No longer blindsided by H

[Gingerloaf]

This is a second thread - first one was ‘blindsided by H’

A couple of weeks has passed since that thread ended and suffice to say the shit show is a gift that keeps on giving.

An attempt was made at face to face discussions about ‘us’ and there were tentative noises from H although his concern for how OW would take his leaving her seemed to occupy his mind rather more than it should.

A period of time to reflect and H has decided he is required to look after his mental health - it’s somewhat bizarre that the perpetrator decides that he is the victim and must be protected at all costs. So I readily agreed to some non contact ( more for myself than him) it took less than 2 weeks for the next contact to be made.
Once again the me, me, me dialogue was started. There was also a completely useless email but hey, we have to show we are ‘reasonable’ even if all other behaviours are that of a small child.

Plenty of things afoot for me - busy calendar ahead.
What has been pleasing is the righteous anger of other woman in my age range who are now seeing this pattern play out in so many long term relationships. This is now taking the form of politely confronting OW and asking WTAF was she thinking??
Reputations are being bruised shall we say - and frankly they have both had a very polite and easy run of it up until now.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship is strained but that was always predicted and very sad considering this little diversion has cost us a relationship of almost 40 years.

So no reconciliation, not even a whiff of ‘I am sorry’ and certainly no adult / reasonable discussions.

Looking forward to hearing from
@Goldcushions2
@MillyCentTap
@shamedbysiri
@Diarygirlqueen
@Acrossthepond55
@Fannyfiggs

I have noticed an awful lot of tarot card reading reels on FB - apparently he’s coming in with a communication and a desire to reconnect ( according to the spirits) Time will tell! Who says FB is not listening to us??

@milly...his abuse caused the DEATH of your SON but his cheating angered you more than anything?

Really?
I don't tend to query posts but am I missing something? Your son died?
How absolutely terrible.

OP, I can well believe the waves of sadness and disappointment after 40 decades. That is not a shock easily absorbed.
Especially if you thought you were largely happily married.

@MillyCentTap I am so sorry Milly.

Clearly there is a huge story there.

And a world of pain. 🌹

OP - did you every see Bridget Jones Diary? The first one.

I keep thinking of Bridget;s mother, when she ran off the man from the telly.

That is the kind of set up that I see in mind for budgie and your ex...

It makes me laugh every time you post updates, becuase I drop the updates into those two characters!

I just looked at Silver Spring with Stevie Nicks.

HELLS BELLS

He had to break it in the end - he walked.

Very intense, powerful stuff.

Bet they had great sex at one point! 😁

Sorry to derail @Gingerloaf 's thread, that was not my intention at all, I was just trying to empathise to show how damaging betrayal is.

His abuse caused the conception of my son, he did not allow me the chance to prepare for pregnancy (I have a medical condition), he wouldn't stop when I asked him. My son with born with abnormalities for which he needed three major operations and much medical treatment and which caused him to die when he was five and a half months old. My then husband, when he was in the process of leaving, tried to get me to take responsbility for getting pregnant deliberately. I had never wanted a family. He is, was and always will be a cunt.

@Littys it was a good couple of years after our separation that the scales started balancing about my anger, it's in its right place now.

Anyway, apologies again. As you were.

@TangerinePlate yes, he was having such a hard time getting paperwork stuff signed over to me for such a long time I got on the phone one day to the utility companies and had it sorted in under an hour. That was another realisation that he was just trying to keep control.

@MillyCentTap - you have always been the model of dignity and wisdom here.
You did not derail this thread - what we have here as a collective is evidence of the pain that those we thought loved us - actually inflict on us.
My love and kindness to you 💐

Thank you @Gingerloaf ❤

This thread is Mumsnet at its absolute finest.

I resonate with the idea of doing things that one's husband always did, and yet not. Mine stopped doing stuff when we were together, because the alcohol had him and drinking was the only thing he ever did. So I took it all over because someone had to do it. When he went, it felt less lonely and less of a burden in a way, because I was doing it for me and the DC, not for a man who was just dead weight in the relationship.

Also I was amazed by how much bloody laundry he generated as a proportion of the total. Definitely more than 25%.

@pointythings - you are so right about the laundry - and the reduced food bill.
So many advantages- it’s also tidier and weirdly calm.

There are points I miss company but it’s getting easier.

