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Original poster

Wife wont let mum come round at Christmas

875 replies

Unjeffeson · 14/10/2024 10:47

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

OP posts:
Whatado · 15/10/2024 16:11

One of the least talked about aspects of control in a relationship is that around in-law relationships

Honestly some of the shit posted on here that people find acceptable to blackmail, manipulate and theaten their partners into doing about their own relationships with their families is disgraceful.

When a man does it - it's abusive, intended to isolate a woman from her support network and coercive control.

When a woman does it - its setting boundaries, putting the nuclear family first.

My husband doesn't need to like my parents. He can decide never to see them again if he so wishes. He can decide he doesn't want to socialise with my siblings visit on holidays. He can knock himself out with all of them. What he won't do is tell me or threaten me with ending our relationship if I choose to.

The difference is I hold most of the power in respect of the kids. Because if we separated it wouldn't be 50/50 due to his work schedule. So if I on the other hand decided to throw my toys of the pram, ban him seeing, mentioning or taking the kids to see his mother. He has more to lose by not going allong with me. Which is the case for alot of men.

MaggieBsBoat · 15/10/2024 16:17

@Whatado has it right there! 👏👏👏👏

italianlondongirl · 15/10/2024 16:38

@thepariscrimefiles
You might have to just make do with a halo if the October budget removes the free bus pass!

italianlondongirl · 15/10/2024 16:41

Agree @Whatado
And we're just talking about Christmas Day. Even the soldiers in the trenches had a truce !
I'm also not sure that there would be an "elephant in the room " as it were. How is OP meant to be all jolly with his nuclear family knowing his mother is on her own?

AmeliaEarache · 15/10/2024 17:14

italianlondongirl · 15/10/2024 16:41

Agree @Whatado
And we're just talking about Christmas Day. Even the soldiers in the trenches had a truce !
I'm also not sure that there would be an "elephant in the room " as it were. How is OP meant to be all jolly with his nuclear family knowing his mother is on her own?

Easily! By knowing he’s seeing her later in the week. And having a lovely time with his daughter and his wife.

It’s perfectly normal not to see some of your family on Christmas Day.

There are the competing commitments of grandparents, parents, children, siblings, half siblings, step siblings, spouses and their families, BIL/SILs and their families, divorced families with shared custody, families living more than a few miles apart, people rostered to work on Christmas Day

… for a myriad of reasons and with a million competing schedules and commitments, it’s just not possible for the whole extended family unit to be together on one day for millions of families.

So let’s not pretend the OP’s mother not being there on Christmas Day makes her some sort of outlier.

She has 10 weeks to arrange something to do on Christmas Day, or plan just spend the day by the gas fire with a box of chocolates and a box set and look forward to seeing her granddaughter in the next few days.

She uses the OP as her emotional crutch, claims victimhood that “he’s her only key to happiness” and all sorts of dysfunctional, emotionally bullying crap. She’s succeeded in alienating the others in her family. She needs a good hard look at her own behaviour before even the OP gets sick of it.

AmeliaEarache · 15/10/2024 17:18

In summary - don’t want to spend Christmas alone?
Don’t drive away one son, be an emotional vampire to the other son, wallow in victimhood decades after divorce, alienate the mother of your grandchildren while ignoring her boundaries and be hard to get on with.

the7Vabo · 15/10/2024 17:35

AmeliaEarache · 15/10/2024 17:14

Easily! By knowing he’s seeing her later in the week. And having a lovely time with his daughter and his wife.

It’s perfectly normal not to see some of your family on Christmas Day.

There are the competing commitments of grandparents, parents, children, siblings, half siblings, step siblings, spouses and their families, BIL/SILs and their families, divorced families with shared custody, families living more than a few miles apart, people rostered to work on Christmas Day

… for a myriad of reasons and with a million competing schedules and commitments, it’s just not possible for the whole extended family unit to be together on one day for millions of families.

So let’s not pretend the OP’s mother not being there on Christmas Day makes her some sort of outlier.

She has 10 weeks to arrange something to do on Christmas Day, or plan just spend the day by the gas fire with a box of chocolates and a box set and look forward to seeing her granddaughter in the next few days.

