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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am not ready to leave my child - am I being unreasonable?

107 replies

Lynsey953 · 14/10/2024 03:15

My in laws are very keen to look after my 4 week old baby to allow me to go and do things. They keep suggesting I go and take a nap when they are in the house or I go out for a coffee when they visit. The thing is, I'm a new mum and I don't feel ready for this. I sleep when he sleeps (he's not a bad sleeper so I feel I'm getting enough hours) and I don't want to go for coffee with my friends yet. I'm sure I will but right now I don't. They keep suggesting it, and I get the impression they think I'm being overbearing and anxious but he's so little and I just don't want to. I know I'll have to leave him one day but I'm on maternity leave until January so surely I have time.
My husband tells me to just tell them no, which I am doing but I'm starting to doubt myself. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
IdleAnimations · 17/10/2024 16:58

YANBU

I only started letting mine out of my sight at 6.5 months with close family for a few hours unless LO was with DH. My LO suffered with real separation anxiety and I wasn’t going to force it.

I personally got sick of everyone trying to take my baby away from me. Whether it be being coerced to put them on bottle as I EBF, to leave them cry, to not contact nap, to hand them over like a parcel to everyone else, and so it goes on.

This time is so precious and if your biological reaction is to keep your baby near then that’s quite normal!

thebrowncurlycrown · 17/10/2024 17:03

You are the mother. You put your foot down and set the terms, not them. Do not apologise for setting boundaries. If they are funny with you and threaten not to help out on future, that's on them to deal with their own feelings and emotional blackmail.

TentEntWenTyfOur · 17/10/2024 17:04

I felt like this too, and then one day when my SIL was visiting, she ordered me not to be such a martyr, and to go and sit down and drink my bloody tea in peace for ten minutes while someone else minded the baby.

That was possibly the best favour anyone did for me when dd was a young baby, and the best advice.

angelcake20 · 17/10/2024 17:04

I was the most relaxed Mum ever, had awful baby blues and my Mum was a midwife but wouldn't have left mine until at least 2 or 3 months.

IdleAnimations · 17/10/2024 17:04

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/10/2024 16:51

It's too soon. You'll be glad of similar offers when the baby is crawling.

Funny thing is, those who want to take the baby when it’s new and exciting seem to be suspiciously quiet when they start crawling, cutting their first tooth, learn to bang on objects and using their voice to scream like a banshee. Newborn hysteria which does calm down once it becomes hard work!

Nicebloomers · 17/10/2024 17:06

YANBU

itsgettingweird · 17/10/2024 17:07

At that age ds went where I did!

It would have seemed odd to me people were trying to separate us.

However ds went through a really difficult stage at 8 weeks because my milk dried up and formula gave him colic. (I did eventually find one he could tolerate!)

My neighbour - ex midwife - would come around and run me a bath and order me in it 😂 However that was after hours of pacing with a screaming baby and she was great with helping me through it in general and after 3 weeks when he settled she stopped doing it.

I think people think they are helping but it does seem odd to insist you go out. I think if they are there and he's asleep and you'd usually sleep then it's fine to go and sleep. Maybe they are just saying "don't stay up on our account" but clumsily?

ThatGutsyHedgehog · 17/10/2024 17:10

You’re definitely unreasonable but they most certainly are!
They sound like they want to play mummy quite honestly, they’ve had their turn this is your turn. you’ve said no if they keep badgering you it’s DH who needs to deal with them

Maray1967 · 17/10/2024 17:10

elderflowerspritzer · 14/10/2024 06:10

They are obviously nagging you because of their own desire to look after the baby. It's nothing to do with giving you a break.

Tell them no, and you will let them know when you are ready.

You need to lay down the law OP. This is your child, you do what suits you, not anybody else.

It's also not normal to pressure someone to leave their 4 week old baby.

Exactly. There is only one reason why grandparents ask this repeatedly when you’ve said no- they want to play at being parents of a baby again.

They might dress it up as help, but when it’s clear that you’re perfectly happy then that isn’t why they’re asking. My MIL was perfectly happy to hold DC while I was there. She never tried to take him from me to have him on her own.

GodspeedJune · 17/10/2024 17:11

It’s not for your benefit, it’s for their own enjoyment and so they can do things on their own terms.

Your newborn doesn’t even realise they are a separate person to you at this stage. Like a PP said, separating the two of you is against all good practice in terms of attachment.

Say no and don’t feel an ounce of guilt. These early days will be gone in the blink of an eye and you don’t owe anyone else a turn.

TentEntWenTyfOur · 17/10/2024 17:27

The GPs are at the OP's house, and all they have said is that she can go off to have a short break and have time to herself for a little while.

That is actually a good and healthy thing for the mother of a 4 week-old baby to be able to do - just to have a few minutes' break away from the 24/7 high alert status she's been on since the moment of birth.

My SIL could see that I was at breaking point, and I couldn't. She did it out of concern for my wellbeing, not so she could grab some time with the baby and pretend she was Mummy again.

Warriorworrier · 17/10/2024 17:29

Trust your gut OP. If you’re not comfortable it is perfectly reasonable to say no thanks. 4 weeks is so early and it is totally understandable that you're are not ready to leave your baby with someone else. It took me a lot longer before I was ready.

‘Mum guilt’ will have you second guessing every decision you make. Let them think what they like, your priorities should be you and your child’s happiness and wellbeing.

Asking if you want to take a nap is one thing, but I do think it is a little odd to suggest you go out for a coffee. Surely if you were going to see your friends they would want to meet your little one too? (It is a lot easier having coffee with friends with a newborn than it is with a toddler!) It does feel like their motives maybe selfish rather than about a genuine desire to help you out.

