Page 2 | I am not ready to leave my child - am I being unreasonable?

TheCultureHusks · 14/10/2024 07:43

Your husband needs to talk to them. His parents, he’s the buffer. It’s part of his job.

If your parents were hassling him about something, would you just be saying ‘Oh tell them no’ ? Especially at a vulnerable time for him? No, you’d be stepping in so he didn’t have to feel stressed about annoying them.

Tell him it’s stressing you, that you know it’s not because they really feel you need a break it’s because they want the baby to themselves. And that’s not a horrible thing but it is a bit pushy and it’s not going to happen for a long time, because that’s how you feel and that’s what’s best for the baby anyway. They’ll have plenty of time to develop their bond with him but right now is very early days and it’s NOT what you want. He has to have a quiet word because you don’t want to start not wanting them around because it’s stressful.

’Mum and Dad, can you stop pushing to have the baby on your own please. Lynsey is in a good routine and we’re both not comfortable leaving him yet, he’s far too little. I know you’re keen to get to look after him on your own but we aren’t going to leave him with anyone until he’s a lot bigger, there’s just no need and you get to see him plenty.’

TheCultureHusks · 14/10/2024 08:37

Oh and your instincts are totally correct. Unless you need to, you don’t leave a four week old with anyone and certainly not if you’re not comfortable with it. This is what attachment is all about - often people (and perhaps especially grandparents!) think along the lines of ‘but I’ve got to bond with the baby too, we are close family, we all have to bond, that’s the positive loving thing’ … NO. The opposite! Attachment is all about the primary carer, and that’s almost always mum, the one they have known and smelled and heard since before birth. In order to give them that ultimate security of being, they need that person to be an absolute, always there, the comfort and the food never just disappears and attachment is learning that they CAN absolutely take that for granted, they are never put into any state of anxiety or thinking ‘what’s happened?’ ‘Where has it all gone? Will the food come back?’ while they are in those first few months of adjustment.

The baby is too tiny to start to comprehend who other people are. Even if they become familiar, the other people NEED to be additions to mum, not instead of mum, for a good while yet. That is the best way to build a baby who turns into a happy, confident, loving child who is more than happy to run from mum into granny’s arms the moment they see them. So leaving a small baby with grandparents ‘to bond’ in those very early days ironically does the opposite - the baby is put into a stress mode as soon as it realises mum isn’t there, and that is more likely to make the baby more anxious and clingy in general as they get bigger.

If your husband isn’t fully aware of how attachment works maybe get him to read up on this a bit, and understand that it’s in his parents own interest for their grandchild to be parented like this - it’s the foundations for them to build a fantastic bond with a confident happy grandchild in the near future.

elderflowerspritzer · 14/10/2024 10:58

OhshutupSimonyounobhead · 14/10/2024 07:20

What, even so the Mother can go and get some sleep? Crikey my Parents were right weirdos when my DC were born, they came round all the time and helped me out all the time. Freaks!!

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Of course they're weird to pressure a mum into leaving her baby when she clearly doesn't want to.

It's obviously about them, and not about OP needing a rest or needing help.

elderflowerspritzer · 14/10/2024 11:00

Lynsey953 · 14/10/2024 07:28

I am worried about putting them off or annoying them. He's just so small and I'm breastfeeding so it's inconvenient for him to be away for too long.

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OP, telling them they can't have your 4 week old baby alone is not going to 'put them off'. They're clearly keen and they'll still be keen when he's a few months old, or when he's 1, or 2, or whenever you feel ready to leave him.

Just assert your boundaries and tell them that of course you'd love them to look after him in the future, but it's not time yet and you're coping fine right now.

Runskiyoga · 14/10/2024 11:14

Tell them what you do want, like 'come with me for coffee so I have an extra pair of arms. Or tell them 'please do keep those offers warm for next year when I go back to work, but I just don't want or need to be apart from him right now', I'm so grateful for your support, I'll let you know what I need when I need it..'