I am also going to bang a few nails in the walls he liked to leave ‘ clear’ ( there are no pipes behind he wasn’t being careful he was being controlling)

It's also typical how we women end up realising that we are capable, that we can literally do everything the men used to do. In 2017 we were on a family holiday which he left because I had set boundaries around his drinking (as in not trekking to the supermarket two days after arriving because he had already drunk his way through 2 full bottles of whisky). So he said he wanted to go home, expecting me to plead and cave in. I booked him a train ticket and took him to the station.

We had a BBQ arranged with the people who owned the cottage where we were staying, long time friends of 20+ years. My husband always did the fire stuff. This time I did and I completely rocked it. It was an eye opener, as was the whole of that holiday - just me and the kids, and it was epic.

When you make a list of positives vs negatives of not having the man in your life and the positives list is infinitely longer, you know what to do.

I would panic over the gas and electric because OH has complete control with an app. I had no idea that I could pick up the phone and change it. That's useful information.

I'd also have a problem with the heating because he's the only one that understands the remote controller. He puts the thermostat in the sitting room where the log burner is lit at night so that no radiators come on. In the morning it's on for two hours. At night not at all. I've worked out if he left I'd have to get the plumber in to teach me how to activate the heating at my own convenience.

You tube is great for this sort of thing. I like the videos because you can watch exactly what to do.

@endofthelinefinally is right, Dr. YouTube is your friend here. I'm by myself and have changed light fittings, front door locks, shower taps, and put up shelves by myself cos there's a video for that.

You see more useful information that I did not know.

I remember my friend, her husband had a complete breakdown was sectioned. She'd never even put petrol in her car. She had to learn fast, how everything was paid, and worked.

I was going to suggest YouTube too for anything you're not sure of @justasking111 . Some things may well need outside help at some point but, as harmful as the internet can be in some respects, it's bloody useful in others. And, as has already been said, these little wins build up your confidence no end.

@Gingerloaf isn't it funny how their little ways of not wanting nails in walls or whatever turn out to be controlling once we see them for who they are. When we're still with them we tend not to see things in that way but once we have the headspace to see the bigger picture so much becomes clear.

YY to the less laundry, smaller shopping bills and the recycling! No more humphing enormous boxes of beer bottles to the bottle bank.

@pointythings 💪 for the train ticket and BBQ 😎

Can anyone explain the phrase he uses in an email - that he is ‘choosing to live away from the marital home’.
Clearly his solicitor has given him this line - he also likes to quote he owns half the house ( but won’t contribute anything to it)
I just wondered if there is more to it than H has learnt a new phrase and wants to sound smart.

I thought you told / asked him to leave, thus he is not and has not chosen to live away from the marital home. It was not his choice, was it.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon - I think it’s a ruse to diminish the adultery
Yes - I asked him to leave and he is living with her
Certain details are known to my solicitor ( her name, her address and some details) but there is something suspicious about this comment

Mind you I recorded him admitting his adultery and times he went to see her.
It’s just being prepared for whatever nonesense is coming next I suppose

Its as though he wants to make it sound like he left of his own accord rather than you telling him to leave. All to support his ego and maintain some level of control.
More reason to bang the nails in that wall 😂

He's telling you that he has every right to enter the marital home whenever he chooses. The fact that he doesn't enter is purely down to how gracious he's being. It's a power play, a sort of warning if you like, that he could, if he wanted, come back and there's nothing you can do about it.

You did ask him to leave. In fact, the police were involved at one stage. I wonder if his solicitor is aware of this

One explanation could be:
Choosing to live away from the marital home = choosing to make a pig’s ear of my life and discovering that what made the grass look greener was actually just mould.
Sounds like he’s found a phrase he likes given to him by somebody he’s paying to make himself sound like he’s made some kind of respectable choice, rather than trashed his life for selfish reasons and just being a weak and dishonourable arsehole.

@Gingerloaf Can anyone explain the phrase he uses in an email - that he is ‘choosing to live away from the marital home’. I think he really means to say that he chooses to live in someone else's vagina!! whether or not he still wants that is another matter entirely! you have the better deal. he is just trying to make it sound to himself like he didnt have an affair and you didnt throw him out.

Whilst it is perfectly natural to ponder what it means, it sounds like something to not even acknowledge/respond to. He will want a rise from you and will be most disappointed if he has no response. He wants attention from you, even if it's negative (like a child)

Meanwhile, this is a nudge to ensure you have systems in place to prevent his return (as per my previous post*)

*no need to tell us what you have in place if you prefer not btw

His reason for using that phrase will be - he hopes and quite probably presumes - to his advantage. All of it now is to minimise the damage to himself, maximise what he can get out of the marital home/you and make himself look hard done by.@Gingerloaf , just know not to trust him.