Grandparent wants to change date of grandchild’s birthday party OR the location

[MrRobinsonsQuango]

My mother (my children's grandmother) texted me last week to advise she is coming to our city to see an exhibition. Attending it with her best friend, my brother and his partner. She and her friend live elsewhere, myself and brother live in the same city. She asks if we could meet up and l say yes, let catch up and have dinner etc. In reality it's not a great date as l have an important professional exam l need to take (and pass!) a few days before. Plus l would have liked to attend the exhibition as well but l wasn't actually asked. My mother had booked the exhibition tickets before talking to me so there was no date discussion as it was booked

Last Saturday my husband and l did some planning for next year, so booked some leave for our summer holiday and agreed a date for our 3 year old twins birthday party. We text our respective families the agreed date for the birthday party

My mum asks can we do a birthday thing as part of her visit (it is about a month before their actual birthday). I said sure if you want to give the twins their presents early and have some cake together etc. She complained that's not "enough" and she wants it to be the actual birthday party. My husband and l are sticking to the original date as it's their birthday.

My mum now wants the birthday party date moved to when she's visiting us OR for it to be relocated to her city. She will accommodate us (under sufferance!) but thinks we need to organise and host the party. For clarity no friends or family live in her city which is a fair few hundred miles away from where we live

Totally agree.

Bizarre thing is she think she is totally laidback. Frequently tells everyone "you know me, l don't mind -l am so laidback!". "So chill about everything aren't l". Then slightest bump in the road or she doesn't get exactly what she want then she meltsdown.

This is so far away from normal expectations that you can simply laugh at it.

Not going to lie. I have thought this myself before and other people have said this to me about her.

It is an odd dynamic. As she clearly wants it ALL about her there. But then tries to act like they are super reasonable and it is EVERYONE else who is out of order. Her own special occasions are obviously not exempt from it either. Who can forget her birthday when l took annual leave to travel to where she lives, bought her a present, bought her a card and took her out for lunch (paid for it, drove her there and drove back etc). She reckons l was so out of order that day!!! If she mentions that story again in my hearing then l am going to go berserk, give it to her with both barrels then decline to speak about it ever again. My siblings weren't present for the birthday, my brother was "busy" apparently -as he often is. For clarity my brother is golden child, l am scapegoat. Siblings are super reluctant to rock the boat, brothers favourite catchphrase is "doesn't want to get involved" and sister speaks up some of the time. Even if her behaviour is out of control

‘Sorry mum no can do! I know you won’t mind though - as you always say, you’re so chill and laid back! Cheers, DaughterofNutjob’

She sounds weird - she tried to gatecrash your wedding night? Bonkers.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

She’s bonkers 😳
You could all get together to have a nice early birthday cake 🎂 sing happy birthday, blow out candles , twins get their birthday gift from granny early.

Just ignore her in the nicest possible way. Sorry Mum, it's all booked. We can have tea and birthday cake when you come.

We have 3 sets of grandparents and my sister lives the other side of the country. Me and husband both work shifts so when we plan the kids parties we plan it around us and our working schedules and then invite everyone

my sister will come if she can, if not we meet up before/afterwards and celebrate then

my mil lives 10 minutes away. We had my youngest one’s party a couple of weeks ago (about 6 weeks early) because I’m due another baby around his birthday and my husband is working weekends now until the end of October. MIL wasn’t happy because it was early and she didn’t want to attend. Honestly if we had to try and find a date to suit everyone we wouldn’t and she thinks we should just have the party closer to his birthday which wasn’t happening 🤣

She’s mad and a narcissist! Ignore!

Your mother is a red flag 🚩

No.

Why change the party date?

It sounds like she swoops in and out, nom

My mil tried this with my oldest’s first birthday - wanted us to move it to my sil’s place. I said no, and made it clear she was welcome to attend the party on the date I gave her at our home. She texted me closer to the date that her and her partner wouldn’t be coming because they “had plans”. Never brought up having plans when she asked me to move it to my sil’s place, so I doubt this was true, but it is what it is. My oldest had a great party without her there. The only person who missed out was her.

UPDATE: my mother is now not talking to me at all. She isn’t having dinner when she is nearby for the exhibition she is going to. Not sure if she is coming to the “real” birthday party we have arranged. I got a text off golden child brother probing about it all, mum “doesn’t feel welcome apparently” and l was “rude when we discussed it”. I sent screenshots showing the back and forth debate. Brother is taken aback, says “hmm yeah, that wasn’t how l was led to believe the discussion went”. I reply “yeah, thought that might be the case!”.

Increasingly l am seeing the whole set of circumstances as one big power play by my mother. She wants all things to orient round her and sets tests / traps to check if that is happening. Spoiler: they aren’t. I don’t even get everything my way, l do have a husband and 2 small children to consider. I have to compromise like most people do.

She very much does swoop in and out

It is so hard to find a date that everyone can do. At the end of the day it is fair for you and your husband to prioritise your availability!

What?????? Absolutely ridiculous and no way would I agree to either ‘suggestion’. Not a chance. She’s bonkers.

Live your life, not someone else's.

Just say sorry mum we are not going that. The party needs to be in our home town because their friends live here and we want it to be close to their birthday. Tell her if she wants another celebration when she is in town for family that's fine. And ask her to organise the cake, games etc.

Given her world view, she probably perceives that not speaking to you is the ultimate sanction; deprived of the golden glow of her approval, you will wither and die......she would be incredulous to discover that you may even be relieved to take a break. I am not suggesting for a moment going LC, but it would do no harm to avoid attempts to coax her into resuming dialogue. My guess is that she will not resist the urge to get in touch for long, if only to berate you further.
Setting your brother straight was a good move; I wonder if you could do the same to her friends? I suspect that, as PP's have said, it's either a dialogue that only passed in her own head, or they made sympathetic noises rather than challenge her.