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Original poster

I am not ready to leave my child - am I being unreasonable?

107 replies

Lynsey953 · 14/10/2024 03:15

My in laws are very keen to look after my 4 week old baby to allow me to go and do things. They keep suggesting I go and take a nap when they are in the house or I go out for a coffee when they visit. The thing is, I'm a new mum and I don't feel ready for this. I sleep when he sleeps (he's not a bad sleeper so I feel I'm getting enough hours) and I don't want to go for coffee with my friends yet. I'm sure I will but right now I don't. They keep suggesting it, and I get the impression they think I'm being overbearing and anxious but he's so little and I just don't want to. I know I'll have to leave him one day but I'm on maternity leave until January so surely I have time.
My husband tells me to just tell them no, which I am doing but I'm starting to doubt myself. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 14/10/2024 03:18

YANBU

Ownyourchoices · 14/10/2024 03:22

You are not being unreasonable at all. Just say thanks very much for the offer its really appreciated but I am not ready yet. I am sure I will be at some stage soon and will let you know

lovemyboyz247 · 14/10/2024 03:23

Just say thank you for the offer and when I need help, I will let you know. That should give you some space and get them off your back.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby

StellaShining · 14/10/2024 03:24

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Wait until you feel ready, it’ll happen eventually. How long it takes differs from person to person and might even be different with each of your children if you have more than one. Make the most of newborn cuddles in the mean time 😊

Flittingaboutagain · 14/10/2024 03:33

Wow I didn't want to leave my baby to go for coffee until they were over 1 and at that stage of crawling so they wouldn't just sit in a coffee shop or baby cafe whilst I had coffee with friends anyway. My first came with me to the hairdresser's etc everywhere. Four weeks is nothing not that there is a right and wrong. They've forgotten or don't know that baby needs you and only you right now. Don't doubt yourself. Tell them the fourth trimester is time you'll never get back!

I also didn't leave baby overnight with anyone but husband until first baby was three so manage those expectations. I would be telling them thanks for the offer but husband is stepping up just fine.

LoveTheRainAndSun · 14/10/2024 03:35

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Your baby is so young. They don't want to look after your baby to give you the chance to do things. They just want to look after your baby. I don't think the offer to look after him while you nap is unreasonable, it's a fair thing to offer a new parent, but it doesn't mean you have to take them up on it. I'd just tell them you'll let them know when you need their help but you're not ready to leave your baby yet.

cannynotsay · 14/10/2024 04:00

Say no and tell them to stop asking you'll tell them when you're ready

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 14/10/2024 04:05

Just say "such a kind offer, I'll let you know when I'm ready" and move the conversation to another topic. Don't be rushed as you won't actually switch off at all. I waited 6 months to leave the house for 3 hours alone which was quite a long time but found that was still difficult! Everyone's different but don't be persuaded into anything that doesn't feel right to you.

Oblomov24 · 14/10/2024 05:58

Do you not trust them? To look after ds? Is this based on fear? What do you think is going to happen to him, if they look after him whilst you sleep?

standardduck · 14/10/2024 06:01

YANBU at all.

4 weeks is still so tiny.

I am not sure why some ILs insist on wanting to look after such small babies on their own. Mine were the same. I said no, thank you a few times and after they kept insisting I told my partner to talk to his parents to stop asking.

PortiasBiscuit · 14/10/2024 06:02

Buy them a doll..

elderflowerspritzer · 14/10/2024 06:10

They are obviously nagging you because of their own desire to look after the baby. It's nothing to do with giving you a break.

Tell them no, and you will let them know when you are ready.

You need to lay down the law OP. This is your child, you do what suits you, not anybody else.

It's also not normal to pressure someone to leave their 4 week old baby.

elderflowerspritzer · 14/10/2024 06:11

Oblomov24 · 14/10/2024 05:58

Do you not trust them? To look after ds? Is this based on fear? What do you think is going to happen to him, if they look after him whilst you sleep?

You are completely missing the point.

Why are her parents pressuring her to leave her baby with them?

This is all about them, not about OP having a rest at all.

