Angry husband

[ruuboo]

This is a long one so I’m sorry …. Have been married for over 20 years 2 children. My DH has always been temperamental and anger easily triggered. He deals with his emotions by going into himself, silent treatment a tone of voice, when I eventually get to the bottom of a problem it has then opened the floodgates of everything that is wrong. He has also been quite critical of how we are intimate and once children came along these arguments intensified. I began to feel that was all he cared about. This then led to more difficulties and cruel words, moods, anger. Over the years the anger became more general and sometimes I could walk in and out of a room and the mood had changed. The level of anger is the same for something insignificant to something serious and this has confused me. I spend a lot time trying to get to the bottom of the moods however if I ever showed I was upset in anyway there was no discussion or care just the same level of anger. I became more withdrawn and stopped ever talking about anything which I was upset about. The moods increased and the insults and anger were always aimed eventually about intimacy. I felt confused and scared as even when we were in a good place there was always something else which was thrown at me that was wrong. I suppose I then became more withdrawn and distant. Thus cycle has gone on and on. I am so resentful at the anger and the hurtful personal things said. DH tells me he is going to sell our home leave me when he is angry and doesn’t understand that makes me feel I have no security and no control. This week things have escalated DH seemed normal and happy, he has a customer whom he has been spending a lot of time with, we were on our way to a family event and I asked a simple question about the customer, all hell broke loose he demanded to go home, angry with me and accusing me of accusing him of something, which I wasn’t I was do shocked and my heckles rose that it was bizarre snd then I did start to think something was going on. Since this time he has been awful telling me how I have made him feel he doesn’t want to be with me were over he won’t talk I keep leaving the house and sitting in my car til the early hours just to be out of there, tonight he came home and was so rude to me and was drunk, he doesn’t ever drink - I am disgusted at his behaviour and have now just ignored him and stayed away from him - I really don’t know what to do I am terrified and scared and tiny know what to do.

Hi @ruuboo thanks for your message. I agree with PPs ideas about moving into a spare room/dining room whilst you're going through this - you need a haven that is yours alone to retreat to. Put candles on, music, tidy and put flowers/fairy lights in it so it's soothing and helps you recover from the aggression he's giving you.
Your be fine- likely relieved- and they will benefit from you being revitalised and free.
Good luck with the roller coaster ahead. Come back and tell us how it's going in a few months- I hope if there is someone else she keeps him distracted from badgering you and encourages him to be kind to you so you can just shake him off asap x

I think he believes he is such a catch that you should be fighting for him and bending over backwards to make him want to stay in the marriage on his very unreasonable terms, and is distressed that you haven’t already broken out the sexy undies, warmed his slippers by the fire, and greeted him with his favourite tipple and a come hither look in your eyes.

When the reality is he’s been such an utter bastard that even emotional intimacy is likely to be hard to initiate, let alone physical.

He will be ready with The Script soon enough, I fear. As PP have suggested, do you have a spare room you can move into and create a safe space for yourself?

just so I can prepare, what is The Script?

He hasn’t come home I dnt know why im so worried but I am I haven’t slept and am going out of my mind, phone just ringing and ringing and location turned off why would anyone do this to another human being why would someone want to make the person they’ve spent their adult life with suffer so much I’m so low I don’t know what to do

What an utter arsehole. Stop ringing him, it reinforces his narcissism.

He's been abusing and gaslighting you for years, no wonder you're confused and doubting yourself. Don't waste any more energy trying to work him out or get to the bottom of anything, it's pointless. Use what reserves you have left to plan your escape. Detach yourself from him mentally as much as you can, see a solicitor and get some advice from Women's Aid. You can't control how he behaves, but you can do those things for yourself. Good luck x

Distract yourself with The Script

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1]]

It’s The Script.

nasty blaming you, rewriting your relationship.

@ruuboo I've been exactly where you are. Please find the strength and resolve to stick to your guns. You will find in a few months you feel so much lighter without the constant stress of being in a relationship with someone like this.

Your response to him disappearing for the evening is exactly the same as mine was. I couldn’t understand why someone would be so nasty. He doesn’t deserve you. Remember his actions are showing who he is as a person, they aren’t a reflection on you.

Can you tell him you want him to leave with immediate effect after his behaviour last night?

