Angry husband

[ruuboo]

This is a long one so I’m sorry …. Have been married for over 20 years 2 children. My DH has always been temperamental and anger easily triggered. He deals with his emotions by going into himself, silent treatment a tone of voice, when I eventually get to the bottom of a problem it has then opened the floodgates of everything that is wrong. He has also been quite critical of how we are intimate and once children came along these arguments intensified. I began to feel that was all he cared about. This then led to more difficulties and cruel words, moods, anger. Over the years the anger became more general and sometimes I could walk in and out of a room and the mood had changed. The level of anger is the same for something insignificant to something serious and this has confused me. I spend a lot time trying to get to the bottom of the moods however if I ever showed I was upset in anyway there was no discussion or care just the same level of anger. I became more withdrawn and stopped ever talking about anything which I was upset about. The moods increased and the insults and anger were always aimed eventually about intimacy. I felt confused and scared as even when we were in a good place there was always something else which was thrown at me that was wrong. I suppose I then became more withdrawn and distant. Thus cycle has gone on and on. I am so resentful at the anger and the hurtful personal things said. DH tells me he is going to sell our home leave me when he is angry and doesn’t understand that makes me feel I have no security and no control. This week things have escalated DH seemed normal and happy, he has a customer whom he has been spending a lot of time with, we were on our way to a family event and I asked a simple question about the customer, all hell broke loose he demanded to go home, angry with me and accusing me of accusing him of something, which I wasn’t I was do shocked and my heckles rose that it was bizarre snd then I did start to think something was going on. Since this time he has been awful telling me how I have made him feel he doesn’t want to be with me were over he won’t talk I keep leaving the house and sitting in my car til the early hours just to be out of there, tonight he came home and was so rude to me and was drunk, he doesn’t ever drink - I am disgusted at his behaviour and have now just ignored him and stayed away from him - I really don’t know what to do I am terrified and scared and tiny know what to do.

You can’t reason with unreasonable people. You still seem to be hoping he will see he is the one at fault here. It won’t happen. He’s stuck at toddler stage of self awareness.

You will get your ‘revenge’ by living well and peacefully. The chances of his affair partner turning into a long and happy relationship are tiny.

Focus on you and the children and the practicalities. Stay safe. He will be extremely angry he hasn’t broken you or you’re not suffering enough.

God help you and any children that have witnessed him.

It really sounds horrendous.

Simply, he’s sleeping with someone else and has to rewrite history to make you the poisonous witch so that he can justify what he’s doing.

You need to stay deadly calm and take control. The anger will come. Get things moving. Time to separate properly.

Your mum prepped you well. You’re in good shape to move forward on your own.

He has treated you with utter, utter contempt. He is not who you thought he was. He will never be that person again. Time to take control and win this. Tell people what he’s done. It will help drive you forward. Don’t let him write the narrative. See a solicitor.

I’m so sorry, OP. They’re all the same and it’s beyond cruel when they behave this way.

First reply nails it.

Well what a couple of months this has been, it’s been the worse of my life and some hand holding us needed. Despite the behaviour the charm came back and apologies and I fell for it big time, I am humiliated beyond belief that I did that. Despite numerous clues and angry behaviour resurfacing I was so dependent that I caved in the hope of a life which never really existed. I showed understanding and kindness, empathy and care to have it spectacularly thrown into my face on Christmas Day, an episode of a soap opera would struggle to compare. Despite naively believing his lies on the big day he had obviously arranged to spend time with her, he did not go as has a doting wife and kids at home, she threw a paddy and he announced their affair for all to hear.

I feel completely destroyed and worthless but have learnt a valuable lesson - trust no
one

Please don't use paddy like that, it's an anti Irish slur.

I'm sorry you had such a bad Christmas. Please get yourself free, you deserve so much better.

Seriously that’s all you have to contribute to this thread?

Telling a woman to leave an abusive cheating husband?

Re the language, I would report but have been directed by MNHQ to challenge on thread instead. I think that's a shitty policy for many reasons, but it's the policy so here we are.

Wash your hands of him and walk away. Throw him out if you haven’t already. Take control !!!

I am so sorry you are going through this, what a horrible experience on Christmas Day.
I hope you are Ok and have some good support around you.

I am so sorry to read this @ruuboo . What an awful thing to happen. Remember, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You gave your relationship every chance and prioritised your family. You have maintained your marriage vows and behaved in a loving, compassionate way. He is the one, and only one, to blame for this. Hold your head high. You will survive this. He, on the other hand, will be full of regrets and self-pity in years to come. He is weak; you are strong.

💐 for you. May the year ahead bring you peace. Seek counselling for yourself. Having someone to talk to will help you find your path through this.

