Angry husband

[ruuboo]

This is a long one so I’m sorry …. Have been married for over 20 years 2 children. My DH has always been temperamental and anger easily triggered. He deals with his emotions by going into himself, silent treatment a tone of voice, when I eventually get to the bottom of a problem it has then opened the floodgates of everything that is wrong. He has also been quite critical of how we are intimate and once children came along these arguments intensified. I began to feel that was all he cared about. This then led to more difficulties and cruel words, moods, anger. Over the years the anger became more general and sometimes I could walk in and out of a room and the mood had changed. The level of anger is the same for something insignificant to something serious and this has confused me. I spend a lot time trying to get to the bottom of the moods however if I ever showed I was upset in anyway there was no discussion or care just the same level of anger. I became more withdrawn and stopped ever talking about anything which I was upset about. The moods increased and the insults and anger were always aimed eventually about intimacy. I felt confused and scared as even when we were in a good place there was always something else which was thrown at me that was wrong. I suppose I then became more withdrawn and distant. Thus cycle has gone on and on. I am so resentful at the anger and the hurtful personal things said. DH tells me he is going to sell our home leave me when he is angry and doesn’t understand that makes me feel I have no security and no control. This week things have escalated DH seemed normal and happy, he has a customer whom he has been spending a lot of time with, we were on our way to a family event and I asked a simple question about the customer, all hell broke loose he demanded to go home, angry with me and accusing me of accusing him of something, which I wasn’t I was do shocked and my heckles rose that it was bizarre snd then I did start to think something was going on. Since this time he has been awful telling me how I have made him feel he doesn’t want to be with me were over he won’t talk I keep leaving the house and sitting in my car til the early hours just to be out of there, tonight he came home and was so rude to me and was drunk, he doesn’t ever drink - I am disgusted at his behaviour and have now just ignored him and stayed away from him - I really don’t know what to do I am terrified and scared and tiny know what to do.

I'm sorry you're so upset 💐

I see no future in your relationship, he's not going to change and it seems as though his behaviour is getting worse.

It sounds to me as though he's very dominating and enjoys having power over you. By this I mean your relationship revolves around him and his moods.

You seem to spend a lot of time trying to figure him out and placate him. I also imagine you spend a lot of time walking on egg shells. He likes keeping you on edge, never knowing where you stand.

My suggestion is to find a good family law solicitor and get some advice. You need to gather all your financial information for example statements, pensions, wages, house price etc

I would also contact your local domestic abuse organisation for advice and support.

I also think you would find counselling helpful. You could try BACP for a therapist.

The Citizens Advice website is very good for any questions you may have regarding divorce.

Thank you for the reply, you are correct i do walk on egg shells! Things have deteriorated quite a bit today where we have constantly gone round in circles with him keep telling me where everything went wrong. All my fault. If I say anything about how I feel he just goes mad, yet then wants to talk about how he is feeling and how angry he is! I have told him that I get it and he does not need to keep shouting at me every time I speak, I’ve told him I get he doesn’t want to be with me and that I would prefer if he didn’t speak to me at the moment - I feel slightly lighter as now dont have to engage with him. Now the sulks have started however am ignoring it as why should I care if he doesn’t care about my feelings. See how he likes it for once! I am going to have to get advice so will take your suggestions as he has told me tonight he hates me! He wonders why we lack intimacy !! Oh and apparently every man would cheat on their wife if they didn’t give them sex - it was at that point my heart broke and my brain grew a pair and left the building. I’m devastated and so hurt.

I'm sorry OP but it's not going to get better and he's trying to bully you into sex. Your mental health is going to suffer the longer you stay.

You can find a solicitor here

Every man wouldn't cheat on their wives for lack of sex this is absolute nonsense if my wife "didn't give me sex" (Saying it like that sounds terrible) it would be for a valid reason and it would need to be addressed by both parties

So he married you and expected sex whenever he liked however he liked and it didn’t work out like that and when DC came along that took your attention away from him even more.

He’s been simmering away with his idea of this entitlement for 20 years because you don’t have sex with him enough thinking he’s been conned in some way.

Now for whatever the reason he’s just being openly hostile. Time to call it a day OP. There’s no joy in this marriage for either of you is there?

If I was you, I’d be delighted he may have met someone else. I’d see a solicitor for advice and start the divorce proceedings.

When you’re away from the constant sulking about sex you will be amazed how calm and peaceful your life is.

💐

I spend a lot time trying to get to the bottom of the moods

Utter waste of days of your one life.

This man is a narcissistic bully and furthermore sounds like a weirdo. All that tedious shouty sulky behaviour too, your home is supposed to be where you're at peace.