OP needs to do what feels right for her. Her baby is tiny. I don't know many mums who would want to leave their 4 week old baby.

mrssunshinexxx · 14/10/2024 06:48

Just say thanks very much but you don't wish to leave him yet. Going to meet your friends for a coffee with your newborn will be much lovelier than going alone. X

TheDeepLemonHelper · 14/10/2024 06:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 14/10/2024 07:03

Hi OP. What strikes me is that you are going back to work in January, so having a very short maternity leave. The people saying, "I didn't want to leave my baby with anyone until he was over a year old" were not in your situation.

I probably wouldn't leave my baby to go and have a coffee, because you can bring your baby with you for that. But I did leave my baby with my MIL for a couple of hours when he was 6 weeks old so I could get a pedicure. It felt like a big step for me but all was absolutely fine and it helped reassure me that I could ask my MIL to look after him in an emergency. It's good to have a village if you can.

Obviously all of this depends on what sort of relationship you have with your in laws and whether you trust them to respect your boundaries.

Idontlikeyou · 14/10/2024 07:05

They are absolute weirdos @Lynsey953

No mother in their right mind wants to be separated from a newborn, and it’s actually a bit odd for them to suggest it.

WillowTit · 14/10/2024 07:14

do you need a dentist appointment or a hair appointment?
or do some christmas shopping?
wait for a while yet but bear these situations in mind

Chimbos · 14/10/2024 07:18

What they want is to spend some time with the baby alone and disguising it as a favour. Perhaps you can reassure them you’d love them to do some childcare after you’ve got back to work but for now you wouldn’t enjoy any time apart from your baby. You’re not tired and if you want to go for a coffee with friends you’ll take him with you.

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 14/10/2024 07:20

Idontlikeyou · 14/10/2024 07:05

They are absolute weirdos @Lynsey953

No mother in their right mind wants to be separated from a newborn, and it’s actually a bit odd for them to suggest it.

What, even so the Mother can go and get some sleep? Crikey my Parents were right weirdos when my DC were born, they came round all the time and helped me out all the time. Freaks!!

GreenTeaLikesMe · 14/10/2024 07:21

4 weeks is still very much post-partum.

However, some of the comments here about "no mother in her right mind would want to be separated from her newborn" and "I didn't want to go out for a coffee with friends for a year" are making my eyes roll up into the back of my head.

Having a life outside motherhood is important, and you need to maintain relationships with people other than your baby. You can say to your inlaws that you do not feel ready for this yet, but make sure you don't put them off from offering or wanting to be involved; you will almost certainly need this and be grateful for their help at some point.

I think bringing babies to hairdressers etc. like a pp does is a bad idea for a whole bunch of reasons, by the way.

Original poster
Lynsey953 · 14/10/2024 07:27

Oblomov24 · 14/10/2024 05:58

Do you not trust them? To look after ds? Is this based on fear? What do you think is going to happen to him, if they look after him whilst you sleep?

No I do trust them. I just sleep when he sleeps - he is a good sleeper and to be honest I don't feel that tired yet. I don't think anything is going to happen. I am breastfeeding though so for the moment it's easier if he's with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lynsey953 · 14/10/2024 07:28

GreenTeaLikesMe · 14/10/2024 07:21

4 weeks is still very much post-partum.

However, some of the comments here about "no mother in her right mind would want to be separated from her newborn" and "I didn't want to go out for a coffee with friends for a year" are making my eyes roll up into the back of my head.

Having a life outside motherhood is important, and you need to maintain relationships with people other than your baby. You can say to your inlaws that you do not feel ready for this yet, but make sure you don't put them off from offering or wanting to be involved; you will almost certainly need this and be grateful for their help at some point.

I think bringing babies to hairdressers etc. like a pp does is a bad idea for a whole bunch of reasons, by the way.

I am worried about putting them off or annoying them. He's just so small and I'm breastfeeding so it's inconvenient for him to be away for too long.

OP posts:
Hotdogsarevile · 14/10/2024 07:31

My twins are nearly 6, they have slept at grandparents house a total of 3 times, and not before they were 3.

each to their own but I just don’t get it - a few weeks ago a friends daughter had a baby, she was born very small but healthy (about 4.5lbs) - within a week she was having a sleep over with the grandparents. It boggles my mind

you make decisions that are right for you and your child and don’t let anyone else sway you!

WillowTit · 14/10/2024 07:32

you are breastfeeding?
you dont need to leave him with anyone then just yet