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Original poster

Red flags? You wise MN women, I need an insight

118 replies

TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 19:18

So about a month ago I plucked up the courage to go on FB dating, and been on 3 dates with a man. Been single for well over 5 years.
First date was just a takeaway coffee and a walk.

Its there he tells me he is separated, that his wife has moved to Ireland, and its 10 months since she suddenly upped and left him, which left him devastated. He had no idea how she felt prior to this.

On Saturday, which was our third date, he kept referring to his ex as his wife, "my wife this, and my wife that", for context, not ones but a few times. I have no issue with people having a past but this felt off the way he was saying it. Making me read into it that he still believes this to be the case, that she is Wifey, and so, I have sent him a text today, in the last hour to be exact, after thinking this over, to say thanks for the dates and to wish him well but I am not available for this kind of setup and good to say all the best to you.

I am not here on this planet to save any man from himself, and neither do I want to date anyone that is so early in the process of divorcing so my red flags are flagging a little. I have been very gentle with him telling him its a no for me.

He has been bombarding me with texts in the past hour, and calling wanting to discuss this with me since I told him its a no for me, and the texts are can I call, I am calling you now, we need to discuss this etc. That he thought he had found a good woman, and the likes, and its one text after the other. Not wanting to acknowledge that I dont want to date him further. The love bombing is off the scale. I have said this is not up for negotiation.

I am wondering seeing its such a short time since his wife left him, this will feel horrible for him, at least that is how it comes across, or am I overthinking this?

We had 3 dates, each date being maybe up to 2 hours. Not kissed or DTD.

Surely this is a red flag material?

OP posts:
Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 21:50

I just think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. You dumped him by text and he tried to salvage it. It was three dates, clearly he felt a connection, but very likely he will get over it. Sounds like he felt blindsided. If it was a woman posting about being dumped by text and how she tried to understand what had gone wrong by sending a few texts, she wouldn’t be being called a stalker, dangerous, and ridiculous comments about flowers on doorsteps. The guy just needs to come to his senses like people do when they think it’s going well and someone pulls the rug from under their feet. Any more communication from his this evening OP? I just think people should be less inclined to label someone all sorts when they dumped them by text! I also think OP is enjoying feeling like she’s a great catch that got away. You dated a man who is still on paper married, it’s good you put a stop to it, but you have disorganised thought processes and seems to take you a while to put the pieces of the puzzle together. The lesson to learn from it is don’t date men who are still married, and understand people can have an emotional reaction but you aren’t so special he will be pining away for you, doubtful he’s a stalker just a normal person upset at being blindsided

Fmlgirl · 14/10/2024 22:03

@Mahidevran you don’t need to meet someone you’ve been on three dates with to tell them you don’t want to see them again. A text is ok for that. Meeting them would waste everyone’s time.

TwistedWonder · 14/10/2024 22:06

There absolutely has been threads where a woman had been bombarding a man she’d been on a few dates with or had sex with and pretty much the comments told her that she’s acting unhinged.

No wonder men get about with this behaviour when there’s women who justify massive red flags and end up blaming the woman for a ban acting unhinged.

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 22:07

And that’s a fair opinion, but we need to understand that people have feelings and clearly he felt more invested and also has been blindsided, and that’s really my only point. Far too early in the day to be calling him a stalker or acting like he’s crazy in love with OP and won’t let her go…most people who feel invested will have an intital feeling of, how can we talk about this to make it better. The guy has even offered to show her their communication so she can feel reassured that nothing is going on….isn’t that a Green flag? Fair enough, you aren’t invested OP, but I don’t see the guy deserves to be labelled or insulted, he clearly just isn’t for you

Uricon2 · 14/10/2024 22:09

@Mahidevran 50 texts in 2 hours is by no possible definition "a few".

Itsbaloney · 14/10/2024 22:10

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 22:07

And that’s a fair opinion, but we need to understand that people have feelings and clearly he felt more invested and also has been blindsided, and that’s really my only point. Far too early in the day to be calling him a stalker or acting like he’s crazy in love with OP and won’t let her go…most people who feel invested will have an intital feeling of, how can we talk about this to make it better. The guy has even offered to show her their communication so she can feel reassured that nothing is going on….isn’t that a Green flag? Fair enough, you aren’t invested OP, but I don’t see the guy deserves to be labelled or insulted, he clearly just isn’t for you

50 texts is not normal. Can you bore off with your ridiculous statements please? You are derailing the thread, in a similar way. OP does not need to be bombarded AGAIN.

TwistedWonder · 14/10/2024 22:10

Uricon2 · 14/10/2024 22:09

@Mahidevran 50 texts in 2 hours is by no possible definition "a few".

