Angry husband

[ruuboo]

This is a long one so I’m sorry …. Have been married for over 20 years 2 children. My DH has always been temperamental and anger easily triggered. He deals with his emotions by going into himself, silent treatment a tone of voice, when I eventually get to the bottom of a problem it has then opened the floodgates of everything that is wrong. He has also been quite critical of how we are intimate and once children came along these arguments intensified. I began to feel that was all he cared about. This then led to more difficulties and cruel words, moods, anger. Over the years the anger became more general and sometimes I could walk in and out of a room and the mood had changed. The level of anger is the same for something insignificant to something serious and this has confused me. I spend a lot time trying to get to the bottom of the moods however if I ever showed I was upset in anyway there was no discussion or care just the same level of anger. I became more withdrawn and stopped ever talking about anything which I was upset about. The moods increased and the insults and anger were always aimed eventually about intimacy. I felt confused and scared as even when we were in a good place there was always something else which was thrown at me that was wrong. I suppose I then became more withdrawn and distant. Thus cycle has gone on and on. I am so resentful at the anger and the hurtful personal things said. DH tells me he is going to sell our home leave me when he is angry and doesn’t understand that makes me feel I have no security and no control. This week things have escalated DH seemed normal and happy, he has a customer whom he has been spending a lot of time with, we were on our way to a family event and I asked a simple question about the customer, all hell broke loose he demanded to go home, angry with me and accusing me of accusing him of something, which I wasn’t I was do shocked and my heckles rose that it was bizarre snd then I did start to think something was going on. Since this time he has been awful telling me how I have made him feel he doesn’t want to be with me were over he won’t talk I keep leaving the house and sitting in my car til the early hours just to be out of there, tonight he came home and was so rude to me and was drunk, he doesn’t ever drink - I am disgusted at his behaviour and have now just ignored him and stayed away from him - I really don’t know what to do I am terrified and scared and tiny know what to do.

I would also expect suicide threats.

Op, I hope you are ok. Don't be sucked into any of his drama. He will try and escalate it if he senses you're not responding in way he wants or is used to.

I found messages on his phone I confronted him he blamed me and I told him to leave I’m completely and utterly broken

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope this gives you the strength you need to leave. Happy and calm days lie ahead, although they might feel very far away now.

It's very telling. When you press them for information on a sensitive area then they go bonkers.

This is not your fault. It’s all on him. Yes, of course he will blame you because he won’t want to take responsibility for his actions but this really isn’t about you.

Cheaters cheat whoever they are with. Haters hate whoever they are with. It’s important to remember that.

This is the time to focus on yourself, look after yourself and work towards your goals. Instead of focusing on him, his needs, what he is doing, direct that energy onto yourself. You will soon realise how much of your energy he took up walking on eggshells and trying to please him.

You deserve so much better and you will find your way through this.

Sending you strength and care 💐

I know it doesn't feel like it, but the trash has taken itself out.

OP take a minute. Your heads all over the place and you now need to form a plan. Think with the head and not your heart right now. What he is doing to you is abuse. What the children are aware of is the abuse. You need to stop trying to be everything to everyone else and nothing for yourself. Firstly sit the older one down and explain what's going on and likely to happen. Depending on young ones age them too. See a solicitor, gather all your and his financial paperwork together and get your ducks in a row.

Once you know where you stand, sort out where your living. Kick him out if you can. Literally kick him out OP and let him tantrum. Call the police and advise of abuse of he kicks off again. Just do it don't pre warn him. Stop bloody pandering to him now. Of he can't talk then don't engage at all over anything until he learns to talk with you not at you. Start divorce proceedings and seriously get tough, he will try and hack away at you.

My friend gave me this golden nugget of advice she said 'he's judging you by his standards, you are judging him by yours'

Meaning he claims you are hateful, planning his destruction etc but what he really means is that he is doing this to you- he is projecting his own emotional damage on you.

I've just read the entire thread and it seems to me he is unclear about your relationship status, also you keep asking him questions that are way too personal about your relationship I.e why's did your mum say- that was always going to spark a reaction and it was always going to be negative.

