Red flags? You wise MN women, I need an insight

[TheseBootsAreWalking]

So about a month ago I plucked up the courage to go on FB dating, and been on 3 dates with a man. Been single for well over 5 years.
First date was just a takeaway coffee and a walk.

Its there he tells me he is separated, that his wife has moved to Ireland, and its 10 months since she suddenly upped and left him, which left him devastated. He had no idea how she felt prior to this.

On Saturday, which was our third date, he kept referring to his ex as his wife, "my wife this, and my wife that", for context, not ones but a few times. I have no issue with people having a past but this felt off the way he was saying it. Making me read into it that he still believes this to be the case, that she is Wifey, and so, I have sent him a text today, in the last hour to be exact, after thinking this over, to say thanks for the dates and to wish him well but I am not available for this kind of setup and good to say all the best to you.

I am not here on this planet to save any man from himself, and neither do I want to date anyone that is so early in the process of divorcing so my red flags are flagging a little. I have been very gentle with him telling him its a no for me.

He has been bombarding me with texts in the past hour, and calling wanting to discuss this with me since I told him its a no for me, and the texts are can I call, I am calling you now, we need to discuss this etc. That he thought he had found a good woman, and the likes, and its one text after the other. Not wanting to acknowledge that I dont want to date him further. The love bombing is off the scale. I have said this is not up for negotiation.

I am wondering seeing its such a short time since his wife left him, this will feel horrible for him, at least that is how it comes across, or am I overthinking this?

We had 3 dates, each date being maybe up to 2 hours. Not kissed or DTD.

Surely this is a red flag material?

She doesn't owe anyone she went on a few dates with empathy though. She kindly said thanks but no thanks. He didn't accept that. Showing empathy to his sort (eg: meeting him again) is often what gets women killed.

@Mahidevran your posts reek of internalised misogyny.

His divorce status is, at this point, irrelevant in my opinion. The point of disagreement/contention is what it is, doesn't matter really, could be any minor reason at this early stage of dating; his behaviour is the problem. Is this a person you'd want to get any closer to? Absolutely not. Disregarding your feelings and decisions completely, bombarding you, it's aggressive and definitely not appealing.

I am so happy to see you have blocked, OP. I elaborated on my point because you never know who might be reading in a similar situation. I hope you're safe and ideally that he doesn't know where you live.

Funny that you're calling others histrionic when you're now resorting to calling the OP a liar in order to avoid admitting that sending dozens of messages demanding a discussion after three dates is extremely unusual and over-emotional behaviour.

Or just common or garden misogyny.

There are plenty of men that hate the idea of women having their own spaces and supporting each other. I'm sure some of them come on here to sabotage it.

My perspective from a quite recent separation.

My husband of 20+ years left me mid last year, it was shocking and unexpected at the time.

I still correct myself if I say ‘ex husband’ because we are still married. ‘Estranged husband’ is technically correct but no one would use that term.

Even after 10 months I still referenced him a lot more than I felt I should. Because after that much shared history, everything I had done, everywhere I had been, friends, holidays experiences etc were so entangled with him.

It didn’t mean I still pined for him or wanted him back, it just means he was very much part of my life for the last 25 years, I can’t just forget he existed and never mention him again.

I have a wonderful new boyfriend of 6 months so I was very much ready to move on.

That said, OP has a perfect right not to want to see this guy again, and his reaction would have me running a mile too.

@M@Mahidevran while it could be understandable that the man referring to his ex as his wife is semantics, his reaction to the OP deciding after three dates that this man is either dangerous or seriously mentally ill or both.

50 texts in two hours is one every 2.4 minutes. There is nothing normal or understandable about that. Nothing.

Wouldn’t surprise me if suicide threats had been next.

It happens that the OP ended things because of something which could have been small. But in doing so she has revealed that he is unhinged, possibly dangerously so.

@Mahidevran 50 texts in two hours when you don’t get a reply is unhinged behaviour and a red flag.

He had an intital reaction which I personally would have grace for if I dumped someone over text. If it continued for days, weeks, months, when we’d only been out three times then I’d be concerned. I don’t do dating strangers though, I actually know I really like someone before I decide to date them. Any more contact from him? My bet is he will move on. The thread is overly dramatic, with zero accountability, or empathy, and OP being treated as a victim, when she is not. I pointed that out, that doesn’t make me suddenly morph into being a man 🙄

@Mahidevran Honestly your boundaries need serious work.

