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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He always asks when I’m uncomfortable

151 replies

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 11:08

My partner keeps asking me for head every single night especially when I am on my reds. He knows I don’t like giving head I’ve even told him countless times before I just don’t enjoy it and I’m sorry. Past few nights when he’s asked I’ve just said maybe too him uncomfortably just because I feel like when I say no it’s a problem. What do I even do anymore? Even when it comes down to sex once or twice a week maybe is fine for me but I don’t want sex like that anymore only due to me just feeling down all the time and I’m not turned on whatsoever I’m just dealing with my own battles in my head.

Past week he’s been saying oh I’m just gonna come on your face when your asleep as a joke , yesterday he said it again and I said alright you’ve been saying this for the past week now you won’t do that so shush & he actually did sort of ..I weren’t asleep but we were laying down and I was just about too drift off. Is that even normal..? Or I don’t know if it was me who pushed him into doing it as I said you won’t do that ..

OP posts:
CountessWindyBottom · 15/10/2024 15:48

You're in an abusive relationship @FunnyHazelHedgehog. And irrespective if you invited him to ejaculate on your face daily, doing so while you were falling asleep and had not consented is in fact sexual assault. He's also using coercion to engage in sexual activity. This is absolutely not what a loving partner does......ever. You need to get out of this relationship immediately.

SunriseMonsters · 15/10/2024 15:49

You have a child with this sexual abuser? And you're allowing him to assult you then saying "maybe it's a bit off".

Wtf.

OP, people have tried to be kind but get a grip on reality. You are raising a child in a house with a man who sexually assualts you and laughs about it. And you then come here to ask if it's "normal".

You say you have your own house so throw him out, change the locks, block him, report him to the police, and tell social services that to safeguard your child she'll be having no further contact with him unless supervised by a social worker at a contact centre.

Focus on raising your child properly rather than subjecting her to further sexual predators and do not even contemplate another relationship with anybody until you've had very extensive therapy over several years and are confident you can identify sexual assault without help from strangers on the internet.

Seeing your posts stating there is a child being raised in this household with a father who commits sexual assault and finds it amusing and a mother who doesn't even seem to be able to tell when she has been assaulted is very upsetting. You will completely destroy your daughter's life unless you grow up and take appropriate actions now to protect her.

LetThereBeLove · 15/10/2024 15:51

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 11:41

I don’t speak to my mother anymore because she has problems with him but she’s said the same ages ago that she knows he is

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Might be a good idea to listen to your mother, OP.

Normallynumb · 15/10/2024 15:55

He's disgusting... and he's not joking
No means no. He's pushing your boundaries.
Get rid before he gets more demanding

andthat · 15/10/2024 15:56

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 11:41

I don’t speak to my mother anymore because she has problems with him but she’s said the same ages ago that she knows he is

Show quote history

You know it too.

So he came on your face whilst you were sleeping… after threatening to do that to you? Just think about that for a second….he carries through with his threats. What will he threaten you with next?

reconnect with your mum and ask for help in getting out.

pinkyredrose · 15/10/2024 15:58

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 14:01

I know I’ve been so trauma bonded I need to let go . I have tried to in the past but I end up making it up with him as he threatens to report me to social services whenever something bad has happened, yes I have a child with him🙃 & thankfully no I haven’t bought a property with him , I’m renting but its all in my name

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Throw him out. Today. Change the locks while he's at work.

Obsessedwithsourdough · 15/10/2024 16:00

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Absolutely vile man. It’s abusive. Get him out and don’t look back.

Normallynumb · 15/10/2024 16:00

Sorry I missed that he actually did cum on your face
He's assaulted you
Get out asap and I would write a detailed account of what happened( for yourself) and consider reporting this POS

FFSWherearemyglasses · 15/10/2024 16:07

Jesus wept… I honestly can’t believe what I have just read!!!

Seriously - this is beyond inappropriate on so many levels.
Kick his abusing arse out today and don’t look back
He is sick …. Just yuk 🤢

BCBird · 15/10/2024 16:11

He is vile. He does not respect u. Get rid

jannier · 15/10/2024 16:13

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 14:01

I know I’ve been so trauma bonded I need to let go . I have tried to in the past but I end up making it up with him as he threatens to report me to social services whenever something bad has happened, yes I have a child with him🙃 & thankfully no I haven’t bought a property with him , I’m renting but its all in my name

Show quote history

Get it on record what he's done to you and his coercion

jannier · 15/10/2024 16:15

AngelicKaty · 15/10/2024 14:18

I agree with you, but to be fair they may have missed it (like me) from the end of OP's last paragraph which is a little oblique: "you won’t do that so shush & he actually did sort of ..I weren’t asleep but we were laying down and I was just about too drift off. Is that even normal..? Or I don’t know if it was me who pushed him into doing it as I said you won’t do that .." She doesn't explicitly say that he did it as she was drifting off to sleep, which is why I've asked her the direct question. I think if everyone was clear that he did actually do this to her, they would be telling her to report him to the police.