Are you safe OP? I note he's now openly saying he hates you. Disengage from him, no arguments, quietly get advice don't tell him anything about it, get yourself together and just end this farce of a 'relationship' There are happier and more positive ways to live out the rest of your life than this.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. You’re in an abusive relationship with him and the effects this has had on your children too is incalculable. But it has harmed them too and you trying to figure out his moods (aka emotional abuse) has done them no favours either.

Did you grow up seeing similar at home?. Your marriage is over anyway because of the abuse he meets out to you and in turn your Children.

He does not treat his work colleagues like he does you, no he is all
sweetness and light with them. Many abusers are quite plausible to those in the outside world. Use Women’s Aid and a Solicitor to free yourself and your kids from
your abuser.

I agree with everyone here, there is no saving this. Think about ways to separate and move on with minimal disruption to the children’s lives.

Delighted to see you’ve started to resist trying to manage his behaviour.
Re the customer, he’s either starting an affair or wishing he was and is full of resentment for you existing and thwarting what he wants.
He evidently doesn’t love you or care for you. It will be hard to leave such an angry and self absorbed person but you should.

Most men like this will go through a wobble if their control and bullying isn’t working any more and if their wife leaving will impact them financially or domestically so be ready for it. He may make promises or even temporarily improve his behaviour.

Thankfully you’re married. Start working out the details of housing and money and children. Wishing you well. You’re important too whatever he thinks about you.

That was a hard read Op. I felt emotionally drained just reading your post
The marriage is effectively over.

There's no salvaging this OP, it's gone on for far too long. He's well practiced in all of this now, it's just getting worse isn't it.

You have the opportunity to get the wheels in motion now, and start to get some good legal advice. Start finding your documentation in relation to the house, finances, and practicalities.
Don't discuss it or inform him.

Get in touch with Womens Aid, they can give you really good advice and help put together a leaving plan. They can recommend good Solicitors too.

The next few weeks/months may be difficult, but the relief you'll feel long term will be so welcome. No more walking on egg shells, and pandering to his childish behaviour and immature moods. He's a bully, and there's something very dodgy with this "customer" of his. His reaction was far too defensive and he protested a little too much.

He can threaten to sell your house, but he'll get a rude awakening when he's told some stark facts.
Telling you that he hates you is just barbaric. This won't be doing your children any good living in this environment.

Get some good advice under your belt, and you'll have a clear plan then.
All the best x

I would advise you see a counsellor on your own who will help you to unpick this and build self confidence to make life choices that benefit you - say that at the referral

This relationship is over. He's been abusing you emotionally and will continue to do so. It is no way to live. You need to prepare your finances, gather as much info as possible and seek legal advice. Try and get a recommendation if you can. You can also get support from Women's Aid or Refuge in how to separate safely. If you feel in physical danger from him at any time, please ring 999 and ask for the Police. I can tell you that life after separating from a man like this is wonderful. I had forgotten what happiness was and now I am happy every day.

Totally agree with those who suggest leaving. Some good suggestions on seeking a counsellor, and getting a solicitor.

This man hates you. He is showing you clearly. The next stage will be bullying you into accepting even more poor treatment so reach out to friends, family and get emotional support.

You poor woman , this is a very miserable way for you and your kids to live

What you do is stop trying to work out why, and head towards peace.

If you're married your assets are shared, do not tell him, but gather together your financial information so, income, outgoings, and any savings, pensions etc and make an appointment with a solicitor to find out where you legally stand.

Action overcomes fear. If you need some specific support with this you can find help from Womens' Aid, they have heard it all before. You don't need to stay stuck in this miserable loop, you are worth so much more.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and advice. I am so numb I dont know what to do, although I know what I should do - does that make sense? I feel like such a failure I have never said a word to another living soul about these problems so posting was a big step. I stupidly tried one last time to talk, I listened for a long time to his difficulties, remained calm, sounded rational, I then said one thing about how I felt again calmly but it didn’t go down well. I watched the frustration rise and angriness return and realised that you are all correct, he doesn’t care, doesn’t love me, and certainly does not respect me. However that doesn’t stop me being terrified of what will happen as there have been so so many good times, albeit we now seem to view those cherished memories very differently. I am so so sad about this and now realise that I have enabled this to carry on by not being the same strong person I project to the outside world. It doesn’t make it any easier to process and deal with. I even calmly gave an option of working on the marriage to try to be together which was shot down. I felt my heart completely break at that point. I also realised as I read your replies that none of them gave me any distress or upset but just a sense of relief that I am not being unreasonable and that these moods and anger are so so wrong. I grew up in a warm loving home with parents who worshipped myself and sister that never saw anger. I feel ashamed, stupid and devastated that at my age I end up like this. I am lucky that I have a good job and followed my mums advice of never having a joint bank account to keep power over my own money, friends have always said it was strange we paid money into an account to cover bills, but deep down I know he is shit with money as well so now feel slightly more in control. I am going to disengage from talking to him about it anymore as neither one of us can leave or afford our house alone - I would prefer to sell and start afresh somehow. He keeps flip flopping between saying he loves me and then saying he wants to leave and feel he is just waiting for me to say F off then. I’m not stupid enough to do that as it would be like a tsunami of blame and I’m too tired for that game. I shall get my self some advice and quietly go about this in the adult way. He may have already left as haven’t seen him yet no idea where he is and don’t actually care at this point.

