't be. Is it fair to call him an abuser when I've partly blame to play in it all. I'm not claiming to be saint within our relationship because I do think I'm wrong for not feeling comfortable enough in certain situations to ne honest, I made that decision even though I knew it was wrong and I always look at other ppls point of view so I do see where he's coming from. So is it abuse? If I've done something continously that I know is distracting my relationship.

I go down a rabbit hole and end up probably gaslighting myself that I just feel like I'm the baddie in all of this and he's every right to feel how he does

Yes, it is abuse from him. I also withhold things from my husband, because it will trigger him in all the dumb fucked up ways you have described, but I don't care any more, I don't tie myself in knots wondering how I can behave differently and get him to see my point of view. He will never see my point of view because that would mean he would have no excuse to abuse me with false accusations any more.
What you describe is not a normal loving relationship, it's like mine, abusive. Marriage is not about one person sacrificing themselves and trying to prevent the other from being angry and suspicious. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. What you are in is far from a partnership. You are trying to appease a man, who seems to treat you with some kind of contempt if you interact with other humans.

You haven't lied though. Me not telling DP that I bumped into someone of the opposite sex isn't a lie, it's not withholding information, it's just something that hasn't come up in conversation.

In a normal relationship, a relationship where neither partner controls or abuses the other, people don't feel they are entitled to know every event that happens to the other party throughout the day. They don't care who they've bumped into, who they've had a conversation with. They're unbothered because they trust their partner.

Your husband doesn't trust you, not because of anything you've done, but because he is incapable of trust. It's not on you to fix that, to tiptoe around avoiding doing or telling him anything to set him off. It's entirely his issue. He is jealous, controlling, abusive. You cannot fix that so don't try.

Just leave.

OP it's genuinely scary how he's made you think you're in any way at fault here. Please listen to everyone on this thread and reach out to women's aid or a women's charity where you are. I think you would benefit from getting their take on his (abusive) behaviour.

No, you haven’t done anything wrong. As I and other posters have said, you are forced to withhold really minor information because of his reaction. It’s not even about the semantics of whether it’s lying or withholding, it’s that you need to see that he has deliberately created this situation to further control you. You have not done anything wrong. At all.

As I said, I don’t think you can necessarily immediately understand this, especially as you have to undo years of his control and mind games, but I really do think that if you were to do the Freedom Programme, it would help.

How do I explain this to him then.
How can I make him understand or see my side. That I don't do this because I've anything to hide, I do it because of how he jumps to shit and over reacts... This isn't the way I ever imagined being with someone I love.
I just wish he'd stop seeing it all from his point of view and pointing all the blame at me and all these stupid ways of thinking that every man wants me or I want every man. He actually really believes I'm hiding so much more from him. He says I've made him so paranoid that he wouldn't be like this if I'd always been honest in the first place. I know I should feel comfortable to tell him anything but it's crazy how he can overthink the most innocent of things and turn it into you're having an full blown affair or you want to have sex with this person. Jesus! Like just stop!
I wish I had someway of showing him why he's made me feel so uncomfortable, he thinks he's completely justified to feel this way he doesn't question anything about his own reactions and why it might cause me to withhold!! Whereas look at me trying to state his side here because I do see his point of view. I just wish he was easier to communicate with rather than feeling I'm dreading on egg shells.

He has done a real number on you unfortunately. You are being abused.

Who the hell does he think he is?? He's managed to isolate you from everyone, and youre even frightened to talk to someone in a shop?
You are being abused. Hes not your boss and he doesn't own you.

You can't explain this to him. He doesn't want to understand.

The situation as it is now is what he wants. He wants you scared, he wants you afraid. He wants you to be so terrified of something so simple as bumping into a man in a supermarket so that you'd never dare do anything more.

You cannot reason with this man. You can only escape him.

Exactly this. I’m so sorry, OP.

You can't change anyone

Also - he doesn't WANT to change

But even if he DID want to change, you couldn't change him

Get out now

He’s controlling abusive and manipulative and has gaslit you into thinking it’s your fault. It’s not you, it’s him. He’s warped your sense of what’s acceptable. None of what he is saying and doing is okay.

This is an awful relationship. Consider leaving.

Why are you tip toeing around this awful man having to think before you speak?

Is your self really that low that you have to scrape the barrel to be with this utterly awful excuse for a man?

You've only got one life, spend it with kind and decent people who you can express yourself freely around without any fear or repercussion.

I despair at these kind of post where a woman will put up up with all kinds of shit rather than be single for a time.

'We're a fantastic couple together bar this crap'

That has to be a joke?

You don't have any kind of a happy or normal relationship whilst you are scared of upsetting him and he acts like an enraged chimpanzee if he hears something that he doesn't like!

@namechangerforthisoneplease I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been there.

You’re in a toxic relationship. I haven’t RTFT but he’s gaslighting you and twisting things.

You won’t be able to make him see sense or see things your way as he’s determined to have this skewed view of you as it suits him - this way he can beat you down and undermine you, always be right and instill fear and anxiety in you.

People like this create a narrative around you that is like cast iron and you can’t shake off.

Listen to advice on here and listen to your gut, I’ve also DM’d you x

It's awful but, in every other sense we actually are good together. I just feel like I'm to blame for it all, because when we got together quite young I would tend to agree with him in our first 4-6 months together I was unsure about him, we'd call it quits, I dated other ppl, he probably didn't feel adequate enough at one stage. And it's all kind of stemmed from that. It's all stuff from the past of when we were teens with no wit.. But he still thinks back to all that and says because of how we started out and me being so unsure in the beginning it caused the jealousy within him which I noticed if I was telling him about parts of my day at work if a team mate was a lad and I mentioned another man's name it was remarks of "you sound like you hVe better fun with Mark than me" I put up with stuff like that for about 2 yrs before I realised there's certain topics I just need to avoid be because I'll have remarks like this and him going silent etc. Just that uncomfortableness.... So I stooped disclosing things that would annoy him or make him overthink but then that just turned me into a liar in his eyes. I've even went back to very start of us to point out these things to try and show him how I turned into this but his reaction is NO YOU made me paranoid because he thinks I like other mens attention... He blames me for being this way and he wouldn't be like this in another relationship. That if I could be trusted he wouldn't be paranoid and coming up with all these things

'... then turns into a really hateful person.'

He IS a hateful person. He doesn't turn into one. When he's acting nice it's just an act. His core personality is that of a hateful person.

Open your eyes woman!

Read what people are saying. He’s manipulating you. His behaviour is bad, not yours. Please open your eyes and ears. You need to get out.