I know you can't see the wood from the trees, but you need to grey rock. 🪨 make it clear it's over, only engage on the absolute necessary. From what you have typed you know he hasn't been faithful, you know he treats you poorly, he has no remorse or respect for you.

Plan your future, sell your house and move on. You can't continue to live like this. You have the absolute inner strength to find your happiness, because you have put up with so much for so long x

You’ve had some excellent advice from here. You should heed the messages that others have given you.
It’s just an awful awful existence when the marriage descends to this point.

Ive been there and wear the T-shirt. It was almost identical to your story, with his anger being the main reason but in essence he hated me. I was - and to this day - unsure as to what caused it. I gave my all for 20 plus years. I am such a people pleaser… which I’m now working on… but I just had a lightbulb moment.

He and his attitude, his anger and his entitlement was actually slowly killing me. I knew it would send me to an early grave.

Please consider these suggestions:

Grey Rock method. Just don’t engage. You’ll feed him with your responses which, as you’re discovering, don’t work.

Find a counsellor. Tell a friend what’s happening. Get a team of family and friends around you.

Talk to Womens Aid. I found it easier to email them.

Get all financial information together. Take photos. Photocopy them. Include your marriage certificate. Maybe concentrate on doing that when he goes AWOL. Make use of the time!

Find a solicitor. You can apply for a no fault divorce. I can’t begin to tell you the relief I felt walking out of her office having told her the whole story. You’ll need to take all the financial info with you when you go.

I’ve had a lot of counselling, a spell on ADs over the years.

Suffice to say, I’m in a much much better place now. The assets were split in the divorce. My home is now calm and full of humour and laughter. Nobody raises their voice. They don’t need to… if there’s a problem, it gets discussed.

Eggshells are put in the bin after making breakfast and that’s the ONLY place they have in this home.

It won’t be an easy ride, but you need to divorce.

Keep coming back. The nest of wise MNetters will get you through.

Once you’re through the other side, you will be relieved to be free of him and his moods and his accusations.

So let him call you mad, or place all the blame on you, but you just have to ignore it because it doesn’t matter. He’s using it as a weapon to diminish you.

in terms of going through a divorce, to the extent you can, try and keep a business head on you. This is a transaction you need to get through. The courts do not care who is in the right or the wrong, who is more abusive or not so anything that is about point scoring in those areas is utterly irrelevant.

• Minimise all interactions
• Walk away and say you’ll come back to talk to him where things need talking about if he is being unreasonable or rude
• Be completely objective and don’t get sidetracked by any accusations / meanness
• Move into a spare room and make it very nice
• gather copies of all your records (2 yrs of bank statements, all accounts, any pension statements) but critically any of his. If he’s crap with money, he’ll be rubbish getting his form E together and probably hide stuff
• Remember that any cash you have in the bank to pay for your lawyer will count towards the 50-50 split. Now is the time to think about what you can pre-pay or potentially even take out in cash and hide!! I took out £200 a week in cash throughout the course of my divorce so I had this nice little slush fund for doing things

Courts want to see a 50-50 split of assets, and that there is some decision about where any children live. Anything else – his affair, your role in crap sex, his nastiness etc etc - is not even relevant and wastes time and money when it gets argued over

Well now you know OP.

This relationship was over so long ago, and I know that’s hard to accept, but you do know this. He’s been thinking you’d break it off long before now and not just take all the shit he’s been throwing.

Now it’s time to start getting organised for you and DC. Get a solicitor appointment as soon as you can. Find out details of wages savings pensions. Your aim now is to get the best settlement possible for you.

He’s had a head start. You’re playing catch up. He may already have started hiding money.

Sorry you’re going through this. But honestly OP he sounds awful. He isn’t the man you thought you married. Time to wake up to that reality and mobilise.

💐

So sorry for what you are going through.
This man has treated you terribly and ramped up the terror because he’s a cheat.
Look up DARVO - where someone projects their awful behaviours on to you.
Keep posting on here the MN who have been through this have the best advice.
You must feel absolutely shattered. But there is freedom and peace coming.

I am so sorry. What an absolute tosser he is.

