Red flags? You wise MN women, I need an insight

[TheseBootsAreWalking]

So about a month ago I plucked up the courage to go on FB dating, and been on 3 dates with a man. Been single for well over 5 years.
First date was just a takeaway coffee and a walk.

Its there he tells me he is separated, that his wife has moved to Ireland, and its 10 months since she suddenly upped and left him, which left him devastated. He had no idea how she felt prior to this.

On Saturday, which was our third date, he kept referring to his ex as his wife, "my wife this, and my wife that", for context, not ones but a few times. I have no issue with people having a past but this felt off the way he was saying it. Making me read into it that he still believes this to be the case, that she is Wifey, and so, I have sent him a text today, in the last hour to be exact, after thinking this over, to say thanks for the dates and to wish him well but I am not available for this kind of setup and good to say all the best to you.

I am not here on this planet to save any man from himself, and neither do I want to date anyone that is so early in the process of divorcing so my red flags are flagging a little. I have been very gentle with him telling him its a no for me.

He has been bombarding me with texts in the past hour, and calling wanting to discuss this with me since I told him its a no for me, and the texts are can I call, I am calling you now, we need to discuss this etc. That he thought he had found a good woman, and the likes, and its one text after the other. Not wanting to acknowledge that I dont want to date him further. The love bombing is off the scale. I have said this is not up for negotiation.

I am wondering seeing its such a short time since his wife left him, this will feel horrible for him, at least that is how it comes across, or am I overthinking this?

We had 3 dates, each date being maybe up to 2 hours. Not kissed or DTD.

Surely this is a red flag material?

Bombarding you to change your mind and pressuring you into continuing to date him despite you saying no is a massive flag.

Imagine how he’d act 3/6/9 months or a.few years down the line if you say something he doesn’t want to hear?

In yours shoes I would politely but firmly say it’s not up for discussion. Then anything more from him then block

You did the right thing. He's not ready.

He sounds dangerous to me.

You need to block him.

Does he know where you live?

He is not English so I am wondering if this tactic is just men or something that is normal where he is from? But yeah I think he is the type to not hear me out later on in life if he is not doing so now.

So weird.

Where is he from?

I was wondering where he was from too.

Tbh OP, he is absolutely not ready if he’s still referring to his ex-wife as wife. I would’ve even highlighted that to him, but that’s me and I can be a bit on the forward side. 10 months post “separation” (if he well is separated) isn’t a very long time either.

I would away from this one and try and find someone else. Put it down to experience. Well done for getting back out there!

He is from Japan. But lived abroad most of his life he says, New Zeland, Greenland, England, but his English is broken.

He has just sent a text to say that I can see the email exchange between him and his wife where they discuss the divorce as a mean to reel me back in, and if I still dont want to date him after reading the emails, he will take it

He just doesn’t seem ready to me. If she left him as well and that left him devastated and it’s only been 10 months … it seems to me he’s on the rebound!

Thanks everyone, I think you are all right on that he is not ready. I feel for him. Divorce is horrible, even when you initiate it. But he is clearly not ready.

The point is you said no and he’s bombarded you - that is madness.

God, run for the hills. You have definitely done the right thing.

It is yes. I got involved with someone who had been in an unhappy marriage and been living apart from his wife for 6 months. Even though they had no.inclination to reconcile, it was far too complicated. If there is a nxt time, I will want them to be divorced, no dependent children and have the ability to speak to ex civilly. Needle in a haystack?

Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter if he's ready to date or not because he's unhinged. Just block. Lucky escape!

I mean we met up for approximately 6 hours or so, his messages read so desperate to me, telling me his is going to call me in 1 hour as this needs a discussion. That alone is such a huge flag, like which part of no is not understood?

I have blocked.

you don't owe him anything
tell him very clearly by text that you do not want any further contact from him and if he persists you will consider it harrassment
keep all his texts and logs of him calling you but do not engage at all after the last text, same if he has your email address, save his emails but don't reply
I hope he doesn't know where you live and you have blocked him on SM

Honestly, the life advise and relatable experience from the MN community has been life altering in a good way. Great advise everyone, and thanks

Well done for acting on the red flags!

If he turns up anywhere - your work, your home or the likes please do not hesitate to call the police! He sounds like stalker potential

He definitely sounds unhinged.
I'm glad you've blocked him.

Bet she upped sticks without warning because of how he'd have reacted had she said she was leaving. No guarantee that she's actually in Ireland - he could be lying and subject to an injunction/bail conditions or she's told him she's in Ireland and is actually in a refuge somewhere outside Basingstoke.

Just avoid, block, hide, whatever you have to do to stay well away from him.

His behaviour after you've said you don't want to pursue it is enough to show it's the right decision.

Going on and on and on about his wife all the time means he is not ready for dating, he's still processing rejection.

So the red flags you are getting are real and I hope you don't take this too far with him as the chances of him getting back with is wife may be likely, and if that isthe case, where would that leave you?

I think itmay be a risk ot worth taking so if you stay in touch as friends but nothing physical as its early days.

@NeverDropYourMooncup This is what I was thinking as well the past hour after receiving more than 50 texts from him and him calling twice, its not normal behaviour.

Asking MN is a game changer.

Also, what I found funny was that he asked me if I could help him with his uni work, he is learning to become a teacher, but he needs help with translations. I wonder if he wanted me for that alone. Someone to translate as he kept asking if I could do this for him so he would not fail the course.

This request came out on our first date lol.

Blocking seems the only way for these type of individuals.

Not taking no for an answer is v concerning. You did the right thing

@Irridescantshimmmer this all the way. These were my thoughts too

Seems he was just being grammatically correct. They are separated not divorced, therefore she IS his wife. This doesn’t change the fact that they are separating, and he obviously really likes you. You knew he was not divorced, so why was his language - as opposed to the reality of the situation the thing that put you off? This is one of many reasons why I wouldn’t date separated men- they are still married, and anything could change. Personally I don’t think you’ve been fair to him, continuing to date him while knowing the situation and then dumping him over the language he used when the language he used is the reality you already knew. If you’re not feeling it fair enough, but you can’t judge how he feels about her based on him calling her his wife- which she is.