I hate hate hate the term but that's overly harsh.

I’m so so sorry I had no idea or the terminology and the meaning, ignorance is no excuse I know and will never use the term again. Apologies again

No worries OP, thanks for taking it in the intended spirit.

What's your next step do you think? Do you have support? Can you get out?

Be gentle with yourself @ruuboo 💐

You are being abused. It’s not your fault and you do not deserve it. Contact women’s aid right away to get support and advice to make an exit plan. He won’t get better. He will only get worse. Read this book and it will help you to see the abuse your suffering and why men like this behave as they do.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You have to leave for your own safety. I don’t know if the children are still at home or grown up but you should take them with you if they’re still minors.

Do NOT tell him you plan to leave as this is the most dangerous time for women fleeing domestic abuse.

You can be free and you can have a better life than this. Please contact women’s aid and start the ball rolling.

@ruuboo
Your thread title reads ‘Angry Husband’
Your H is only angry because he hoped the way he was treating you would make you
a) leave him
b) make you dislike/hate him
c) tell him to get out and leave
Either one of these happening would have resulted in you looking like the ‘bad guy’
BUT instead you chose (because you sound lovely/intelligent/loyal and committed to your wedding vows) to put up with him and take him back which has backfired on him as it has all blown up in his face as he knows everyone will realise what an absolute asshole he really is
He in effect spontaneously combusted on xmas day resulting in him ‘outing’ himself as a
terrible person who tried to blame it all on you by continually gaslighting you over the years…
You will feel so free once the prick is gone from your household
Good luck to you OP 🍀❤️

Sorry for your anger.

I was in a similar situation, it took me two years to definitely decide to leave putting money away a bit at a time just in case. I learned to ‘observe not absorb’ his behaviour and it helped me get the emotional distance I needed. Now I look at him and wonder what I ever saw in him. You will get there, stop thinking ‘does he like me?’ And start thinking ‘Do I like him?’
sending hugs & strength OP

I’ve reached the level of despair which sits between complete and utter rage and desperation. I am turning into Sherlock bloomin homes in a dressing gown! I’ve started trawling through emails, paperwork etc and have discovered huge sums of money being spent on I can only presume the she devil, have discovered through my skills this is not her first dalliance with a married man, that my stupid husband is playing me like a fiddle, still angry with me, still trying to exert his control through that anger. I’ve contacted a solicitor and for the first time in 4 months have not cried today! I am quite proud of myself.

Im furious he has left me and the kids and still spending like a mad man, expensive items have been sold, but no sign of money in account. We’re eating what’s in the house and he’s off doing whatever he likes eating in fancy restaurants, buying crap - I’m just so so angry.

the fact that in front of everyone else it’s business as usual is playing havoc on me, I’m not sleeping, googling ridiculous things which just give me more pain. I need to start pushing forwards but the rage sets in and I’m so so angry, then sad, then scared of the future.

I miss him, which is just awful considering the behaviour but I do and that makes me hanker for a life I never had and never will again.

why is this so difficult ?

Oh @ruuboo you poor thing - he's an absolute piece of work. But anger at the very least is a more proactive place to be. I'm in a similar position to you albeit afaik my angry one isn't cheating.
But I've been angry for a long time now and it's empowering - I do keep cracking and then tears come but for now I need to stay focussed and either be angry, or forget that situation and enjoy being with the kids, or friends or at work. Don't forget your relationship isn't 100% of your time or energy - your life has always been so much more than him so try to dilute his effect by increasing time on the things that keep you happy - including those pervasive thoughts. Also remember you're grieving and what you're missing and lonely for is the idea of him, the version of him that kept you by his side and facilitated the bullying.
I've now filed for the big D - FYI it costs £593 (joint application as he agreed to it on Friday which I think was a tactic as since I've paid the fee he's gone into shock and poor me mode). They also enforce a 20 week waiting period which is bizarre and totally seems to put people at risk, as it surely maximises the risk, given what PP said: Do NOT tell him you plan to leave as this is the most dangerous time for women fleeing domestic abuse.
Sending love and strength - we can do this...

Godspeed the divorce @ruuboo , feel your anger, it gets easier and will turn to contempt. To try and get a bit of distance I ‘renamed’ my H in my phone contacts with a character on TV who had similar characteristics and he’s so fucking delusional it could only be Joffrey 😂 strangely it helps 😆

My god you're a saint to have put up with this for so long . It's not a healthy environment at all . I'm not one for shouting LTB but unless he gets help and makes changes this would be my next step . I cannot imagine not being able to relax in your own home

This made me giggle, although it should not as you have suffered this , but I renamed my MIL Cersaie yesterday !