Wife wont let mum come round at Christmas

[Unjeffeson]

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

OP provided some background and further detail in his follow up post.

Poor bloody Mil.

can i have the link?

Just click on 'See All' on OP's first post and you will see his follow up post.

I read it that she was babysitting so had full control of the baby. But instead of allowing it to "quietly nap" she took it out in the pram.

The reason people bring up the Christmas truce is because it shows how significant Christmas is in our society.

It is a significant day, there s barely a garage open where I live, the whole world sort of stops for 24 hours.

Team wife. You need to consider if you want to remain married cos it sounds like she's near breaking point

You list all the awful things your mums said & done but are still backing her against your wife

Nothing to stop you having a relationship with her but completely unreasonable to expect your wife to. Presumably she's alone for Christmas as other family members are non contact due to her behaviour ....

I think that you just have to put yourself in your wife's shoes. Would you tolerate the behaviour that she feels she is getting from your mother?

You have all the details and so you need to be honest with both parties and yourself. Your wife or your mother should not have to put up and shut up if they feel they are being treated unfairly and with disrespect. Also, it's not fair to expect them to accept bad behaviour just because it's easier for you.

I'm sure both of them have said and done things that were not right, but you need to point out these things to them when they arise. They both need to be aware that you will not be tolerating and accepting bad behaviour from either of them. This is not fair on you because you love them both.

If your mother is being disrespectful to your wife, and you are not calling it out, then you are not supporting your wife. Therefore, she will not want to spend time with your mother, even at Christmas. You will have to take some responsibility for this. It might get to the point where she doesn't want to spend time with you too.

I'm not sure who wants to compromise on anything if they are not getting any rightful support.

Good luck with it all!

Same & would also challenge people half my age to beat me in a race for the bus 😉

It is the most typical of family problems: the mother who cannot let the son go, and be with another woman.

It is so common that I wonder more isn't said on the subject.

If you cannot sort it out together as a threesome, this DH has to speak to his mother and tell her she has to let him go, otherwise it could go on for years and never resolved.

I never met my paternal grandmother until I married. My mother didn't like her, so we never met her. Such a shame. For children to grow up never having met their grandmother is not right.

It is also unfair if the husband's wife sees her mil as competition regarding the child/children, especially if this is misplaced. It is not difficult for a wife to ignore faults in a mil. If it not worth alienating children towards their grandparents.

There has to be dialogue, ASAP, because if you let it go now, it will continue. The longer it continues, the harder it is to see one another again, and it will come up time and time again in arguments.

How far away does your Mum live? If it's within half an hour suggest you take baby over to see your Mum for 1 hour on Xmas day then spend rest of the day being nice to your wife and not mentioning your Mum was upset. Agree with your wife an afternoon to invite your Mum to your place and you tidy and clean the house before she comes. Don't make additional work for your wife. You organise the meal so your wife won't see your Mum coming over as additional work she has to do. Has your Mum been critical of your wife with the baby because if she has she should be apologising to your wife.

@averitablevampire what did you do? How did things end up.

I have a MIL like this.

She does see our children periodically and I tolerate her and I'm pleasant.

HOWEVER the only reason I tolerate her is because my husband has my back. Like 100% has my back. He steps in immediately and pulls her up on any comments there and then so I don't need to. On two occasions he has straight up, politely but firmly, asked her to leave. He has told her on the phone she's only welcome to come back if she fully respects boundaries and to expect to be held accountable otherwise. He makes very clear to her that the slightest disrespect to his wife is of huge disrespect to him.

So basically she sees her grandchildren because of him acting what I consider like a strong and loving dedicated husband. It doesn't seem you're offering that to your wife in this situation at present unfortunately. She may well feel differently if you did.

My DH is currently undergoing therapy for childhood trauma which came out as a huge blip during a stressy moment at work about 13 months ago. Parents had a messy divorce and it had left its mark in a number of ways. My MIL is lovely but I find her soft and whiny and she triggers me no end (I have health anxiety). DH was completely oblivious to my concerns, there have been many over the years, huge concern was she was trying to convince him that our DS was autistic. He’s not, we have a nephew with ODD (term used loosely) so she diagnoses everyone now. She’s currently telling my DH that he must have ADHD because of what he is going through, she bought him a book which he reads avidly and she adds more to it every week when she visits. I’m up in arms about it because yet again he’s been taken in by her crap. DH got the shock of his life last week when I opened some new tumblers I’d bought. She took one look at them and simply said “metal straws give you cancer when you drink out of them”. They were glass straws. Basically he realised that what I had been saying over the years wasn’t crap, he was just that used to it he never listened properly and she actually says this stuff and worse to people. I bought the tumblers for my DS and he was there as they were opened and heard this. He scared witless now to use them and scared he might have cancer. Apparently lots of things give you cancer according to nanna and their dad has Autism like their cousin, it all came out about what she has been telling him and our eldest and she’s told them both to keep quiet to stop any upset.