I can promise you though, you will get to the other side of this with your dignity and spirit intact.

Never again do you have to consider his feelings in anything you do. Yes it is brutal now, but you’ve cut the head off the snake.

I guess this is a shocking thing to say but “Happy Christmas!” And Happy New Year! They are going to be so much better than you can imagine.

I’m struggling , the realisation of my marriage ending has not been easy I just think of all the good times we’ve had and over thinking what I’ve done wrong I still haven’t told anyone this has happened and I don’t even know who or how to tell. I realise how isolated I’ve been and that makes me so sad as I can’t think of a single person who I can confide in. I’m just hiding away from everyone.
we are just keeping out of each others way, being civil but he has made it clear there is no going back. I don’t understand how anyone can just close the door in someone they have spent their adult life with, I wish I was coping as well as he is. I know all the advice in here has been invaluable I have the ducks lined up but the complexity of our lives and finances is do intertwined and I cannot afford to leave in fact neither of us can. How on earth do I get through this emotionally I feel a sense of commitment and respect for someone who isn’t checked in anymore I’m just so lost - is this normal?

He's already detached though, he had already moved on to someone else.

He had a head start from that point of you.

It's very early days be kind to yourself.

Oh @ruuboo , this will be so painful for you. Those feelings of loss but also absolute confusion and betrayal are shocking. As a previous poster said, he’s had a head start so has had more control over events than you. My advice to you is that every time you think of him or think of your past as a couple, bring your thoughts back to YOU and do something nice for yourself. I suspect you have spent much of your time thinking of him and prioritising him. No more. It’s a hard habit to break but it is possible to retrain your brain. When those thoughts go to him, say (out loud) “Enough!” And mean it!

Who knows how this will pan out in months or years to come OP….he may think he has it all sussed right now but I’m pretty confident that things won’t work out the way he thinks.

Please seek counselling for yourself if you haven’t already. Having someone to talk this through with is priceless.

Remember that however horrendous things feel right now, they will feel different in a year’s time. This too shall pass OP.

💐

I start to feel okish but then the realisation hits like a hammer I’m not sure how to function. I feel so pathetic that I’m falling to pieces whilst he is carrying on as normal all the plans we’d made, even for Christmas are playing on my mind. I feel so needy and just want to beg him to stop and make this ok, that makes me feel even worse. I know I’m being a wuss but don’t actually know what else to do I can’t go out as have enough money to last the month for food and petrol I can’t go anywhere is the house without seeing memories. The past 2 weeks have been awful with arguments (well with him shouting at me) things have atleast calmed but weekends are the hardest as it seems so long I know I need to take control but I’m so angry and resentful, I really hope I get a eureka moment and behave like a boss bitch and take control of my own future and really want that moment to arrive pronto !!! This is so shit

You are expecting so much of yourself when it is still very early days!

Take one day, one minute at a time. Just get through that. When you start to feel overwhelmed, just breathe; that’s all you need to do to get through. Small goals…breathing…getting through.

Is there someone you can stay with? Family? A friend? I know you said you haven’t told anyone but I think telling someone outside your home is important. This is too much for you to bear alone. Is there someone you can stay with? Like you say OP, you’re not going to heal while he is there standing next to you with the threat of an argument looming. No-one could heal in that environment. Please think about where you can go to seek that space.

How dare he carry on as normal. When does he plan to move out? He needs to go OP. Painful though that will be, you need your home to be a safe space. You can’t heal while he is there.

Please tell someone. If you are in the UK please self-refer to your NHS Talking Therapies service for counselling or, if you work, see if there is an employee assistance programme you can access for support.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Have you contacted Women's aid for advice and support?
Please contact them.

OP I am so sorry. I could have written your post myself. I am going through another cycle of crazy making myself too. Here is a snapshot of the last few days

Blocked me on WhatsApp

Took off ring again.

Sending messages stating he hates me

Calling me stubborn repeatedly

I have no self control apparently.

Threatens to sleep with other women and then make sure he tells me about it.

Said when he is in a better place than he is with me he is going to make sure he know about it.

