Wife wont let mum come round at Christmas

[Unjeffeson]

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

A rather large percentage of Mumsnetters seem to have issues with their MIL. Every other post is about how terrible their MIL is.
No doubt there probably are some MILs that are arseholes, but I think that a lot of women just dislike them because they see them as 'the other woman ' in their husband's life. It never ceases to amaze me how many women give their husband an ultimatum regarding seeing their mother/having them round/seeing their grandchildren etc There doesn't seem to be any attempt at compromise. I find it very sad.

He said she took the baby downstairs and to a friend's when she wanted it to nap. They were different bullet points.
This implies mother was looking after it, not that she took it without permission. More that she did not adhere to routine

Why can't he be an only child with no father?

Has everyone missed the OP's second post? He acknowledges his mum is selfish, doesn't respect boundaries and refuses to back down.

I think @danigrace has it spot on.

SPOT ON

These examples aren’t enough to cut her off sorry.

Her outburst? Maybe she was sad and upset and it came out poorly.

Sounds like your Dad was a dick getting someone else pregnant.

Breastfeeding - was she comparing experiences and didn’t understand that it can be hard?

Argument with your wife about being pushed out - yeah you have made that clear.

Taking the baby downstairs - maybe to give your wife a break and let her sleep?

You let her babysit and she wanted to show off her granddaughter?

Pushing for more visit time - yeah because you have cut her out for no reason and she was a loving mother to you and wants to be the same.

Your brother has nothing to do with this situation - you are catastrophising for the sake of piling on.

My point is? TWO SIDES to every story. Frankly your examples are ridiculous.

Totally agree. Thank God for common sense

Or does it read that's what he thinks of his wife?

Awful things????????????????????

Give your head a wobble and read the OP again.

That is simply because women communicates differently than men. Most of the time a man doesn’t really get it or is bothered lol

Now, there can be misunderstandings but that is not what op asked. He didn’t say what happened (probably coz he didn’t felt it himself, should that not be treated as real then?), just stated that his wife felt really uncomfortable while being young mom and kept on feeling that way. Should he not ignore his wifés feelings? Yes he shouldn’t. Is this fair? No. But op isn’t MIL’s hubby…he is her adult son whom has an adult life and a very healthy boundary is to not make what your mum’s want coz otherwise she will be sad…

She needs to be happy even when not getting what she wants.

And yeah, it sucks… but people should really think of that outcome before walking on someone else’s feelings. Ermmm…they might not want to see you anymore 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have you ever been or know someone cut off from their only family for months and then alone on Christmas day sitting watching TV full of happy families? There's a reason why Samaritans is so busy over Christmas....
She talks to son...her only family....not "them" is she supposed to be depressed and silent?

Your wife doesn't have to be your mother's best friend. She entitled to put in boundaries.

But I don't think it's fair to extend those to your relationship with her or make ultimatums.

Not all (any?) parents are perfect. I think we have to accept that. You can acknowledge that your mum has issues without cutting her off.

What you've described sounds irritating but not abusive.

If this is hurting you then it needs to change. Could your mum come round for a buffet tea? Your wife can busy herself with building new toys, putting your daughter to bed etc. you still get your Christmas but she's not alone all day, which feels cruel.

Stress to your mum that this is aimed at building bridges and not to push for too much too fast.

No link. Click on ‘see all’ at the top of the OP.

Because he’s said his dad buggered off and his mum hates that he has a relationship with him, and he has a brother who’s gone no-contact with the mother.

You and your mother sound like awful people, and I hope your wife gets some support to leave such a shitty toxic marriage.

Lot of MILs or aspiring MILs on here.

In no other relationship is anyone expected to tolerate bad behaviour as much as in a parental one. Procreate and be given a free pass on behaving like a decent human it seems.

