Grandparent wants to change date of grandchild’s birthday party OR the location

[MrRobinsonsQuango]

My mother (my children's grandmother) texted me last week to advise she is coming to our city to see an exhibition. Attending it with her best friend, my brother and his partner. She and her friend live elsewhere, myself and brother live in the same city. She asks if we could meet up and l say yes, let catch up and have dinner etc. In reality it's not a great date as l have an important professional exam l need to take (and pass!) a few days before. Plus l would have liked to attend the exhibition as well but l wasn't actually asked. My mother had booked the exhibition tickets before talking to me so there was no date discussion as it was booked

Last Saturday my husband and l did some planning for next year, so booked some leave for our summer holiday and agreed a date for our 3 year old twins birthday party. We text our respective families the agreed date for the birthday party

My mum asks can we do a birthday thing as part of her visit (it is about a month before their actual birthday). I said sure if you want to give the twins their presents early and have some cake together etc. She complained that's not "enough" and she wants it to be the actual birthday party. My husband and l are sticking to the original date as it's their birthday.

My mum now wants the birthday party date moved to when she's visiting us OR for it to be relocated to her city. She will accommodate us (under sufferance!) but thinks we need to organise and host the party. For clarity no friends or family live in her city which is a fair few hundred miles away from where we live

She sounds self-absorbed and a bit bonkers. You will just have finished professional exams so will not want to be arranging a party. Your friends will think it is strange celebrating a month early, unless someone was desperately ill for example and wanted to be there. She knew over two years ago when their third birthday would be so she could have planned her trip around that if she wanted to.

A simple no that doesn't work for us should be suffice.

Have her friend's told you themselves that hey agree with her?

Why can't she visit again for her GC's bdays?

Is she busy or cba?

This is a whole new level of entitlement! Wow. I think I would have laughed assuming it was a joke. She sounds a self-absorbed nightmare.

If only you gave a toss what her friends thought hey?
Ignore her (and her friends), she is being absolutely ridiculous

Who gives shit what her friends think?

Is she always like this?

Yanbu. And her friends highly unlikely to think you are selfish. Perhaps she said "dont you think that is selfish?" And they nodded along for a quiet life. Most likely they said nothing/know nothing about it.

Your suggestion of early presents from them while visiting and cake is very accommodating.

I would be tempted to tell her that, last time you checked, the world revolves around the Sun, not her.

Wow the cheek of her!
She does realise this party is for YOUR CHILDREN NOT HER?
She either attends or doesn't.

Invite Nanny Bonkers for cake with the twins when she’s in town. End of.

In fact to mark the occasion I would be tempted to make a ‘Nanny Bonkers Early Birthday Party’ banner 😂

Just say no, a month before their birthday is crazy!
How far away does she live? Why can't she come over again for their birthday?

No bloody way. Bonkers request!

Surely you’re not doubting yourself based on what she says her friends think?
If you are, why? Based on all the examples you’ve given of her previous weird demands, you must know very well that she’s extremely unreasonable and there’s no need to even think of going along with what she wants.

She can want whatever she bloody wants - doesn't mean she'll get all, or indeed any, of it!!

"Sorry mum, that doesn't work for us at all, party will be as was, you're more than welcome to come but don't feel you have to".

What everyone else said, plus I'd now duck out of the meet up around the exhibition. It isn't a good date for you anyway and you can see it'll be a nightmare. Tactical Covid?

Not doubting myself at all. More amused that she thinks l care what her friends think. When l was a child / teenager then if l told her what my friends thought or said about her then she gave me short shrift!

Why would grandparents come to a third birthday party (unless to help, which seems unlikely…)

genuinely surprised by this, but absolutely missing helpful grandparents so maybe this is the norm…

Lol. That'd be a hard no from me.

She’s a narcissist! X

No!

No more to be said.

It’s not coincidence we live in different places. She’s good an enforcing her own boundaries but not respecting others. I know if we lived closer it would be a literal endless stream of demands e.g.can you move this furniture, drive me here, collect this etc. Despite the fact we both work full time, have 2 young children, lm doing a qualification etc. For clarity she isn’t especially elderly or unwell, just avoidant and likes delegating to others

Unless you set clear boundaries now this nonsense will continue.

No need to book any entertainment OP....just bring your mother along, she's bloody hilarious. (Hope you take this as intended-I know it must have been very difficult for you having a mum like this)

1. no they haven’t told me. I’m pretty sure just thinks they would say that 🤣
2. she can if she wants to. But doesn’t as it would be too much trouble apparently. Exhibition is on until well after their birthday. She could have combined them but either didn’t think or couldn’t be bothered
3. CBA has no caring responsibilities, work, volunteering etc

I do set boundaries. She’s just more resolute in riding rough shod over them. So l then up my boundaries. This post is for ventilation, rather than what should l do. She either attends the party on their birthday or she doesn’t. I have set my stall out and neither me or my husband are going to change our minds

Well I think for your own sanity you should probably just go as low contact as possible until your exam and the birthday is done. If you are feeling gracious, then still go out for the meal with her and your DB/SIL as planned. Good luck with it all @MrRobinsonsQuango