Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Red flags? You wise MN women, I need an insight

118 replies

TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 19:18

So about a month ago I plucked up the courage to go on FB dating, and been on 3 dates with a man. Been single for well over 5 years.
First date was just a takeaway coffee and a walk.

Its there he tells me he is separated, that his wife has moved to Ireland, and its 10 months since she suddenly upped and left him, which left him devastated. He had no idea how she felt prior to this.

On Saturday, which was our third date, he kept referring to his ex as his wife, "my wife this, and my wife that", for context, not ones but a few times. I have no issue with people having a past but this felt off the way he was saying it. Making me read into it that he still believes this to be the case, that she is Wifey, and so, I have sent him a text today, in the last hour to be exact, after thinking this over, to say thanks for the dates and to wish him well but I am not available for this kind of setup and good to say all the best to you.

I am not here on this planet to save any man from himself, and neither do I want to date anyone that is so early in the process of divorcing so my red flags are flagging a little. I have been very gentle with him telling him its a no for me.

He has been bombarding me with texts in the past hour, and calling wanting to discuss this with me since I told him its a no for me, and the texts are can I call, I am calling you now, we need to discuss this etc. That he thought he had found a good woman, and the likes, and its one text after the other. Not wanting to acknowledge that I dont want to date him further. The love bombing is off the scale. I have said this is not up for negotiation.

I am wondering seeing its such a short time since his wife left him, this will feel horrible for him, at least that is how it comes across, or am I overthinking this?

We had 3 dates, each date being maybe up to 2 hours. Not kissed or DTD.

Surely this is a red flag material?

OP posts:
GreekDogRescue · 15/10/2024 20:06

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 07:42

He had an intital reaction which I personally would have grace for if I dumped someone over text. If it continued for days, weeks, months, when we’d only been out three times then I’d be concerned. I don’t do dating strangers though, I actually know I really like someone before I decide to date them. Any more contact from him? My bet is he will move on. The thread is overly dramatic, with zero accountability, or empathy, and OP being treated as a victim, when she is not. I pointed that out, that doesn’t make me suddenly morph into being a man 🙄

I don’t understand why men comment on Mumsnet.
Find your own male supremacist forum.

TheShellBeach · 15/10/2024 20:35

GreekDogRescue · 15/10/2024 20:06

I don’t understand why men comment on Mumsnet.
Find your own male supremacist forum.

🤣🤣🤣

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 20:42

GreekDogRescue · 15/10/2024 20:06

I don’t understand why men comment on Mumsnet.
Find your own male supremacist forum.

Not all women have a hive mindset 🙄 it’s a public forum with women of all ages, moral standpoints, worldviews, etc. Do you think all women think the same? I know Mumsnet is a bit woke with loads of carbon copy cut outs, but there are other types of women also you know. You do know that right?

CheekyHobson · 15/10/2024 21:02

Do you think all women think the same? I know Mumsnet is a bit woke with loads of carbon copy cut outs

Well you clearly think most women think the same. 🙄

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 15/10/2024 21:33

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 16:58

Not remotely, I don’t go on dating websites. Only relationships I’ve had have been very long term and I’ve actually been into them before dating them, and vice Versa. Takes me a long while to get attached, and if someone dumped me by text I’d be more likely to not respond. I can still have empathy for the guy she’s dated and say it’s a bit soon to call him a stalker and start slagging him off, when anyone who dumps by text no matter how long you’ve been dating, is a massive red flag anyway. Same goes for knowing someone’s situation prior to dating and then judging them for it later. Hopefully OP has now learnt the lesson to not date men who haven’t yet acquired single status

Edited

Texting someone 50 time in two hours is stalker level behaviour.

I don’t actually care if you disagree. You’re wrong.

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 21:35

CheekyHobson · 15/10/2024 21:02

Do you think all women think the same? I know Mumsnet is a bit woke with loads of carbon copy cut outs

Well you clearly think most women think the same. 🙄

That literally makes no sense. There are plenty of women here who are woke and parrot the same stuff, the problem is they think that anyone that doesn’t think the same as them on various issues, or anyone that isn’t attacking towards men IS a man…

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 21:35

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 15/10/2024 21:33

Texting someone 50 time in two hours is stalker level behaviour.

I don’t actually care if you disagree. You’re wrong.

It was excessive for sure. OP hasn’t updated so I’m assuming he’s accepted it now and that’s the end of it?

Hettyre · 15/10/2024 21:38

Always block. Dont reply.

CheekyHobson · 15/10/2024 21:39

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 21:35

That literally makes no sense. There are plenty of women here who are woke and parrot the same stuff, the problem is they think that anyone that doesn’t think the same as them on various issues, or anyone that isn’t attacking towards men IS a man…

I don't think you're a man, I think you're a woman who has deeply internalised misogyny. So I'm afraid your carbon-copy cutout theory is flawed.

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 21:51

CheekyHobson · 15/10/2024 21:39

I don't think you're a man, I think you're a woman who has deeply internalised misogyny. So I'm afraid your carbon-copy cutout theory is flawed.