Parents are people. Who are good and bad. Who are not entitled to a relationship with other members of their families regardless of how respectful or loving or fractious that relationship is. None of the ‘poor MIL, your wife is a bitch’ crew would tolerate disrespect from anyone else, but turn 60 and everyone is your doormat.

A PP said the MIL has a right to Christmas Day with her child and grandchild in OPs house. OP’s wife has a right to the same. And absolutely no one else, particularly what is at best a tactless overbearing woman, at worst a manipulative shit stirrer, should trump anyone’s peace in their own house.

@Unjeffeson I hope you have read these responses and thoroughly ashamed at the words you have allowed posters to call your wife with not a word of defence, all in a bid to convince yourself it’s her fault your mother is not welcome. I hope your brother has better people around him than mummies little helper.

Your mum tries to push a very unhealthy relationship onto you. She should see someone for her bad breakup with your dad and actively reconstruct her life leaving you to make your own.

Nothing can come good out of « you are the sole key of my happiness. » in a mum/kid relationship. It is already not healthy in a man/woman relationship…

Put healthy boundaries now and for your family so it doesn’t repeat.

Good luck op 🌺

DILs don’t want to have a MIL they find unbearable. We want to love our MILs. However there are a vast number of MILs who do not know where boundaries are. Your mum sounds unpleasant going on what you’ve said. Granted not the worst (trust me mine is vile) but enough for your wife to want to keep her distance. And you undermining your wife’s feelings is going to lead to you having to move back in with your mum if you don’t take her feelings more serious!

Exactly @ givingitogod

The examples here are ridiculous. Those who make mountains out of molehills & alienate others if they so much as put a foot wrong need to have a good think to themselves. In-laws often haven't a clue what they've done or said which is so offensive. As far as the other sons alienation due to mentioning he is getting too fat perhaps he should listen & do something about it for his healths sake. Genuinely toxic people who insist on trying to upset others should be held to account. This is far from the case in OPs post.

How much time does your MIL and maybe FIL spend with your daughter? Your wife's family? Does she have siblings?

How far is the distance and time away from your house that your mother lives? And your MIL and FIL?

Do you have any siblings? If so, how are they with your mother? What is their distance?

Oh come on he didn't post that. How long should his mother be punished for. I've gone down this road she better be careful her daughter don't ostracise her later. She's normalising what could back fire in her face later on.

I am not fond of my MIL and my DH also has issues with his mother as do his two brothers plus two sister in laws. She is quite domineering and did have quite an impact with her presence when I had my two children, as she did with my SILs. However am quite a placid person. As far as I am concerned I put up with my DH family because they are his family. I understand, as he does not necessarily like his Mother. He still feels a compulsion to look after her, as that was my FILs last request and he knew my DHs nature as he is a good person. Unfortunately the saying is a daughter is a daughter for all of your life a son is a son till he finds a wife. My DH luckily adores my parents but regardless of this, he married me not my family and I set no expectations for him to interact with them. What you need to find is a level with your wife which is acceptable. Like I explained to one SIL her husband is blindly loyal to MIL (Luckily mine is not with certain aspects). To make her life easier I advised her to allow him to take the children to see MIL and maintain a minimal amount of communication between MIL and herself and don't enter into conflict as that is what MILs end goal is. I can only wish you good luck to find a suitable outcome for you as I am sure you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Your child is the most important thing and sometimes like my SIL your wife may find in inconceivable that your child may like the side of Granny that is offered to them. To me family is family and just because we adults have issues with certain family traits children hopefully aren't exposed to the not so nice ones.

@jannier except OP isn’t her only family. The saintly mother has another son. Who is NC with her due to her behaviour.

Also doesn’t seem to have any friends or wider family who want to spend Christmas with her.

Now it might be she’s a misunderstood soul surrounded by nasty people. Or there’s a reason no one else is talking to her except the son she made her emotional support at an inappropriately young age, whose wife she likely has massive resentment towards.

@ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps ignore my comment the more he posts the worse it gets. You're right he needs to stand form against his mother.