Opentooffers · 14/10/2024 11:21

They are BU putting pressure on you like that. 4 weeks is tiny, they should have the sense to not keep asking at that age. Just tell them you will let them know when you feel ready, but it's way too soon presently.

HappierTimesAhead · 14/10/2024 11:24

OP, do not let anyone push you into being separated from your baby until you are ready. Your baby, your body and your choice.

Mrsttcno1 · 14/10/2024 11:33

YANBU. I don’t think it’s weird of them to offer, it’s really nice of them to offer so that you can have a break, but it’s also totally fine for you to say “not right now, thank you though!”.

That’s what I did. My baby is 6 months old now and I’m happy for my mum to watch her for a couple hours so that I can catch up on sleep or pop out for a run, totally happy with that and I really appreciate the help, but I wasn’t up for that at 4 weeks PP. Some people are and some people aren’t, neither is wrong, just personal preference! X

Dweetfidilove · 14/10/2024 11:41

A nap if you're tired, yes. A coffee? Why are they sending you for a coffee? 4 weeks is too soon.

You can find other ways to include them, but YANBU to not want to leave your baby at this stage.

Comtesse · 14/10/2024 11:51

4 weeks? Entirely reasonable, no need to do this, it won’t benefit you or baby at this stage.

Strawberrysherbets · 14/10/2024 12:09

They want to play mummies and daddies again. No normal person tries to extract a newborn from its mother at four weeks old. Jesus Christ.

Just to add, babies seem to send some people absolutely fucking loopy. When I had my babies some people round me behaved like absolute lunatics. Demanding to be at my birth, being weirdly territorial around my newborns, trying to take them from me all the time. Just nuts. I suspect these people are in that category.

Just ignore and bat it back with “why would I want to leave my baby? He’s four weeks old?” and smile quizzically? It will highlight their weird behaviour and you will not feel like you’re being unreasonable. Which you very much are not.

hollyjolly12 · 14/10/2024 12:11

You are not being unreasonable, as others have said just say: "thanks, I'll let you know when I'm ready' and move the conversation on. My in-laws used to be very keen to have my children when they were tiny but I just wasn't ready. My husband didn't understand it at first, but I stood my group and explained it was nothing against them, I just didn't feel I needed a 'break' from the kids. They got the message in the end. I thought I'd never want to be without them, but it has got much easier the older they have got. Now the kids are much older, they've never really wanted to do sleepovers (although they do have them occasionally) but will spend full days with both sets of grandparents.

Megamooch · 14/10/2024 12:13

Absolutely not if you don’t want to! My mum looked after baby for an hour downstairs while I napped but I didn’t want baby out of the house away from me for many many months. You do what feels right for you

HappyToSmile · 14/10/2024 19:01

It's lovely of them to offer and perfectly fine you don't feel ready yet.
We are all different and while some people would happily let people babysit for an hour or 10, you're not there yet.
Just tell them you really appreciate their offer and as soon as you feel ready, they will be the first in line.

crumblingschools · 14/10/2024 19:05

Is there a reason your DH can't tell them no? 4 weeks is still little and not easy if you are breastfeeding. When they come round what do they do?

Stormyweatheroutthere · 14/10/2024 19:06

Dh needs to tell them to back off...

PacificAtlantic · 17/10/2024 16:27

Just let them know that you aren’t saying no because you feel like you can’t leave the baby, you genuinely don’t want to right now because you’re enjoying the early days together so much and that you fully expect that to flux and change over time. Confirm you really will let them know when you’re ready and really appreciate the offer as you know they want time with the baby to.

BlastedPimples · 17/10/2024 16:29

You don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

You just don't want to leave you baby and that's fine.

All this pushing to separate mother and child. It's weird.

All your instincts are telling you no. So follow them.