Except, you’re the one making it about gender, as do most who think like you on this group. I’m answering a question based on one humans interaction with another human. Gender doesn’t come into it, I don’t change my perspective dependant on the gender of the person asking, or the person it’s about. You cannot say the same!

ElleintheWoods · 15/10/2024 22:00
  1. He isn’t ready to date although he may think he is. Are you the first person he has dated since separation?
  2. The constant calling and texting after 3 dates and discarding your boundaries + the desperation… Imagine what that would escalate to further down into the relationship.

🚩🚩🚩Over and out

CheekyHobson · 15/10/2024 22:01

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 21:51

Except, you’re the one making it about gender, as do most who think like you on this group. I’m answering a question based on one humans interaction with another human. Gender doesn’t come into it, I don’t change my perspective dependant on the gender of the person asking, or the person it’s about. You cannot say the same!

Yep, well if it's not misogyny that explains you tying yourself up in knots to berate the OP for not pandering to an obviously unstable man's demands, I'm not sure what does explain it.

She doesn't owe this man a detailed explanation of why she doesn't want a fourth date. (Nor would a man owe a woman a detailed explanation under the same circumstances.)

She felt something was off about him - you seem to have latched onto the 'wife' thing as the only reason, but the OP has also subsequently mentioned other things that felt off - and she sent a considered message to end things. His extreme and OTT reaction shows she was quite right to feel there was something not right about him and to not want to take things further.

Yet you simply cannot admit that his behaviour was erratic and concerning (a situation that is typically far more dangerous to a woman than it is to a man) and have stayed focused on making the OP into a villain. It doesn't take a genius to recognise misogyny at work.

Opentooffers · 15/10/2024 22:46

OP hope you never cross paths with him again. Well done for nipping it in the bud, his behaviour since shows you that your instinct about him was spot on.

TheseBootsAreWalking · 16/10/2024 14:18

Ok, thank you all for your replies.

There is no update. He has been blocked.

But perhaps tell you about our 3 date, which lasted approximately 2 hours.
It was a dinner date, he booked a table, then asked me if I had any allergies, to which I said yes, I am allergic to salmon, shrimp, lobster, (fish in general).

At the restaurant he had pre ordered a 3 meal course when he did the booking, a starter that was shrimps and salmon type starter. When he asked me why I did not eat any of it, he was like " oh yeah now I remember, sowwy? Then the main meal came and I was unable to finish my whole plate, so he took what was left off my plate and ate that. The convo during the meal was politics and his wife. Also repeatedly asked me if I could translate his university course work for him so he would not fail the course. We are both in our 50s, not teens or young adults.

Now after I arrived home I thanked him for the meal and said good night. This was Saturday evening. All very polite and nice. As you do.

He then texted me a couple of times on Monday afternoon asking for a 4th date, and would I care to go zip lining with him. I declined, he knows I have a heart condition so this was not something I was able to do, clearly not listening to me at all during our dates, by this point I realise he had ordered food I was allergic to and then suggesting zip lining, and this is where I sent the text to explain that I was not going to take things further.

The message I sent him, which I am fully entitled to do btw, that this was not for me, text sent at 17:22pm Monday.

Then a couple of minutes after my text he sent me over 50 messages in the space of an hour, called twice and then kept texting even when I sent him a text to say I was in a call to family. Dad has cancer so was talking to mum about him, yet he kept at it refusing to acknowledge that I was unable to talk.
Now by this point I did not feel this needed to be discussed further as I realised he was showing alarming behaviour. After knowing him for 6 hours, met 3 times, over three Saturdays, this just gave me the ick. I do not need to set up a 4th date to explain its not for me. And clearly I did the right thing seeing how unhinged he is. The context in his texts was really concerning too. Its not flattering, reading over them afterwards, I know I did the right thing.

This man has been blocked. And for the etiquette police on here whether this is right or not to send a text after 3 dates to call it quits, chill, the man will recover, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for him and certainly not that co dependent either, and thankfully that is mine to decide, not anyone else´s. I knew this man for less than a work day. But my message to him was kind and polite, just in case I was to bump into him sometime.

A man that obsessively sends over 50 texts, calls, then tells me that he will send me documentation, discussions between him and his wife, is just not on, its weird. Really odd.

I am really grateful for all the replies, have a fabulous day everyone.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 16/10/2024 15:20

Thank you @TheseBootsAreWalking

I think there was only one person on this thread who didn't agree with what you did, and you clearly made the right decision.

Onwards and upwards!

FictionalCharacter · 16/10/2024 16:20

After that update, I’m more convinced than ever that men like him should be tattooed or microchipping or something, to identify them so that all women can avoid them.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 16/10/2024 18:37

OP you are well rid. He sounds like the type who would have used your allergies to abuse you with if things had progressed.

Oh and I thought you’d said 50 texts in two hours which was bad enough, but 50 texts in one hour is off the scale.

Ignore the poster who thinks the poor diddums needs empathy. If the ex wife has any sense she has a restraining order.

Enough4me · 16/10/2024 19:48

OP, you could have changed your mind or developed the ick because of anything and declined seeing him again. You owed him nothing as you are both adults with no mutual agreement to have any type of relationship. He was unreasonable, not you.
The poster who thinks women shouldn't say no stands out as a misogynist.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page