Just remember ‘no thank you’ is all you need to say. You do not need to justify your decision or give reasons. Your child, your choice.

Meadowfinch · 17/10/2024 17:30

Yanbu at all.

when my ds was 4 weeks old I was still ready to rip the arms off anyone other than his df, who went near him.

Your baby, your rules. Explain that you aren't ready to leave your little one yet, and say you'll let them know when you are. Then drop the subject for a couple of years.

Wilfrida1 · 17/10/2024 17:30

I have a 5 month old grandson, who has never been left with anyone yet. I totally understand my DIL's feelings, and when the time is right, I know she will ask.

I have a lifetime to look after him, it's not all about now.

Your in laws are being disrespectful to keep pushing. You do what you want.

Doford · 17/10/2024 17:31

Goodness no. You stay with him for as long as you need to, be firm on this. As a parent you will spend many years protecting and advocating for your child, start now. Tell them clearly and tell
them how you are feeling, they might well believe they are being helpful.

If they continue after that though then they will have to stop coming to visit you.

GoldenPheasant · 17/10/2024 17:33

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. It would be nutty to start leaving your child at this age if you don't have to: he needs more time to get into a routine, and it would be very difficult to organise around breastfeeding. In fact, I suspect if you did leave him they would regret it quite quickly when they found themselves unable to settle him.

Tell them you'll rethink when he's more settled, which probably won't be until he's at least 4 months.

PrueRamsay · 17/10/2024 17:46

They need to back off! Can DH have a word?

BlastedPimples · 17/10/2024 17:49

@TentEntWenTyfOur it's up to mother to decide for herself. Nobody else.

sinckersnack · 17/10/2024 17:50

YANBU - wait until you are ready. Your baby needs you. I didn't leave mine until I absolutely had to, wanted to and was sure they were ok to be left.

sandyhappypeople · 17/10/2024 17:55

TheCultureHusks · 14/10/2024 07:43

Your husband needs to talk to them. His parents, he’s the buffer. It’s part of his job.

If your parents were hassling him about something, would you just be saying ‘Oh tell them no’ ? Especially at a vulnerable time for him? No, you’d be stepping in so he didn’t have to feel stressed about annoying them.

Tell him it’s stressing you, that you know it’s not because they really feel you need a break it’s because they want the baby to themselves. And that’s not a horrible thing but it is a bit pushy and it’s not going to happen for a long time, because that’s how you feel and that’s what’s best for the baby anyway. They’ll have plenty of time to develop their bond with him but right now is very early days and it’s NOT what you want. He has to have a quiet word because you don’t want to start not wanting them around because it’s stressful.

’Mum and Dad, can you stop pushing to have the baby on your own please. Lynsey is in a good routine and we’re both not comfortable leaving him yet, he’s far too little. I know you’re keen to get to look after him on your own but we aren’t going to leave him with anyone until he’s a lot bigger, there’s just no need and you get to see him plenty.’

Tell him it’s stressing you, that you know it’s not because they really feel you need a break it’s because they want the baby to themselves.

Don't tell him that, that's really insulting to his parents, who sound like they are genuinely trying to help.

It's perfectly normal to not feel the need to leave your baby, I was exactly the same and had to tell my in laws over and over again that I'm okay thank you.. my advice would be to be honest with them from the start and they will come to understand it's nothing personal, you're just don't feel the need at the moment.. don't feel like you need to lie or make excuses for how you really feel, if they care about you they will care about how you feel.

If MIL is coming to yours you could always ask her to keep an eye on baby while you go and do whatever you need to do in the house for 10 mins or so, or have a shower etc, it's only a tiny thing for you but will go a long long way to making them feel like they are helping and starting off a bond which can be really special. That's how I did it with my MIL as I felt bad about always saying no to babysitting etc, but letting her do a bit really built up a level of trust in her that doesn't come easy to me, I actually fell more in love with my MIL as a parent figure when I realised just how much she adores our DD, our DD is 3 now and their relationship is lovely and she's my go-to for childcare if we need it now.

BarbaraHoward · 17/10/2024 18:07

YANBU at all.

Just be honest. You're not ready yet, but you're sure at some point down the line you'll be desperate for babysitters and will be delighted to leave him with them!

Make it clear it's about you not being ready to leave him with anyone yet, and not about them.

NewmummyJ · 17/10/2024 18:16

YANBU. It's kind of then to offer but very understandable you are not ready to leave him. And if you are breastfeeding you need to be close especially in the first 6 weeks when your supply is being established and feeding patterns may be v unpredictable. They are only tiny for such a short time, enjoy it! Your ILs have plenty of time to look after him once he's a bit bigger and you feel happy.

LurkingFromTheShadows · 17/10/2024 18:35

You leave them when you're ready. Ignore the pressure. I didn't leave my eldest with anyone until he was 2yrs 2 months (joined a small nursery for 2 mornings a week). My second is 21 months old and I haven't left him with anyone other than dad. Don't plan to just yet either.

Noseybookworm · 17/10/2024 18:40

4 weeks is still very new to be parted from his mum, I wouldn't have been ready to leave mine. You're not being unreasonable! It sounds like they are trying to be helpful and give you a break but just tell them that you're not ready at the moment and you'll let them know when you need a break.

Womblewife · 17/10/2024 18:54

He is far too little to be left . I didn’t leave mine for the first 3 months. Tell them thank you but say you are not ready to leave baby yet, say you know they will look after him and it’s not that - you just aren’t ready yet.