Does he want a divorce or what ?

One of you needs to make a decision and get on with it. Its no way to live especially in front of a child.

All this.

You cannot reason with the unreasonable, and certainly not with an abuser. He has been abusing you for years, and to be honest I think it is a miracle you have been able to tolerate such a despicable man for so long.

You need an escape plan. Please start getting your ducks in a row, take copies of all financial paperwork, gather birth certificate, passport etc and store them out of the house. Maybe with a trusted friend or relative, or even in a drawer at work.

Don't tell him anything.

What an absolutely toxic environment.
Have your children been around this their whole childhood.
Are you not worried at all as to the affect this must have had on them?
Get legal advice and get your poor child away from this.

Things have been strained but calmer. He returned home late Sunday with every reason why he had been MIA for 24 hours none of which made sense as to why didn’t answer phone, I didnt actually care at that point but have nowhere to go and he was not for going anywhere. The week has passed in calmness and rational behaviour then bang, the weekend arrives and it starts again! Last night he was out till late and cause I dared ask where he’d been it started again, told me he felt exactly the same as the week before, that I had broken him and had no compassion, he apparently could not even speak to me as was so angry so I sad nothing and stayed well clear. Our eldest is home this weekend do I asked if we could just be civil and try to have a normal weekend he agreed this afternoon. He then proceeded to ring me to tell me he was so mixed up he needed to talk to someone and he was going to his mum to talk through with her. Eldest sat at home waiting and emhe eventually came home hours later sat and ate then came upstairs I asked what his mum had said he told me I wouldn’t like it and then proceeded to escalate into anger again. I calmly left the room and came downstairs he then came down shouting that if I kept on he would loose it ! I hadn’t said anything but asked that he not to this as t was late and kids were at home (these interactions never happen when they are in the house to answer the questions) but he kept on and on, told me we should have a break - I was under the impression we were already over. Then accused me of a 20 campaign where I had set out and planned destroying his life on purpose and fdone everything I could to ensure I did it. I’m absolutely shaken as to why he would fo this on this weekend when we have looked forward to it so much I told him he was actually insane if he believed that I had sliced with someone I hated and purposefully destroyed them, I don’t fall out with anyone stay calm, level headed and treat everyone respectfully so no idea where this came from. I just don’t understand it and am now devastated again especially as I was so looking forward to this weekend. What the hell is going on? Does anyone on here think that any person would plan and strategically destroy a person over 20 years? Let alone someone they shared their life their dreams etc with, I’ve never moaned, never nagged, worked hard, looked after our home, our kids and put everyone else before myself - treated everyone with respect and been there in ups and downs - I’m so so low and have not discussed this with anyone outside of here and women’s aid - how fo I even bring it up to someone that this is what’s happening ?

I'm just drifting off to sleep and saw this. Not much advice but I wanted you to know I'm feeling sadness and empathy for you. Stop discussing with him, gather financials and visit a solicitor. Do not tell him. Know your options, mentally prepared then choose your future. Good luck. You deserve so much better.

Just leave him. What’s the point of staying in an unhappy relationship? The anger and eggshells is not normal

He is a very controlling man. He will blame you for everything including his own feelings and behaviour. He is a bully.

Do not try to reason or make peace with this man. It won’t work. Visualise yourself surrounded by an impenetrable bubble. Every time he insults you, or shouts at you, let it bounce off your bubble. Whenever you are in a room with him, make sure the bubble is surrounding you and protecting you.

You need to make your own plans. Do not tell him what you are doing. Instead be calm and breezy in his presence. Act as though everything is fine and all is well in your world. This will shock him because, until now, he has controlled the way you feel which, being the bully he is, has made him feel powerful. Tell yourself that this isn’t going to happen any more and that his words and behaviour won’t touch you.

Plan your time so you spend as little time as possible in the house with him. Go for walks, see friends, do the shopping, take yourself off to the cinema or for a coffee….make your own life worth living with little acts of self-care. This will give you space and strength. Seek counselling for yourself.

You are more powerful than you think. Yes he has tried to disempower you because he is a very weak man. Take your power back, make your plans and live your life. You are strong.