She uses the OP as her emotional crutch, claims victimhood that “he’s her only key to happiness” and all sorts of dysfunctional, emotionally bullying crap. She’s succeeded in alienating the others in her family. She needs a good hard look at her own behaviour before even the OP gets sick of it.

Show quote history

We are not talking about what the OP’s second cousin is doing for Christmas Day.

There’s simply no need for his mother to be alone on Christmas Day. I was actually thinking about the troops on the Western front earlier before someone brought it up.

Yes, it’s sounds like the OP’s mother does burden him at times. But given it seems she could have been left raising more than one child alone perhaps she didn’t have the time or resources to build a friendship group/support system.

NeptuneOrion · 15/10/2024 17:41

Are you an only child and is your mother an only child?

Jack80 · 15/10/2024 17:48

If you live close can you not have a lunch with wife and child then maybe go and see your mum with your child. I would arrange to take child to see mum without wife if she agrees unfortunately some family's don't get on.

MustWeDoThis · 15/10/2024 17:51

Unjeffeson · 14/10/2024 10:47

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

Aren't you a bit old to be a Mummies-boy? Your wife is the one you have sex with...but hey...if you want mummies bitty at this age - You do you! I feel for your wife. Your Mum sounds jealous and you have no boundaries and do not care that she is making your wife miserable. Maybe if you supported your wife you would have a happier life!?

Maray1967 · 15/10/2024 17:54

Your mother took the baby out of the house and to her friend’s house without your wife’s permission. She took a baby away from its mother. Just have a little think about that.

If my MIL had done that (not that she would) I would have gone ballistic.

Unless your mother made a full and sincere apology immediately, I can see why there would be no way back for your wife.

Glasgowgal200 · 15/10/2024 17:57

Have you witnessed any hostility between wife and mother?

CommonAsMucklowe · 15/10/2024 17:58

Based on the fact your brother is NC then I'm inclined to agree with your wife's view in her. Keep it as it is situation wise and take your DC to your mum's sometime around Christmas. Absolutely no need for her to come to yours.

Owl55 · 15/10/2024 18:00

Your wife sounds as bad as your mother if what she says is true!

Coffeemaniac · 15/10/2024 18:03

I’m team wife, my husband also can’t see what a manipulative woman his mother is, and I have to mostly keep away from her as she tries to manipulate everything.

twoshillings · 15/10/2024 18:08

My MIL is unbearable, but this opinion is not only mine but my husbands too. He has a rocky relationship with her so our situation is quite different to yours.
we did keep visits to a minimum and did every other year for Christmas. That was until we had the daft idea to move her closer to us and now we see her weekly. She puts a strain on our relationship, not because my husband thinks we should be more tolerant but because I do. No matter my opinion of her she is my children’s grandmother and for this I won’t refuse her access to them, not that she ever asks to see them or makes an effort, and I actively try to encourage her to spend time with the family in the hope that one day she will soften from her battle axe behaviour

Middleagedspreadisreal · 15/10/2024 18:09

Wives can be replaced, Mothers can't. That doesn't mean you have to put up with unwanted behaviour, but I do think talking amongst yourselves as to what is and what isn't acceptable is the 'grown-up' way to go about things. That goes both ways, not just your wife calling the shots. She sounds insecure. To keep a Grandmother away from a grandchild is manipulative, controlling and very hurtful. Does your mother truly deserve that? As for Christmas, it's not very nice to be left out. It seems your wife is DELIBERATELY finding ways to hurt your mum. That's cruel behaviour.

Piwi1625 · 15/10/2024 18:10

Unjeffeson · 14/10/2024 10:47

Background:
My m(41) wife hates my mum. There wasn't one incident but she just thinks shes selfish and manipulative and just wants everything on her own terms, including spending time with pur daughter. She feels my mum tried to dominate when our daughter was born and has never considered her feelings, and is rude and catty to her. My wife also thinks I take my mums side too much when i try and explain her point of view or try and create compromises. This has led my wife to feeling like my mother is ‘the other woman’, and she sees red almost every time we discuss her.

Things have been stable if unpleasant for a while, with my wife agreeing for my mum to see our daughter every couple of months for an afternoon. In the meantime my mum is on the phone to me regularly about how depressed its all making her.

