I am not ready to leave my child - am I being unreasonable?

[Lynsey953]

My in laws are very keen to look after my 4 week old baby to allow me to go and do things. They keep suggesting I go and take a nap when they are in the house or I go out for a coffee when they visit. The thing is, I'm a new mum and I don't feel ready for this. I sleep when he sleeps (he's not a bad sleeper so I feel I'm getting enough hours) and I don't want to go for coffee with my friends yet. I'm sure I will but right now I don't. They keep suggesting it, and I get the impression they think I'm being overbearing and anxious but he's so little and I just don't want to. I know I'll have to leave him one day but I'm on maternity leave until January so surely I have time.
My husband tells me to just tell them no, which I am doing but I'm starting to doubt myself. Am I being unreasonable?

Grandma wants to play dollies.

Annoys me when grandparents want to have a second go at having a newborn but dress it up as doing you a favour. If they just wanted to spend time with the baby then why do they want him without you there?!

"Thanks for the offer, but there's no need, I'm more than happy spending all my time with him at the moment "

@Idontlikeyou

actually some mothers do want a bit of time away from their baby to go to the hairdressers or a dental appointment or a coffee with friends or to catch up on sleep, or whatever. And that’s perfectly ok, doesn’t make them out of their minds and doesn’t make them any less of a mother than someone who wants to be glued to their child. Dont mum shame.

4 weeks! No!

Of course you are not unreasonable, your baby is only 4 weeks old! Be polite to keep them up for babysitting later but just say you aren't ready and you'll let them know when you can take up their kind offer.

YANBU 4weeks!! That's nuts. Obviously fine if you want to but I doubt many mums would at that young. Certainly not something you'd expect.

He is four weeks? I thought you were going to say four years! No, YANBU. Don't worry about putting them off for now. "Oh no, I'm fine thanks!". It's more reasonable that they bring you a cup of tea/run the hoover round than it is for them to take the baby off you so that you can run round after them.

It's your husband that needs to say no OP. It took my sons girlfriend 8 months before she was ready to part with the baby. There was no way I was going to push it. You can't put pressure on these things, it just causes anxiety.

Tell your bloke to have a word with his parents.

Yes I know. I was just recounting my own experience.

Why should she hand a four week old baby over to people just because they insist ? Aren't people allowed to use their parental instincts anymore ?

Why are they so obsessed with being left alone with your child

4 weeks?

YANBU.

Be clear and direct.

@Flittingaboutagain
One before you went out without them & 3 before you left overnight? that's quite extreme.
@OhshutupSimonyounobhead
Definetely a MN phenomenon this never leaving a baby(until they're 25) or accepting help, imagine the nerve offering to watch baby whilst mum has a nap!

Say 'thanks so much I'm not ready to leave him yet though but you'll be the first to call when I am!'
If they ask if there is any other way they can help you then tell you husband to give a list (pick up groceries or baby supplies or coffee for you, sterilizing bottles, take a bag
Of baby laundry away etc - this is (not always but stereotypically!) all the kind of stuff that the maternal grandmother always does and then the paternal grandparents moan they don't get the same access to the baby - when all the offer to do is hold or take the baby! My ex MIL was so similar)

Good advice

Even if not breastfeeding, the baby is 4 weeks old and you have no obligation to leave them with anyone else!

I had this from my in laws with DC2 a few years ago, DH decided they could come and stay with us for 4 weeks just a week or so after the birth

Let's say he's not been forgiven/forgotten about this!

I felt under so much pressure to leave the baby with my in laws, I was only a couple of weeks post partum...I was bottle feeding by then and DH saw that as a reason why I didn't 'need' to be with the baby all the time. This upset me massively!

Just to add, it caused me massive anxiety - which I never had with DC1/in laws did not descend in a similar manner due to other reasons

My MIL went as far as to declare to DH that I had post partum depression

I was just thinking like, leave me the hell alone with my baby

No, YANBU. I enjoyed the newborn stage and I didn’t feel ready to go out and be in non mum mode until LO was few months old. They’re so little and you only get that time with them once.

Of course, everyone is different so it’s what is right for you. Very nice of your in laws to offer but just politely decline and let them know in future if they would like to babysit once you’re ready 😊

They're only trying to help, and you're well within your rights to say you're not ready - that's fine and they should respect that.

They're obviously keen to help so why not suggest other things they could do - some laundry, batch cook some food or whatever else would be helpful?

When my first was born I used to go to my mum's most days for a sleep while she was on baby watch - but that was my dm not MIL, which feels a bit different.

You should only do what you feel comfortable with.

It is your baby and they are tiny so no they don’t need to be handed over. It isn’t going to benefit the baby to leave them with your in-laws. You should have the say over this and don’t feel guilty.

I wonder if they would do anything helpful like batch cooking, hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, getting some groceries in........

Op?

Or is it just the baby they want to 'help' with?

If you have a good relationship with you: consider the possibility that they are offering you the help they wish someone had given them or took up and found to be helpful. It is not always about ‘playing dollies’ with a grandchild. It might be down to that 4-12 week post birth exhausted to heck look many new parents get but rarely notice as they are so busy fitting in round a baby. My parents offered with my first son but like you it was no way so they made ready meals to throw in the microwave. When I had my second I was grateful for any chance to grab five minutes of me time and took them up on grabbing some sleep as they juggled a toddler and a newborn. Third was a horrendous high risk birth I was so ill mum looked after newborn son and me at hers. By my fourth mum was given the list of premature items I desperately needed someone to buy and bring in and I trusted her to hold my tiny newborn in hospital so I could take breaks. I think your perspective and needs change depending if it’s a first child or more.

If it’s a genuine offer made from a desire to give you some real help ask for the kind of thing you do need some help with that’s within their ability to help out with.

YANBU but equally those posters saying I didn't leave my baby until he was 15 and then only for 5 mins are being ridiculous and unrealistic.

However, If you are relying on them for childcare in January then your baby does need to get used to them. It takes a village and all that. And yes you will be grateful if your baby does settle with them in a year's time rather than him screaming the place down if left for an evening because he's only used to mum and mum has blocked all other family members.

I don't think a coffee is a bad idea.

I came here expecting you to say your child was 2 plus and you were thinking about pre-school /nursery.
However 4 weeks !! Your in-laws are being totally unreasonable and they need to back off.

If they genuinely want to help they will be open to suggestions of things they can do to help e.g. it would be really helpful if you made me a cuppa so I can drink it as soon as baby has finished feeding or if you popped out to the shop and grabbed a loaf of bread or if you put a wash on. Those are things that are helpful to the mother without pushing her to be apart from her new born. I didn't want a break, being apart from my baby wasn't restful it was the opposite.