Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am not ready to leave my child - am I being unreasonable?

107 replies

Lynsey953 · 14/10/2024 03:15

My in laws are very keen to look after my 4 week old baby to allow me to go and do things. They keep suggesting I go and take a nap when they are in the house or I go out for a coffee when they visit. The thing is, I'm a new mum and I don't feel ready for this. I sleep when he sleeps (he's not a bad sleeper so I feel I'm getting enough hours) and I don't want to go for coffee with my friends yet. I'm sure I will but right now I don't. They keep suggesting it, and I get the impression they think I'm being overbearing and anxious but he's so little and I just don't want to. I know I'll have to leave him one day but I'm on maternity leave until January so surely I have time.
My husband tells me to just tell them no, which I am doing but I'm starting to doubt myself. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
EmmaLou51 · 18/10/2024 10:47

In many countries in the world you basically would just be about leaving your bed let alone leaving your baby with other people to head off for a coffee by yourself. It's a great offer if a Mum felt like she needed it, but absolutely insane to suggest you're being weird for not being up for that yet. You're still healing, you're still recovering after birth, (if breastfeeding) then you're still establishing feeding and you and your baby are just getting to know each other. There is a very reasonable and strong evolutionary instinct to not be separated from your baby when they are so tiny, Next time they offer to help, just say.. 'what would be amazingly helpful is if you could prepare some meals for a week, clean my house, get some shopping in, do my laundry'. Basically every other thing except take my baby off me. If they are keen to help then they really are trying to help, if not, then it's not about wanting to help, it's about wanting to look after a cute baby which is about them, not you. If that's too hard to say then just say no thanks and try to just let it go. Definitely don't feel guilty!

TumbledTussocks · 18/10/2024 12:33

I don't think it's good for you or the baby to be apart at this age tbh. If it's in the interests of your mental health and wellbeing then that's totally understandable but there's no chance I would.

Good luck for January. That seems painfully close.

Nigglenaggle · 18/10/2024 15:52

No YANBU. I left mine for the first time at 6 weeks for similar reasons. The whole time I was having flashbacks of my baby. It's really not a natural thing to do and although I get it from their point of view, it's a bit selfish of them to pressure you. Just say no. They'll get their time later.

jolies1 · 18/10/2024 19:27

triballeader · 18/10/2024 08:18

If you have a good relationship with you: consider the possibility that they are offering you the help they wish someone had given them or took up and found to be helpful. It is not always about ‘playing dollies’ with a grandchild. It might be down to that 4-12 week post birth exhausted to heck look many new parents get but rarely notice as they are so busy fitting in round a baby. My parents offered with my first son but like you it was no way so they made ready meals to throw in the microwave. When I had my second I was grateful for any chance to grab five minutes of me time and took them up on grabbing some sleep as they juggled a toddler and a newborn. Third was a horrendous high risk birth I was so ill mum looked after newborn son and me at hers. By my fourth mum was given the list of premature items I desperately needed someone to buy and bring in and I trusted her to hold my tiny newborn in hospital so I could take breaks. I think your perspective and needs change depending if it’s a first child or more.

If it’s a genuine offer made from a desire to give you some real help ask for the kind of thing you do need some help with that’s within their ability to help out with.

Yes. They might be pushy and wanting to “play dollies”. On the other hand your MIL was also once a new mum, knows how knackering it is and is offering you a break should you wish to take her up on it. If she takes your “no thank you” graciously & does not push I would give her the benefit of the doubt if she has been good otherwise.

Charlotte244 · 19/10/2024 09:27

As somebody who’s first baby did not sleep well I would have been so thankful for an offer like this! Maybe your in laws had a rough time when their children were babies and they remember how hard it was and are genuinely trying to be helpful.

If you offer to help somebody and they decline do you automatically think badly of them? Probably not. Most likely they keep offering to let you know that they are there to support you. Enjoy the feeling of having that support. Many people don’t have it!

boscobear · 19/10/2024 14:06

Stick to your guns, so what if they think your overbearing and anxious, you aren't ready and thats fine, I don't think a lot of new mums would be at 4 weeks pp.
my in-laws were similar when I had my first, she was the first grandchild and they were just really excited to have her. I gave in when DD was 5 months after pressure for weeks and weeks, they had her overnight and I didn't sleep a wink, I wish I'd just stuck to "no thanks" as I definitely wasn't ready.
my second is 18 months and she's never been overnight anywhere but then people are less keen to have both of them so nobody's ever asked 😂

redtrain123 · 19/10/2024 14:07

Haven’t read the whole thread, but you are not being un reasonable.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page