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Original poster

Red flags? You wise MN women, I need an insight

118 replies

TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 19:18

So about a month ago I plucked up the courage to go on FB dating, and been on 3 dates with a man. Been single for well over 5 years.
First date was just a takeaway coffee and a walk.

Its there he tells me he is separated, that his wife has moved to Ireland, and its 10 months since she suddenly upped and left him, which left him devastated. He had no idea how she felt prior to this.

On Saturday, which was our third date, he kept referring to his ex as his wife, "my wife this, and my wife that", for context, not ones but a few times. I have no issue with people having a past but this felt off the way he was saying it. Making me read into it that he still believes this to be the case, that she is Wifey, and so, I have sent him a text today, in the last hour to be exact, after thinking this over, to say thanks for the dates and to wish him well but I am not available for this kind of setup and good to say all the best to you.

I am not here on this planet to save any man from himself, and neither do I want to date anyone that is so early in the process of divorcing so my red flags are flagging a little. I have been very gentle with him telling him its a no for me.

He has been bombarding me with texts in the past hour, and calling wanting to discuss this with me since I told him its a no for me, and the texts are can I call, I am calling you now, we need to discuss this etc. That he thought he had found a good woman, and the likes, and its one text after the other. Not wanting to acknowledge that I dont want to date him further. The love bombing is off the scale. I have said this is not up for negotiation.

I am wondering seeing its such a short time since his wife left him, this will feel horrible for him, at least that is how it comes across, or am I overthinking this?

We had 3 dates, each date being maybe up to 2 hours. Not kissed or DTD.

Surely this is a red flag material?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/10/2024 20:16

I'm not surprised his wife leaving came as a shock. He hasn't heard what you've said, wouldn't be surprised if anything his wife said to him went in one ear and out the other.

She probably had to do the 'dramatic' thing and moonlight flit accross the country because he wouldn't listen to 'it's over'.

And it's not a Japan culture thing either. Traditionally they are more reserved and respectful. At least early on. But there is actually some annoyance in Japan from women atm about 'herbivore' men. Aka, men not making effort. So clingy and love boming isn't really that.

CameronStrike · 14/10/2024 20:19

Irridescantshimmmer · 14/10/2024 20:02

Going on and on and on about his wife all the time means he is not ready for dating, he's still processing rejection.

So the red flags you are getting are real and I hope you don't take this too far with him as the chances of him getting back with is wife may be likely, and if that isthe case, where would that leave you?

I think itmay be a risk ot worth taking so if you stay in touch as friends but nothing physical as its early days.

Why would you suggest they stay in touch as friends?? Have you read the OP's posts???

Mudflaps · 14/10/2024 20:21

It's obvious why his wife left the country. Leave him blocked, forever.

TheShellBeach · 14/10/2024 20:24

I think it may be a risk worth taking, so if you stay in touch as friends - but nothing physical as it's early days..........

Whoa.

He's clearly nuts. He's texted her 50 times in two hours FFS. And this is a man she barely knows.

Original poster
TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 20:28

@Mahidevran Read the whole thread, it was not just the language he used.

Why do people excuse bad behaviour and say its because they like you. That is so off.

I saw him for 6 hours in total over 3 dates, never kissed him or held hands.

Your take is interesting

OP posts:
Lemonadeand · 14/10/2024 20:29

That he thought he had found a good woman, and the likes, and its one text after the other.

He had found a good woman, he’s just not in a place for dating yet by the sound of things.

You need to be absolutely brutal in the early stages of internet dating. Any red flag,
drop and move on. Otherwise you just end up wasting time.

Not having the respect to accept that you don’t want to take things further is a huge red flag in itself. I had one like that. Took ages to shake off. He found my work email and kept sending me long emotional emails 🙄.

Original poster
TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 20:32

@Lemonadeand that is so unhinged to send emails to your work.

I have added brutal to my list of things to do in future should I bump into someone like this again.

OP posts:
Wishboneswishes · 14/10/2024 20:36

Omg! Red flags and flashing lights!
You definitely don’t need this man in your life OP. Well done for blocking. He sounds a little bit crazy 😫

OhMaria2 · 14/10/2024 20:41

My friend has just been tricked in to giving up everything for a guy like this. He went back to wifey after love bombing her from orbit when she was vulnerable. Run like the wind.

Opentooffers · 14/10/2024 20:41

He sounds beyond not yet ready tbh, 50 texts after someone ends it after 3 dates is a mental health issue, more than just a person getting over someone. It's probably why his W left him. Also, by saying he didn't see it coming, he probably means he was so wrapped up in his own issues, he didn't notice.
Kinda says something when a spouse skips country without warning. My guess would be stalking behaviour.
Best thing is to do is block. Does he know where you live or your last name? Hopefully he won't be able to track you down, hate to worry you, but his behaviour is high risk for stalking.

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 20:55

TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 20:28

@Mahidevran Read the whole thread, it was not just the language he used.

Why do people excuse bad behaviour and say its because they like you. That is so off.

I saw him for 6 hours in total over 3 dates, never kissed him or held hands.