I've got one of these! Exactly the same - angry at trivial things even if everything was perfect 90 seconds ago, has ridiculous expectations about sex frequency, "passion" etc, and just is a total arse whenever he feels like because of his anxiety and mental health/anger issues, which mean it's my fault if I trigger him cos I know he has these issues 🤨 Latest is that I'm selfish and made his anxiety worse by arranging to walk the dog with a friend 2 days before we go away - I should be packing apparently and managing his mental health.
Been this close to divorce so many times over the years, sad to say but no matter how much I've detached over the years and try to shrug it off as lunacy, we will no doubt divorce one day. I'm just trying to hang on as long as I can while the kids are getting bigger and more independent and will hopefully be less affected by it - he usually (but not always) keeps his anger away from them and just targets me, esp as they're mostly in their rooms now they're tweens.

It won’t get better if you stay together OP
Trying to work out they why’s won’t make you feel better.

Your H is mean and abusive and you need to get out of this marriage.

I’m struggling tonight it’s just relentless pain and he won’t stop telling me everything which I’ve done wrong. I’ve tried ignoring him, being calm and as normal as I can, he’s still just going on and on. It’s like I only have to breath to get a sarky comment or a reason why this is all my fault. I told him we need to at the very least be civil as we have to live in this house together for now with our younger child around and I get that he’s decided it’s over but this is something I’m still processing and dealing with so could we atleast try to be rational and friendly to each other (that is so hard to even suggest as I want to scream and shout) he agrees and then as soon as I say a word he starts off again. Apparently he’s spoken to someone about marriage guidance who agreed with him, that he is right and I’m too blame, thought that was odd as surely marriage guidance is supporting 2 people to guide their marriage, I didn’t say anything though then he also told me he’d spoke with a solicitor I asked why if he’d told me we weren’t rushing into anything about selling up, which I thought was reasonable question but apparently it wasn’t then the blame started again. Then noticed the wedding ring was missing and asked where it was - Jesus he actually had a go as I hadn’t noticed it sooner - am I actually going crazy ???? He keeps saying I’m not giving him the answers he wants, he hasn’t asked any god damn questions - earlier in the week I gave every option to get this sorted but now apparently I have suggested nothing. Am pretty sure he’s having an affair as us clean shaven every day, which he normally never bothers with, comes up the drive with dance music blaring and singing his little (shrivelled up walnut sized) heart out and then walks in and slips into sulky depression, I’m apparently not helping him to come to terms with this and this s incredibly hard for him and I am not making it any easier !!!! I did loose the calmness at that point and said I was awfully sorry I wasn’t making it easy for him to be an arsehole, that is my bad as I’ve supported you being one for the last 20 years !! Now apparently I am the one who wants it over as I’m being difficult - I told him that I am an adult and well aware that our marriage is over and there is no coming back from this, that the moment he told me he hates me that was quite clear. His response, “I knew you would not be able to move past that and that’s why it’s over” gods honest truth am I being unreasonable and difficult case now I’m doubting myself as this is so bloody bizarre?? And s this normal behaviour in a split ???

I’m really sorry to hear you are going through this, our kids are older with 1 still classed as a child, so know how you will struggle with this. The acceptance that it will probably end one day is so sad isn’t it, living with that day on day is hard to shoulder. I’m thinking of you x

I agree, he's having an affair or starting to, rather than have the guts to leave he's trying to paint you as the bad guy and you're the reason the marriage is over.
Tell him to fuck off, this must be beyond miserable for you and your DC.

Have you a spare room? If you have I would move in there & act as if you were separated, look after dc & yourself & leave him to it. Make your room comfortable with a TV so you don't have to sit in the same room as him at night. Feed yourself & dc, same for laundry, don't shop for him or anything. Get all your financial information & see a solicitor to get the ball rolling with a divorce, you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells all the time, just grey rock him or ignore him at the moment until you can properly separate. Get yourself & dc out when you can, even if it's only for a walk, do what you want & ignore him & his tantrums.

You have no reason to stay and put up with this. I think you should take control and just end it and move on. If I were you I would tell him to be out by the end of the day. You are allowing him to continue to abuse you and play games. End the relationship and feel the relief of peace and quiet.

Can you " grey rock " him while getting your ducks in a row to leave this narcissist?
What you have described is narcissistic abuse and he is destroying you.