Repeatedly said I’m a dangerous woman

Worst woman he has ever met

I don’t love you.

You are a danger to me.

You are a bully.

He wants pure love and anything less is not good enough

This is some of many all because I called him out on lying to me about his whereabouts.

I have found keeping a journal helps. Yet still not quite found the strength to leave. I wrote something which may help which I have put below. Just wish I could take my own advice

So what’s the purpose of this outpouring?* It is for anyone in similar situations, who feels utterly useless and alone to know this: you are not alone. There are people out there who understand what you’re going through. You are not going crazy, and you are not the awful person they make you out to be.
I won’t tell you to leave or to take specific actions because I understand that such advice often feels unhelpful and unrealistic. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s not as simple as just walking away. You may feel trapped in a cycle of confusion and despair, and hearing someone tell you to "just leave" can feel dismissive. It’s not just about the relationship; it’s about the years of shared experiences, the moments that felt genuine, and the love that once seemed unbreakable.
It’s also about the fear that comes with leaving. Fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, fear of losing what little stability you have left. Leaving isn’t just a physical act; it’s an emotional upheaval that can shake the very foundation of who you are.
Instead, I want to encourage you to acknowledge your feelings and validate your experiences. You deserve to be heard and supported. Understand that it’s okay to feel lost and that your feelings are legitimate. Understand it’s not ok to be treated that way.
You are stronger than you think, and your journey to reclaiming your sense of self and well-being is valid. Remember, you are not defined by someone else’s perception of you. You have the right to seek happiness and to prioritise you.*

That was so helpful to read so thank you, the feelings you wrote about are so real and you are correct leaving is easier said than done when you have no stamina or courage left. I’m sorry you are living through something so similar it’s so so sad.

we are both still here things are fine for a couple of days but then it all starts again. I’ve stopped reacting I just calmly ask to not be shouted at anymore, but it doesn’t help.

I know I shouldn’t be over thinking it but cannot help wondering where the love and respect has gone all of those years destroyed by someone’s hatred and anger. I still dnt understand how anyone can behave with such anger for such a long time to someone they have shared a life with, I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy with such anger and continued resentment. Part of me was hoping that things would settle enough to have a civil relationship and discuss the future, however I don’t currently see how that is possible when the anger returns so easily.

What will he do if you ask him to leave? Just tell him he has to leave. Your life seems like a living hell and your children will be witnessing this and know exactly what he is like. Do it for your children. Change the locks and get rid of him.

Oh @ruuboo, this is horrible for you. He’s clearly going to be a bully until he decides what he’s going to do next. He’s an ‘angry person’ and the trouble with angry people is that they have to blame someone else for their unhappiness. He is going to put the decision to end your marriage on you because he is weak and won’t take responsibility.

Try to do one thing every day to empower yourself. That could be to get in touch with a counsellor, sort out your finances, speak to a solicitor, have a clearout of things you don’t need so your home is physically lighter and you are ready to move if you need to. It could also mean going for a walk or a swim, seeing a friend for coffee….anything that enables you to focus on yourself for a bit.

Nothing you do will change his behaviour. He is being incredibly cruel and abusive and that is not your fault. It’s all on him. Take back control of your future little by little. You are stronger than him even if it doesn’t feel that way. Look after yourself.

I had all this.

Stepping on eggshells,
Attempting to manage his behaviour by not doing anything to upset him.
Being told I wasn't giving him enough sex.
Called me frigid.
Threatened to sleep with other women.
Gaslighting.
Going out for days on end and not telling me where he is.
Saying I was the one who broke him and his poor mental health was my fault (never mind I had an actual breakdown myself).
Trying to keep the bullying behaviour away from my child's ears.
Blamed me for all the bad things going on in his life.
DARVO, when he said I had a master plan to manipulate him and torture him with my behaviour. Ha!
Started bullying my child, which was when I snapped.

When I told him I was divorcing him, he actually cried, but by then I was all out of fucks. He wanted to stat friends, I keep him at arms length. Our only link is our grown up child and she sorts out her own contact with him.

My life is much more peaceful now. OP, you need to plan your way out. You need peace in your life.