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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He always asks when I’m uncomfortable

151 replies

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 11:08

My partner keeps asking me for head every single night especially when I am on my reds. He knows I don’t like giving head I’ve even told him countless times before I just don’t enjoy it and I’m sorry. Past few nights when he’s asked I’ve just said maybe too him uncomfortably just because I feel like when I say no it’s a problem. What do I even do anymore? Even when it comes down to sex once or twice a week maybe is fine for me but I don’t want sex like that anymore only due to me just feeling down all the time and I’m not turned on whatsoever I’m just dealing with my own battles in my head.

Past week he’s been saying oh I’m just gonna come on your face when your asleep as a joke , yesterday he said it again and I said alright you’ve been saying this for the past week now you won’t do that so shush & he actually did sort of ..I weren’t asleep but we were laying down and I was just about too drift off. Is that even normal..? Or I don’t know if it was me who pushed him into doing it as I said you won’t do that ..

OP posts:
BitchBrigade · 15/10/2024 11:50

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 11:41

I don’t speak to my mother anymore because she has problems with him but she’s said the same ages ago that she knows he is

Show quote history

So he is also successfully isolating you from your support network. Classic abuser tactic.

Does he also not let you have friends and has problems with everyone you speak to? Constantly texts you even although are busy/at work and screams at you when you don't reply in less than a nanosecond?

OP you aren't telling us everything, are you? 💐

AutumnCrow · 15/10/2024 11:51

Please contact your mum, and ask if you can go there.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/10/2024 11:53

Dear God and you actually refer to this person as a partner.

either you move out or he does, this is not a healthy relationship.

please tell me you haven't bought a property with him
and please reassure me you haven't had a child with him.

once you are apart, you need to find your bar and raise it, you CAN do soooooooo much better !!!

Crayfishforyou · 15/10/2024 11:55

He is not a partner. He is a controlling abuser.
what he did was sexual assault, I’m sure he will attempt to downplay it by insisting it was ‘just a joke’ and possibly ‘don’t be so sensitive’, but it was sexual assault.

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/10/2024 11:57

Yuck.

He's vile.

Bin him.

Dollybantree · 15/10/2024 11:57

You poor thing. You need to get out, you know you do.

Im not surprised you’re suffering from depression and have all sorts going through your head - you are living with an abuser and are probably on high alert all the time.

Surely you know that a man coming on his partners face when she has said no is sexual assault? If my dh did that I’d think he’d had some kind of brain injury it would be so disgustingly out of character.

Vile pig he is.

rainbowsparkle28 · 15/10/2024 12:00

betterangels · 15/10/2024 11:45

Past week he’s been saying oh I’m just gonna come on your face when your asleep as a joke , yesterday he said it again and I said alright you’ve been saying this for the past week now you won’t do that so shush & he actually did sort of ..I weren’t asleep but we were laying down and I was just about too drift off. Is that even normal..?

No, it isn't. He's a vindictive, sexually-assualting piece of shit. Please get away from him.

This. Seriously. Get rid, you do not have to put up with this abusive behaviour.

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 12:01

AutumnCrow · 15/10/2024 11:50

Threatening to " come on your face" while you are asleep is threatening you with sexual assault.

He didn't just threaten it.

He did it.

Well I admit I saw he had threatened to do this while she was sleeping but I read the next bit as he almost did it. But re reading it I see OP said he did it when she was almost asleep.
So apologies for misreading.
Yes, he has sexually assaulted OP. What an animal.

Noseybookworm · 15/10/2024 12:03

This man is not your partner. He is an abusive pig. You need to get out of this relationship now. It sounds like he is already isolating you from your family and friends. Please reach out to Women's Aid. They will help you make a plan to leave.

AnonymousBleep · 15/10/2024 12:04

Crikey, OP! He's disgusting. That isn't normal and you deserve better than this creep.

MeganM3 · 15/10/2024 12:04

I think you should aim higher.
Get out of this situation. Get yourself sorted. Work hard. Live independently and one day you will be so much happier.

FairTurtle · 15/10/2024 12:05

Has nobody noticed OP saying "he [sort of] came on my face when I was asleep?"

He sexually assaulted you. This is criminal.

Lucytheloose · 15/10/2024 12:05

The behaviour you describe is not remotely normal and you do not appear to be happy or respected in this relationship. I suggest ditching the partner and trying to reconnect with your mother. She obviously had the measure of the man.

BitchBrigade · 15/10/2024 12:07

FairTurtle · 15/10/2024 12:05

Has nobody noticed OP saying "he [sort of] came on my face when I was asleep?"

He sexually assaulted you. This is criminal.

It was the first thing I noticed and said as much.

He is a vile creature.

Catoo · 15/10/2024 12:13

This is grim reading OP.

No, you did not encourage him to come on your face by telling him to stop saying he would. He chose to assault you by doing it anyway like he said he would. It doesn’t matter if you were almost asleep or actually asleep. You did not consent.

This will not get better. He will start doing this and god knows what else to you when you are asleep. There’s a thread on here of a woman who gets raped in her sleep by her husband. She’s got 3 children with him now and is financially trapped with no access to the family accounts. Oh and child 3 wasn’t planned and I expect was conceived during a night rape. She sleeps in her children’s rooms to avoid it happening again.

Leave this man. Your mum is right. If you can leave today, do and don’t look back.

ukgone2pot · 15/10/2024 12:14

What do I even do anymore?

Bin him!

PrueRamsay · 15/10/2024 12:15

He’s absolutely vile.

Can you easily get rid?

PennyApril54 · 15/10/2024 12:17

You certainly haven't pushed him into doing anything. He's being ridiculous. Have a serious sincere talk about how you feel etc and if he doesn't get better then I think you need to reconsider this relationship altogether. Take care.

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 12:17

FunnyHazelHedgehog · 15/10/2024 11:41

I don’t speak to my mother anymore because she has problems with him but she’s said the same ages ago that she knows he is

Show quote history

Do you have a problem with your mum in herself, or simply because she has said things about your husband that you don't want to hear?

Think about your own children, if you have them. Can you imagine knowing they were in an abusive relationship and they stopped talking to you because you pointed that out?

TheShellBeach · 15/10/2024 12:18

@exhaustedmum24 there was no need to quote the whole OP.
You were literally the first responder.

Stravaig · 15/10/2024 12:19

He's a rapist. He performed a sexual act on you which you had already refused, and while you were half-asleep i.e. not fully conscious and therefore unable to give enthusiastic informed consent even if you had wanted to.

Get very away from him, right now!

For future reference, the time to dump him was the very first time he pestered you for oral sex after you had already told him that you didn't like doing it.

Justcallmebebes · 15/10/2024 12:19

God that's grim

PennyApril54 · 15/10/2024 12:20

FairTurtle · 15/10/2024 12:05

Has nobody noticed OP saying "he [sort of] came on my face when I was asleep?"

He sexually assaulted you. This is criminal.

OMG that's awful. When I read it I thought OP meant he sort of did shush after she told him to. Now I re read and realise she means he did do that to her face. He needs to go OP. A big massive 'get rid' from me now.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 15/10/2024 12:20

FairTurtle · 15/10/2024 12:05

Has nobody noticed OP saying "he [sort of] came on my face when I was asleep?"

He sexually assaulted you. This is criminal.

Very good point, i missed this when reading due to the way it was worded. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

VictoriaSpungecake · 15/10/2024 12:20

I think you need to get away from him. Deep in your heart you know this - it is possibly why you don't like giving him head. You might feel differently with someone else...or not. In any case, he isn't good enough for you (or any woman).