Whats happened:
My mum has asked if she can see us on Christmas day, so she doesnt have to be by herself. My wife has said hard no, she doesnt want her anywhere near us at xmas. Mum can see us at some point around the end of December but not on Christmas day. Wife says we need to maintain a united front to set boundaries with my mum on this.

Ive been managing my mum’s feelings on all this for two years now as well as putting my wife’s desires first. It is important to me that my daughter knows her grandmother and that she doesnt get dragged into it. When we argue about it my wife makes ‘it’s me or her’ noises and i refuse to break up my family for what my mother wants. But dealing with mums misery on the whole thing is very hard.

What should I do? Is it okay to say no to mum at xmas so long as we have another date lined up?

And i guess more importantly - had anyone here had a mother in law you feel is so unpleasant that you prevent them visiting, keep them away at xmas etc, in spite of the difficulty it causes your SO? Where’s the line of tolerance (if there even is one)?

Just out of interest, if your wife's mum is in the picture, where does she fit in in this scenario? Could you imagine laying the same rules for your wife's mum as she does to yours?

Livelovebehappy · 15/10/2024 18:10

It’s soooo refreshing to hear the dad’s side of things. We have loads of MIL bashing threads on here, usually the ‘dh’ is slaughtered by mumsnetters for not backing his dw. I’m sure there are some MIL who are a nightmare, but reading posts on MN, there’s also a lot of nightmare DILs.

vickylou78 · 15/10/2024 18:11

Hi Op is there some compromise for Christmas day? How far away does your mother live? Could you and your daughter pop over for an hour sometime in the day to see your mother so that your wife doesn't have to see her? That way your mother has something to look forward to on the day?
But I think if she is a difficult character then your wife is being reasonable saying she didn't want to spend time/host her on Christmas day.

AmeliaEarache · 15/10/2024 18:12

the7Vabo · 15/10/2024 17:35

We are not talking about what the OP’s second cousin is doing for Christmas Day.

There’s simply no need for his mother to be alone on Christmas Day. I was actually thinking about the troops on the Western front earlier before someone brought it up.

Yes, it’s sounds like the OP’s mother does burden him at times. But given it seems she could have been left raising more than one child alone perhaps she didn’t have the time or resources to build a friendship group/support system.

Show quote history

There’s no need for her to be included in a family Christmas Day when she’s the ghoul at the feast, either.

She damaged those relationships. The natural consequence of that - of driving her own son to go NC, which is very rare, of being enmeshed and emotionally dysfunctional with her other son and bloody unpleasant to her DIL - is that she sees her son and granddaughter on another day over Christmas.

As for WW1 Christmas truce - those lads had nothing against one another but bloody awful heads of state deciding they had to be enemies. Dragging that up as an argument for tolerating toxic relatives is a bit hyperbolic.

Switcher · 15/10/2024 18:13

When I read your post I was tentatively on your side. Then you provided all the background, and now I believe your wife is entirely correct and doing the right thing in trying to get you and your family away from a toxic mess that you should be in therapy to deal with.

BetterOffDeadWillNeverFindAMan · 15/10/2024 18:15

There's absolutely two sides to this story and you're deliberately omitting your mothers actions. Why does your wife not like her?

Janedoe82 · 15/10/2024 18:17

Your wife sounds like a bit of a cow to be honest. I can’t stand women who are territorial like this.
I would tell her to piss off to be honest.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/10/2024 18:18

twoshillings · 15/10/2024 18:08

My MIL is unbearable, but this opinion is not only mine but my husbands too. He has a rocky relationship with her so our situation is quite different to yours.
we did keep visits to a minimum and did every other year for Christmas. That was until we had the daft idea to move her closer to us and now we see her weekly. She puts a strain on our relationship, not because my husband thinks we should be more tolerant but because I do. No matter my opinion of her she is my children’s grandmother and for this I won’t refuse her access to them, not that she ever asks to see them or makes an effort, and I actively try to encourage her to spend time with the family in the hope that one day she will soften from her battle axe behaviour

Why on earth are you going out of your way to encourage your children to have a relationship with someone you describe as 'unbearable'?

It seems masochistic to move her close to you simply because she is your children's grandmother. You have done all this and put a strain on your relationship with your husband and she still doesn't want to see your children. What makes you think that one day she will have a complete personality change and 'soften from her battle axe behaviour'?