💯- I’d have blocked way before it got into double figures

Opentooffers · 14/10/2024 22:21

@Mahidevran
That you think how he has behaved after only 3 short dates is 'normal' clearly shows more about where your head is at. Done this yourself by any chance? Been dumped after 3 dates and still sour?
It's so not normal and if you think it is, you're the one with the problem, not the OP.

Opentooffers · 14/10/2024 22:25

God no, showing communication between him and his wife to a person he's only met 3 times is a huge red flag. Some people's minds and interpretations work in mysterious ways. Heard of the phrase dirty washing? Really is a massive overshare to somebody you hardly know, and is quite desperate.

TheShellBeach · 14/10/2024 22:26

He obviously liked you and thought you liked him, I doubt he is going to stalk you

He's exactly the sort of nutjob who would be a stalker.

Opentooffers · 14/10/2024 22:29

@TheShellBeach
Exactly!

Original poster
TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 23:08

@TwistedWonder I was in a call when I received these messages, using my phone, and unable to block. The messages just kept coming one after the other.

I am very grateful for everyone's time and advise.

OP posts:
PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 14/10/2024 23:08

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 20:16

Seems he was just being grammatically correct. They are separated not divorced, therefore she IS his wife. This doesn’t change the fact that they are separating, and he obviously really likes you. You knew he was not divorced, so why was his language - as opposed to the reality of the situation the thing that put you off? This is one of many reasons why I wouldn’t date separated men- they are still married, and anything could change. Personally I don’t think you’ve been fair to him, continuing to date him while knowing the situation and then dumping him over the language he used when the language he used is the reality you already knew. If you’re not feeling it fair enough, but you can’t judge how he feels about her based on him calling her his wife- which she is.

The way that I read the OP was that him calling her "wife" combined with talking about her - his ex, even if not officially divorced yet - far too much on their first few dates, was understandably giving @TheseBootsAreWalking quite lot of red flags.

IMO the OP is not only doing herself a massive favour, but also the poor man, as he is obviously nowhere near over his ex yet. He would probably find counselling useful, so I hope he thinks of it himself.

I hardly ever reply to a thread without making sure that I have at least read all of the OP's comments, but I forgot this time, so I hope I am not just repeating what others have already pointed out, apologies if I am!

Original poster
TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 23:12

@Mahidevran you sound incredibly bitter. I feel for you.

OP posts:
TentEntWenTyfOur · 14/10/2024 23:14

Oh dear OP. It seems like you are now having to deal with not one, but two annoying twats who keep messaging and won't go away...

Like buses, they are.

Enough4me · 14/10/2024 23:18

OP, I think you are doing well. You've identified two damaged individuals and can now avoid them. Some people make the mistake of people pleasing and find themselves stuck in unfortunate positions for years.

Noseybookworm · 14/10/2024 23:37

Definitely red flag behaviour after 3 dates 😳 well done for blocking, he didn't give you much choice really! He doesn't have your address does he?

Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 23:39

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Mahidevran · 14/10/2024 23:42

PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting · 14/10/2024 23:08

The way that I read the OP was that him calling her "wife" combined with talking about her - his ex, even if not officially divorced yet - far too much on their first few dates, was understandably giving @TheseBootsAreWalking quite lot of red flags.

IMO the OP is not only doing herself a massive favour, but also the poor man, as he is obviously nowhere near over his ex yet. He would probably find counselling useful, so I hope he thinks of it himself.

I hardly ever reply to a thread without making sure that I have at least read all of the OP's comments, but I forgot this time, so I hope I am not just repeating what others have already pointed out, apologies if I am!

Show quote history

I don’t see any indication he’s not over his wife? He’s referenced her a few times, this is no indication at all that you are not over someone, if they were once part of your life or you are talking about things that relate to the divorce etc etc, I don’t see anywhere where OP has quoted exactly what he said about his wife, just that she didn’t like the word “wife” and after 3 dates it seems to have finally hit her that he’s not divorced yet

KittytheHare · 14/10/2024 23:55

@Mahidevran quite funny that you say you have “little patience for stupidity and arrogance”, seeing that your posts are full of both.

Enough4me · 14/10/2024 23:59

Perhaps @Mahidevran You identify with this man and think bombarding people is normal behaviour?

FictionalCharacter · 15/10/2024 00:06

TheseBootsAreWalking · 14/10/2024 19:34

Thanks everyone, I think you are all right on that he is not ready. I feel for him. Divorce is horrible, even when you initiate it. But he is clearly not ready.

Not only is he not ready, but the way he is trying to command you to talk to him is a huge red flag.

dontcryformeargentina · 15/10/2024 00:11

@Mahidevran You need therapy! So much vitriol

Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 00:39

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Mahidevran · 15/10/2024 00:42

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