Ignore anyone else.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 17/10/2024 16:32

I wouldn’t leave a 4 week old personally as I wasn’t ready but I think they are just asking to be helpful. They have been there and know how hard being new parents can be. Just say thank you but I am not ready yet especially with breastfeeding. So what if they think you are being anxious…let them 🤷🏼‍♀️

Onlyonekenobe · 17/10/2024 16:43

OMG 4 weeks? 4 weeks is TINY.

I'll never accept this need to have the baby all to themselves, away from their mothers. My MIL was like this, and I'll never forgive her for some of the antics she got up. For her, she wanted my babies to NEED her and not me (note: not as well as me, instead of me) for food and cuddles. She wanted them to start recognising her from the get-go. As they got older, it didn't wane: she's always wanted them to love her cooking more than mine or my mum's, love Christmas at her house more than anywhere else, share their secrets with her and not us. All sorts of things, the list is unbelievable to normal people. As she's never been subtle about it, completely unsurprisingly to anyone with a single brain cell, my DC find her clingy and demanding and actively don't want to be around her. Her other DGC now live a 5 hour flight away. She had a vision in her mind of everyone living around her and her being the matriarch and controlling everyone and bestowing her love and food like bounty - reality is none of her children live closer than 1.5 hours away, and she sees her grandchildren a few times a year (mine more than any of the others).

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/10/2024 16:51

It's too soon. You'll be glad of similar offers when the baby is crawling.

JillMW · 17/10/2024 16:53

Totally reasonable! I ask my dil, if she says no I go for a walk while she and baby nap or have time together. The offer is there and I am hopeful she know that I will always help when she wishes but absolutely no pressure if not. Enjoy that precious baby x

mindfulmiss · 17/10/2024 16:57

No no no no and no!!!

(YADNBU)

emziecy · 17/10/2024 16:58

Lynsey953 · 14/10/2024 03:15

My in laws are very keen to look after my 4 week old baby to allow me to go and do things. They keep suggesting I go and take a nap when they are in the house or I go out for a coffee when they visit. The thing is, I'm a new mum and I don't feel ready for this. I sleep when he sleeps (he's not a bad sleeper so I feel I'm getting enough hours) and I don't want to go for coffee with my friends yet. I'm sure I will but right now I don't. They keep suggesting it, and I get the impression they think I'm being overbearing and anxious but he's so little and I just don't want to. I know I'll have to leave him one day but I'm on maternity leave until January so surely I have time.
My husband tells me to just tell them no, which I am doing but I'm starting to doubt myself. Am I being unreasonable?

No you are not being unreasonable. As other posters have said, just say thank you so much, I really appreciate it, I'm really happy in our little newborn bubble right now, but I will definitely take you up on that offer in the future. People saying they have an ulterior motive don't know them or you. Maybe they do, but maybe they are just being genuinely kind. Congratulations 🎉

jolies1 · 17/10/2024 16:58

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 14/10/2024 07:03

Hi OP. What strikes me is that you are going back to work in January, so having a very short maternity leave. The people saying, "I didn't want to leave my baby with anyone until he was over a year old" were not in your situation.

I probably wouldn't leave my baby to go and have a coffee, because you can bring your baby with you for that. But I did leave my baby with my MIL for a couple of hours when he was 6 weeks old so I could get a pedicure. It felt like a big step for me but all was absolutely fine and it helped reassure me that I could ask my MIL to look after him in an emergency. It's good to have a village if you can.

Obviously all of this depends on what sort of relationship you have with your in laws and whether you trust them to respect your boundaries.

This is a reasonable view. My in laws offered the same (to take baby for a walk or hold him) so I could have a break. My DH worked really long hours so I didn’t get much respite day to day. About 6wks I said yes & MIL took DS for a push in the pram round the block. I had an hours sleep, a cup of tea & a long shower. I still only leave DS for an hour or two but I feel more confident doing so. If they are pushy & you don’t want to take them up on it say no. If they are genuinely just offering to give you a short break it might be nice for you in a few weeks when you’re ready