Wishing you well. 💐

Sounds like he is or has been having and affair and just likes to try to blame you. Without actually saying what he has been doing.
He sounds controlling and mean.
You need to get the house sold and both stay away from each other .
For the sake of your child who still lives at home.
I bet you have done nothing wrong . It's sounds like he has knocked you down for 20 years not the other way round .

He will say anything and everything to make you feel crazy. He’s just throwing a lot of words at you, to see what lands. For your own health, “grey rock” him. Don’t give him any more power. No more curiosity. No more questions about where he’s been. No more interest in him at all.
I know it’s hard, but every time you give him an ounce of attention or energy, he’s going to be trying to twist you around.
he clearly enjoys the power over you, likes making you upset.

take your power back by removing all energy and attention from him. If you have to fake it, do that, and get yourself behind a secure closed door before you let any emotion show.

I hope you get free of him soon. I’m sorry, but he’s no good. He’s following the abuse playbook almost to the letter.

“why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft might help open your eyes.

Jesus wept. This all sounds so disturbing. You're constantly trying to navigate the moods and anger of this impossible man.

You must be exhausted. And anxious. And most of the time, just bewildered. What's going to happen next? Is he in a good mood today?

Just stop.

You cannot 'win' this. He is not interested in a happy, content life with you. He is a bully and deeply unpleasant.

The flying off the handle when you ask questions about something they are trying to hide or that they know is a problem (e.g. missing money or an affair partner) is very typical deflecting behaviour. It's designed to stop you asking.

I bet you can't imagine a life where you don't have this kind of strife going on from your h. I couldn't either. But I do now. It's been hard but the absolute pleasure of not having to deal with the utterly impossible behaviour of a difficult person is bliss. You can have it. Can you start to get out ? For the sake of your mental well being.

Let him blame you. Let him say what he likes. Just let him. He chats utter and total shit. Let him. Nasty bully.

And get yourself out.

He is a very damaging person to be around. He is damaging you and your children.

Escape. I'm sorry. I have experienced this and it destroys you.

You are not stupid. Nor are you a failure. Not one bit. You are trying to cope living with a horrendous creature. It is impossible.

He is trying to rewrite history, so that he can mentally (and it seems loudly out loud) blame you for his actions. It's so that he can sleep at night basically, because if he can blame you then none of the awful things that he is doing are really his fault (except that they are). It's part of The Script and is really common.

Your job is to run every word out of his mouth though a bullshit filter. Expect that 99% of it will be bullshit, even if you can't tell which 99%. I doubt there's anything to be gained from telling him that that's what you're doing, just do it to yourself and keep your facial expressions and words to him as interesting basic a dull grey piece of rock (hence the term grey rock).

Of course no marriage guidance counsellor would say that.

Of course no friend/ his mum/ whoever would say that if they knew the full story.

Of course you didn't spend the last 20 years devoting yourself to ruining his life.

Of course you aren't responsible for his anger.

Of course not all men would expect sex when they've been utter arseholes to their partners.

etc etc.

You've been poisoned by his manipulation for donkeys years, so you're likely to find it a challenge to reorient yourself and your BS detector to begin with. The further away from him you get, gradually you'll recalibrate.

been there done that, got the t-shirt. And yes he was cheating by the end, but it was such a relief to find out.

Divorce has been blissful, if expensive. He was shocked to the core when I told him, and couldn’t believe it. He wanted me to stay so the abuse could continue.

Don’t give this loser a second of your thoughts, let him live in his own bile. He has the emotional maturity of a child, look at how he reacts- he requires decades of intensive therapy to get over this but he wants to stay as a toddler and blame someone else.

You have become used to his dysfunction, and once you start to see and experience normal interactions between people it is going to be shocking.

The quickest way out of this mess is to divorce him as soon and as hard as possible. If you have to walk away with zero… just the clothes on your back, it will be worth it.

how fo I even bring it up to someone that this is what’s happening

You have a conversation and say “there is something I wanted to tell you. X and I are going to se separating. Things have been progressively worse for several years and i just have to.”

He went AWOL as a power trip. I wouldn't put it past him to threaten suicide etc as you break up. It's another way to abuse you and try to make it look like anything bad is your fault.

He's not going to civil and friendly, he's going to be a nightmare. Toughen up and live separately as soon as you can.