What I’m trying to say is, listen to your wife, she’s probably got a point!

My MIL was a total bitch to me all the time while she was alive, but I would never have isolated her from my children. They are their flesh and blood and need to have a relationship. Tell your wife to suck it up for one day and have your mother round on Christmas Day. Also I think it might be an idea for you to tell your mother to pull her neck in and be nice to your wife!

when i try and explain her point of view

Why do you do this? It’s very invalidating for your wife.

This. Me too and completely agree.

You haven’t actually said what your mother had done except for them not liking each other.

Sorry but excluding your mother because you don’t like her isnt okay. I feel that your wife is only thinking of herself and not you and your daughter. And, knowing that you are going to leave her alone at Christmas is heartless. She wants to be there for Father Christmas so no, the 27th isn’t the same.

Stop going between and stop this nonsense now.

Pay for your wife and mother to have lunch together and say to then they need to work things out to a civil point for the sake of your daughter (who should take priority). They don’t have to be best friends. They just have to find common ground for the sake of your daughter. A hard no is selfish and you are putting yourself between these two women because your wife is only thinking of herself. You can’t choose your family. She knew your mother and married you anyway. What did she think would happen if you had kids?

My MIL made my life hell and it was awful for my husband. BUT she is a great grandmother and stays with us for weekends because it’s important to the kids and it shows willing and respect for my husband. I stand up for myself and cal her out politely if she says anything and now that she knows she stops.

Bash heads (metaphorically). This isn’t going to get better until you do.

Mate, you’re on a site full of middle aged women who will defend their own against any mother-in-law because they probably all hate there own. Of course, they’ll side with your wife. The real problem here is your wife—she sounds just as selfish and manipulative as she claims your mum to be. She’s pulling strings to get her way and using emotional blackmail to cut your mum out of the picture.

Stop tiptoeing around both of them. Grow a spine, sit them down, and tell them both exactly how it’s going to be. Your mum deserves to see her grandchild, and your wife doesn’t get to dictate every moment of your family life. You’ll regret not letting your child see your mum one day.

I don't think we have enough context or infirmation here to make an informed decision. Why does your wife think your mum was over bearing when your daughter was born? What is the relationship with her and her mother/parent like. Does your daughter like spending time with your mum.

The first poster jumped right on top of you without having any basis for their decision.

Could you visit by yourself on Xmas day?

It really sounds like either your mum is as horrible as your wife thinks. Or there is some other reason your wife is acting like this and a grown up discussion is needed to resolve the issue.

Hi op,

Thanks for reaching out!
Unfortunately if your wife doesn’t want to see your mom on Xmas day, you will have to say no to your mom so that you keep putting her first. What kind of day will that be if you force anyway?

Too many parents count ONLY on their offspring to get in the new family when it really never ever work if offspring and partner agree to it. Also, You shouldn’t have to manage your mom’s feelings. She is your mom and she supposedly taught you how to manage yours so she knows better for sure.

It is perfectly ok for you to go alone on boxing day though?Or the day before Xmas? Or any evening but Xmas?

And if you want your mom with your child…end of the month…

Good luck 🌺

Well you left your Mum and married your DW. When you did this you put your new DW as the number one person in your life. Take some time, sit down with DW and listen to her with an open mind and heart. Don’t try and defend your mum, as I have said, your DW comes first. Just talk. Perhaps decide it’s time you told Mum she’s down the pecking order and the only way she will play any part in your family’s life is to remember that. Tell your DW you will have it out with mum and tell her to stop the shinanagins.
I would hate my mum being alone at Christmas but maybe if you backed your DW to the hilt and your mum was told straight, your DW would agree to let her see your daughter on CD.
No doubt about it, grow a pair and back your wife, or perhaps it’s you that’s the problem.

Why? Plenty on here side with women no matter how unreasonable any link to a male seems to be enough to say the woman is right....maybe wife is insanely jealous it does happen.

This.
Surely you can visit your mum on Christmas day and your wife could have a bit of time to herself - or is it very difficult? (do you not have a car?)

MIL is a woman

Op your on a loosing trail because you said you were male...a woman saying her husband didn't like mil would have the opposite reaction husband's and their parents are never popular here.