Your take is interesting

Making a valid point that you knew he was separated and not divorced….he told you that on the first date. Made a second valid point that that only seemed to hit home for you when he called her his wife- which she still is. Just best bet is don’t date separated men, wait until they can call someone “ex”. Yes I did read the rest, you dumped him by text and he’s had an emotional reaction to it and wants to talk it through like an adult. I guess he thought maybe you felt the way he did? I don’t think he’s a psycho stalker I think he’s feeling blindsided which is normal, but you seem to have made up your mind anyway so not sure why you’re asking peoples advice?

Original poster
TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 20:58

@Opentooffers I live in a small ish town so it would be easy to "bump into me.

He knows the town I live in and I am hoping he is not one of those who will leave flowers on the doorstep. His messages today were very intense so I am also thinking mental health. Divorce is hard so I have full empathy there.

But the messages, and then him calling 2x when I told him I was unavailable for a call to discuss me not wanting to date him is quite telling of someone who is not very self aware, or is showing unhinged behaviour, its showing me who he is after 6 hours over 3 dates, over 3 weeks, that no is not in his vocabulary, or worse, he feels entitled.

OP posts:
Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 20:59

He obviously liked you and thought you liked him, I doubt he is going to stalk you or leave flowers on your doorstep, he’ll get the message that you didn’t want to have an adult discussion and he will find someone else at some point. Do you want him to stalk you and leave flowers on your doorstep?

LittleGreenDragons · 14/10/2024 21:01

No wonder his wife ran away. This guy is so intense it's bordering on abusive manipulation/harassment. It's not about whether he's ready for a relationship after separation, it's whether he is ready for ANY NORMAL relationship at all 😱

Original poster
TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 21:07

@Mahidevran listen, I get you, I hear what you are saying.

I do not own anyone further interactions regardless of how he may phrased his sentence. I did not take offence to that, but I paid attention to his whole behavior and words. Hapless as that may sounded at the time for him, but that was the least of the issue I had, it was one of those things I mentioned for context for others to give advise.

I am sorry you feel the need to be right, its rather alarming. But thank you for your insight.

OP posts:
Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 21:07

This reply has been deleted

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Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 21:08

I’m pretty sure you’ll be forgotten about within days, but to micro dissect someone’s emotions when you’ve dumped them by text and assign them various personality disorders is a new Mumsnet low

LittleGreenDragons · 14/10/2024 21:14

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Wow. What's the matter with you? OP is asking for opinions not abuse.

Someone who texts that many times in a couple of hours after 3 dates is not a stable person to have in your life. OP was right to get rid.

TwistedWonder · 14/10/2024 21:21

This reply has been deleted

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Seriously??? A man refusing to take no for an answer and bombarding a woman with 50 texts after 3 dates is a non issue?

WTAF???

HereForTheFreeLunch · 14/10/2024 21:25

OP, you did good. You didn't want to continue and you told him that.

You don't owe him anything more.

And his response tells you to be careful of him as he's delusional at best, unhinged at worst.

TheShellBeach · 14/10/2024 21:31

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 21:08

I’m pretty sure you’ll be forgotten about within days, but to micro dissect someone’s emotions when you’ve dumped them by text and assign them various personality disorders is a new Mumsnet low

Gosh, are you the erstwhile boyfriend? The OP got rid of a potential stalker.
Quite rightly. He sounded nuts.

TheShellBeach · 14/10/2024 21:33

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 21:08

I’m pretty sure you’ll be forgotten about within days, but to micro dissect someone’s emotions when you’ve dumped them by text and assign them various personality disorders is a new Mumsnet low

No, it isn't.
The OP asked for advice about this man and everyone was in agreement that he was likely to become dangerous, given his bizarre reaction to being dumped after three days.

Everyone, except you, for some reason.

CameronStrike · 14/10/2024 21:34

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 20:55

Making a valid point that you knew he was separated and not divorced….he told you that on the first date. Made a second valid point that that only seemed to hit home for you when he called her his wife- which she still is. Just best bet is don’t date separated men, wait until they can call someone “ex”. Yes I did read the rest, you dumped him by text and he’s had an emotional reaction to it and wants to talk it through like an adult. I guess he thought maybe you felt the way he did? I don’t think he’s a psycho stalker I think he’s feeling blindsided which is normal, but you seem to have made up your mind anyway so not sure why you’re asking peoples advice?

Edited
Show quote history

You don't have to make excuses for unhinged men you know. It's quite concerning how low your bar is.

CameronStrike · 14/10/2024 21:35

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 20:59

He obviously liked you and thought you liked him, I doubt he is going to stalk you or leave flowers on your doorstep, he’ll get the message that you didn’t want to have an adult discussion and he will find someone else at some point. Do you want him to stalk you and leave flowers on your doorstep?

You don't have to have an 'adult discussion' with a bloke you've been on 3 dates with.

Original poster
TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 21:45

Perhaps Mahidevran needs their own thread discussion on womens safety in todays society? Or lack thereof. Resentment towards women when they say no? A bit of education goes a long way.

Thanks everyone for really helpful advise tonight.

OP posts: