Angry husband

[ruuboo]

This is a long one so I’m sorry …. Have been married for over 20 years 2 children. My DH has always been temperamental and anger easily triggered. He deals with his emotions by going into himself, silent treatment a tone of voice, when I eventually get to the bottom of a problem it has then opened the floodgates of everything that is wrong. He has also been quite critical of how we are intimate and once children came along these arguments intensified. I began to feel that was all he cared about. This then led to more difficulties and cruel words, moods, anger. Over the years the anger became more general and sometimes I could walk in and out of a room and the mood had changed. The level of anger is the same for something insignificant to something serious and this has confused me. I spend a lot time trying to get to the bottom of the moods however if I ever showed I was upset in anyway there was no discussion or care just the same level of anger. I became more withdrawn and stopped ever talking about anything which I was upset about. The moods increased and the insults and anger were always aimed eventually about intimacy. I felt confused and scared as even when we were in a good place there was always something else which was thrown at me that was wrong. I suppose I then became more withdrawn and distant. Thus cycle has gone on and on. I am so resentful at the anger and the hurtful personal things said. DH tells me he is going to sell our home leave me when he is angry and doesn’t understand that makes me feel I have no security and no control. This week things have escalated DH seemed normal and happy, he has a customer whom he has been spending a lot of time with, we were on our way to a family event and I asked a simple question about the customer, all hell broke loose he demanded to go home, angry with me and accusing me of accusing him of something, which I wasn’t I was do shocked and my heckles rose that it was bizarre snd then I did start to think something was going on. Since this time he has been awful telling me how I have made him feel he doesn’t want to be with me were over he won’t talk I keep leaving the house and sitting in my car til the early hours just to be out of there, tonight he came home and was so rude to me and was drunk, he doesn’t ever drink - I am disgusted at his behaviour and have now just ignored him and stayed away from him - I really don’t know what to do I am terrified and scared and tiny know what to do.

@ruuboo my secondary email address involves the digits 007 - I totally get how you feel -

Why do these bouts of sheer desperation happen out of the blue, I’d gone 2 days no tears and feeling slightly more normal but then today a problem happened in the house and I tried to sort myself, but couldn’t solve it. Messaged Him expecting a call or for him to atleast come and help, I got basic text message and no call or help - this has set me back and ended up getting really cross he eventually turned up hours later and told me it wasn’t something he could fix so didn’t bother ringing or coming. I’d lost my mind at this point as my and our kids are freezing cold with no water ! He then went on about how hard he is finding it and I’m angry all of the time and speak to him rudely ! He then went on a rant how his affair and him leaving for someone else was my fault and I needed to get over it - I’m right back to day one again crying desperate, I’m not sleeping not eating, the nights are the worst im so lonely and feel like no one cares, I know that’s not true but it still keeps messing with my mind. I don’t have anyone to talk to and feel so do alone all of the time even in a crowded room. I miss him so much which makes me feel so bad about myself this is just the worst it’s like grief that no one else care about. I want to confront the OW but kniw that’s stupid - then I start thinking about all the other poor women who are going through this and being crippled by the actions of the men who promised to protect them and support them. I feel stupid for feeling so low as know that he does not make me the person that I am, I am an individual with my own brain, own life but I feel I gave that to someone and they destroyed it. Please tell me this does get easier and that those of us going through this now will start to regain our strength and self respect.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry you feel like this

First of all, practically you need to find a handyman or ask your friends for recommendations for tradesmen

Secondly, never ask him for help he will not help you

Thirdly, please, please, please do the freedom programme. Contact Womens Aid they will help you you are an abused wife he sounds horrific and you need mental health support to get you through this. I'm not gonna say it's easy. I've done the freedom program three times but now I am an independent woman and very happily so.

I've been in your situation and I've come so far please please please get some help xx

He tells me different and now I’ve started questioning that I was a terrible wife, didn’t show him enough love and respect , feel so low and can’t imagine how anyone could just up and leave their entire family - why did he stay for so long if it were as bad as he says. How on earth do I start afresh all my friends are settled and married and have their own life, how do I rebuild my own life and make friends, deal with the fallout of his choice , work, support our children through this mess, find time to grieve a life that no longer exists and deal with an elderly parent with dementia who keeps asking about him and sending their love to him!

You need practical support, my darling. Go to Womens Aid go to your GP.

You weren't a terrible wife. He has to say those things because he has to try to make himself believe them. If he believes that you were awful & it was "your fault" he had an affair it takes away the guilt and inadequacy he feels deep down.

If you weren't the terrible person he is trying to believe you were (which you weren't) then he has to face the fact that he's a man with poor morals, no self control and is an all-round bastard who has hurt someone terribly and messed up his kids' lives. He doesn't want to face this or accept it.

You will get through this. It will be hard & it will hurt but you will survive. You need to be strong now for your kids' sake.
If you feel you need to talk to someone & have no one in real life call the Samaritans. Or write it all down then rip up the paper or burn it.
You need an outlet for your feelings.
Also keep posting on here, lots of us have been through it & understand how you feel xx

Yes it gets better but you need to be kind to yourself first and foremost. You have had a terrible blow and have been completely deceived by someone you loved and thought you would be with forever. Of course you are reeling and finding everything massively hard.
it is time to take care of yourself, take the pressure off where you can. Some days all you can do is get through the day and make it into bed. Just do the essential things like get the heating on, food, work, dependents (the ones that can’t actually look after themselves) and forget everything else, learn, read and recover. There are a lot of good books on Amazon, a few that helped me are :-

Wise words for women
Why does he do that?
If he’s so great, why do I feel so bad?

It WILL get better OP, scream, cry, journal, make a list of shit that he has done to you and keep reading it - concentrate on healing and little by little you will start feeling a bit better each day and you will start to look forward to that day when you are out the other side. ♥️

Ps his anger came from a place of emotional immaturity. He wasn't happy in your marriage for whatever reason but he lacked the emotional maturity to express & discuss this and instead was horrible to you in a bid to make you end it - again to make him feel better, you would then be the "bad one".
My exH behaved in exactly the same way.

He didn't want to come to help you with the problem in your house & was difficult about it because it taps into his guilt to see you & his kids upset or needing support. He is too immature to cope with those feelings.

The thing to realise is he may never be truly happy or content even with another woman. He is an inadequate man who will have a less than perfect relationship with his kids & will at some point regret his life choices & his behaviour.

You have a chance to build strong relationships with your kids away from him. You can live a life without someone who makes you feel worthless and insecure.

One day you will realise he has done you a favour by leaving. He wasn't good enough for you.

Nothing, absolutely nothing could be as bad as kowtowing to this piece of absolute shit. How DARE he say the utter shit he says to you? He's talking absolute and complete shite and you need to tell him that and then just greyrock him. No answers except 'you're talking shit mate, you're deluded'

@ruuboo - please do not think your husband has some searing insight in how you failed him. He does know that he failed to keep himself in check (anger is a choice) and this nastiness is just more of the same. The idea is to hurt you and build up his ego.

You will be able to build a better life trust me, but the first part is understanding that your husband would rather manipulate you than end things and give you some dignity. I would be making plans today to get on with a new life.

Thank you all for your brilliant supportive replies. I wanted to update as have just lived through the worst weekend so far, I had a complete breakdown, became irrational and was not sleeping, not eating and allowing him to keep piling the hatred on me.

He returned again last night, with an attitude, I was still crying (have cried continuously which I didn't think was physically possible) I sat and listened to him going on and on about how he was feeling, how I didn't take any responsibility for anything, it went on and on. I sat there and as he talked I just had a moment of complete clarity, he was an idiot! He told me things about myself which were so far away from the actual person I am (and one thing I do do well is self reflection so know that I am not a hard faced cow, uncaring, avoid taking responsibility etc etc) as he spoke I just thought, you are talking absolute shite and rewriting our entire life into something it wasn't. You have rewritten the personality of the person you have spent your whole adult life with, to make yourself feel better but I realised that as much as he says all that, he knows that is not the person I am or was deep down, it is all to boost his own ego and to hurt me. He said yes I lied, yes I deceived you but I've said I'm sorry so what else do you want? It was like the carnage he was causing meant absolutely nothing at all, it was at that moment that I realised she was more than welcome to him, he is no longer my problem, does not define who I am as a woman and does not get to tell me anything anymore, not about how he is feeling, what he perceives me to have done (which amounts to me being occasionally a bit off with him when he was shouting at me and not sharing with him things I needed support with in my life, which I have said yes I did do that it was my own choice and I take responsibility for doing that, as when I did share things he would just get angry and turn it back round on me). He fails to remember the woman who was here every day, working, raising his children, providing a warm and welcoming home, loving and respecting him. never nagging, never complaining, supporting him through his challenges, welcoming him home every night, cooking, cleaning, running his errands, etc etc.

As he was talking I just stood up and said "you are only saying this stuff to hurt me, and you can't hurt me anymore than I am already, I know that it isn't true and if you believe any of the crap you spout to me, then you did not know me at all and that is really really sad. Do what you want, shag who you want, I don't care anymore"

I made myself something to eat, arranged a counselling session for today, went to bed and slept like a baby.

I don't want him, he is a moron, she is welcome to him and today is the first day of my new life! I feel liberated as well as heartbroken, betrayed and scared, this weekend was my lowest point and I know the coming months will be hard but know that I will get through them, I've even started to think about all the pretty pastel things me and my girls can fill our new home with! Thank you thank you thank you for your supportive messages, they really made a massive difference this weekend x

Well done you !!! I bet he was absolutely gobsmacked - big asshole.

You're right. He's saying these things to hurt you and convince you it was all your fault. Don't listen to it anymore !

@ruuboo he needs to learn that sometimes sorry doesn't always make it right- my H when I found out about an emotional affair from many years ago and where he had been acting disloyally used the expression 'how long do I have to wear the hair shirt for, I've said I'm sorry'
And yep he genuinely thought saying sorry meant everything went back to normal for me- we are still married but I've never 100% felt the same.

@ruuboo
Good for you, girl! 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼

What an utter twat.

Now channel that anger into getting sh*t done.

Thank goodness you have found that anger at the way you have been treated!

I hope your counselling session goes well!

Please harness your anger & take some practical steps, book an appointment with a solicitor, start getting your financial documents together!

Get rid of this abusive man!