A barrage of dozens of texts and demands for a conversation as a reaction to being politely turned down after three dates (which in no way qualifies as a relationship that you can be “dumped” from) is a clear sign of extreme emotional instability.

The man is practically a stranger to her and she does not owe him further engagement… in fact she is being quite sensible to avoid any further contact given his behaviour.

An MRA appears to have landed on this thread.

AS is revealing.

This post has nothing to do with men’s rights, although 100% I am equally invested in the rights of men and women, being that they are all human beings deserving of respect. I don’t believe she showed him any empathy and already knew what she was getting into, my personal belief is you don’t date separated men anyway, as technically they are still married!

The thread is overly dramatic, with zero accountability, or empathy, and OP being treated as a victim, when she is not. you’re right. OP isn’t a victim because she’s no longer seeing him.

It’s actually a good thing that she moved on for what you consider spurious reasons, it meant she got to find out what he was like early on.

I guarantee clingyness would have turned into emotional guilt trips if she saw friends, and who knows from there. The one I went out with started like this, emotional declarations about how much he loved me, if we argued he would follow me everywhere. No mobile phones back then thank god.

Then he progressed on to crying if I saw friends because of how much it hurt him that I had relationships with other people.

If friends came over to talk to me (I was still at college) he would tell them that we wanted to be alone.

And then he progressed on to violence.

And when I dumped him he rang me to tell me he’d taken an overdose and that he’d done it for me. I wished him well. Ironically I saw him the next day very much alive.

I was only 18 then and young and naive.

But these types walk among us, and they often start out charming, and often the emotion over how strongly they feel is intended to be love bombing but is in fact creepy as.

snort

I suspect one is cheerleading on behalf of the other because they share very similar qualities and personalities, and therefore complaining about one is an affront to the other.

I hope you are having a better, and less message-y day @TheseBootsAreWalking

You’ve done the right thing. He sounds far from ready to date.

He had 'no idea how she felt' before she upped and left him? I'll bet my ovaries that she told him and told him and told him how she felt, and he minimised and dismissed what she said because he didn't want to hear it. Aaaaaand here he goes again! You've told him how you feel and he's minimising and dismissing it because he doesn't want to hear it! Glad you've blocked him. Don't give him another thought.

You've been polite now block his number.

You've said your piece and you've nothing to add, just block him. I know that seems harsh in some ways but he can't keep pestering you for more explanation. The conversation is over. He should know himself why you feel this way if he had any self awareness.

Why should reading a discussion between him and his ex reel you back in, and how might she feel to have her private messages shown to a stranger? You've gone off him and pretty much said so. Blocking sounds an excellent plan.

Not remotely, I don’t go on dating websites. Only relationships I’ve had have been very long term and I’ve actually been into them before dating them, and vice Versa. Takes me a long while to get attached, and if someone dumped me by text I’d be more likely to not respond. I can still have empathy for the guy she’s dated and say it’s a bit soon to call him a stalker and start slagging him off, when anyone who dumps by text no matter how long you’ve been dating, is a massive red flag anyway. Same goes for knowing someone’s situation prior to dating and then judging them for it later. Hopefully OP has now learnt the lesson to not date men who haven’t yet acquired single status

Oh what nonsense, they only had three dates, it's perfectly fine to end things by text.

You have absolutely no clue about modern dating norms. All communication is done over messaging now. I don't know anyone who would want a phone call/meeting in person to end a brief few dates.

It’s 3 dates not a relationship. I’d say the vast majority would send a text saying sorry it’s not for me. Expecting anything more is a bit much imo.
And expecting (demanding) an explanation after a few hours of drinks is ridiculous. Thats whole point of course army saying, see how it goes and if you’re not feeling it, move on

...................when anyone who dumps by text no matter how long you’ve been dating, is a massive red flag anyway

Nonsense. It's often recommended to women as a means of keeping them safe, emotionally and physically.

You seem to have no understanding of this situation. This man was not owed a lengthy, in-person explanation after only three dates. The OP suspected that he might be flaky, and she was right, as evidenced by the relentless series of texts with which he bombarded her afterwards.

anyone who dumps by text no matter how long you’ve been dating, is a massive red flag anyway

Someone who sends a polite, consciously gentle message saying they don't want to continue after a third date (and no physical contact) is a massive red flag and yet someone who sends 50 messages in the space of a couple of hours and calls repeatedly to demand a discussion of the other person's decision isn't? Okay then.