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Being asleep or not is irrelevant did she say yes to it? No so it's assault.

AngelicKaty · 15/10/2024 16:17

Scout2016 · 15/10/2024 14:59

Think through the stages of what he's doing and thinking, the boundaries he's crossing. He's nagging you to do a sex act he knows you don't want. He'd be able to emjoy it even knowing you don't. He's able to get aroused and start masterbating in your presence doing something he knows you don't like, want or consent to, it sounds like he's getting a kick out of the fact you don't want it. In fact he's told you he's done it because he knows you don't want it and he wants to show who is boss. Imagine how far gone from decent you need to be to think like that, act on it and get turned on. You can't come back from that, it is not a healthy way to be treated. It's assult and it will escalate.

Exactly this. And imagine how low OP's self-esteem must be when she asks on MN "is this normal?".
Sorry OP, but not only is his behaviour not normal, it's criminal. He doesn't love you or even care for you. At the very least he holds you in contempt, but I think it's more likely he hates you (and all other women too). You say "everything" is in your name so presumably your tenancy agreement too? In which case, pack his things and evict him. You will never be able to rebuild your self-esteem as long as this repugnant oxygen thief is in your life. Sorry.

jannier · 15/10/2024 16:20

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 14:01

I know I’ve been so trauma bonded I need to let go . I have tried to in the past but I end up making it up with him as he threatens to report me to social services whenever something bad has happened, yes I have a child with him🙃 & thankfully no I haven’t bought a property with him , I’m renting but its all in my name

Show quote history

What is he threatening to report?

AngelicKaty · 15/10/2024 16:20

jannier · 15/10/2024 16:15

Being asleep or not is irrelevant did she say yes to it? No so it's assault.

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You've missed my point - it wasn't in relation to whether or not she was asleep. It wasn't clear from OP's original post if he "joked" about doing it or actually did it. It seems from other people's posts that he actually did it, in which case it's sexual assault and she should report him to the police immediately (which is what I posted earlier after I learned he'd actually done it, but you've obviously missed that post).

AngelicKaty · 15/10/2024 16:25

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 12:01

Well I admit I saw he had threatened to do this while she was sleeping but I read the next bit as he almost did it. But re reading it I see OP said he did it when she was almost asleep.
So apologies for misreading.
Yes, he has sexually assaulted OP. What an animal.

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Yes, I did the same - completely missed it first time of reading. 😔

jannier · 15/10/2024 16:25

AngelicKaty · 15/10/2024 16:20

You've missed my point - it wasn't in relation to whether or not she was asleep. It wasn't clear from OP's original post if he "joked" about doing it or actually did it. It seems from other people's posts that he actually did it, in which case it's sexual assault and she should report him to the police immediately (which is what I posted earlier after I learned he'd actually done it, but you've obviously missed that post).

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Her doubt was about her not being fully asleep not what he was doing.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 15/10/2024 16:26

"So after pestering me for something I've told you I'm not comfortable with repeatedly, you're now planning to sexually assault me in my sleep. Wow. I think we're done. Please pack a bag and go."

There really isn't anything else to say, is there?

AngelicKaty · 15/10/2024 16:33

PennyApril54 · 15/10/2024 12:20

OMG that's awful. When I read it I thought OP meant he sort of did shush after she told him to. Now I re read and realise she means he did do that to her face. He needs to go OP. A big massive 'get rid' from me now.

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Me too. OP wrote "... and I said alright you’ve been saying this for the past week now you won’t do that so shush & he actually did sort of .." so I took this to mean he "sort of shushed". I did wonder what she meant by that and felt a bit daft when I read on to page 2 of the comments which made it clear he actually did do it. What a repugnant pig (not to mention a criminal!).

Mischance · 15/10/2024 16:34

THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

Get rid.

God he sounds utterly grim.

AngelicKaty · 15/10/2024 17:07

jannier · 15/10/2024 16:15

Being asleep or not is irrelevant did she say yes to it? No so it's assault.

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"Her doubt was about her not being fully asleep not what he was doing."

I've already explained I initially missed the fact that he carried through with his threat (I'm not the only one who missed this), NOT that I was confused about whether or not she was asleep. I'm absolutely clear (and always have been) that she didn't consent to this act because she'd made it clear she wouldn't welcome it while was awake, and if she was unconscious she wouldn't have been able to give consent. Either way, she didn't consent, but that wasn't the point of my post! 🙄

BoundaryGirl3939 · 15/10/2024 17:34

I couldn't stay with someone who viewed me in such a derogatory manner.

Dery · 15/10/2024 17:57

Start talking to your mother again. She had the measure of him. He’s horrible. Speak to Women’s Aid. He’s abusive.

millymoo1202 · 15/10/2024 18:03

To answer your question it's not normal , it’s abuse plain and simple

LightSpeeds · 15/10/2024 18:03

He's a disgusting piece of shit.

Please don't put up with this.

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